I feel like everytime I think it can't possibly get any worse.. It does.

What's that saying? If something can go wrong, then it will?

I found out that my WH has COMPLETELY lost all faith in God. And that he has turned to drugs.

I feel like I don't know him.

The thought of what he is going to do is terrifying.

I am trying so hard to keep my faith in God and in our marriage. I'm scared that my H is drifting further and further away from his faith, almost to the point of no return.

I would like ANY prayers and insight on how to guide him back to God. There is nothing selfish in this. Regardless of whether we stay married or not, I want him to have peace with God. For himself. For our kids.

Unfortunately, it is not yours to make happen.

His relationship with his higher power lies entirely with him.

It does not rest with you.

You are going to have to step back and leave it with him.

Don't allow his choices to come between you and YOUR higher power. Live your own life and live it well. That is the best thing that you can do for you and your kids.

JMHO
committed

That being said, he knows that I have a ZERO tolerance for drugs.

I grew up in a VERY unstable home, where drugs and alcohol and abuse ran rampantly..

But I feel like kicking him out for his choice will only be signing my divorce papers.

I vowed before our God to stand by my husband, for better or for worse.. So by turning my back on my H, aren't I turning my back in my faith?

KDew,

I'm probably the last one to say this, but no you aren't turning your back on your faith in G-d. I believe you are doing just the opposite. You are trusting G-d to take care of your husband and have it work out.

PLEASE understand when I say I KNOW how hard this is. But you can't fix your H, you can only take care of yourself while your H's job is to find his way back to G-d himself.

I am going through the same thing and I completely EMPATHIZE and understand how HARD this ACTION is, but it's the only way to allow G-d to work in his life.

There is a part in AA that says there comes a point when no humanly power can prevent someone from drinking or using or being in an affair. That power has to come from something higher.

I'm so sorry you are hurting. But you can get through this if YOU don't turn your back on your faith and allow G-d to work in your life. I promise you he is hurting more for your H than you could ever.

What kind of drugs is he using? Does he have them in the house or in your car(s)?

If you kick your husband out due to his drug use, you are not going back on your promise to God to stand by your husband. If your husband has been using drugs, he has already left you.

Anything that serious breaks the marriage vows. You cannot possibly stand by someone who has already left you.

If I read your signature block correctly, you have small children. What message about drugs are you giving your children if you let their father stay while he’s using drugs? You are telling your children that it’s ok for them to do the same thing.

There are a few things that justify ending a marriage… unending infidelity, abuse and drug use.

Do you realize that if he has drugs in the house, or if he is using them when the kids are with him… you can be arrested and convicted for drug possession as well? You can lose your children over this too.

Sometimes loves has to be tough.

I have had to kick two of my children out of my house because of their drug use. They are my step children. They learned it from their mother. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. But we could not allow them to jeopardize our entire household and my son by their choice to do drugs. If you let a drug user stay in your home, even your husband, you are only making it easier for your children to do drugs. You become part of the problem.

No, by turning your back on your husband, you are showing him that your words mean something. You are showing him there are boundaries in your marriage. You are protecting your kids from dysfunction.

Why would you want to subject your children to the same experiences you had growing up? What value is there in passing dysfunction down another generation?

You are not "turning" your back on your husband. At best you are helping him to rock bottom such that he'll get help.

Please seek out a 12-step group for partners of addicts. I don't know what it would be for NA-but even going to an Al-Anon meeting would do.

First he claimed that the drugs were a one time thing. That he realized right after doing it (marijuana), it was wrong. And he said he was sorry.

But then, after telling him that I was going to validate his story, he admitted that it was twice. Two consecutive days. But THAT'S IT.

I just have no trust in him. First the A's, now the drugs..

Through all of this, he has not TOLD me anything.. Only admitted to things once I have found solid, concrete proof.

He swears up and down that it was just that. One (or well, two) times. But that he sincerely realizes his fault in it and that he will not do it again.

Three years ago, he watched his twin brother lose temporary custody of our his daughter, because of a cocaine addiction. He ended up, a year (and a series of court-mandated events) later, getting custody back.

