Gamma, when you found your biological family, did you abandon your adoptive family? What is your relationship like with the family that you were raised in? Did your adoptive parents know that your biological parents were not dead or were they in the dark about the truth as well?

W1,

I still see my adoptive family, and extended adoptive family, I think of it as gaining 2 whole families and I now have 4. For your child he will have 3.

My relationship with my adoptive family was good although I never felt I fit in exactly right. Meeting my biological family was for me a revelation.

I did not, and still do not, like either my first or last name. I think because by the time I was adopted out I already knew my name, I feel even stranger that my children and wife have my last name, I have never called them by their full names in anger.

The members of my adoptive family knew the truth all along.

In later years before my adoptive mother died she sorted through family photographs into associated piles. Pics my biological mother had given her of my siblings were sorted into the wrong piles indicating she had forgotten some of the details.

I don't think they kept the truth from me out of any kind of malice it's just they viewed the details as unimportant and forgettable.

My adoptive mother did tell me, when in her 80s, that she wanted to tell me all along, but was discouraged by my adoptive father, and that the truth was always on the tip of her tongue. She seemed very relieved when she told me that.

God Bless
Gamma

Gamma, my situation is quite different. I think it's easier, or at least more normal and acceptable, to tell a child that they are adopted. Most adopted kids know about the adoption. There are books that can help you teach your child about adoption. My daughter isn't adopted. There are no books to guide me through how to handle this.

In my case, the OM isn't a part of her life. He will not be a part of her general consciousness as she grows up. At some point and time (I have no idea when that will be) we will have to sit her down and tell her about the situation. It seems almost impossible to do this without blowing a hole in everything she thought she knew about herself up until that time. There's not much I can do about this. I do intend to be honest with her. All of my older kids (indeed our entire family) know the truth, and the possibility that she would find out "accidentally" is too great, and I would much rather she hear it from us. I must say, it isn't a conversation I'm looking forward to.

I do not know if my daughter will ever meet her bio dad, or if she'll even want to. I'm going to leave that up to her when she is older. Of course, it will be up to the OM as well if he wants to meet her. I'm sure she will meet some resistance if she chooses to look for him, since last I heard, he was engaged to be married to a woman who doesn't know about the OC (or even the fact that he had an A). His two daughters and ex-wife also do not know about her.

W1,

All of my older kids (indeed our entire family) know the truth,

Then please present her with at least a partial truth that she is always aware of, I might have been more shocked to find out I was an OC if I had not known all along that I was adopted.

A bonus is that way your other children/family do not have to lie implicitly to OC. It does bother me how many other people knew of my story and kept their mouth shut, sorta like an ugly rumor.

I do have to say your case is not easy since your OC is half adopted and how does one express that? Certainly your H is more than an uncle and not a grandfather.

I also have an adoptive brother, no blood, who has absolutely no curiosity about his parentage btw, so that is an alternate future for your OC.

God Bless
Gamma

Gamma,

We do not view my H as an uncle or a grandfather. He is her father. He thinks of himself as her father and she certainly thinks of him as her father. He is the only daddy she has ever known and they are very close. Sometimes, I think she prefers him to me. My H seems to have more maternal instincts than I do.

Legally, he certainly is her father. My H's name is on the birth certificate. The OM has no legal rights at all, and he doesn't want any.

I don't really see any way to make this a truth she is always aware of. How can a 2-year-old be aware of the existence of someone they've never even seen before? There's no way she would ever understand anything at this age.

W1,

Perhaps you can tell her the truth, that she has two daddies, I had three and I accept that ambiguity. It's somewhat an issue of when do you set the broken bone which needs setting.

I would encourage you to make her existence known to her paternal extended family, as they do belong to her and are her heritage. No doubt OMs offspring are as close as a facebook message, pull back the bow and release.

God Bless
Gamma

Gamma,

OM's daughters are minors. I don't think it is my place to contact his teenage daughters via Facebook and tell them that they have a sister their father has chosen not to tell them about. I can only imagine how traumatic that would be for them.

I doubt my daughter would understand if I told her she has 2 daddies right now, especially when she only knows one. She doesn't even get the concept of numbers yet. She doesn't even really talk yet. She knows a handful of words, but that's it. She is nowhere close to understanding something as abstract as a 2nd daddy she's never met before.

