This is my first post here. I have visited the site off and on for awhile, but never posted. I am still quite uneducated about Plan A and Plan B. I have a lot to learn , that's for sure.

The bottom line is, my divorce was final over a month ago, and I am so unhappy about it. Separated for almost two years, and the whole separation was my foolish idea. Was foolishly involved with someone else during the end of my marriage, so I separated. H found out about the A four months after separation , and then all chances of working things out seemed out of the question.

I foolishly hung on to the relationship , the A, that I started during my marriage of over 20 years. I finally ended that horrible liason, after reading here, and coming to some sort of God given awakening. After separation, I could only keep comparing the BF with the H, and I could only see how superior the H was in every way, and how much I loved him. However, it's too late. He(now Ex-H) has been telling me for months now that he needs time, and he still doesn't know if he'll ever want to be with me again. I am heartsick beyond belief. He seems very doubtful, and says this is best for everyone.

Does anyone have any ideas and insight for me? My pastor told me to quit begging the now-ex, and instead to focus on a new life. He said that would be more 'winsome' to the Ex. I am doing that. We have three teenage children, and we recently attended a school event together. (ex and I) We met there. It was just him and me, and it was so wonderful for me. I felt more at peace, just being with him, then I have in years. I don't know how he felt, I didn't want to pressure him at all. He did initiate conversation, and he looked very happy. It was like old times, for me. I've known him for 29 years! (He's a quiet person, and he hasn't
initiated conversation with me in a long, long time)

Does anyone have a success story after an A and a final D? I feel heartsick , that I caused all of this pain and devastation.

Thanks for your input,
Hopeful_Person

Now divorced (one month now), was married 20 1/2 years, 3 children, separated almost 2 years ago

h_p,

I am sorry that there have been no responses thus far on your thread, weekends are very slow here. You can always post over on General QuestionsII, there are more people there.

Let me say this, Welcome to MB!!!! You have come to a wonderful place of support, knowledge and love.

As you wait for responses to your thread, go and read, read everything that you can here at this site, the info is invalueable!!! Perhaps you need to back track some and figure out why it is you allowed yourself to stray from your marriage vows and seek out an OM. I then would suggest you look at how that might have been both of your faults as there was probably something missing from your marriage, my thought at 20+ years is things were probably stagnet. Seems to happen alot between 16-24 years around here if you look at peoples sig lines. Then I would place myself in H shoes and try to understand the hurt and betrayl that he has felt for 2 years.

This is a site for building on marriages, can you re marry your H? Yes, but do you want the same marriage that you had before that allowed you to stray? Probably not!! That is why you must read and learn how to rebuild a new marriage with the man that you love, will probably need lots of prayers too and we here are good with helping in prayer!!!

Again Welcome!!!
Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi HP, your story sound almost though if you were my WW, she did the same exact thing as you did however she had multiple A's after 18 years of marriage toward the end. We've been seperated almost 2 years DV was final May 2002.

Eventhough you're under your Pastors care and he says make a new life, thats true, the old can't be rebuilt, I still think reconciling is not impossible but it can't be forced, it takes two and time. My WW had many OM's through the divorce process even one threaten to kill me and said she belonged to him, she laughed and applauded him after he said this, but of course time has gotten its revenge on her.

If you did something like this to your exh it would be tough to win him back but not impossible, I'm sure he's a wounded man in the heart and his self-esteem, I am and was. Its very painful to watch your wife,lover and friend you deeply love, trusted and known all your life, knowing she's having sex with OM, tell you you're a loser and parade herself in the arms of another man in front of you and to your kids, thats a painful blow, thats a very deep wound.

My exw is still arrogant and unrepented for what she's doing, she still has her BF. I can't ever take her back until she becomes a broken woman and get the Lord back in her life and "Learn" what she did wrong in our marriage and change her ways, otherwise its a waste of time for her to ever say she wants to come back, I'd be scared it she never learned about her mistakes, she'll go do the same thing again. At times I want her back but I'm thinking of the old her, after her affairs she's not the same, she's someone else now but evil, she lost all values and morals as a woman and mother.

Just a inside tip what my wife could provoke my thought that could possibly win me back after what she's done.

