I really would appreciate some encouragement and / or a reality check from anyone who has dealt with trying to recover from an affair while the FWS remained in love with their affair partner even after the affair ended.

My wife and I are both committed to recovering from her affair and to rebuilding our marriage. We have been enrolled in MB for about six weeks and both of us are working diligently to make improvements in our marriage. I do believe the affair has ended completely and I am relatively confident there has been no communication between the OM and my wife. But she is unable to give herself to me emotionally or physically and confesses she is still in love with him.

I�ve had an unrealistic expectation for recovery time and am just finally coming to grips with how long and difficult this healing process is going to be (thanks to reading through other posts from so many of you here on MB). It has only been several months and I understand it could take up to two years. I am committed to saving our marriage and am hopeful it will be better than it was before. But right now I feel like I�m dying inside a little more each day that goes by waiting for my wife to fall �out of love� with the OM before we can even begin to determine whether she might fall back in love with me.

Any words of wisdom from a WS or BS who lived through a similar situation would be so greatly appreciated.

Is there something that could be triggering your wife? Are you still in the same town as OM? Does she bump into him at stores or see him on the highway? Does your wife still have some momentos from OM, photos, gifts, etc? Can she access him on facebook?

Dr. Harley was concerned about proximity of OM. Have you done anything to address that? What extraordinary precautions do you have in place?

AM

Enrolled in MB? Does that mean you have access to Dr H on the private forum?

Hi, Learning. It sounds like you are becoming a bit discouraged.

Let me encourage you that if your wife is in no contact and you have moved away from all triggers and changed the circumstances that led to the affair, and if you do a good job of meeting your wife's emotional needs with finesse, and if you are not love busting your wife AT ALL, she will fall in love with you. It is going to take some patience and some persistence on your part. It may take just slightly more than you think you are able to give, before you discover that you are able, and persevere.

I like this broadcast to a betrayed husband, explaining to him what will happen when his wife falls in love with him. It's encouraging to me, and has kept me going:


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3324
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3325
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3326


I also encourage you to communicate frequently with Dr. Harley and your Marriage Builders coach if you are feeling down. It has worked for me!!!

Can't answer for sure about triggers. I know OM was in my house, including my bedroom, several times while I was on travel so there may very well be triggers in my own home.

We are in the same town but chance of running across OM is slim. I believe OM is so scared of losing his own family he would not attempt contact. Not to say if OMW kicks him out he wouldn�t come looking for my wife. Not opposed to moving if we have to (we�re a military family and used to it) but I�m about to retire from active duty and we�d both rather put down roots here near her family

To the best of my knowledge, my wife gave up all notes, cards, gifts, etc. to me after the second DDay.

OMW has a facebook page my wife was looking at (I assume to view picture of OM) and when I discovered that I asked her to stop.

Hoping to not have to move. EPs in place were GPS on her car and keylogger on her computer which she did not know about long enough for me to feel confident she was not attempting contact. She discovered these a couple of weeks ago and has no objection to leaving those in place for accountability. Other than moving, we cannot address the concern of proximity. I believe my wife would let me know if the OM tried to contact her or if they ran into each other. But obviously if she reaches a point where she is determined to have contact, she could easily go underground and accomplish this.

Hi L2C, I want to encourage you. I am a FWW too. I see so many parallels in the feelings that your wife has for the former OM and my own feelings that I still have deep inside as well.

BUT, and this is the big part. Every day I get closer and closer to falling totally in love with my sweet BH. I can see the love he has for me and our son. He is doing everything perfectly and I see it all. Every day and every thing that we experience together brings us closer.

Yes I still have feelings for the OM. Yes I still think of him sometimes. Yes I wonder about things that I know I shouldn't. But at the end of the day I know that it is not real. He never was my future. It is all memories of something that never should have happened and I truly wish I had done things so differently. I hope that PSMF can feel that way too.

I know that the real love and real life that I have with my husband is the love that will make me happy. I do everything I can to show him how much I appreciate him. I believe this to be true for you two as well.

I feel as though you are standing where my BH stands. I just want to tell you as though you were him. Please wait. Please keep loving. Please don't give up. She sees you for the wonderful man that you are. You are the one who still stands beside her even though she has done so much to break your heart.

Stay strong and keep the faith. No one said it would be easy but please stay and see it through. I live that every day. I am staying and promising my heart to the man that fought for me and loves me the most. With continued NC, UA, and all the wonderful holiday memories with the kiddos eventually her heart will choose you. Letting go of the emotions is hard, but it gets easier with time. Her own intelligence will get to her some day. My own ability to see things for what they really were amazes me every day.

