Okay guys, I need your help! Here is my story, I am truly one very confused man right now!
On Friday of last week, my wife of nearly 15 years, and the mother of my 3 children, left after having told me that she didn't love me anymore and didn't want to be married. She also informed me that she "cared deeply" for another man whom we had both met just 2 weeks prior. In fact, she revealed that the two of them had met out of town, overnight, on the previous Sunday, while I thought she was traveling for her job as a hospice nurse. To further complicate matters, the man in question not only works for her same company, but holds the title of chaplain within the organization.
The 3 of us met at a bereavement camp that their employer sponsored where we all volunteered. Two days later, he contacted her by phone under the pretense of wanting my resume for his church which was in need of a music minister (which I do now in my own church). This man is not a pastor, but is a licensed, ordained minister employed as a chaplain.
I believe that this man is a predator. He new that once he got my wife talking about me he could sense any negativity expressed and capitalize on it! Within a mere 2 weeks, he lured her away to "get to know" one another better "as friends." She did leave, but claims no intimacy occured. I don't believe her, nor do I think it matters. The intent and deception was there regardless.
Now to the question you have to be asking, why would this man's wife be seeking such attention? What was wrong in her marriage? I can truly say that I wasn't aware of ANYTHING! Our life was great, and we were truly blessed. I had no idea she was unhappy. I have treated her like a princess. She does nothing around our house, she allows me to handle most of the parenting chores, she literally just had her job during the day, and a loving home at night. I constantly tell her how much I love her and how proud I am of her and her calling as a hospice nurse. We were very intimate, in fact, more so the week (and night) before her rendezvous than ever! I'm just baffled!
In its wake, this situation has left 3 very confused and angry children who don't know what to do. The baby (2 years old) is a foster child that we were in the process of adopting. Now, I don't know what to even do about that. I love her immensely, but know it will very difficult to raise her alone.
Our family is very religious, attending church numerous times each week, but now my wife is also abandoning the beliefs we've taught our children. She was well respected and looked up to by many of our youth. She is throwing all of this away for reasons no one, including her family and friends, understand. She has simply told them that I am a great father but a terrible husband. They all know better, but she is unable to provide any specifics. She was also unable to tell me what this man provided her that I hadn't or what made be a bad husband.
I realize how comforting a phone relationship can be. I know that as my wife traveled throughout our state, she surely got lonely and felt comfort in someone's voice. I just don't understand why she never talked to me. We talked daily several times while she was gone for work, but she never attempted to really communicate anything to me that was bothering her.
My question is, how do I proceed. I spent the entire weekend trying to reason with her and decipher what is happening. We argued, we talked, we went through all possible emotions both by phone and in person. Now, I'm thinking I should just leave her alone for awhile and let her reason this out for herself. I've told her how I feel and that I would be willing to work through this over time. She has left before (10 yrs ago), so I am guarded as to breaking this cycle that seems to be developing. What should I do???

First thing I would do would be to contact the organization that has hired this man as a chaplain and open their eyes to the fact he may be a predator. Did they really research his background? Also, ask for counsel from a higher clergy member in your church. You may need their support later with your children. Don't feel ashamed over the stigma that your spouse may be fooling around. It is not your fault and it should not be considered a slap to your pride. Your wife has the issues ...NOT YOU.

They might only be in an emotional relationship right now but that may just be the fog that wandering spouses fall under. I've been there first hand. It is hard to believe that your loving spouse whom you thought you knew EVERYTHING about, could lie to your face. Look you straight in the eye and tell you nothing is going-on. They just do it. All reason goes out the window in their attempt to keep the fantasy life and the euphoria they feel from the "in love" sensation that is only a fog screen.

Dr Harley's book, Surviving an Affair, is an eye opener and will answer your questions as well as the many articles here on this site. Also, this forum has members who will give you the mental support you need to get thru this crisis.
Best wishes and stay strong!

You have to move quickly!

1. Protect the marital assets for you and the children. Close all joint credit cards, loans, lines of credit, and bank accounts. She's leaving the marriage so she can leave behind the marital assets. Get her name off everything you can before she cleans you out.

2. Change the passwords on everything - 401k, health insurance, online banking, and anything else. Again, protect your marital assets against being cleaned out. Change the locks on the house and the cars as well.

3. Expose her affair to everyone who can make a difference! Her family, close friends, and her employer for a start. Out this so-called minister to his employer. If you can find out where he received his accreditation from, expose to them as well. If this other man (OM) has a wife or family, let them know as well.