W1, please don't tell your 2 year old that she has two daddies. Anyone with any foundation in human development would know that a two year old does not have the cognitive ability to process this. I certainly don't know when the "right" age would be. I have a friend with an OC by her H and he (OC) didn't asked questions until he was 12. They fully told him the truth at that time and he is a thriving young man today with no evidence of being scarred by being an OC.

Two years old is two young to comprehend....

Just my two cents....

Mig: We have no plans of telling her anytime soon. She wouldn't have any clue of what we were saying anyway. If it's much more difficult than "Do you want to take a bath?" or "Would you like a cookie?" she doesn't get it yet anyway.

I don't know when we'll tell her. Honestly, I don't really think about it much, since we are years away from having to deal with that. I'm sure we will know when the time is right, and when that time comes, my H and I will tell her together.

ok you were in your 30's when you gained the knowledge JL spoke about of your biology.

and you said that you GAINED from that knowledge. so what sre your fears?

gamma how close were you with your adoptive father?

before the questions arose, did you feel closer to your son then you did to your adoptive father?

do you fear losing your son should your fears of his paternity be true?

with so many people knowing your situation and your adoptive mother telling you in her 80's. do you think it was possible she had some of the same fears you are could be dealing with?

fear your son will be angry with you for the secret?

fear that your son may abandon you for a bio father?

hey our oc knows her bio father. right now (at 8) i can assure you that she has one father/daddy, Me.

do i worry about her asking him to walk her down the aisle someday? sometimes.

would i disown her or view her differently? No

sure it would hurt but she would still be the same little girl i raised with love and caring

i gave the knowledge that that could be a reality. I also have the choice to love her regardless

trust me that my other kids in their teens have done plenty of dumb things to tick me off. we have had some knock down drag outs. yet i still choose to love them. that won't ever change

you have the same choice regardless of any knowledge you may gain

Pops,

You wrote.

and you said that you GAINED from that knowledge. so what are your fears?

None I was willing to accept whatever horror show that knowledge revealed, I think it was Oscar Wilde who said that "to become an observer in your own life is to escape the pain of it", or something like that, no matter what the outcome was my curiosity about the matter was a gnawing addiction.

gamma how close were you with your adoptive father?

I was combative with him, not sure if I was ever close, however I did have a great fear that he would die and I would be without.

did you feel closer to your son then you did to your adoptive father? Do you fear losing your son should your fears of his paternity be true?

Yes very much closer he was the first relative of mine I ever remember meeting, if that is a fact. Do I fear losing him, no he is his own person, he has every right to feel betrayed although I would feel sorry for not informing him sooner.

with so many people knowing your situation and your adoptive mother telling you in her 80's. do you think it was possible she had some of the same fears you are could be dealing with? fear your son will be angry with you for the secret? fear that your son may abandon you for a bio father?

She had those fears no doubt, but I think she also felt that such a large fact about someones life should not be hidden.

hey our oc knows her bio father. right now (at 8)

Glad to hear it, and you seem to recognize that you many need to accept that OC might accept her bio-father at some time in the future.

I also have the choice to love her regardless...you have the same choice regardless of any knowledge you may gain.

I suppose like any major trauma you recover in two years.

God Bless
Gamma

So you are "not" considering abandoning him from your perspective should your worst fears become true

I get where you would feel bad about not telling hm sooner but how can yuo tell him something you had not known

I can't imagine how your mom must have been torn up about wanting to tell you and not feeling it was the right thing. what an inner turmoil

yes i do realize what may occur someday.

i think that your concerns about your son being angry when and IF the things don't end up ideal.

i also feel you really need to focus more on what your realationship will be like with your w should he not carry your dna

just me

Pops,

So you are "not" considering abandoning him from your perspective should your worst fears become true

No, just accepting of whatever outcome happens.

yes i do realize what may occur someday.

It will likely not be about you, more about her having to discover a lost part of their identity.

i also feel you really need to focus more on what your relationship will be like with your w should he not carry your dna

That is even more unpredictable.

