Once you take the paycheck on friday...it's not likely you'll get access to one again. The only way that could happen is if you can convince him that you're sorry you took the money and you won't do it again and he buys it.

Most likely...he changes the direct deposit. So there's no sense delaying any longer. We've got 6 days to help you plan this.

Mr. W

I agree with Mr. W. Use these next 6 days to get your finances secure while th PI continues. You do have enough circumstantial evidence but you need to worry about your welfare. Then you can drop the exposure bomb.

Glad your friend will help. Have you spoke to a lawyer yet?

Can you get your son's perscriptions done now?

Mr. W...

We are financially not well off depsite having a higher income. By the time he started making good money our son was sick, we were in debt, and never caught up. Add 2 cross country moves to the mix. We had a small amount of 401k he withdrew so we could move and get things set when he took this job last year. It took everything we had to get moved here.

Frankly, we have been in Chapter 13 bankrupcty for 2.5 years and have 2.5 years to go. At that time everything would have been paid for. Our old house (crumbling DWMH with no equity or real value, our son is living there and will soon be homeless if he doesn't find some place new and cheap soon), both vehicles, a few small credit accounts, and lots of medical bills are in that bankrupcty plan.

We have now missed the third payment in a row due to this mess. WH wants to surrender the house to lower the payment, which won't help him much with a deficiency judgement, or withdraw from BR altogether, which means all those debts we'd become liable for again. The cars are likely soon to be repossessed if that happens, although I think I'll be okay since my disabled son can get us a car, and since I personally have no income I could refile Chapter 7 bankrupcty and it would be okay. WS makes too much money for Chapter 7 (total forgiveness of debt) Wonder if OW knows all this, or just sees him pulling all that cash out on his debit card and tossing it around? Yeah, embarrassing but we have nothing like retirement, savings, anything like that. We're just higher paid hand-to-mouthers.

MM

When I get home I'm selling his shot guns. That's the only thing of value I think we have to sell and raise money.

But yeah, today I'm thinking more and more about WP exposure. This is how I am. I have to get the info and process it before accepting it as what I must do.

IDK what on earth I will say or how I will act when I get back and see him. I will have to trade back cars with him at some point. I'll ask about a voice recorder.

Any more thoughts?
MM

I can do the prescriptions now on two of them. If I pay the copays on what money I have now. The new treatment he starts Wednesday will be billed Tuesday before it ships. Medicaid itself will pay for only ONE brand name drug. He will be on three. IDK IDK.

The lawyer... I found out he expects $1500 to start your case. i was devastated. I don't know another lawyer. I thought WS would have to pay and they'd bill HIM. This is his freaking idea! A friend is calling more lawyers for me.

MM

MM,

Direct deposits automatically go into an account at midnight. See if the bank where his check is direct deposited allows transfers between bank accounts online. If so, this week, set up an account in your name and, as soon as his paycheck is in the account, go online and transfer the money into your own account before he ever has a chance.

For example, DH and I have two checking accounts at Wells Fargo that we had prior to out marriage last December. We can transfer money between the two accounts simply by going online and doing so. The money is transferred within seconds. In our instance, we both have access to each other's account, but in your instance, your WH would not be on or have access to the second account and you could empty his paycheck out of his account before he ever has a chance.

BB, I thought about that. I already opened a bank account for just me last week. They have transfers but you have to add your account, wait a few days to verify, and then can do it. I worried if I added my account now he might notice. Although There is really no way he could notice. He doesn't use online banking, no local branch to go to. I don't think he even knows the account number because he doesn't even have a checkbook! (Unless they dug around while I was gone and found the box of checks, but they'd have to have looked hard because they were not in an easy to find location because I hardly use checks anymore.)

I will go check into how to add an account. He has no access to this account and unless they were snooping and found the info at my house he doesn't even know I have it. I don't think she could pose as me and get my money either.

BB, you were the legal person who STILL thought exposure was good idea at work and unlikely to lead to termination? Even if I call that reporting line you think they will try not to term him? Not that he deosn't deserve itm but it's scary. I tink the corporate line is a better option to actually get some action. His boss will likely turn his head to it, and IDK about the HR woman, she seemed nice and like a good personw ho wouldn't want a ho to help my husband destroy his family, but who knows?????

MM

What if I can't find a lawyer and get leal financial protection by exposure day? I am really scared about that. Although if he gets fired the money agreement will be meaningless anyway.

MM

Well, duh. I didn't think add the JOINT info to my PERSONAL and transfer it from the new account. Then he definitely wouldn't see my info until I requested the money. Hmmmm.

LATER: Well, that didn't work out. Should I try adding my personal account to the joint page so I can get in verified to transfer friday?

MM

Not sure about that one.....check your bank's website.....