4. Start reading the material on this site. Get yourself a copy of 'Surviving an Affair' - either through this site or maybe at your local bookstore chain.

5. Contact a lawyer and find out what your options are. Do you live in a state that has alienation of affection laws on the books? Can you file an emergency custody order on the grounds of abandonment? Since she left, it is time to consolidate into a position of strength...she may come back and start making demands.

6. Recommend you re-post (or get your post moved) to general questions II. The folks who frequent that board deal more with infidelity issues.

Good luck and keep posting!

Thanks for the advice guys. Can a moderator please move this to the appropriate forum?

As to some of your concerns:

She knows none of the passwords for anything. In fact, she hasn't paid even one bill in our 15 years of marriage! She really doesn't even know how much money either of us makes, as both checks were direct deposited and I've handled all of the money. She had a debit card which she has been free to use as needed. However, I did open an individual account today and move the funds over from our old joint account.

Concerning the "chaplain," I have not contacted his employer for fear of my wife being caught in the crossfire. However, my pastor, whom I have cinfided in, did contact the president of her company today and inform him of what kind of PR nightmare he had working for him...a true predator!

I have been hesitant to talk to many people about this for fear of ruining her reputation even more, in the hopes she would see the light. I know that exposing her to everyone will only raise her level of anger with me and prolong her wanting to come home (not that I'm sure I will allow it).

I guess the bottom line is that, at this time, I just feel totally helpless. I'm not sure I want her back, although I know our children need her. What I want right now is for her to desire to come home. That way it becomes my decision as to whether we reconcile. I know that sounds wrong, but I know she can't work on her own issues until she loses this OM and seeks acceptance again from me. Depending on her level of repentance to God and contrition to me, then I can better decide what's best for me and the kids.
Again, thanks!

There's a good article on the main site, called "Why women leave". Also, I remember hearing once that affairs happen not because a spouse is overwhelmed by the family unit and its pressures, but because the spouse isn't engaged enough. I think it's partly true. By treating her like a princess, you probably weren't allowing her to be a partner in your marriage. Just a guess.

One of the first steps in handling an affair is to expose it to the light of day. People at church and her boss need to know. With the exception of the celebrity culture, most of society puts a lot of pressure on the affair couple to break it off. Divorces are messy for family and friends, and affairs are worse.

It's also a good idea to protect the assets. You don't want her cleaning out your bank account and then you have to wonder where the baby's next pair of shoes is coming from.

It's hard on the kids, but reassure them that both you and mommy love them. Also, keep as much to the established routine as possible. Kids feel safe when the world is predictable.

Good luck with this.

Thanks, I did read the article you mentioned. I agree that in many ways I was "too good" to her. Making her feel less a part in many ways; but, my motives were truly just to take care of her and allow her to focus her efforts on her stressful job and not the burdens of life outside of that. Boy, was that a mistake!
The other problem is that the OM lives 4 hours away, so there's not much I can do to expose him. I did email his pastor from their church website and inform him of this, but I don't know what else I can do to pressure him.
BTW, his wife of nearly 15 years just left him several months ago (what a coincidence). I'm not sure why she left, but I'm sure that in some ways he is excusing himself from any wrong doing because he just went through this himself. You would think a "chaplain" would realize the hurt he himself had felt and not want to see others experience it, but I guess we are all selfish when it comes right down to it!

moved from Emotional Needs at the request of the thread originator

I'm not a big believer in coincidences. I suggest contacting his W and "comparing notes". You may find out that the reason for her leaving him might be your WW. At the very least, it might help tp make his separation and possible D quite a bit more uncomfortable for him.

Abandoned,

You said
Ok, you are just dead wrong about this, but that is because you don't understand the purpose of exposure. She will be angry because you are going to try and take her toy away from her, and like any child she will scream. The point of exposure is to solicit help in saving your marriage. You contact her parents and let them know what is going on and ask for their help and guidance. You contact your parents and seek help. You contact her friends and your friends and do the same. ANYONE that can help you put the light of day on this affair is will be of help.

You most certainly contact his employer and perhaps hers as well.


You are right she cannot work on her issues with OM in the picture. You are not powerless, nor helpless. Exposure is part of what you do. Secure your finances and protect the children is the next thing you do. You do a lot of reading here and learn the concepts. I would encourage you to speak with one of the Harley's about how to handle things.

I would not act immediately but I suspect your foster child's issue and the adoption need to be considered. Not now, but probably sooner than you realize because this poor child will be in the middle of a huge mess for awhile.

