Another excellent Q&A from Dr. Harley! Dang, he's smart! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Dear Dr. Harley,

My wife says that she wishes she could talk to me about the things she is dissatisfied with in our marriage, so they could be addressed. But when she does talk to me about these things, I get frustrated because it seems like she is never happy with me. The progress I make doesn't seem to matter.

I often see her explaining what she is upset about as complaining and only focusing on the negative. I don't often feel like she has recognized the good things about us. I want her to be more positive. I think she complains too much and does not see the good in some situations. I want her perspective to change, but she doesn't think
she has to do something different to make this happen.

Thanks for your help.

R.D.

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Dear R.D.

On average, women complain far more often than men, in both good and bad marriages. But there is a difference in how the complaints are received in those marriages. In good marriages, a complaint is regarded as a problem to be solved with wisdom and compassion. In bad marriages, a complaint is viewed as an unnecessary irritant -- something that should be either ignored or reacted to with anger and
disrespect.

Remember what a complaint is -- it's a reminder that you are losing love units in your account in your wife's Love Bank. She is simply giving you accurate information about the present state of your relationship. While it may be discouraging to hear that you are losing ground, to be kept in the dark about such losses would be worse in the long run.

More than anything else, your wife wants to be in love with you, and you want her to be in love with you. So to achieve that crucial objective you must know when her love for you is being threatened by behavior that makes her unhappy. If your marriage has any hope of recovery, she must tell you how she feels about your behavior, and
you must make corrections to eliminate her negative reactions.

Your wife's high incidence of negative reactions simply reflects the number of issues that have yet to be resolved in your marriage. If you want her to be more positive, you must address those issues, and eliminate them one at a time. You've had success in the past, and she has been very encouraged when that happens. But when you seem
to be overwhelmed by it all, and tell her that she must learn to be more positive, she feels hopeless because there remain many issues that must be resolved if she is to be happy and in love with you.

The harder you try to become sensitive to your wife reactions, the more successful you will become in doing what it takes to make her happy. The more you try to avoid anger, replacing it with empathy (an effort to try to understand how your wife feels without being defensive), the more your wife will feel your care for her, and
that in itself will make massive Love Bank deposits.

Remember, all of your efforts on your wife's behalf make a
difference in the way you think and behave. You are rerouting neural pathways in your brain that will make it easier for you to care for her in the future. While it may seem like a lot of effort now, in the future, it will be almost effortless to address your wife's complaints, and solve her problems with compassion.

Best wishes,

Willard F. Harley, Jr.

Dang, he IS smart!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Ain't that the truth! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Makes perfect logical sense to me - like an early warning system.

Hmmmm...

committed

someone needs to smack that boy down! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Yeah...he oughta live at my house...

I just FIXED some complaining TODAY... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

All of this is very true, but the other side should also be addressed. That is, if one person complains, the other makes an effort to address those complaints (solve the problem), the first one should offer some feedback of some sort. Communication is a two way street.