So I know that he knows the very real consequences of drugs.

Elenor -- No, the drugs are not in the house or in our cars. I know who he got it from and where he was when he used. If the drugs were around my kids, I would have filed for a restraining order and court-mandated UA's from my husband.

The drug usage seems to be more of a convenience than anything. And I validated this from the source (who happens to be related to me, sad to say..). My H works with my family, and he was just showing up to work two consecutive mornings when they were using.

I drew up a letter and plan on having him sign it and getting it notarized on Tuesday stating that I will screen him for drugs for the next six months, randomly. And that if he fails one, regardless of the drug, he will sign over full custody of the kids to me. He is furious of the thought of me doubting his word, but, nonetheless, has agreed to sign it.

I guess we will actually find out on Tuesday.

I am trying SOOO hard to Plan A him. I KNOW that he is DEEPLY depressed. I tried to speak open and honestly with his mother about it yesterday. No yelling. No crying. Just tried to talk.

She was DISGUSTED at the thought of me diagnosing my H with depression. I know I am not a therapist, by a long shot. But I also know that someone of stable mind would not be doing these things.

I want so badly to get my H help. I have set up counseling sessions more than once. No luck. I tried to get me IC, him IC, and us MC. He flat out told me that he REFUSES to go to ANY sort of counseling.

He does not like therapy. He would rather ignore problems than deal with them. When I told him that I still plan on going to my IC, he told me that he will leave me if I go.

This doesn't really change my view. I still have full intentions on going. Hopefully I can set up a session on Tuesday at my church. They offer free counseling, and we definitely cannot afford to pay for anything right now.

I really think that THIS IS rock bottom. I tried to explain to my H that I love him and that I will always be here to help him, when he decides that he wants help. I tried explain to him that just like our marriage didn't just fall apart over night, we are not going to be just like newlyweds over night either.

He just wants a quick fix. He wants me to just wake up one morning and everything be peaches and cream.

We were there a couple of weeks ago. Right after Discovery. I was PA'ing my heart out for a few weeks. Once I thought we were on solid (enough) ground, I tried to slowly address some of the issues.

That's what got us here.

He said either the past is the past, or there is no future.

I don't even know if anyone really reads what I write here. But it definitely feels amazing to vent. Even if what I am saying falls on deaf ears.

And to those of you who do offer input and advice, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Honestly, had I not found this site BEFORE I even suspected the A's and the drugs, I would not be as strong as I am in this.

It has been through reading other stories of hardships and recoveries that I have found faith.

So, is he taking anti-depressants for his depression? I would suggest that.

I'm against drug use, and hubby seems like he could be an addict, but marijuana wouldn't be my hill to die on.

Really, somehow, you both need to get away from his family.

He won't take anti-depressants. Like I said, he does not like therapy. After his Dad's A, his parents made all of the kids go through counseling. He hated it. And this was only a few years ago.

My H comes from a family of addicts. His father was an alcoholic. His brother is a cocaine-addict, in denial. Almost everyone on his mother's side has difficulty with addictions of some sort.

I'm not saying that this AUTOMATICALLY makes him an addict, by any means. The Addict vs. Non-Addict in my ratio is ridiculous, yet I have not fallen prey to any addictions.

Basically, I don't know how to get through to him.

The exposure of his A COMPLETELY backfired. It only drove him and his family closer, and further from me.

I've tried to speak with his family and friends about his depression, and that backfires. They claim that I am the crazy one. His mother actually made reference to getting the kids away from ME, because she is scared that I am the unstable one.

Every member of his family could be found next to "enabler" in the dictionary. I have recently (in the attempts to better myself for me, if not for my husband) been reading up on Adult Children of Alcoholics Syndrome (ACoAS). Both his and my family fit this well.

In a book about ACoAS, the author explains that the ONLY way to recover and "break the cycle" is to get away from the source -- the addictive members of the family. But I am scared that if I offer this solution to my H, he will see it as a "you pick me or them" ultimatum. And I know that he would choose them. In a heartbeat.

I want help for him. For me. For us. Honestly, for our entire family. Both of our extended families. None of us are living a healthy lifestyle at this moment.