God Bless
Gamma

in my case i actually have little worries that oc will be searching for a lost piece of her identity.

she has regular visitations and om has proved time and again that he has little if any concern except he wants something for his cs. time to keep the amount down

his oldest son who is 19 and who he was recieving cs from his ex w for is moving in with his mom because now that cs is gone om is treating his own son like dirt. the son has seen 1st hand how badly the om treated his mom who the om was married to for almost 20 years

it is very sad because i know just a few short years ago that son adored the air his dad breathed. and now he just wants away from him

In my case, I suppose there is a chance that my OC will feel the need to go searching for that lost identity someday. It's kind of out of my hands. The OM in my case lives 3000 miles away, so even if my H and I had decided to go after CS and make him take some sort of responsibility, our OC still wouldn't have known him. There would have been the money, which certainly would be a huge help right now, but a visitation schedule with a child this young would have been almost impossible at this distance. The OM made it pretty clear that he didn't want to meet her anyway, and there's not much I could have done about that. I might be able to force him to pay, but I couldn't force him to be a part of her life. We chose not to pursue the CS because that would have made things even more complicated than they already were. Considering our financial problems now, I do sometimes wonder if that was the right choice.

Gam,
I believe your mind is playing tricks on you. I find it very hard to believe that you never noticed what your son looked like in 20 years just b/c he wears glasses. You also admit that you don't even have a picture of OM, just a vague recollection of what he may look like.

I will agree that you can do a secret DNA test if you want. I did something similiar recently w/ a PGC of mine. They sell the kits over the counter at CVS. It is not legal, but I doubt anyone would waste taxpayer money for a prosecution of it. However, there is not a court in this land that would grant you compensation for the $$$ you spent raising your son.

writer,
I understand your desire for the DNA as well. I just wish you would have done it 13 years ago. If you really feel a need to do it, I suggest taking the DNA test, but not opening the results until she is 18-years-old. That way the results do not impact the way you treat her.

I wish both of you the best.

???????? Tew????????

My OC is only 2. I don't plan on getting a DNA test. I already know she's an OC and so does my H. He had a vasectomy 14 years ago. My H loves her as his own child, because she is, other than the DNA.

Must have me confused with someone else.

Tew, you wrote,

I find it very hard to believe that you never noticed what your son looked like in 20 years.

I really can't tell you why it hit me then, but it was like a hammer to the face. When a couple is from very different ethnic groups the children often fall into that middle range where they expect a wide variation in type. I do hope you are correct however.

However, there is not a court in this land that would grant you compensation for the $$$ you spent raising your son.

One way or the other......

God Bless
Gamma

"[b]However, there is not a court in this land that would grant you compensation for the $$$ you spent raising your son.
One way or the other......"

You will get nothing. You have been the legal father and it is and has been your responsibility to support your child.

There is no family court judge that is going to let you off the hook. Because then the state has to pay the CS. State doesn't want that, and the judges don't want to lose their jobs.

The only thing can do is charge the OM and WW with fraud. If the DA would be willing to prosecute. But they won't because he would start an action that he won't win.

And if the miracle was to happen and the OM is guilty. People go to jail for fraud. I guess OM and WW will both have to go to jail. They share equal guilt. I guess with them in the big house it will be hard to maintain NC for them.

Then when you go for a civil judgement WW is going to have pay her half. What if the OM claims WW lied and told him that she's infertile, and the court believes him?

Get your DNA test I support it 100%.

You don't want a DNA test to put paternity to the end.

You want the DNA test so you can get revenge.

honestly I don't even support the dna test.

if Gamma feels he needs it then so be it BUT "I" see nothing to gain from it at this point.

sure he may find out a new fact that has started bothering him after he saw something in his sons eye after loving, caring and raising him for 20 years

and yes he can choose to share that fact with his son.

Then what?

the lives of at least 3 people will be turned upside down with insecurity, trust and countless personal relationship issues.

is that worth it?

my marriage has managed to survive 10 years since our d day. is it whole and we are still a family but it is far from perfect

yes i know the paternity of the oc. but it was pretty hard to hide the fact since i had had a vasectomy 6 years prior.

however some problems have arisen these past few months in our marriage that have led to talks of separation between the 2 of us. not A stuff but just with the many stress's that we are facing right now.

my main reasons for working thru things is that we have been thru so much why throw in the towel at this point, i want to keep my family whole, and with the oc being the youngest (8) i have come to love her so much i can't imagine putting her thru that. and yes she "is" part of "my" family. forever

it doesn't matter what her dna is.

it doesn't matter what her biology is.

what matters is that i love her for her

you can say oh sure it's easy to have that opinion because everyone knows the facts. maybe

but i can tell you that an 8 yo doesn't have any idea of the emotions that go along with this situation. at least not ours

Gamma does or has your son raised any questions about his paternity?