As far as workplace exposure, I can't say for certain whether they would terminate him or what other action they might take because I don't have all the facts and I don't know who your WH's employer is. I do think, though, that if you are going to do workplace exposure, which I encourage, you should do it via the Helpline. Is it possible they could terminate him, yes. Look at it this way, though, if they terminate him it is because he has or is doing something that is an egregious violation of his company's policies. It would be because he is not acting with integrity or in an ethical manner. His employer needs to know that much the same as you need to know what he is doing to your marriage. For example, if he is using company time and resources to perpetuate the A, he is stealing from his company. Don't they have a right to know that to stop it? It's no different than if someone was stealing from you and others knew. Wouldn't you have the right to know?

Madmomma, I don't think you are seeing the big picture here. A DIVORCE would be much more devastating to your family financially and emotionally than the loss of his job. By your own admission, he has had other job offers and can get another job. Any damage from the job loss would be temporary. The damage from a divorce would be long term and devastating. It would change your lives permanently.

If he does not leave that company, you are facing divorce. Period.

The best scenario is that they would separate them at work for now while he looks for another job. But not exposing would cause the most damage to your family and your marriage AND your finances.

I would expose to the hotline as Britsbrat suggested, but ALSO expose [not anonymously] to the director of HR, a key VP and both their supervisors. They need to know it was you who did it so you can hold them accountable.

MM, the community in which you live may have a program or programs in which lawyers volunteer their time to accept a family case or two a year with no charge. Your WH will have to find his own lawyer. If you live in a 'county' look up that county's "bar association" and they will have a number to call. Call it and see what they may have in that area. If not, there may also be legal aid clinics that can assist you too. Look under that topic, or ask the person at the 'bar association' number for any assistance that they can provide to you.

Doesn't sound like he's gonna be racing you to the bank to get the money. My guess is most payroll deposits happen in the AM and if you can't transfer the funds electronically, you can just go to the bank and withdraw the cash.

Considering the financial mess your husband has your family in it's no wonder he's "escaping" into the fantasy land of an affair (not excusing it...just explaining it....marital woes rarely happen when making love on piles of money)... POINT IS: He needs a big dose of Reality to hit him in the face. If he loses that job it really doesn't sound like you'll be in a much worse position. It's ALREADY horrible and he's been working making good money for a bit of time here and he's already missed the last three bankruptcy payments. You're screwed either way...so might as well TRY to wake him up with the biggest dose of reality you can and hope him hitting ROCK BOTTOM helps. If not, you proceed with extricating yourself from this train wreck and moving on with your life.

YOU WILL MAKE IT.

Mr. W

Thank you. There is more weirdness over there but not involving the OW. IDK, I'm thinking a drug issue. But could be wrong. Meanwhile I am running up my tab. I'm thinking to go home early and hide out at my friend's across the street and watch and take pics. IDK what to do. I think tomorrow while he thinks my friends are at church he will be in the backyard pool.

I have been working on my exposure letters, even my written report for the corporate complaint line. But I am scared without that final coffin nail. The circumstantial is overwhelming but he is so crazy he will still deny it.

I'm praying. It is a train wreck. You are right.
Thank you all.

MM

Great idea! Would your friends be willing to let you into the house while they're at church? Is there a way for you to get into the house without going in where he can see you? Your friends could make a show of leaving in case WH is watching to see if they're gone. He just might let his guard down after he sees them leave.

*****************************EDIT**************************

MM, you seem to be confusing "ends" and "means".

Gathering all that intel is useful only if applied as a tool to achieve your goals. Continuing to acquire substantiating, corroborative evidence, as a screen for not taking action, is foolish.

WH is shacking up with multiple(?) women, and has been conducting EMA(s) at the house in question.

That's all you need to drop the exposure-bomb. You need not describe whether the "tramp stamp" on POSOW's back is of roses or lilies. WH's manager is not going to care about the design (unless he's also seen the design up close and REAL personal, for which reason you want to expose as widely as possible!)

Industrial wisdom; "Sometimes it's time to shoot the engineers and ship the damn product!"

In your case, stop "gathering" and start "disseminating"!

How are things, mm?

mm, can you come back and give us an update? How are you?

I have not read everything in this thread, but I want to make it clear that I am in favor of exposure of an affair in the workplace when a spouse will not leave the job after or during an affair with a fellow worker. An affair is such an egregious violation of marital trust that ending it trumps employment and even possible legal action. While most companies will cooperate with the betrayed spouse to separate unfaithful employees, some do not. But it's still worth pursuing considering the suffering that affairs cause. And it definitely speeds up the death of an affair.

As for proof regarding an affair, the more you have, the better. But even if you have no absolute proof, but solid circumstantial evidence, a visit to the head of personnel can alert others to be on watch.

Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr.