This is my first time posting on this site. I discovered my wife's affair back in 2006. Since that time we decided to make things work between us. Today, I think we are doing well as a married couple with two beautiful children. No further incidents that I know of or am suspicious of.

With that said, I am still having trouble coming to grips with what happened. You see, she never actually has admitted to a physical affair, although she did admit to an emotional affair with a male co-worker. This has driven me nuts for 3 years now and I do not know how to handle this.

Please help me by replying to my story below and tell me in your opinion, was the affair physical?

Over the course of about two months, I was hyper alert to her every move. I could sense something was going on, but I could not prove anything. She was going out for girls night more often. More like co-workers night out, a couple of whom were men. She would come home late, way late (4am-5am) and sometimes not at all. She would tell me that she was going to spend the night at her girlfriend's house so that she would not have to drink and drive. She would sleep in the guest bed on other nights and have her cell phone with her on the bed.

After this behavior went on for a couple of months, I started looking for proof. I was checking her cell phone and saw several calls from one of her male co-workers along with voice messages from him. On the day after one of her girl's night out evenings, I checked her bag she brought in from the car. I knew she had recently purchased some lingerie and I found that in her over night bag. I did not confront her about it right away and of course to this day she claims it was never in her bag.

The day I finally snapped was a Sunday. On the Friday afternoon before Sunday I was trying to access our online bank account. Mysteriously, I could not get in. I called my wife and asked her if she changed the password and of course she said no. Well, I called the bank and got my own password and started reviewing the account. On nights when she was out with her girlfriends our account records indicated she was not in the places she said she was. Different cities, different restaraunts etc. I was pretty upset.

Well, on Saturday my wife said she was going out again. Supposedly to a Jazz club in the downtown area of a major metro city. She said she was going to be home about midnight. Midnight came and went until about 5am when she finally came home. She said some of her friends were too drunk to drive, so she had to drive them all home. Typical lame excuse.

The next day I find a receipt to a very nice hotel in the downtown area. The wife was gone that day, she was "studying" to take the GMAT for grad school. She was gone for about 7 hours. When she got home I confronted her about all of this evidence I had. She said she had rented the hotel room for us, but because we had a fight earlier in the week she decided against going. This was her excuse. She did admit that she was with the other man the day I confronted her, supposedly they were studying for the GMAT together. That part had been left out previously.

Anyway, the next day I call the hotel and they confirmed that my wife had checked in. I also checked our bank account online and saw a $150 charge to a nice restaraunt by the hotel. When confronted with this, she said that she and the other man went to dinner because he needed to talk about his pending divorce. My wife also stated that she had checked into the hotel and was in the room with the other man, but nothing happened. She claims he needed a night away from his wife and she let him stay there over night.

My wife claimed she lied about all this because she knew how jealous I would be and I would not accept the fact that she had a friend that was a man. Of course I would not approve of this kind of relationship outside of work. I have female friends at work and we never communicate outside of the work environment. We don't go to bars, out for dinner or talk on the phone. You know why, because I'm married.

I could ramble on forever, but these are the main facts. The smaller details have been edited out.

Thanks everyone in advance.

HF1,

My wife also stated that she had checked into the hotel and was in the room with the other man, but nothing happened.

Sir, please polygraph immediately.

This reminds me of the story my sister-in law told, She was staying with us, left tags from new clothing and underwear in the trash can, kept urging us to go do something, her boyfriend picked her up in our driveway and was from the country she was living in. And guess what she said later he was taking her to "a birthday party" oh the inhumanity

NJ

You know it went physical, why do you want us to confirm it? You know deep down what she has done. Does it matter now? Are you considering throwing in the towel? DUDE

Much of your story is like my own. Ihad the lingerie in the backpack deal, the receipts from places that were not in align withher alleged whereabouts, and all the odd behavior you describe, including the girl's nights out, the unbelievable hours etc. i did not have any hotel receipts, however.
I arranged a meeting with my brother-in-law to go over what ihad found. (i also had a PI follow her several times and found her at her old boyfriend's house until 3-4 in the A.M. , so, that sort of cancels out the lack of hotel room deal).
I ran this by my wife's brother, a good guy-very smart.
i said "Dan, I am about 97% sure she is cheating."
His response "Zelmo, why don't you crank that up by about 3%."
I'll bet you a years salaryyour wife had a physical relationship with this guy.
And, she is never going to admit it to you.
So, what do you do? Gather info on the guy and try talking to him . Try to talk to his wife or family, if that is realistic.
Bro, you have really, really solid evidence and , like many of us, you are never going to get her to admit to anything that you cannot prove beyond all doubt.
But, from an outsider's viewpoint, you have busted her about as well as someone can be busted.
She cares nothing about your mental well-being or your physical health,, having exposed you to STDs and continuing to deny.
You've been lied to for a long time, now, and that is unconscionable. Sorry.