Abandoned, give this time, start reading here, and start to develop a plan. Use plan A and plan B as part of your plan. Learn about love busters, learn about meeting needs, and learn about the various policies of radical honesty and joint agreement.

You have a lot to do. Work on your side of things, and do the exposure. The idea is put this affair squarely in the full sunlight. Affairs do not flourish in these situations.

You get much more advice as this goes along, but the tools here do work if applied properly and in a timely fashion.

God Bless,

JL

Thank You All! Thus far, I do know that their employer has been informed about this. I was not responsible, but thank God that it happened. I personally spoke to the OM's pastor, whom in turn spoke to him and condemned what he is doing. All of my wife's family and friends are aware of the situation and are dead against her, although her family will not directly tell her so for fear of alienating her. My only issue has been exposing him more. You see, he lives 4 hours away from us, so I don't know how to shed light on his actions to anyone other than his church and employer. As to his ex, he actually hed her call my wife on Sunday to offer her friendship and understanding, as my wife really has no friends left at the moment, they all think she's crazy! I can see through this to know that he is merely offering my wife an ally who actually did leave him and will make it sound okay! This OM truly has very little to lose when exposed, while my wife is behaving like a teenager in the midst of some puppy love and has given up more than I can possibly list, and more than she even realizes.
I am torn. I want their relationship to end, and I want her to desire reconciliation with her family. However, I don't want that to just be because she is alone and feeling helpless.
What should be the next step for me? How much visitation should I allow her? How else can I expose this predator whom she is seeing (by phone)? And, am I better off not trying to talk to her about how wrong what she is doing is? Is this pushing her away more out of spite?

After exposure, Plan A is your first step. Read all you can about it. Basically, you meet her ENs, eliminate love busters, make your home a pleasant place to be, and improve yourself to be a man any woman would want. These changes are permanent, it's not for show.

Plan A also involves exposing the A and not apologizing for it. This may help:

______________________________________________________________

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


_________________________________________________________________

What are Plan A and Plan B

You should read this article and most of the other topics on this site.

Again, thanks. I have indeed read the articles and have done just what was advised. I have remained calm with her and been very emotional about what both I and God think is best. I have let her know that I am here to talk to her about anything, not just the kids. I have maintained my normal routine and insured the stability of my children. She knows what's waiting for her here. I think she subconciously knows that she can always come home. Someone else has given me the advise to remove this option to her. Make her think that, at this point, I wouldn't take her back regardless. I am trying to point out her sin in a loving way without begging for reconciliation.
She left so abruptly that she really had no place to go. Her family all refused to take her in for various reasons, including disagreement with her decision. She has been living with her boss, isolated from everyone...except, the OM whom she is constantly talking with by phone (he is still 4 hours away). She's acting like a teenager with no obligations or responsibilities! I'm really confused right now as to how to help someone that refuses to see the lunacy in all of this. Keep the good advice coming! Thanks!

Should I attempt to contact the OM again? Calmly, of course, but also honestly as to the mess he is creating, without fear of losing anything himself.

abandoned

A WS is a strange creature. They look like your S, but they aren't your S. Some people have said that an alien ship had come down and replaced their S with an alien look-alike...and that about sums it up. It's hard to understand when you've never seen anything but a person of good character and integrity. It's unimaginable. But they've named this phenomenon here and they call it "the fog".

The fog has engulfed your WW. She now thinks foggy and the more you try to talk some sense to her, the further she is sucked back in. A's can survive in this fog because A's are fantasy. But reality cannot exist there. As a foggy WW, she justifies her actions and behaviors by rewriting M history, blaming you for all that is wrong with the world, giving herself permission to be entitled to whatever makes her happy. She lies to herself so she can stay there. It's fantasy, it feels good and she's probably addicted to the feeling.

So what gets through the fog?

Reality.
Consequences of her actions, don't protect her from them.
Exposure of the A to the light of day.
Your consistent behavior that acts like a beacon showing her the way home...that's plan A.

First you need to decide if you want your M. If yes, then at this time you are showing her that you still want to recover the M. After this time (plan A), and there should be a set period of time, you switch gears a bit. You explain, with a letter, that you want your M, but it is too painful to watch the daily drama. Then you go dark and stop communications with her. This is Plan B. Don't get ahead of yourself. If you want the M, you should follow the process. Right now she needs to know that there IS hope of recovery, that she can come home. Later on, after a good plan A, you can show her you are moving on with or without her.

One step at a time and in the right order.