But I just question how -- How do I convince H that there is help? That it works. That MILLIONS of people are living, breathing proof of it all. He won't accept the thought of him needing help.

It breaks my heart to watch him. But I am scared I am not doing any good by standing here.

I have decided that for one entire week, starting this morning, I am not going to discuss ANYTHING to do with our M or R. That it is going to be like MB BootCamp at my house. That I am going to Plan A him until I am blue in the face.

At the end of the week, I hope that H will see that there can be peace here. That it is an inviting atmosphere to discuss things. That there is help out there. That he can be happy again. That WE can be happy again..

You must do a good Plan A. Concentrate on that. Do it for about 6 weeks, and then it will be a good time to move to Plan B.

But as I stated above, you need to get away from his family.

Don't worry about it now, just stay in Plan A.

Thank you for your replies, believer..

It keeps me focused to know that I have people to talk to on here when things go bad..

This is going to be my lifeline in many ways, to give me the strength to continue with a strong Plan A.

I know the temptations of LBs and DJs are going to be rampant through the course of it all.

I just need to keep my eye on the goal.

No advice just prayers for you... I will watch this post because my DD's H is addicted to drugs... I don't know what to do...

GOod Luck and Prayers....Frank

PH, thank you for the prayers..

It means the world to me to know that I can get support here, when everyone close to me has turned their backs and given up.

First step towards recovery has been accomplished - H actually hand-wrote and signed his promissory note that if he cannot stay clean, he will give up all rights to the kids until he can go six consecutive months without failing a drug screen.

It was hard for him to understand why his word alone wasn't enough for me. But he did it anyways.

Plan A is hard. Very hard. But when I want to break the Plan, I turn here. I read the proof that Plan A CAN do wonders.

A day at a time...

SO.. It's been a while since I have posted.. Back for more help..

So we addressed the drugs and the sex addiction. And he was/is doing much better since. It was kind of like the whole "exposure" part of Plan A for Infidelity.. Once I let everyone know his secret, it was a lot harder. Luckily for me, he has been very open and honest with me about all of it and things were progressing wonderfully.

Until two weeks ago.

Long story short, my H offended my mother because he was late picking up the boys one day, and my mother completely went off on him.

I stood up for my H. I defended him because he was late for a legitimate reason. I am actually the reason that he was late. He was running some errands for me that were an hour from home (which was right by where he was working that day).

Well, after a series of arguments, my H has decided that he no longer wants to "deal with" my mother. I respected his decision that he did not want to go over there until waters calmed. A few months ago, similar issues arose with his mother and I, and he did not defend me. I was very hurt and betrayed. So, remembering how I felt, I figured I would stand by him.

Everything was going great between the two of us. Not so much between my mother and I.

Well, it will be 3 weeks on Tuesday since everything happened. And my mother thinks that I am "keeping my kids from her". Honestly, I am not.

Right before this all began, I just switched jobs. I have been working extra hours and, because of my late hours, my MIL has been watching the kids instead of my mother. I also haven't had but one day off. And, on that one day, I was only off beacuse I had to take my 3year old to the doctor.

Well, it is completely tearing my family and I apart. No one in my family will talk to me because of all of this. I cannot convince them that I am really just working too much.

I cannot convince my H to go over to my mother's house either. And, if he won't go there, and my mother can't watch the boys until I get off at 6 or 7 o'clock, what option do I have?

I tried to discuss this with my H tonight, hoping he would change his mind about not wanting to go over there. But he is very persistent about the fact that he will not go over there until he gets an apology from my mother. And my mother feels that she has done no wrong, and (because I know her far too well) wouldn't apologize even if she did think she was at fault.

So I am torn on what to do.

If I stand by my H, I am going to be disowned by my entire family. My parents. My sisters and brother. My grandma. Everyone.

But if I stand by my mom, I will lose my marriage.

Neither side is willing to budge.

I feel like standing up for my mother will be the biggest act of hypocrisy I have committed. When everything happened with my MIL and I a few months back, I went on and on to my H about how hurt I was that he was standing up for his mother through all of it and essentially choosing her over me..

