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#1326504 - 12/20/99 12:44 AM Plan B - 101
NSR Offline
Member

Registered: 09/27/99
Posts: 5406
I've decided to write about some of the basics of Plan B...
You may think this odd… but I have am still in Plan A… but have had a few sessions with Steve Harley about the movement from Plan A to Plan B. Comments here include my discussions with Steve Harley.
Many people have been posting on Plan A & Plan B... and I said I'd get back to them on my take on Plan B.

I welcome as many comments on other points of view... I am not the expert... you've got to go the Harley's for that!

First a few quotes from the book...

quote:
(#3.) The (betrayed) spouse needs to know that he/she had done his/her best to save their marriage. (page 76 of "Surviving An Affair"(SAA))
…and…
quote:
(#4.) If the (betrayed) spouse follows the plans (A & B), and they(the plans) fail, the (betrayed) spouse would no longer have any feelings of love for the wayward spouse. (page 76 of SAA)

To this end... one needs to note a few important aspects of Plan B...

  1. Both Plan A and Plan B are a cohesive step of steps that lead down a very narrow path of marital recovery… They must work together if Plan A does not work by itself.
  2. You start Plan B only after some time in Plan A... a normal amount of time in Plan A could/should be about 6 months... but can be as little a nothing to much more than 6 months.
  3. Plan B can only be as effective as Plan A was in setting up a foundation for the establishing a "safe" environment for the wayward spouse to return!
  4. That environment must also be "non-threatening", yet "changing" where the wayward can clearly see that there are improvements made in the betrayed's ability to meet the waywards emotional needs.
  5. Continuing in Plan A is recommended until the wayward ultimately show signs of complete rejection of accepting there have been improvements by the betrayed… and/or the betrayed's feelings turn to one of overt anger… and resentment!
  6. Plan B should be put off as long as possible and builds off the benefits derived from Plan A!
  7. Damaging a good track record of Plan A can be done in as little as one day of Love Busting and what the betrayed remembers is the most recent actions before Plan B!
  8. Plan B has to have a seamless transition from Plan A, because once the betrayed is in Plan B there is no more laying down a foundation!
  9. Plan B also should have a time limit... 6 months?... 12 months?... 18 months?... ? years?... it varies. Since most affairs, that do come to an end, normally last about 2 years(more or less)... the duration of Plan B does vary!
  10. Plan B should start off with a Plan B letter... see in SAA...pages 80-81! (Notes to MB Forum members later..)
  11. This letter is not a Love Busting letter... but quite the opposite! It is to make clear that love still does exist... but the loving relationship that was to be cultivated in Plan A... will not go on as normal...
  12. Plan B: Avoid (all) contact with the wayward spouse until the affair has ended. (page 79 of SAA)
  13. Plan B is not meant to punish the wayward spouse! But to protect the betrayed... to protect the betrayed spouse's Love Bank for the wayward... so it is not drained below any recoverable state.
  14. A consequence of this 'no contact' is that it will then put the burden of satisfying ALL(or most) of the wayward's Emotional Needs on the OP! A very hard thing to do, in most situations...
  15. During the time of Plan B the wayward is to "build" oneself... to work on themselves... to prepare oneself to live without the wayward spouse... and develop tools for good healthy relationships! That includes no Love Busting... since that is an unhealthy action in relationships.
  16. With children in the picture Plan B, in the full sense of "no contact", is sometimes impossible. Everything possible needs to be done so the children will know they are not being abandoned... contact with them must not be stopped or hindered in any way! Just contact with the spouse. Logistics here are difficult... but should be thought through carefully and creatively.
  17. Variations on Plan B are discouraged by the Harley's... those variations tend to weaken the impact intended in Plan B.
  18. Again... if Plan B fails... the (betrayed) spouse would no longer have any feelings of love for the wayward spouse and that would allow a less painful subsequent divorce and would permit the pursuit of a new... much healthier relationship.

For the moment... I have seen several good examples of Plan B letters.. and I list them here...
Sample Plan B letter (see Chris' reply)
Sample Plan B letter (from PLEASE HELP)
Sample Plan B letter (from Rutger)
NSR's draft Plan B letter(under construction)
(if anyone else would volunteer their letter... please reply)

I understand there is a great fear in all of Plan B...
What happens if Plan B fails?... It can and does happen...
{Distressed}... had just such a post... view it... Is it time to file?!

In my normal welcome wagon message I do state... "There is never any guarantee to save all marriages..."... we must be realistic to recognize this. Try as much as we like... we cannot force our waywards to change their minds... we and they are, after all, given free will...

Yes, Plan B... is a big step... make sure you understand what you are choosing... seek guidance from the Harley's if you're not sure!!!

If you accept Plan B... seek also the support and fellowship of the people on the Forum... you'll need it!

I have written a post for Plan A at Plan A - 101. My experiences of Plan A and Plan B, and other's here at the forum, are meant to enlighten… not be treated as a replacement for formal counseling.


Jim
---------------------------------
Where two or more are gathered...

[This message has been edited by NSR (edited December 29, 1999).]


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#1326505 - 12/20/99 11:59 PM Re: Plan B - 101
WilliamJ Offline
Member

Registered: 11/06/99
Posts: 2347
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