My H is out of town. I join him soon for the holiday.
Before he left, things were not very pretty. He had a trigger of some sort and other issues were at hand. Needless to say I had some hell to pay again..BUT..that's okay right. Im a WS, I deserve to take as much crap as it takes for him to recover. THATS WHAT I THOUGHT but its not true!!
My friends, Most WS's regret deeply what they have done. They want their marriages back in tact ASAP. They want things back to how they were before. Well that is not going to happen. Once and A has taken place. It will never be the same. The up side is, you can make it better. I notice that lots of WS's here want the marriage to work but they don't want to have to go through the pain that it will take to do so. They do not want to give up their selfish ways, they do but only to an extent.
After DDAY, my friends, my life was pure hell. I could of left a million times because it was that bad. I was out of the home a few weeks. When I moved back in. I was living hell on earth. It was a very ugly and horrible situation. To see the pain I caused my H, too see our lives in the same home so seperate, it was chilling to me. I was determined from DDAY on that I was going to CHANGE my life. I was going to show my H that I was accountable for what I did, and that it was the worst mistake of my life. I was willing to do ANYTHING it took to prove it. I HAVE done everything it has taken to prove for 3 years now. DDAY anniversary coming soon.
I worked my tail off on ME. I read read read. I worked on me emotionally, physically ( running set me free from pain) and I was dedicated to my H. NOTHING and I mean NOTHING came before him. Not any of my friends or family. My H was my number one priority. I did NOTHING with my friends because my time was all for my H. I had no time to be playing around. This was my LAST AND ONLY CHANCE to save our marriage.
My H is a good man. An honest Man. A real MAN. I destoyed him inside with what I did. He turned into this person that was so angry and so ugly that it took all I had in my heart and soul not to run away from him. I didn't run because I knew that he was not himself and it was MY fault. I knew that under those layers of deep pain and hurt, was the love of my life, the man I can't imagine being without. He is not perfect. He has some accountability too in this and has accepted that which Im thankful for. However, he did not have the A. I did!! Therefore..well you know what I mean.
He was very ugly to me. Would not talk to me. If he did, it was nothing nice. He told me not to long ago, that killed him so bad to be that way to me but that he couldn't do it any other way. He was scared to death that if he did, he would be hurt again. I lived in another room in the house the first 6 mos. I never bothered him. I worked on me. I got to the root of my issues that caused me to have this ugly EA. I never whined, I never acted needy, I never begged, nothing. I conducted myself like a lady and worked on me. I cried my eyes out at night alone in my bed and up until last night, I never knew how many times my Husband laid in our bed in the other room and cried his eyes out too.
My husband was sure I would fail. Sure I would never change, certain I was just doing it for show to win him back...but as the months dragged on, and they DRAGGED ON, he saw that I was for real. He saw the girl he fell so in love with come back to life. During the A, I was so lost, so dead, so out of reach to him. He tried to help me and I was so far gone. He had no idea I was deep in an EA. When he found out, it was a good thing. I felt free of the bad thing I was doing and was not strong enough to get out of. He basically saved my life. I looked like death warmed over during that period of my life. Today I stand tall and confident and happy that Im the person I am. Im a good person. I made a mistake but Im a good person.
He took me back because he knew what I had done was so out of character but that didn't mean he was taking me back so easy. Im glad he made it hard on me. Im thankful he was so rough with me, it forced me to take a hard look at what I had done and get if fixed the right way. I recall one time he caught me crying in my room and he came in and hugged me which was not normal during early recovery and he said "If you think you are doomed or we are doomed, then we will be". That was my hint from him to keep going and not stop and not give up.
I never failed to tell him I love you everyday. I never heard for a long long time. Then he told me that each time from DDAY on that I said it to him, he in his mind, would say it to me but he couldn't get the words out.
Lately, Ive been so upset because I work so hard and my pattern of behavior and changes has been TOTALLY consistant for 3 years, yet, I was still dealing with his anger and outbreaks of throwing the A in my face whenever he was upset or something triggered him. The last one was not pretty before he left.
