I'm not quite there yet, but I'm inching closer every moment of every day.

I don't have that much forgiveness in me. If it's a character flaw of mine, I can accept that.

The bottom line is that I haven't been happy in going on 3 years. Much of that time I have been downright miserable, and it's killing me.

I have been SO angry for so long, and I've grown tired of it. I've cried myself to sleep for days, weeks, months on end at some points.

I don't want to go through life feeling this way.

How could I even begin to broach the subject of divorce to my W in a way that doesn't sound like declaring war on her? Is it possible? She has been a good FWS. She's really tried, and I don't think there have been any relapses.

I think the damage done to me was too great. I'm dying inside, and it's getting more and more difficult to avoid showing it on the outside.

I feel really awful for even having such thoughts. I feel awful for our kids. I swore to myself they wouldn't come from a broken home. I'd guess at this rate, however, they're not going to have a dad in 10 years.

I know this is Marriage Builders, but I have tried with everything I have. I know that even mentioning divorce will crush her...not as much as walking in on me and an AP, but it will crush her nonetheless.

Any advice, should I decide to implement Plan D?

No advise, Krazy, just:

So sorry you are feeling like this.

Krazy, I don't remember your entire story. Have you counseled with the Harley's? Have you been to Harley's weekend seminar?

Krazy,

As you know, I'm a big fan of Openess & Honesty ... why not tell your FWW just like you told us in the post above?

You have done nothing wrong, and you're not doing anything wrong NOW ... it is obvious that you have given this much thought and your reasoning is sound.

Just lay it out to her like you did here, and you will be holding true to your own values.

You have fought the good fight, and FWIW, you have my respect for holding everything together this long considering the circumstances of your discovery.

Good Luck to you.

That's way, waaaay out of our budget.

I guess I can't say I've tried everything, then.

I'm just very tired of this life. At this point, I'm even tired of trying to overcome infidelity. I'm sick of it.

K - the filing fee for divorce alone (not counting division of assets or alimony or child support or any of the other costs of dividing up a family) exceed 2.5 sessions with the Harleys in my state.

Your crisis is no longer the betrayal by your wife. Your crisis is that it defines who you are, and sadly that won't change with divorce. That's just geography as they say. You can't get away from it without addressing and healing that wounded part of you.

Please seek out some help. You deserve to be happy and whole.

Agree with MyRev that you simply put it out there the way you explained it here. Sometimes there is just too much damage and resentment to overcome. I would tell her during the day though. Maybe it's just me but darkness affects my mood when I'm feeling low. I get more 'dark' myself and lose focus by getting swept away by those feelings. Perhaps have the kids with a sitter or family member.

I don't recall but have you ever been to IC? Maybe that will be of help to you to try and move forward with or without your wife. You need to resolve that anger somehow before it completely wipes you out. And that doesn't mean I want to see you on the 6 o'clock news.

So sorry you are feeling bad. {{[Krazy}}}

I agree with MyRev, just lay it out there.

BTW - I may be remembering someome else, but I thought you posted once that what you write here, is not how you behave around your FWW. If that is the case, I can't help but think that is an issue.

Your posts sound like a person who is just exhausted from externally pretending everything is A-OK, when inside things are not OK. This wears a person down.

I feel like the victim of a violent crime who's continuing to live with the attacker and trying to learn to enjoy it.

I really don't feel that it defines who I am, but every time I look at her I think about this whole mess.

Krazy, I don't think that forgiveness is the problem here or that your problem stems from a character flaw. I think that some acts are so egregious to our psyche that the resentment is impossible to overcome. This may be the issue for you.

You have forgiven her, and you have done everything in your power to make this work out. What you may not be able to do is overcome the resentment. And there is no shame or character flaw in that. When we can't overcome resentment, sometimes it is our emotions telling us it is just too much. That is what Dr Harley tells people in situations where multiple affairs lead to great resentment.


You might have to consider this is the case with you.

Krazy:

I bumped your original post to see what is different in your sitch.

Not much.

You did the counseling in the beginning because your insurance company paid for it.

Now you want to pay an attorney to dissolve it.

And that is MUCH MORE expensive than any of the other alternatives that you have been shown.

Anyway you slice it. Attorneys fees, costs to move property/align ownership to the new agreements, not withstanding the longer term emotional impacts on you and your kids.

If you can't stand the sight of her, than you should proceed to divorce. Lay it out like you did in your new thread. She may be surprised by your honesty.

I don't think that you EVER got the info you needed from your spouse to truly process what she was doing with OM. The utter casualness of it all. You KNOW there is so much more, but maybe your WW is like MikeC2's. Good to look at, but totally without the ability to "have your back". You have known this before the A entered the marriage, and even more so afterwards.

I don't know how this will turn out for you. Your anger has been palatable around here since you got here. If it hasn't diminished in 16 months, not much might change in the next 16.

Just my .02

LG

Oh hon....

I'm so sorry. You did your best and thats all anyone could've asked of you.

When I told my ex I wanted to D I just sat him down and told him. It was kinda like ripping off a bandaid...hurt like a booger initially, but it let the air get to the wound so it healed cleaner.

You're good people Krazy-man.

K-

It is obvious to everyone thet you have PTSD (a link) .

