I am so depressed. i just ca't shake this depression. You can find my story in the affair section if you would like to know what happened.

Right now I need someone to talk to. I don't have any friends here. My mother is dying of cancer and is no longer the person I can call to confide in because she is either busy living her last days, or completely out of it from all her medications. My sister just got married and doesn't want to listen to my baggage. My dad, is my dad and it's awkward to talk to him. I had a few friends here. But they all decided they'd really rather be friends with the OW, or just don't want my problems in their life.

I don't want to hear that we need to move away. I know this. But it absolutely is not possible right now for many reasons, so please don't tell me that is the solution.

We were on the road to recovery. We were doing very well. We took up ballroom dancing again. We spent tons of time together. We were talking to one another. We weren't fighting very much at all. We were making love. Can I say that here? But around Christmas I started getting depressed again.

We had an agreement that he would never go anywhere without me or the kids, except to and from work. he was fine with this agreement and never complained. it worked out for 5 months. Then I got a job. He was home alone on Christmas Eve while I was at work. He had some overtime he had to eat. He decided to go shopping. He went to a store just around the corner from her house. That night he called our new dog HER name. I was very hurt and upset, but he acted like it wasn't a big deal at all. I shouldn't have been bothered in the least by it. That set everything in motion. Why would he call our dog her name? Unless he went and saw her that day. This is what was running through my mind. i asked him as well. His response was, "I don't know why i called her that". And that was it.

A little under a month later she texted him. No communication from her in 5 months and she texts him with a picture of a business card, stating "this is the card you have been looking for. i found it in a box of crap". I was furious and beyond hurt. He showed me the text immediately and said, do you know who this is from? Acting like he had no idea!!! I was infuriated and just gave him a look and walked away. My question to him later, was how could she possibly have that card? what reason would she have it? He was supposedly alone when he was given this business card. (There's a whole story behind this card.) He misplaced it the day he got it. 6 months later it shows up at her house in a box of "crap". If he was alone, how did it end up in her posession. It wasn't anything she herself would be interested in. And furthermore, why would she break her promise and send him a text after 5 months of supposedly no communication? How does she know he hasn't already contacted this person in the meantime or found the contact information himself? He has saved the picture on his tablet, for the sole reason of having the phone number to this organization. That bothers me. But I shouldn't be upset about this. because he showed the me text right away and didn't reply. I told him i was grateful that he told me and hadn't replied, but he kept the text for a while and the picture. And he didn't understand why i was upset at all. This happened 2 days after our anniversary.

Fast forward a few months. he has lied to me twice now in the past month. As I said before we have an agreement that he doesn't go anywhere without anyone with him. We live 5 miles from OW. he decided he was going to stay after work for a men's get together with a few guys at work. I understand it is a christian fellowship thing. If he wants to do that it has to be with me, or with his son. If I am to trust him again ever, he just has to stick with this agreement. He just isn't ok with this. He says it is at work with his coworkers. They wouldn't lie to me. All I have to do is call. But they aren't at "work". They aren't in the office he works in. They are in the cafeteria, or a meeting room, or........at a nearby restaurant. I have no way of knowing exactly when the meeting starts or is over. They could vouch for him. I don't know these people, so I'm not going to trust them. he just can't understand this. He continued to ask every month 2-3 times a month if he could go to these meetings. I even got an email from his boss (who heads the meetings) to find it in my heart to let him go! I told him why I was uncomfortable and he should respect my feelings and my wishes if he is a Christian man. i am just trying to salvage my marriage. I sent a text to my husband the next time he asked stating "I will not be the B who keeps you from your Christian faith. I will go to our dance class with another man, and you can go to your meeting". He took this as me saying he could go. But....... The next meeting they had, he kept secret from me. he didn't tell me about it. he didn't ask if he could go. He alls me 1 hour after he was supposed to leave work. He tells this BIG lie about work taking longer, a big accident in the city, he's just now leaving. I'm not an idiot. I follow his texts online. The men had told him about this meeting the previous night. He had all night and all day to tell me about it. He even called the kids to say he was in the locker room changing to come home. Then 5 minutes later calls and says he's been sitting in traffic for half an hour. He tries to tell me that there was half an hour in between when he called the kids and me, and I showed him our phone records.

I haven't touched him since. I stopped saying I love you. I just couldn't say it. I can't stand the thought of him touching me. It makes me want to throw up. He lied to me again 2 nights ago. He made up 3 separate lies and today he had a new one. It was all to cover up the fact that he is smoking again! I told him that a lie of omission is still a lie. It is what got him in trouble those 6 months of his affair. Which he still will argue about. One day he says it was an affair, the next day he says it wasn't. He still can't tell the truth about it. How am I ever going to trust him?

