A little question to all of you out there. I have been doing a lot of searching on the internet since my husband told me a little over a month ago that he is leaving me in February. This site seems awesome and very positive. I just wanted to know if I have any hope in accomplishing any of this if I do the LOVE BANK things for my husband on my own without him knowing what I am doing? I do believe that my husband truly cares for me but that his Love Bank has been in the red for a while and has been getting it filled from friendships instead. We have two young sons, 9 and 6, and of course all attention has been given to them over their lifetimes. I have been reading the course on love banks and I have realized that my husband and I have been making a lot of mistakes. I don't want it to be over and I don't think my husband is 100% sure that he wants it to be over either(hence the 4 months before he leaves). Even when he leaves I want to do the things that may bring him back. I know that this sounds foolish to some but I am trying to put a positive spin on this. I am not asking him to stay, as a matter of fact, I told him I believe he needs to go. He said that even though he will be moving into a friend's apartment, that it doesn't mean that it is over for us and that there is no chance we will get back together. He just feels like we got to a point where we were both hurting each other and that wasn't health for either of us. I have been trying my best to not cry or get mad in front of him as I know this will just show him the bad side of me and the reasons he wants to leave in the first place. I do tell him that I am sad about it and when he says or does something that upsets me I tell him but in a calm manner. He says he wants to co-exist in the house until the time of departure and that we have to be more than civil to each other since we have meant more to each other than that. I think he is confused as to how to feel better and i thought that if I was to try to fill his Love Bank in subtle ways he may start to feel his love returning for me again and may want to give it another chance. Any thought are welcome.

Welcome to MB.

My advice would be to stop encouraging him to leave. Instead, tell him about MB. Tell him that you have a lot of hope for your marriage, and that it has a better chance to survive if he stays under the same roof, where you can work together to strengthen it.

Print off the concepts and ask him to read them. Print off the lovebuster questionnaire, and ask him to fill it out for you. There's one for the wives as well. You can mention this, fill it out, and put it aside until he asks for it. If he refuses to fill his out, do it from his point of view the best that you can and handing him a red pen, see if he'll correct it. If he refuses to do that too, just begin eliminating lovebusters the best that you can. Do the same with the emotional needs questionnaire.

Try to schedule as much one-on-one time with him as you can, with the minimum being 15 hours a week. Get yourself a reliable babysitter, and start making the marriage a priority.

Bottom line, MBing involves making a careful and honest assessment of your own behaviors, past and present, and putting yourself on the right track to being the best spouse you can - the kind of spouse you would want for yourself - regardless of how he reacts to it (many balk with resentment of a sudden change - this is normal).

Hang in there. Others will respond.

Have you snooped yet to see if he's having an affair?

Bears repeating...