If you divorce, you will still have PTSD.

What are your plans to deal with this?
If you live near a large university - one that has a school for therapy or psychology - or psychiatric residents - you might qualify for free or nominal care.

I agree and disagree ... yes, Krazy probably has some form of PTSD, but as soon as he removes himself from the source of the disorder, he should return to being "normal" Krazy in short order.

Given his discovery circumstances, he is actually "triggered" by the very sight of his FWW.

I know a lot of people on MB just don't "get" Krazy, but I understand his issues very well, and always felt that Krazy and I saw most stuff through the same lens. In my experiences, I've found that I have the ability to cut off "feelings" and move on without looking back as soon as I make up my mind to seperate myself from my problems.

It's really the same concept as NC with OP ... as soon as you seperate yourself from contact, the fog starts clearing. Obviously some people take longer, and some can make a clean cut and return to some form of normalcy almost immediately, and I think Krazy fits in the latter.

DITTO


I was going to write something similar to what you wrote - however - they have children and they WILL be seeing each other many times at many future events. So, the "triggers" will be fewer, but not eliminated. And, furthermore, I bet you he is triggered by "things" and "sounds" and "films" and "music" .... not just the sight of his wife in person.

So, I changed my mind about writing what you wrote, because I doubt it is that cut 'n dry.

Krazy,

I thought about PTSD also in your case. I just had a 2 hour training here on Suicide Prevention because I work at a military base and there has been a spike of suicides in military life. One section was devoted to PTSD. I know that you probably think

how could it compare to military battles and seeing your FWW with OW. It is a total shock to your nervous system. To see the one you love in the arms of another. For myself finding out about my H's A was just as bad if not worse than losing my Dad suddenly.

It does not seem you are communicating to her about this. Before you throw in the towel on your M, try a weekend counseling. Like you I always say I cannot afford it. Many times H asked to go away -- we can't afford it. Well now H is going away with OW and I am taking our D15 away on my own so we found a way to afford it.

D is not cheap, much cheaper for counseling. By the time this D goes through it will cost big bucks and we will lose everything we have worked for, and loss of our little family.

You will have support no matter what you decide.

K,

I think that had I actually seen them in the act, I would feel the same way. That has to be a hard vision to erase from your head. Most of us just have to imagine it, but you have seen it first hand. Big difference.

My thoughts are with you.

D is expensive. Ask me, I know.

MyRev sadly that is NOT how PTSD works. I wish it did for personal reasons.

I have some experience in dealing with soldiers with PTSD and removing them from the 'source' has never resolved the problem. It actually gets worse as they have time to go over and over and over it. It is a matter of the person .... in many cases in a peer group rather than therapy ... talking about the particular experiences with others who have been there done that and processing and accepting the experience for themselves. Very severe cases require significant medication which sadly many self medicate with alcohol. WW2 vets are getting treated now for experiences more than 60 years ago.

PTSD can be caused by many traumatic incidents and Krazy's experiences would be right up there. In fact I think a lot of BS go through a mild to moderate form of PTSD.

Krazy it does not mean you are CRAZY!!! ok !!!

If you think of your situation its very logical that you have suffered due to your discovery of the then current and other affairs. I feel its a miracle that your M in fact didn't dissolve almost immediately. Its a big ask of anyone to get over actually walking into that. I am almost sure mine wouldn't have.

However.. I do feel you need some assistance in trying to clearly judge ... to be able to make a firm & solid decision ... if your M and your feelings for your wife can be recovered. I do feel from your posts you can't do that right now. It just hurts and you want it to stop no matter what that takes or what you give up.

Now I acknowledge as a FWW I try to push people to recover their M because my DH & I did ... but I guess its not always desirable or even right to save some M. Yours may well be one that can't or shouldn't be saved. I don't know.
However I am not sure you have ever been able to close that discovery off in your mind.. its a bleeding open wound. But I think you need to do that as much as possible BEFORE you decide to end your M.

Look no FWS 'deserves' to remain M to the person they betrayed ... but many of us so want to and spend our lives working on being the spouse our betrayed one should have always had and expected ... For me its a very great privilege to be married to my H after my affair and frankly if a FWW does not feel that way ... then is there recovery at all?? maybe not. at least in my books.
But you say she has and is trying to be all that you would expect a FWW to do and act .. is that really the case??

If so please really consider going to a MB weekend and counselling .... I know Harley is expensive but a divorce is a whole lot more expensive and as the saying goes ... you can ALWAYS divorce.... you always had the legal right and since the affairs you have had the moral right as well.

Isn't it worth it after all the crap you have gone through... after all the pain for you.. the kids and yes even your wife (even if she was the one who inflicted it all) over 3 years & more to find out if there is a REAL chance for your M or not?
That there is a chance for the hurting and pain to go away before a divorce?

Even if you have to save the $ up to go to MB... please at least consider this as a option.

Ditto. I wish it did too.

Thanks to everyone.

I don't doubt that I have some form of PTSD. How could I not?

I've read that many BHs, once the initial shock and pain of d-day wears off, regret the decision to R. That may be where I am now.

I finally feel like considering my own needs and wants for the first time in years. I just hope I can keep from destroying too many people in the process.