On top of everything he has been treating me horribly over the past 5 months. no matter what I say I am wrong. He is always right. i have no idea what I'm ever talking about. It can be something as trivial as a character in a movie. He has to have the last word in everything. When it comes to disciplining the kids, I can't just tell them to do something. he has to make sure that the final command comes from him. He is the ultimate lord and master in this house. Of course he denies it and gets mad at me when I say so. I'm wrong. i'm just making it all up. he isn't doing that. He isn't doing anything wrong. Then he tells me he wishes he had someone to talk to. (about me) He hurts me, treats me like crap, treats me as I'm inferior to him. But he needs someone to talk to.

I am beyond depressed. But I am weak. I am too weak to leave him. I've wanted to leave him since the first year we were married. I'm an extremely dependent person. I'm terrified he will try to take my kids away from me. Who the H would ever want me? I'm old, fat, ugly, and have 3 kids in tow if he doesn't take them from me. I can't support myself and 3 kids on my own. I never went to college. I just finally got my very first full time job. I make over minimum wage. I will be making $15000 total this year. I can't afford rent on that, let alone food, insurance, medical bills, clothing....... So I stay. No matter how badly he treats me. No matter how many times he lies. I just listen to his pitiful explanations, cry, and stay.

ATU, I am sorry you are still in a bad place, but this is all very predictable. I don't see how you can recover unless you take the advice we gave. I realize its hard to get new jobs and move away, but it is harder to end up divorced because you have an OW hanging around. It is pretty obvious your H has not ended the affair.

Your depression comes from not recovering your marriage. Your husband will never withdraw from the OW living right there by her. As such, he won't fall in love with you. That causes you to stay in state of depression. I don't know anyone who up and moved who wasn't extremely happy about that decision later.

You have to change your lifestyles if you want your marriage to change. Its really that simple.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

AU, I'm in recovery as well, so I really have no expertise. But I can tell there are a lot of holes in your EP's.

Is your husband on board with recovery? Does he have a list of EP's?

You should probably start the online program if you really want to recover.

Of course the biggest glaring problem is that you live by the OW but I wanted to comment that even if he always had you or the kids with him, how does that prevent him from running into the OW accidentally? EVery time he sees her or her car or some place they met, his feelings will be triggered regardless of whether you are there or not. That only motivates him to sneak around and see her when you aren't there. And that is exactly what is happening.

And he still has the same phone # so she text him? It is so obvious that they are still having the affair but if he were even remotely serious about ending his affair, that would be the first thing he would change.

I get the sense that you all are under the impression that you believe you don't have to make any changes in order to recover. That belief would be wrong. If you folks want to recover your marriage, you are going to have to get serious.

Half measures will avail you nothing. As you are learning the hard way....

Yes you are right, he could run into her. Somehow God has smiled on me and I have not seen her even once in the past 7 months. I can't believe it's been 7 months since I found out! I understand it is a trigger. So many things are triggers for me. Unfortunately as I said moving is not an option. Period.

So besides the fact that our house will not sell. He cannot find a job anywhere else. I have already been immensely hurt. I'm being told I have to uproot my life and become even more depressed because I have to leave the job I love, the church I love, make my children leave their friends. That is the only thing that will help and work? And I would have to get rid of all but 2 of my animals because there's no way I can buy a house. We will have to live in an apartment with 5 people. My pets are my children. Only animal people would understand. It would rip me to pieces. I've had them all over 8 years or more. So I'm supposed to be hurt even more because he had an affair. I have to drop my entire life. That just doesn't sound right to me.

I understand you will all ask, what's more important, your marriage or your animals. It isn't that simple. This isn't just about my animals. It is just 1 factor.

Trust me, we tried. We are still keeping our eyes and ears open for a new job. If he finds a job in another state and our house hasn't sold, he will have to move away from us for who knows how long (again, since it happened before for an entire YEAR!) How is that good for our marriage? We have no one to stay behind to watch the house here. We can't afford to rent or buy if our house hasn't sold. We cannot rent out our house because again, we have no one to manage it and cannot afford to fly back and forth. Especially if he takes another job, because no matter where we go, he will be taking a pay cut!

So as I said, moving is not an option!!

I needed an ear. I needed someone who has been there before, or who just cares. Because no one here that I know cares.(EDITED) I love my co-workers, but my job is my sanctuary. I don't know anyone there well enough to tell them this horror story. I can be happy at work. I am away from my life for 8 hours. It really does help. It is almost therapy for me. I know that sounds like a red flag, but we are all women. even if I had the opportunity to do anything, I have no interest in adding more drama to my life. At this point I would rather cut men out of my life completely.

