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I am a former WWS from about 3.5 years ago (an emotional affair) and the marriage builders methods and my wife really helped save our marriage. My wife has been active on these forums since.
The reason why I'm writing now is:
1. Recently I started to talk with a co-worker in private. it's been going on for about 1.5-2 weeks now. I really don't know why I started this, I'm not attracted to this person and not sure of the gain, but I let it happen. The extent of what we did was talk on the phone and use IM. When I noticed that It seemed to be frequent I started to erase them so that there wasn't suspicion. Now there's 100 times more suspicion.
2. Tonight I learned that my wife was going to confront this person about our calls and I felt compelled to at least give them a heads up. I called her and was very strait foreword and to the point. I let her know that I've been erasing our calls and my wife has learned of this. I told her that my wife will probable be calling and I was sorry for putting her in this situation.
I'm very angry at my self for betraying my wife's trust and hurting her.
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I'm very angry at my self for betraying my wife's trust and hurting her. In that case can you explain why you felt the need to contact and give the heads up to your affair partner, assuming that you are truthful about following the MB principals then this OW would have known that you are married and had no business talking to you and if you mess with a married man you should expect the wife to confront you. Stop lying stop hiding things and stop deceiving your poor undeserving wife. Go tell her exactly what you have been up to, write the OW a NC letter and start to work on your marriage.
BW 36(Me)
WS 38
Married: 2000
DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014
PA Duration September 08 - November 08
Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months
Divorced
Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.
If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.
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Sorry, I ain't buying it for 2 seconds. If you weren't doing anything wrong you wouldn't have had anything TO erase because the evidence would have exonerated you. People don't remove evidence that will EXONERATE them.
And people don't WARN the OP either, because an innocent party would WANT their spouse to get the full story. YOU DIDN'T.
Your story stinks to high heaven, Sir. A 5 year old could see through it and I amazed that you believe that any sane adult would believe this story.
But I may be completely stupid and will the first one to admit it if you can pass a polygraph.
Would you be willing to take a polygraph to PROVE your innocence?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Welcome back, Chris.
If you've been here 3+ years, you oughtta know this stuff better than I do. If you know MB, then you know what Extraordinary Precautions are. What were yours?
And what made you decide that they could allow non-work-related conversations with another woman without your wife's knowledge?I really don't know why I started this
So, what are you going to do about it?
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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The extent of what we did was talk on the phone and use IM. When I noticed that It seemed to be frequent I started to erase them so that there wasn't suspicion. Now there's 100 times more suspicion. You are so IN LUCK. See, if you have a smartphone like an Android or an Iphone, there is a special "spy stick" that can retrieve deleted IMs and text messages. Did you know this? Your wife could use this to retrieve those deleted IMs and texts. You could PROVE to her that your conversations were purely platonic. Do you have a smart phone? This could be a way to prove your story to her.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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. I really don't know why I started this, I do. Because you have no boundaries and don't care how badly you hurt your wife. Thats why.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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1. Recently I started to talk with a co-worker in private. it's been going on for about 1.5-2 weeks now. I really don't know why I started this, I'm not attracted to this person and not sure of the gain, but I let it happen. You "let it happen"? What you did was active - not passive. You MADE those calls. You did the chatting. You didn't "let" anything happen; you made it happen. How many times have you done this before? How many EAs or PAs have there been, including this one?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Chris, the several questions I asked you are not merely rhetorical questions.
If you're serious about getting "through this" the right way, and not just trying to buff your external image (like you were when you were deleting texts to hide them from your wife), then how about you stick around & answer them here for starters, and we'll take it from there?
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Please let me have all this sink in. I feel like I have been stoned in the court yard and yes I do deserve it. My head is spinning, I need time to digest. Sorry I didn't respond until now, I didn't realize how quickly I was going to get responses.
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I know it was active. I did make the calls and no one was forcing me. This is the second time now. Not sure what EA or PA stands for, sorry.
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I let my boundaries down and I really do care that I hurt my wife.
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I let my boundaries down and I really do care that I hurt my wife.
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Welcome to the MB Forums.
It's sad how willing you were to risk the 3.5 years of MB work both you and your wife have done.
It all came undone quickly, didn't it?
I'm glad you're here.
But I do want to know what you are doing to correct the actions that have occured over the past two weeks?
What are you willing to do to help your wife?
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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I let my boundaries down and I do care that I hurt my wife.
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I let my boundaries down and I really do care that I hurt my wife. I see nothing here that indicates care. Nothing. You put her through this hell a SECOND TIME. You then compound the betrayal by warning your OW behind your wife's back. Your post here is all about you. So what is it exactly that is supposed to demonstrate care?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Your affair was the worst thing that ever happened to your wife. It's the worst experience of her life -- worse than the loss of a child. Can you imagine anything being that bad? Well, you did it to her, and she is suffering as a result. And you now do this to her......AGAIN?
If that is your notion of "care" then I would advise her to run for her life, my friend.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I feel like I have been stoned in the court yard and yes I do deserve it. Chris, You are the only one that has stoned anyone. You chose to stone your wife! Do you see this? The world is falling in on your wife because of YOUR actions. It's not your world that is falling in my friend. Please don't turn this upside down to be all about you, OK!
Last edited by HerPapaBear; 06/15/11 10:01 PM. Reason: added a line
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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If you stay clearheaded, the solution is very simple.
BE HONEST!
BE HONEST, even if it hurts you!
Show and tell your wife every one of those texts that were erased. They can be retrieved through various methods.
BE HONEST!
It really is that simple.....
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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Please let me have all this sink in. I feel like I have been stoned in the court yard and yes I do deserve it. My head is spinning, I need time to digest. Sorry I didn't respond until now, I didn't realize how quickly I was going to get responses.
Abbreviations are here: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2519048&page=1
Maybe you didn't really spend much time reading up on MarriageBuilders ideas after your first EA (Emotional Affair)? Maybe you let your wife do the heavy lifting? (I'm just guessing here; otherwise, seems to me you'd know some of this stuff).
Well, now's the time to get into it and, indeed, start to digest it.
I suggest you read the book "Surviving An Affair." It will likely give you some insight -- honest insight -- into why you've acted as you have, and into what youre wife is feeling. I know it was an eye-opened for me.I let my boundaries down and I do care that I hurt my wife.
One of the ways you start to care is, you be honest (for honesty is likely one of her greatest needs, especially right now). Deleting the messages to hide their content & frequency isn't honest. Tipping off the other chick so that she can "spin" the story to your wife isn't honest. These things are the opposite of honest. As PapaBear has said, you need to get honest.
Look, Chris: You married your wife. You thought she was worth your ring once. Maybe you still think that. If so, you need to be doing motivation-checks on yourself & everything you do right now. Your way out of this mess isn't by covering your butt. It's by opening up, taking your medicine, and starting to demonstrate the care you claim to have for her, by being willing to put her feelings first.
I'm not finished. I asked you what you were going to do about it, and I'm still waiting for your answer. Have you read up on the concept of Extraordinary Precautions? If not, you can do a search for the term on this site. I'd like to see your list of EPs.
You can "get through this" and have a better marriage, but you've gotta take action & make some changes.
Remember: Care means action.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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This is all really stating to hit me on what I've done. I want to run away and die somewhere..........I don't feel that I deserve forgiveness. All you guys are right. I'm sick to my stomach and feel like i'm spinning out of control. I'm not trying to make this about me again, these feelings I have are because of what I've done. I have issues. I hear the hostility, anger and resentment towards me in most of the replies. I can't believe that I'm that person.
To make things worse we also have two special needs children.
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