Hi all, I hope someone can give me some direction and advice...

My husband and I have been married for 21 years. 15 years ago I had a very brief affair with a coworker. My husband and I decided to stay together and work on our marriage.
We had our 3rd child, bought a house and things seemed ok for many years.

About 6 years ago my husband told me that as hard as he tried, he just doesn't love me anymore and was willing to stay or the kids. I could leave if I chose to but decided to stay
hoping things would work out.

This past January my husband and I were intimate for the first time in 5 years. Things
Had been well between us and he initiated this, expressing that he
Wanted to see if we could put things back together and he could love me again.
We have been having an intimate relationship for the past 8 months.

Yesterday he told me that he realized quickly after this started
In January that he would never love me again and had only been having sex with me
Because it was fun and it made the house peaceful and less stressful.

I feel completely deceived and used. I told him he should have told me 8 months ago that his feelings hadn't changed, that for the past 8 months I thought we were working towards a better marriage, had I known his true feelings I wouldn't have had sex with him, I love him dearly and as much as I enjoyed it, we clearly wanted two different things.

I'm angry, hurt and upset. I can't continue a sexual relationship with him knowing its
Only for fun and he doesn't love/care about me. Although I made a huge mistake years ago by having my affair, I know I deserve better and I'm not the same person/wife

What do I do????.

I see 2 choices for you here. You can ask your husband if he wants to have a safe, romantic and fulfilling marriage with you by following the basic concepts here (have you read the concepts yet?).

Or you can separate from him until he is willing to commit to follow the marriage builders program using the basic concepts.

Otherwise, you will be stuck in a marriage that makes you miserable.

Thx you for responding-

I know my options are few. I guess it doesn't matter that I feel crushed and deceived by him. Maybe after what I did 15 years ago is only part of what I deserved. In hindsight the signs were all there, he never wanted to be seen with me around friends, wouldn't take me to lunch, etc, but would then come home and get romantic and I fed right into it thinking that he really had feelings for me...I feel so foolish.

I would be lying if I said I hope that one day he sees me differently and realizes how great a wife and life he has today. We also have 3 kids, although I feel that he will stick around until they are all out of the house and then leave.

I feel awful....

Call the Harley's and do a phone session.

Lacole,

My husband and I have been married for 21 years. 15 years ago I had a very brief affair with a coworker.

Please read up here on MB about meeting your spouses needs, you may not even know what they are. I would encourage you to read the BH threads to get an idea how your BH felt about your affair.

It really sounds like he never got over your affair, men can hold on to resentment for decades, but on the surface seem to have gotten over it.

Did you answer all his questions about the affair, or did your BH feel he was never going to get the full truth and just gave up?

Did you trickle truth your BH, that is where you admit to details about the affair over months or years, each new admission setting the clock back to zero.

Did your BH ever confront the OM and was the OM's wife, OMW told?

God Bless
Gamma

lacole, is it possible that your husband is having an affair of his own?

Hi thr-

I pretty much addressed it head on, answered his questions and talked about it as long as he needed to. He also confronted the OM who was not married.

He says that he has forgiven me, but will never forget or trust me again. He just doesn't love me anymore, he cares about me to an extent but that's it.

I'm not making light of what I did, it's the one thing in my entire life that I would take back if I could. I just don't know what to do anymore, sometimes I don't feel worthy of someone that loves me because if what I did. I love my husband, I don't know what else to do. I did tell him that I could not continue to have an intimate relationship with him as it's just to difficult, he is there for fun and I'm there with emotional feelings for him. I also don't want to feel used and disrespected, which is exactly what the past 8 months made me feel like.

I want to meet his needs but this is the 2nd time he has told me he no Longer loves me, seems he must be pretty certain and clear. He closed his heart to me, I have offered counciling but he is not interested.

Seems my options are not good...

Hi thr- you know, idk.

There is a coworker that he seems to text more then normal, I asked him about it and he said that sometimes it's about work and other times it's just banter back and forth.

