Seems we have an enablers convention in town with many new and old posters who are enabling their spouse's affair by keeping the secret. Please understand that affairs thrive on secrecy, so keeping it a secret is tantamount to driving the alcoholic to the bar and giving them money for booze.

Nothing that we tell you to do can overcome your enabling. Nothing.

Here is Dr Harley talking to a man who kept his wife's affair a big secret for 2 years. Her affair became so entrenched from his enabling that she was LEAVING HIM and their children for her OM. Dr Harley told him "its hard to save a marriage when you are an enabler"

[b][color:#FF0000][size:17pt]LISTEN HERE![/size][/color][/b]

People here dearly want to help you, but there is nothing we can do to help you if you won't help yourself.

Personally, I refuse to post to someone who will not expose because I know they are not serious. If they can't be bothered to expose then I can't be bothered either. It is unfair to ask posters here to help when you won't take the advice.

Yeah .. thats a tough one. Especailly when the BS feels that exposing will "end it for sure".

I think really, exposing is just pushing the WS off the fence towards what they planned on doing all along.

*shrugs*

Actually, exposure usually kills the affair so it is not tough at all. All BS's feel like exposure will "end it for sure" but feelings are not truth.

The marriage is likely to end if the affair is not exposed. It will end because of the affair. The problem is that many betrayed spouses have an irrational FEAR of exposure.

Getting divorced because you didn't expose is what is "tough."

Of course .. we all know (hind sight is 20/20) that exposing, MORE OFTEN THAN NOT, kills the affair, it also stops the BS from being strung along waiting to find out what the WS planned on doing all along.

What the WS "plans" on doing is conducting the affair and keeping the BS strung along. A WS doesn't typically have any plans beyond that, because he is about as strategic and thoughtful as a falling down drunk.

Do you understand the mentality of a wayward, MrNiceGuy?

And more importantly, lets say the WS does have plans to leave for his affair. The BS can ruin those plans by exposing the affair. That is the goal. To RUIN any such plans.

Oh yes ... I do. First hand .... thankfully not my wife. But my wifes mother! Who is not a good example in this topic.

Edit: to add quote.

Did she appear very rational to you?

Nope... and never has been as far as I can tell. We have not spoken to her since the exposure of her affair. She continues to rationalize it (very sad) and lives in the fog unfortunately. I dont think she has ever NOT been in the fog her entire life. But thats just my opinion and my wifes of course. We chalked it up to her personality .. shes one of those "electric fence" personalities. Its really sad actually .. and since none of us were enablers for her affair .. we are of the devil! .. lol

Very timely thread as usual ML

I exposed 3 days post DDay and I knew nothing of MB at the time. I just don't get the reluctance of some BS.

Exposing led to the OW throwing my WH under the bus to save her skin

Exposing got me some very needed support at a difficult time

Exposing helped my WH wake up and see his poor choices

Exposing to my kids helped them understand why bad things were happening in their home.

Exposing shed a mammoth seize fog light on the A and killed it.

And that's just a few of the benefits.

What's there to be scared of?

I exposed within a week of DDay. My wife was very, very angry and held it against me even after the divorce. It definitely drove her farther away. But now we are reconciling and she has put it past her. Does she wish I didn't expose? Yes, because she's ashamed of what she's done. But I think she understands I was fighting for our marriage. She is no longer angry with me about it.

After exposure she got almost no support for her affair and she was alienated because of it. This didn't drive her away from her affair partner, but it contributed significantly to the unhappiness of her situation. As things started to unravel with her POSOM, she hit rock bottom. Exposure did its work at this stage.

Exposing is very important because it enables the true story to get out unadulterated (excuse the pun). There is no chance for the wayward spouse to obfuscate the truth and whitewash the affair. The affair becomes inconvenient and uncomfortable.

I can never understand why BS's are reluctant to expose.

She is ashamed and would like to move away from her friends and family. But I think time will ease those feelings.

Same here, NB.

Exposed on Dday to kids, my sister, and friend. Looked for BH and exposed to him three days later along with inlaws and others. All the benefits you listed...agreed. I have no regrets about exposure and there was no way I was getting divorced with some "we just grew apart" BS. WH threw OW under the bus...she didn't like it lol and got to see just how special she was.

This is why I've tried to stick to BSs who have done what they needed to do and need support in the ongoing fight.

Posting to a new BS, especially the crop that doesn't want to expose, sometimes feels like banging my head in the oven door. The oven doesn't care and I get a headache..

Forgot to mention that my exposure helped protect further families from going through this because my OW was a total POS and she only went after married men (my WH was number 5 in the store they worked in) so when I exposed her she was warned by management that should she begin any further relationships with married colleagues she would loose her job and there is a note regarding this in her work file. She was demoted from management to a measly position.

she is the laughing stock of her colleagues, no one would touch her with a barge pole at work and she is shunned and isolated.

Extra bonus was that my WH company actually paid us a settlement because they recognised that they failed to protect him from the OW as she had slept with 4 other married managers who then quit their job once the A was discovered but they never took action regarding her behaviour.

Exposure is never pleasant but it can hold many good surprises and you really discover who is worth keeping in your life, who truly loves and supports you and who is there just for the drama.

I really can't praise the exposure enough. In a strange way it gave me my dignity back.

This next statement might be seen as controversial but I view BS who refuse to expose as selfish, they are only thinking about their embarrassment and the discomfort of having to deal with a WS anger etc.

They are putting themselves first, they are not trying to save their WS and I especially dislike BS who refuse to expose the BS of the OP.

Why on earth would anyone be reluctant to inform a fellow BS that they are being betrayed is beyond me.

I exposed and am glad I did.
My marriage still ended in divorce but by exposing everyone knew of OM criminal record and it ruined my ex wife's plans of replacing me with him

Same here. Exposure rocks.

Not wanting to expose is the result of one thing: FEAR. I was there preMB. I know. If I had found MB soon after dday, I hope I would have had the courage to do it. Some people are never afraid, some people take longer to overcome their fear than others. But I agree with NB28, lack of exposure is selfish and unloving.