Last night I finally let it all out in phone call we had. I took a risk and told him all that I feel. How it brings me so down when we have these episodes and that Im doing all I can possibly do to make this up to him and us. I told him I would NEVER quit trying and that if it took me 300 years to prove it I would but that I would really like for us to please not have these episodes where this EA comes up and it gets ugly. I told him that his unresolved anger, what little is left, is still hurting us. Hurting our recovery and that its so sad to me. I don't know how to help him anymore. Ive tried and tried.
Something he rarely does..He broke out in tears and said he knew it. I was right. He said he has been causing me to walk on eggshells, never knowing when he will get angry at me for something and that after 3 years of hard work and dedication to us, I deserve better than that. He said he was scared, still a bit scared and I validated that for him but told him that Im not the same person that has the EA. He agreed and said that he has never been more proud of me and that feels rotten when he gets that way. He promised to work on it. He would like to go to counseling to work on his anger. That is a BIG step for Zachary. I thanked him. He asked me to make an appt for him which is not till after the 1st due to holidays and stuff but that is fine. I made the appointment this morning.
There is a great counselor here that can help him. Alot of this anger comes from some other stuff ( old family stuff) but I take the brunt of it when it comes out.
He said he know that there are alot of WS's that don't do 1/4 of what I have done and he is so thankful yet so scared. He is with family and friends right now until I meet up with him and he said he looks around at everyone and he realizes just what a gem he really has...ME...A GEM...I couldn't believe he said that.
I assured him that my life is so much better today thanks to him saving me and giving me another chance and making me do the work I needed to do on me. He thanked me for not quitting on him at times when he said I should of walked away.
I told him he is STUCK WITH ME and he responded that's all I want "Zoey, I want to be stuck with you the rest of my life".
So my point is. RECOVERY IS HARD. If you are a WS and you want to save your marriage. Please let go of any selfish thoughts and do whatever it takes to make it work. You cannot LB, you cannot be inconsistant, you MUST and I repeat MUST do things that you never thought you could do before. This is your marriage, your life partner, you betrayed them, YOU ruined the trust, its up to YOU to regain and rebuild the trust. Regardless how bad you think your BS is, they didn't cheat on you, they were in the same bad marriage but didn't cheat. Yes, they have things to work on and be accountable for too but YOU, WS, CHEATED. If you want your marriage to work. DROP your selfish ways, CHANGE, READ, COUNSELING, WORK ON YOU, VALIDATE YOUR BS's feelings. They are shattered beyond words. Don't think your words mean anything to them. They don't. Why should your BS believe you. The same things you told them, you told your OP..Instead...DO not SAY. ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!!!! and while you are at it, drop the PRIDE crap too. Self pride can be destructive if used wrong. Its okay to have pride in yourself as a good person but when you have too much pride that you don't want to be belittled, that will hurt you. If your BS needs to scream at you sometimes, LET THEM, just don't let that become a habit. There will be a few times that they need to scream and cry. Let them. If you can, hug them, if they don't want you to touch them, you sit there and say NOTHING. You don't walk out...EVER. Frankly YOU should be trying to win back your spouse but Mb's plan does work. Find what works for your and do it. You are lucky to be back with your spouse. They could of thrown you out on your butt but didn't. That my fellow WS's is what FOR BETTER FOR WORSE stands for, thank your lucky stars your spouse took their vows to heart unlike we did for a moment in time when our brains left our bodies.
BS's: Your WS made the worst mistake of their lives. As much pain as you feel, they do also and on top of that the probably feel shame, digust, loss of self respect and dignity and a host of other feelings. If your WS is truly trying to work on this, truly changing, being consistant and true to you, then PLEASE give them a chance to change, give them a chance to SHOW YOU, as much as the triggers kill you and the anger eats at your heart and soul, PLEASE try to give them a chance to show you. If you feel a trigger or some anger, TALK to them, don't lash out. I know that is easier said than done but NOTHING good will come out of those attacks. There are times when you must scream and cry, we know this, and you can do it, so long as this does not become a habit because then it will do more harm then good. BS's you too have to have some accountability here, find it, fix it and be strong. I commend you for NOT going elsewhere. The fact that you didn't says alot about you :-)
I hope I helped someone today.
I don't care how tough Recovery is For me. I will NEVER QUIT. I will never quit on Zachary or myself.
Thanks for listening
Zoey
<small>[ December 19, 2002, 12:41 PM: Message edited by: Zoey ]</small>