Contacting an OP may help or may do nothing. He's met you so he can already put a name to the face. But by contacting him and telling him that you want him to stop contacting your wife and that you love your wife and want your family to remain intact, I'd say do it. Your WW may be telling him lies about your M. I don't recommend any threats or any nasty comments. They will be used against you. Expect your WW to find out soon after and to be irate. But if you remain calm with OM and state truths, you can stand your ground with your WW and not apologize for fighting for your M.

Just don't expect good feelings from OM. He will probably say things that could hurt you. Let it roll off your back.

Main goal= remain calm

Sorry you are here, but you've found the right place.

You need to read everything on this site about infidelity, paying particular attention to Plan A and Plan B.

It sounds like you are still in a place where Plan A can be effective, although it is more difficult with her moved out.

You need to identify and correct your problems within the marriage. You need to become the best H you can be, the H you should have been, and you need to SHOW her (not TELL her) this to the best of your ability every chance you get. You should look over the Emotional Needs and try to figure out where you were lacking.

You also need to attack this affair. It sounds like exposure could be a very powerful tool in your situation, given this man's position within a church. I would stongly suggest exposing to your WW and OM's employer. Is he married? If so, you need to tell his wife quickly. Exposure is going to make your WW very angry, expect this. Your marriage can survive her anger. It can't survive her affair. The purpose of exposure is to bring the light of reality into the fantasy world they have created. If you are correct and this man is a predator with a history of such activity, he is not going to be very attached to your WW and will likely ditch her as the heat gets turned up.

Other targets for exposure would be her family, and any friends that you feel might be helpful in encouraging your WW to end the A.

So, begin fixing yourself, and begin doing whatever you can to end the A. Your goal is to end all contact between her and OM forever. This could well mean she has to quit her job, they may in fact fire her. These are consequences of HER actions, although she will blame you for causing it.

Read the material, ask questions. These plans are often counter intuitive so it is imperative that you really understand the psychology of affairs and stop REACTING to your WW based on emotions, and start ACTING from a plan designed to improve your situation.

Read, and ask questions. Your situation is not at all unique, many have walked in your shoes before you. There is a way out of this.

Not yet .... perhaps later.

here's how the conversation would go right now:

YOU: "Mr Snake, you are treading on my marriage."

SNAKE: "Yessssssssssssssssss I ammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm"

YOU: "I am asking you to stop being a snake Mr Snake."

SNAKE: "I am what I am, I am a snake not a bunny rabbit."

YOU: "But, Mr Snake, you are breaking our hearts!"

SNAKE: "Yesssssssssssssssss I ammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. It's what snakes do."

ONLY supervised visitation.
Change the locks on all the doors.
Change the code on the garage door opener if there is garage to house access.

The schools/daycare need to be part of your exposure (in a sense).
Inform the schools IN WRITING and verbally;

"My wife has abandoned the family. I am concerned she may attempt to remove the children from me without permission. Here is my cell phone #. If WW comes to take the children out of school/daycare when I am not present, call my cell # immediately, also call the police."


YOU - get an attorney to file temporary orders for custody based on abandonment. HUGE wake up and smell the consequences actions are in order. All the while, you treat WW with respect and without any verbal love busters.

Remember - you are fighting for and protecting your FAMILY. WW's feelings are not the issue. She's entitled to feel how she feels, she is NOT entitled to having you remain silent and/or paralized with fear of hurting her feelings. let her be mad. So what?

MOST IMPORTANT !
Start a daily journal.
Jot down trips to school.
Cooking meals.
Trips to appointments.
ANYTHING that you perform as a Father - WRITE IT DOWN and DATE it!

Do NOT write down thoughts/feelings about WW's actions.

Keep this as evidence should you ever go to court for custody !!!!!

Pep

You have to stop protecting your WW from her own actions.

How will she ever be held accountable for what she's doing..if you don't hold her accountable for it?

Don't play games...as you mentioned someone advised you to give her "the impression" that she can't come home.

This type of advice will lead you down a very slippery slope...it's manipulating..and nothing more that emotional blackmail...which will do NOTHING for you.

Really dig into these concepts of Plan A and Plan B.

Stop holding the OM accountable for your WW's actions...she's making these choices.

Take no action until you come here first to bounce it off some folks... this is a very emotional ride..and we often do a lot and say alot that won't have the desired outcome.

hang in there...I'm sorry you are here...but you have to be pulled into reality before this blows up in your face. I hope Bob Pure comes along soon...because I think he personally can help you a great deal.