I need help. I'm just getting out of a very short (2 month) affair. My spouse does not know this. We have been having marital problems, but are now on the right road to heal our marriage. I have never done anything like this before (infidelity) and will never, ever, do anything like it again. Should I tell my spouse of the short-lived and now dead affair, or do I just let it lie?

[b][/b]

Yes you should tell your BS as well as the AP's spouse.

Yes

Your recovery is CONTINGENT upon your honesty. You can't recover a marriage that is based on lies and deceit.

Your H will eventually find out anyway, and the longer you wait, the greater the trauma against the marriage, because of the added deceit.

Is this a trick question?

Any advice on the best way to tell my spouse?

yes tell
do not EVER say you will NEVER do it again- that is not true
do not say it was because you were having marital problems- not true

this was a selfish CHOICE on your part
you chose this "short-lived" affair-

Please two-months- my husbands affair was MAYBE one month- it still hurts like H3ll. DO NOT DISCOUNT THE LENGTH OF THE AFFAIR- you did it- and it will hurt everyone

be prepared for a long road of recovery
if you choose to not tell your spouse- you will NEVER have an open and honest relationship- you may find yourself on this slippery slop again- "Oh my spouse made me mad today, I did it once and they never knew- I can do it again"

it will hurt, there will be tears, pain, and heartache- but you need to tell- you owe it to your spouse, yourself and your marriage.

havingfaith

Just be prepared to be brutally honest no matter how hard it is. Don't give into the temptation to withhold details or whitewash it. If you do that, he will sense you are withholding and when he drags it out eventually, you will go back to Day 1 of recovery. Better to vomit it all out at once in one fell swoop.

Did you end contact with the OM?

Thank you for your harshness, I need it.

bb,
It is his/her right to know how you have not protected your marriage.
Take the consequences of your actions.
Confessing will be better than your spouse eventually finding out on their own.
Good luck.

Yes. Please do. I had an affair and revealed it to my H 4 months later -- after coming here for help. It was and has been the hardest thing I've ever done. My life and my marriage are changed forever. But, it had to be done in order for me to live with myself and I owed it to my H. The lies and guilt had turned me into someone people didn't know any more, including me. I had be to free of the lies (the guilt still remains) and be able to commit 100% to my marriage from a place of honesty.

If you have a couple of hours, you can read my journey through the link in my signature line. I started here just as you -- should I tell now that things are improving? The people here will smack you around but they will also help you. Heed their advice, post here for guidence, and know that you must tell.

I'll share with you some quotes I got early on that struck me and have stayed with me because they are true:

ForeverHers - "It is your husband who "has the choice." You already chose."

bigkahuna - "That really isn't your decision to make - it is your husbands... No dear. You do not get to make that choice. Your fear is talking. Time to stand up to the plate."

Pepperband - "Want to feel better about yourself? Become honest again, your self esteem will rise."

Telling is the right thing to do. You can and you should do it. Now.

Good luck, bbb.

You will all laugh at this, but being honest is how I am. I even told DH that I was feeling very weak in the marriage, afraid that I would fall into an affair--even told DH with whom. I guess Dh didn't take me seriously (as has been a problem in our marriage). He likes to pretend there are no problems....but we are working on that.

Yes, I do have contact with OM. I am re-arranging my schedule so that I won't see him anymore.

I guess you didn't do much to stop it either, did you? It is not your H's fault you had an affair. That was 100% your choice.

You can't claim to be honest when you are lying to your husband. Being honest is NOT how you are. It is not honest to say so.


It will be important that you even move if necessary to end contact. What can't happen is that you WORK WITH or live close by the OM. That will make recovery impossible and will make your H's live an absolute living hell. So, if you work at the same company, that has to change.

When you tell your H, do not quote this fantasy line. H will not appreciate the humour that you seem to see in it.

Like you are pretending there is no adultery? Do you not see the irony in that statement?

bbb, there might have been problems in the marriage, but there was nothing as damaging as your adultery. You have done a terrible thing to your husband that will take years from which to recover. This is as psychologically traumatic as rape or the death of a child.

I don't sense that you understand the gravity of what you have done to him.

Also, prepare yourself mentally/emoitionally that your M may be OVER. He may never let it go and want to walk right away. The fact you joked about it beforehand may make the resentment even more unbearable. I wish you luck..DUDE

You're all correct. I don't sense the gravity of the situation, but I WANT to. And you guys are helping with that. Keep it coming!

Dude007,

I didn't joke about it. I asked him for help. Told him exactly where I was, and begged him to help me.

As crazy as it sounds to you right now, there is a 71% chance your M is OVER. What you took so lightly will not be taken that way by him I assure you. Is he the main wage earner? Is it in his financial interest as well as emotional interest to leave you? I would prepare yourself as best you can that you have litterally slaughtered your M. You have a 29% chance to save it now.

And please please please please tell him EVERYTHING the first time. This site is littered with betrayed spouses who have testified that while learning of the affair was horrible, the learning of new details and new truths down the line is like "death by a 1000 cuts". I have seen this myself. I told my H all the dirty details about last spring's PA, but told 1 lie because I knew it would cut him to the bone. He ended up uncovering it himself 4 days later and to this day, he tells me that hurt him more than my original confession.

If you're like me, you'll know there is nothing worse than telling your H the disgusting and hurtful details of how you betrayed him with another. But there is. Lying about the betrayal. And that includes lying by ommission. They always find out and it returns them back to that first moment when they learned you broke their trust.

It was described in a book I read as carrying a bowling ball up a flight of stairs. You slowly and lathargically go up the stairs with the weight of the ball making it hard. And everytime you lie or a lie is uncovered, it's as if the ball has been dropped and has rolled and crashed back to the bottom of the stairs. If you have to keep returning to the bottom and starting over again up the flight with this ball, pretty soon you're going to tire, put the ball down, and give up. The lies are the bowling ball. Get to the top of the stairs the first time so you can put the ball down and move on.

Don't give up, bbb. Do this and do it right. I promise for as bad as it is, it is right for your H, for you, and for your M.