1. She would have to learn about herself, her strengths, weaknesses and ethics,etc....
2. The information she learned about a strong marriage, trust, honesty, lying, cheating, if she told me what she learned, it would confirm to me what I've been knowing through all this mess, as the BS i would have to know her problems are not my fault. She would have to stun me with her change.
3. She would have to let me know the BF was horrible and not as she made it to appear, she would have to tell me how much better I was continually than BF, that builds the H's confidence back up in you.
4. She would have to go back and study about me as a man, what makes me tick, what makes me happy, what my emotional needs are, what makes me respond to her, my personality type, she would have to say words that bring healing, no defense on her part, total surrender

Just plan A me secretly.....

Prior to the DV my exw was a good woman, very horrible towards end of marriage. I could over- look 2 years of bad verses 18 years of good if she did the right things, but at the same time I see such a great future without her and I'm really progressing without her mess, that would be something I would think about also, will she take me backwards and do it again?? We were together 21 years, I never knew I carried so many of her burdens and issues until we seperated, I feel happy to be free of that and think wow OM has a truckload to deal with better him than me.

Sometimes I want to get involved with someone after 18 years but then I say I just want to be free for now after all those years of marriage, but I rather be married and have my family than seeking someone new, it still takes the same amount of work if not more.

Most of all I'm happy for you that you come to an understanding of your mistake, I'm sure many here would applaude you and encourage you.

I'm curious though, when you first had the affair and BF did you really think it was going to last and did you any guilt or remorse while you were in the relationship?

Take care

Welcome to MB, HP.

I am sorry for what you are going through. My WW and I will be finalizing our DV within the next week or so. I had never dreamed that I would not have the WW in my life, but have now realized that is reality.

I am not the success story that you are looking for. But I hope that I may be able to give you some insight, should you want it, from a betrayed husband of 14 years.

You mentioned that you initiated the separation. Did you initiate the DV? Or was that the BS who did that? Were you the one who pursued the DV in order to be with OM?

The reason I am asking is this; If so, there will be a hurdle to cross (at least in my case). The A is going to be a major thing to overcome. There could possibly be another thing. Let me explain.

In trying to analyze me, and my situation with the WW, I found in my heart that I could forgive her for the A. I can see it as the WW being torn between ME and OM. That being said, in my heart I sense that as the WW still having feelings for me, or she would not have stayed.

But...the WW initated our separation. She then went running straight to OM. That...I'm not sure if I ever can accept that. She dropped me like a hot potato, and left me to "suffer" alone. Even if the thought of DV could have been stressful to her, at least she had a "shoulder" that she needed and wanted in OM. I took that as a total disregard for me. How could she be so cold after 14 years of marriage? Even 3 days after she walked out, we ran into each other in a public place and she never even acknowledged that I was in the building. The feeling from that was more hurtful to me than the A.

So...what I'm trying to say, is that even before you get to the point of trying to resolve the hurt of your A, you may want to concentrate on your rejecting him by initiating the separation and/or the DV.

In my case, and probably a lot of other BS's, we can somehow accept and forgive the fact of our WS wanting to have "MORE" than us, better than we can accept the WS wanting "NONE" of us. That, I think is the greater damage. Not knowing your entire story, but I bet this is going to be the "door" that you are going to have to get opened, well before you start trying to "fix" the effects of your A.

Just my heartfelt opinion.

Good Luck, and I hope you succeed.

HCII

Thanks Dawn and Everlasting for your replies.

Dawn, for years my ExH had worked horrible weekend and night hours. We never had the same time off. I was basically a stay at home mom or a part time worker, and I got caught up on the internet and that's how it all started, with a person from there. The OM and I had this 'false' closeness that went on to the next step. It truly took on an addictive quality.

Everlasting, Thanks for sharing. I appreciate hearing your point of view, as you've been on the receiving end of this horrible behavior. I will consider your suggestions carefully. I have told my exH how awful this person was, but he isn't at the point to hear anything at all from me. I thank God that he never saw the OM, so he doesn't have that burden to carry. The OM now lives far, far, away---gone forever. Thank the Lord!