But I have always been so close to my family. The thought of losing them breaks my heart...

My husband is a recovering sex addict. It takes 3-5 years for couples to heal from this addiction. I'm glad things have gone well in the past month, but recovery is a marathon and not a sprint.

My family has got mental illness issues and enabling of said mental illness.

For my personal experience, it came down to a choice:
I could either heal myself completely (meaning not behaving in a dysfunctional way in any relationships) or I could try to be healthy with my husband and remain in unhealthy (read dysfunctional) with my family.

I personally could not keep two systems of interaction (functional and dysfunctional) going. In the end, I chose being in mentally/emotionally stable and healthy relationships. All relationships, friends, family, marriage.

So, that being said..

Do you still have a relationship with your family?

I have a very large (and very dysfunctional) family.. And I know that they are all each others' enablers. But I cannot imagine just abandoning everything.

Is that truly my only choice, should I choose that I only want healhy, functional relationships surrounding me and my children?

There is NOTHING wrong with taking a break from your family. People do it all the time.

Consider it putting on your oxygen mask so you can take care of the kids.

I gave up my father because his wife did something terrible to us. But I was more willing to lose my father than have something happen to my kids.

No, no contact is not your only choice. There's lots of areas of grey-and for that boundaries are helpful. Have you read the "Boundaries" book by Cloud and Townsend? Anything by Melody Beattie? (I particularly like "The Language of Letting Go."

Have you tried boundaries? What happens? Do they work? Do they not work? Can you find a therapist that will role-play with you? That will support your work with boundaries? Just that outside validation, that boundaries were OK, not wrong or being "bad" was helpful.

We have low contact, but that's not by my choice. I can't make my FOO heal. I also simply can't give them as much space in my head as I used to anymore.

It wasn't also until recently that I was ready for the state of our relationship. It took me a good decade to get to place where I was ready to deal with everything.

Well..

I finally convinced my mother that I am not "keeping my kids from her". And we had a good day today.

Wish I could say the same for my H and I. We got in a pretty heated argument about everything last night, and, surprise! He left.

He's back on this whole "I'm done with you" kick again..

I really thought we had gotten to a point in our recovery where he was done "threatening" me with divorce to get his way.

Difference between every other time he said he wanted a divorce and last night is that I didn't argue. I didn't agree, but I didn't argue.

I told him that I understand he is angry. And that I pray that he doesn't do anything crazy or make rash decisions.

He hasn't talked to me since, other than when I called him earlier to ask if he was going to watch the kids so I could go to work. He said no. It really hurt me that he is doing this to the kids, but I didn't let him know that. I just said "Okay" and told him I love him and let him go.

I want him home, yes. But I am not going to nag him.

I guess I am back to Plan A...

Well things are on an entirely different level now.

I have endured years of mental abuse, but I guess always told myself that my H wasn't really "abusive" because he had never hit me.

That changed last night.

And it was in front of my oldest son.

My H then told me that I deserved it and that it was my fault because I angered him and wouldn't leave him alone, so he had no choice but to do it.

Sounds like all that "fogbabble" that you all speak of.

Problem is now, we are on an entirely different playing field. I think that Plan A is ABSOLUTELY not an option here. It was one thing to Plan A after DDay, but I just don't think I could do it after him hitting me the other night. But Plan B would just be getting a divorce. And, regardless of everything, that is not what I want. We have two young children (3yrs and 10mos), and I want them to grow up in the home that we once had -- where Mom and Dad loved and respected each other.

But how do I get there?

H isn't living here now. He left after the incident and hasn't looked back. No contact for almost 48 hours. No apology. No nothing.

He apparently went to his twin brother's house, who is in the middle of a divorce himself. So I'm sure all that my BIL is doing is trying to convince him that singlehood is the way to go.

I don't want to ask my H to come home. Honestly, I don't want him here right now. But that doesn't mean that I want a divorce either. Problem is, H sees that those are the only two options.

How do I show him that what he did WAS completely out of line, but is also not the end of the world?

I almost feel crazy that I am the one who still wants to be married right now..