After being in your position and being as naive (forgive me for being blunt). If it wasn't physical I'll eat my hat. That may be heard to hear but you know deep down that it was. You are just looking for us to tell you it wasn't.

My wife was the sweetest, honest, most Christian woman I've ever known and she did it(PA). All I had to do was see the phone calls and I knew it. There was no denying it although she tried to for a while...DUDE

I'm betting your wife is lying through her teeth.

Her story is soooo unbelievable. I know you want to believe her, but your gut instincts are usually right.

For about $350, you can put this issue to rest. Hire a polygrapher. Look for one in the yellow pages, or call around to some attorneys, or the police dept. for referrals.

Just tell your wife this issue haunts you and you HAVE TO know the truth.

Ask her to take the polygraph. If she refuses, you have your answer.

If she agrees to it, DO IT. Don't back down, go all the way with it.

I did it. I had several d-days between the time my husband FINALLY agreed to do, and the actual appt itself.

It is worth the money for your piece of mind.

You also need to think about what you're going to do if she was indeed lying to you. I'd bet money she's lying to you.

Set yourself both free and get the test.

Wow, why did she get suckered into paying for all the meals, the hotel, the food and drink? Not only did she lie to you, she let OM take advantage of her!

IDK? I was kinda asking that myself. Maybe he was married and gave her some cash to offset some of her expenses..DUDE

She wanted sex and was willing to pay for it.

Maybe he was much younger and [BROKER]?

I think she paid sometimes, or all the time because he was in the process of getting a divorce. Perhaps strange withdrawals or purchases would have been seen by the attorneys for his wife and that could have hurt the divorce case. Not sure though.

That question has always hounded me as well. I actually rationalized that maybe she is telling me the truth because of this strange fact. Who knows?

Thanks for the replies. Every person I have ever spoken to has told me the affair was physical and I know it probably was, but there is always that 1% chance it was not. It is strange how a person would rather hang on to the 1% rather than the 99%.

Maybe you've told her before any PA and it is OVER so she doesn't want to admit to it?

It's actually fairly common to cling tothat 1%, although i think even that is way high re this not having gone physical.
ask for the polygraph , as someone as suggested. her response will speak volumes.
If she consents, don't overlook the possibility that she is trying to bluff, withthe expectation that consenting will cause you to withdraw the request.
i've read several stories where the WS bluffs right up to the ttime of the test, only to come clean when it is imminent.

Dude, I almost left her anyway and I think she is afraid of what will happen if she tells me. In the very begining I was so angry that I would lash out (verbally, not physically). That was a mistake on my part. Perhaps now that things are not as explosive I can go to her and tell her that I want her to tell me the truth and I will accept it and nothing will happen and that I will stay with her. I'm just really at a loss for what to do.

Don't ask for details if she admits PA. You will want to, but please don't. DUDE

Husker, your wife's affair was physical. Reading your account, I'm as certain as I can be without having been there; there is no doubt about it. (My OW was married, too; I've seen how these things go from the inside. All the half-baked alibis, everything.)

Odds are this was a PA years ago.

Your WW unwilling to tell the truth and the crap with trying to block your access to the bank accounts to track her spending.

Mistakes you have made:

Tolerating late night and over night outings in mixed company.

Not exposing the OMW and the affair at work.

Not exposing WW parents and her siblings, and your children.

Not sending a NC letter.

Letting WW continue to work for the same company as the OM.

Not getting WW to go NC with the OM.

Not getting WW to go for a polygraph.

By the way it's not to late to do these things.

Polygraph her. Without question. I would wager that she would confess to everything before she went. If she refuses, then you will know for sure.

I realize I have made many mistakes throughout this entire process. A lot of these things resolved along the way. The OM quit work not long after. I did expose the affair to her parents and her siblings. That set her off big time and tells me I made a mountain out of a mole hill.

Where I went wrong so far is not calling OM wife and/or the OM. I really really really want to do this, but I am not ready for that step. It will happen sooner than later though.

I feel so gutless and that I just want things to get better and I keep thinking time heals all wounds, but it has not done so yet.