Did I feel remorse and guilt? Yes. I never had intimate relations with the OM and the ExH at the same time in my marriage. In other words, the intimacy stopped with my ExH when I had the A, from the get go. ExH didn't press me for intimacy, as he knew our marriage was in trouble. He just didn't know exactly why. I told my ExH many times that I was confused, and quite frankly I thought he knew it was going on and didn't care. I was wrong. I felt like the A was a self-destructive, awful act, and yet I continued in it. I knew it was wrong, and I hated myself for it. It was truly like some sort of sick addiction, in many ways. I see now that the OM was emotionally abusive in many ways, just as my father always has been. My exH was kind and wonderful to me, nothing like my father. Bottom line, guilt, remorse---big time---but still drawn to it. I see it as self-sabotaging myself, and being hurtful to me, as well as, more importantly, to others. I did see it as truly self-destructive, and just plain old destructive.

I have told the Ex that it was all my fault, and that I would spend the rest of my life proving to him how much I loved him. He is happier alone, so he says. We have three great kids who get shuffled around now--I can't see how he doesn't miss them, and the closeness he and I had before this whole mess.

I have gone on and on. Thanks for the input,
Hopeful

hcii,

In regards the WS being torn between OM and BS, I believe it is more like this:

BS (meeting some needs) <-> OM (meeting some needs) + BS (meeting some needs) + Fantasy (scrambled brains)

WS feels whole

There is NO WAY the BS can win. The comparison at this time is not between the OM and the BS.

Given time, and unless the BS is a complete loser, the comparison does become a comparison between BS and OM and then it hits them like a ton of bricks. The BS is clearly better.

By then, it is WAY too late.

hopeful_person,

It will take YEARS before your BS considers getting back on that sick rollercoaster again. You've hurt him in the most horrible way.

My WS XW just married the OM. I wouldn't touch my XW with a 10-foot pole right now.

(I stopped and grinned, she's married now, real men don't mess with married women)

I know that my family would be whole again with her back. (have 6 yo daughter with her) But, I know my XW. Until she "grows up", there's NO WAY I would even consider her back in my life. There are too many opportunites for me with other women right now and all she has shown is that she is a child. I'm not a woman chaser, it's just that my XW has set me free. She's a cheater, she's a liar, she filed for divorce, adios. The only thing I've lost is my "family" and a defective spouse. I have everthing else to gain. I do have primary custody of my daughter. I've worked the schedule out so that it's 50/50 visitation. I have a wonderful relationship with my daughter.

Like EverlastingCompassion said, "I never knew I carried so many of her burdens and issues until we seperated, I feel happy to be free of that and think wow OM has a truckload to deal with better him than me." She is no longer my "burden".

Okay, so now you're alone. Take this time to get your life in order. Avoid getting into relationships at this time. You MUST learn to become generally happy being by yourself. Happiness comes from within. This is not to say that people don't need relationships, it's just that a relationship is no substitute for one's shortcomings.

Now some good news. If you XH is anything like me, he will be elated to have the OM gone forever. He will also be elated if you start a fresh relationship and build it from the ground up. (like I said, do not get into a relationship until you get your life in order) Take a minimum of 6 months. Use this time to learn everything you can about Marriage Builders and I think you will have your life back on course.

Will you ever get back with your XH? Maybe, but one thing is for sure, you need to learn everything you can to maintain a healthy relationship.

Kevin

<small>[ September 22, 2002, 09:32 PM: Message edited by: father of 1, husband of 0 ]</small>

Kevin and HCII,
Thanks for your insight and thoughts. I appreciate it very much!

HCII, the separation was a mutual decision, but he moved out without knowing about the OM. By that point so much had deteriorated, but it was my doing--I know that. He filed for the DV after about 9 months of separation. Before it was final, I asked him if we could wait on it (this was after I ended it with OM). His response was 'No."

We've remained cordial, so to speak, throughout the entire process. He is a completely kind man, considering what I did to him. My attorney said she'd never seen a kinder 'ex' in a proceeding.

Kevin, I will take your words into deep consideration. My plan even before coming to MB was to wait about four years, and then if my Ex still had no interest in me, moving on. I know that no one can compare to him, for me, and so there is no point in even thinking about anyone else. We were a wonderful family together, and I messed it all up.

Thanks for your support,
Hopeful