I don't think he would have an affair, but also feel like he thinks I had no right to question him or what he is doing considering my history with an affair years ago.

Honestly, not good...

You have every right to be suspicious. Just because YOU had an affair, doesn't mean it's okay for him to have one.

What spyware do you have in place?

Also, have you read this?

Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

I completely agree with you, but he won't see it that way. He doesn't feel I have a right to ask him what he is doing or who he is talking to. He is very angry at me, resentful and bitter. We are basically house mates and I'm relying him to help with the bills as I'm out of work currently, although desperately searching...

Funny, things seemed so much better when our relationship was intimate. He was very chatty, accommodating and happy. I find out that he had no intentions of ever reconciling with me and refuse to have sex with him and his whole demeanor changes.

None, just checking his text/call logs on the cell phone site. I asked him who is was that he was texting all the time and he told me.

Any other suggestions?

What EPs have you put in place?

How have you affair proofed your marriage?

Have you seen this?
Can We Just Forgive and Forget?

We can help him fall in love with you again. You guys are playing pool blindfolded, but if you take the correct steps, you can fall in love again. Check this out: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8114_plan.html

He's probably having his own affair. Most men don't just stop having sex for 5 years.

Hi all...

My marriage is on the verge of collapse..when I think about it, maybe it has been that way for sometime...

15 years ago I had a brief affair, my husband found out, and we decided to move forward and try and work things out. We had a 3rd child and bought a new home as well. We never did go to marriage counseling as this is something my husband does not believe in. The affair was the worst mistake of my life, the one thing I would take back if I could. It was wrong on all levels and I own it 100%.

5 years ago, my husband came to me and told me he no longer loved me and didn't think he ever could again. He just cant get over the affair. We both decided to just live peacefully for the kids and also for financial reasons we stayed together although there was no intimacy for 5 years. This past January things became physical again, things has been going really well and my husband said he just wanted to move forward and see what would happen. The past 9 months have been really good, I thought we were creating a new foundation, slowly but surely he would realize what a great wife I had been and grow to love me again.

Well, a few days ago, he told me that he would never love me and had known this back in January when the intimacy started, but things had been going so well that he didn't want to tell me his feelings. As you can imagine, I was so hurt. I felt deceived for 9 months, like it was all pretend. He knew I was emotionally invested and he was not, but he kept going on.

Part of me feels like I deserved it after what I did 15 years ago. He told me he forgave me for the affair long ago, but when I think about it, he hasn't. He has reminded me every day for 15 years that Im not worthy of love, he has withheld affection, emotional support, etc,., an ever constant reminder of what I did and that I would do no better. He doesn't feel badly about me feeling this way and told me had I not had the affair non of this would have happened so I can only blame myself for feeling this way.

I asked him if he would go to counseling and again he said no. I know that I cant want this marriage or work on it alone, nor will I beg him to stay. He knows I am willing to work on the marriage.

In addition, I recently found him texting a women at work who is 20 years younger then him (he is 50). I asked him about this and he said they are just friends, someone he talks to about movies, etc...I don't know if I should believe it nor does it matter. I stopped looking at his call/texting logs as its just too painful. I have also stopped crying and displaying weakness to him as this only allows him control.

In addition, I feel like he has this "blank slate" to treat me anyway he wants, his thinking seems to be there is nothing worse then what I did (the affair) so anything that isn't that bad he justifies to himself. Its ok to him as long as its not an affair, and even if he had one, he would probably justify that as well.

I just feel like I have no options. Im not working, so financially I cant leave at the moment, I had 3 kids and need to plan this out with sensitivity to them.

Please help....

Why have you started a new thread, lacole? Why aren't you updating your thread in SaA?

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=169412&Number=2757434#Post2757434

I wasn't sure if I had posted the original thread under the correct topic. Im new to this..please forgive me...

It does sound like a lot of time, but honestly, I don't think he was...sounds crazy, I know...