I just wanted to hear that maybe there is some way that I can find a way out of this depression without moving. That will cause an even deeper depression. I refuse to take medication. It doesn't help much and doesn't take care of the problem.

I have no idea if he is still seeing this woman. Really there is no time unaccounted for. Except the time it takes him to drive to and from work. The time is always different. Anywhere from 40-70 minutes. But that usually has to do with rush hour traffic or the lack thereof.

There are so many ways he could be contacting her. He is not using his phone, facebook, or emailS. But he could be calling from work. He may have a trac phone that he leaves at work. I just found out you can message through Skype. His work phone doesn't allow those programs though and I've kept trac of his tablet and phone. I go on them often.

I keep thinking if he lies to me to keep me from knowing he is smoking, he most definitely will say anything to keep me from knowing he is still contacting her. She has told quite a few lies to people as well in the beginning, so I don't see her coming out and saying, yeah we're still seeing each other.

We were doing really well as I said. I was feeling better. We were getting along. We were doing things together. We were LOVING each other. Now in the past few months any time he touches me all I can do is think, did he do this with her? Did she do this better? He has said over and over it was never physical. It was just a friendship. He had feelings for her as a friend. Never more than that. I just can't believe that in my heart.

No we have not done a poly. Even if it comes up that he's lying he'll just deny it! That's who he is. Plus I don't have the $600 it costs. I'm not made of money. I literally don't have it. I had to get a job because they cut his hours! My job supplements our bills. We have even less now than we did a few months ago. This is REAL life.

Sorry, when you refuse to do any or all of the things that can help you, you can't expect improvement. My H took an early retirement, losing about $400,000 in retirement benefits; we sold a house at a loss; we moved our family 1200 miles. We both took anti-depressants for many months. I do not regret any one of these decisions. H and I love each other again and have a great marriage.

AM

I never said I refuse to move or do these things. I said we cannot. My husband can't take an early retirement. He's only 36! We have 3 middle schoolers! We have been trying. But as I said if he gets another job we will be separated. How is that good for a marriage????

We can't sell our house at a loss because we have no money to pay the bank off. We already did a deed in lieu of foreclosure with our first house when we moved here. The bank will not accept that again. We have 0 savings. We live paycheck to paycheck. We have been trying for 9 months. It is NOT possible!

Unless someone wants to buy our house for us? Or do you all want to chip in so we can pay the $30,000 difference after selling our house for lower than what we owe?

I've been begging him to move. We have been trying. But when there literally aren't any jobs hiring what are you supposed to do? When your house literally will not sell, what are you supposed to do?

I'll tell you, make the best of the situation you're stuck in. As I said, I was looking for an ear, someone who understands and can say I'm sorry you're feeling that way. I understand. One day things may be better. Keep your chin up. Hang in there. Keep trying.

Thanks.

ATU, you don't "have" to do anything! I was just telling you how you can have a happy, safe marriage and recover from his adultery. Feel free to reject that advice if you choose. It's all the same to me. Best wishes.

How has that been working?

That kind of thing doesn't help, though.


It would be terrible of us to tell you that things may one day get better in your situation - if things keep going on as they are, things will get worse. I would suggest that you start preparing for a separation. Or, alternatively, for hospitalization, because this is going to be very rough on you, emotionally and physically.

Well, sadly, your future is fairly predictable. Good luck to you and your family.

AM

One day things won't be better unless you make these changes. Unless you make these changes, things will get WORSE. I promise you!!

Things can get better for yourself if you put, in the effort and proper techniques that will be suggested over and over again.

What are YOU willing to do to change the current situation?

You have to realize that your own Fears are holding you back from taking corrective actions.

Things can also keep going the way they have been, or more likely, get worse if you don't do anything about it.

It's your choice.

LTL

Have you read through the, "Start Here First" thread at the beginning of the MB 101 or SAA sub-forums?

You can also learn a lot by reading other peoples entire thread topics.

The Harleys also have a free radio show to listen to daily, dealing with all sorts of relationship problems and their recommended solutions.

Time for you to start educating yourself about what options you have at your disposal.

LTL

Besides that you need to move, why hasn't he at least changed his contact information?

How did she text him 5 months later?

Are you on some ADs? I don't know how you've not had a break down or PTSD.

Well, he finally admitted it. July 14th. Took him over a year, but he admitted that he had sex with her. You were all right and I was an idiot. I just didn't want to see it. i knew there was more. i knew in my heart. Which is why I could never trust him. which is why I was constantly looking for evidence every day. But I chose to believe him and defend him. He kept it up for a year. He would have kept it up forever if my friend hadn't called me and told me that the OW had confessed a YEAR ago to her! But she didn't want to be the one to tell me. This is my wonderful life. No one f'ing cares.