I am not an expert and I really got 2x4'd when I first posted, I just felt compelled to post to you. Stick around and keep reading. This site really keeps me grounded. I come here every day almost. It keeps me on the right path. Glad that you are here.

I, too, am a WW. I second everything foreversunshine says. Don't give up. It takes a long time to recover. Read my story and you'll see my progress.

One thing you might want to constantly remind your wife is that if she even makes indirect contact, such as looking at the OMW FB page (see my signature).......it takes both of you back to day one.

L2C, a couple of things stand out that might be causing the problem. Does she have a facebook page AT ALL? If she does, then she is looking at the OM's pictures via the OMW's page. Everytime she goes on facebook she will be triggered and tempted. And of course she is not going to stop or tell you. So, have her completely delete facebook. No one needs facebook and it is an invitation to an affair that prevents recovery.

SEcondly, are you traveling? Do you spend the nights apart?

And how is your UA time? Because THIS PROGRAM DOES NOT WORK UNLESS YOU GET IN YOUR UA TIME. It takes 20-30 hours per week of UA time to fall in love and 15 hours to maintain. Are you doing that?

SugarCane

Yes

L2C

markos

Good words. I will press on. And thank you for the links to the broadcasts. I look forward to listening those.

L2C

ML (and CT)

My wife has not had a FB account for years but was going to the OMW's FB cover page where there was a picture of the OM and OMW. When I discovered this and asked her to stop, she did. I know for a fact because I was using a keylogger. She now knows about that now but did not at the time--long enough for me to be confident she was honoring my request. I believe she is continuing to avoid any such deliberate triggers


I immediately went to my boss on after DDay1 and asked not to travel. He has fully supported that and I have not been away from home a single night since 20 August.


We are both working diligently together at UA. We are going on hour-long walks 3-4 times a week (harder now that it's cold). Going out to dinner once a week. Doing our MB together in the evenings.

L2C, if you are doing all those things, I would try and beef up the quality of your UA time and make the bulk of it AWAY from home. You should have FOUR date nights. UA time at home is not really high quality and it can complement good UA time, but when home UA time is the bulk, it is going to take much longer to have an effect.

And just think of it this way. Which is more exciting? Getting dressed up and smelling nice and going out on the town? Or sitting on the couch with your spouse late at night when you are tired and look like hell? UA time is most effective when you are out with each other.

Harley recommends 4 dates of 4 hours each per week. In my marriage, and we are in LOVE, we can tell a difference when we fall under 15 hours. So I cannot imagine that 8 to 10 hours of UA time, mostly at home is going to do much.

Foreversunshine

Thank you for these words. I believe this, too. It is good to hear it from someone who is further down the road. I am glad for you--for the progress you described in your own situation.

I just printed out your 30-page thread, �My affair was exposed� in hopes I�ll find some additional wisdom there.

L2C

Comedytragedy

Thank you. It is encouraging to know others are persevering. I just looked up your thread--looks like I go me a lot of reading to do! :-)

L2C

ML
O.K. Good advice. We definitely could be doing a lot better on UAT and it sounds like we�d better get serious about picking up the pace. Thank you.
L2C

She did not confess it. I discovered it. The affair ended only because I exposed it to OMW and OM threw my wife under the bus to save his own neck. She was deeply in love with this guy because he met every EN I had been failing to meet and she had poor boundaries. I believe she is still in the withdrawal phase which Dr. Harley says can last up to six months.

I just need to hear from others there is hope and that time will heal. And that IS what I am hearing. I do believe we will make it through. My wife wants to want to do the right thing and each day she is a little more confident her feelings for OM will pass.


While I appreciate the tough-love approach, I don�t believe that is the appropriate response here. We are past the fog (plenty of tough-love 2x4s from MB family on her first threads back in August during that time). I would greatly appreciate only encouraging comments on my wife�s thread. She IS working hard with me to save our marriage and IS showing me with her actions that she is trying.

I'm not taking any approach yet, L2C, as I'm still gathering some info here.

In your thread title, you said she's "in love" with him. Would she agree with that characterization, that she's in love with him? I realize I can't expect you to speak for her or to know her feelings with 100% certainty; but what do you think?

As a former wayward, I'm all about spreading hope. (Where would I be without it?) Whether that means a pat on the back or a kick in the buns, or a lil' of both? Well, that depends on the circumstances...

Maybe.

Not if she feels she's still in love with him. (If that's the case, she might be past some fog, but not all of it. If she's still in withdrawal, then she's still got some fog to get past -- that's by definition.)

Now, I'm not presupposing that she's still in love with him. Waiting for your thoughts on whether you think that characterization of yours was accurate. Then we can take it from there, OK?