I'm still with him. For a few days I couldn't go near him. Then after lots of time to myself I decided to give our marriage a chance now that everything was out in the open. He told me all the details (if even that was the truth cause how on earth am I ever to believe anything he ever says?) I confronted her online and she still denies it. Says I'm just listening to gossip. She's divorced her husband, but remained in our town even though she has no family even remotely near here.

Supposedly she tried for my friend's husband, had another guy on the side up in Boston. Then once my husband dumped her she immediately started sexting her new friend's boyfriends. She's a piece of work. My friend finally found out how manipulative and fake she really was a few months after the OW became her friend. It's all just unbelievable.

I've been trying. I really have. But I just can't stand my husbabnd. I do not like him. I cannot stand to be with him anymore Every time he trie to be intimate all I can think of is the two of them together. It was such a sick situation. There were no emotions. Just wam bam thank you mam. She instigated both times, if what he says is the truth. I don't know. I wonder sincce it took him half a day to write a paragraph. According to himit only happened 2 times according to him and after the first he had told her it was a mistake and it would never happen again and stopped talking to her for about a month, which was a lie because there were more texts between the 2 of them after the first sexual encounter. The second time she broke into our house and woke him up with her hand down his pants. Instead of saying no, he just went along with it. Then told her immediately that she needed to go and he had made another mistake and it would never happen again. But they were still thick as theives and he begged me to let him keep his friendship with her, going as far as trying to get me to become friends with her? He says he had no feelings for her, but that right there proves he did. i just can't believe that it was only 2 times. That there were no feelings. That what he wrote was the whole truth. i think he made something up to make me feel better. He is a master storyteller. He can make up stories on the fly and they are really good.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

Oh we are moving. After he told me, he looked for a new job in another state far away and was hired. We are moving a thousand miles away from here in 4 weeks. We will be living 2 hours apart though. So that's going to be really great for the marriage. I'll be living with my parents while he is living with my sister and brother in law 2 hours south. We can's all fit in my sister's apartment. So I am going to have time to really think about being single. I just don't feel as if our marriage can be repaired. But I went back to him because he was familiar, he was all I had.

My mother has been my best friend for years and I can't talk to her anymore. She didn't even recognize me when I went up to visit last month. I can't talk to my father because he cheated on my mom 3 times during their relationship. I can't talk to my sister because she doesn't do well with conflict. What's worse is they all treat my husband as if nothing has happened. I thought they would all hate him or shun him, but nope. I guess our society has numbed all of us to affairs and made it such a normal thing.

Oh, you can read my orriginal threads here since it has been a year since I have posted.
First post here: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=169481&Number=2751544#Post2751544

Second Post here:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=169481&Number=2759857#Post2759857

AtU, I am sorry to hear all of this.

You need to go back and answer the questions people asked you. Those questions are intended to guide you to the help you need to make this better.

Do you have the Marriage Builders app so you can listen to the radio show? The tools are here on this site to make things better, but the training in how to use the tools is on the show.

I exposed it to everyone and yet he didn't tell me the truth. Took him a year to finally come out with it. He said it wasn't because someone else told me, but because he just couldn't keep lying anymore. Because I continued to distrust him and accuse him of having sex with her. Yeah, I don't believe that one bit. He would have kept lying had my friend never told me.

We are moving away. Far far away.

Did he change his phone number? No. or facebook or email. I have his passwords and go on at random to check and he hasn't contacted her. Honestly I believe she has moved on. Actually I know she moved on and on and on and on. She's a whore.

The problem is I am so hurt over this I don't think I can ever get over it. Maybe if he had actually told me the truth in the first place instead of lying for over a year I may have been able to move on. My bucket is so far in the negatives he could never even bring it up to 1.

My problem is I have no friends to turn to to talk to. I am not an independant person. I married him out of high school. He was my second relationship. He is all I know. I have 3 kids with him. They aren't little. They are middle school, high school. With our new living arrangements it would make it much easier on them though if we separated. They could see him every weekend or go down whenever they needed, instead of if I had left from here and he stayed here. Who knows, maybe God has put this move in our lives for a reason. Living apart is not good for our marriage now because of the affair. But he suggested it. He doesn't think it's going to be a problem. Maybe not for him.But it is a huge problem for me. I have to live with my parents now which is a huge stress on me. I have to live away from him after I've found out he had sex with another woman?! I just don't forsee this working out.

The pain though. It is just so overbearing.

Well, do you?