My wife passed away in may of 2009 from cancer. I am a basket case now because I am 52 yrs old, have 3 adult children, (25-18) and now that my daughter of 25 has a 2 yr old I feel strongly the need to be there for them all. I will get into details soon enough but I want to explain that I am worried about thier emotional health because of what they had to endure especialy the last ten years.
I need to get myself healthy and so I was looking for some information in google to see what was going on with me. My wife had PTSD that she would not recognize or seek treatment for and that denial lead to alcohol abuse many times in her life. I searched for "Psycological effects in a alcoholic relationship" (or something close to that), and that lead me to DR. Harleys post about it. Here is an excerpt from it following the link.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5048a_qa.html
________________________________________________________

My job as a marriage counselor begins after successful treatment and sobriety. If the addicted spouse refuses treatment, then I direct the unaddicted spouse to Alanon or some other support group for spouses of alcoholics. Sometimes, I encourage an intervention.

That's what I learned to do after discovering that an alcoholic is so much in love with alcohol, that while in the state of addiction, there is no way for them to consider their spouse's feelings whenever they make decisions, a necessary condition for a great marriage. Alcohol always comes first, even when it is at the spouse's expense.

But even after sobriety is achieved, it's an uphill battle for the couple. The spouses of alcoholics are usually so relieved when treatment is successful that they often think their marital troubles are over. It's true, addiction makes it impossible to resolve marital conflicts. But sobriety itself doesn't solve them -- it simply makes them solvable. Once addiction is overcome, a couple is faced with the legions of other Love Busters that were ignored in the shadow of addiction or were created by addiction.

_________________________________________________________

I knew this made sense and described many truths I held onto for years. I started to visit the forums and realized there was help for me, at least I didn't feel alone anymore.

I realize it will be a long uphill battle for me to get my life back on track. As far as another relationship I am not seeking one and don't feel the need to have anything more than friends. I just want to be OK with myself and be there for the kids. I know this site is dedicated to Marriage recovery and relationships that involve people who are still with us and I respect that. There are a lot of personal issues that I am dealing with internally and I will keep this post relative to my former troubled marriage.

I am racked with guilt and insecurity. Issues that were personal that I never got straighted out are still with me and it will take hard work and time for me to straighten them all out. Maybe I just want to hear from someone that I did the best I could so I can let myself off the hook. Regaurdless I will allways think I should have done something differently and if I did my wife would still be here today. Maybe I just need a safe place to tell my story and I sincerly hope that somehow it will help others by example of both good and bad decisions I/We have made.

I tend to write long explainations but the desire to be crystal clear is the reason. The journey in our marriage had a lot of pitfalls and challanges. The details and prevailing concerns of course drove us to our decisions, good or bad.
I can only hope for good advice if I am transparent and clear and all the info I will present will be aimed at that.
If I am not clear please ask me what you need to know I will respond.

I am posting this and will follow later with questions and the story behind them later on. Thank you for reading this and I welcome any and all comments.
Again this is not just about the grief issue I am facing. The problems in marraige and how I/We faced them are the primary topic I will be addressing

sortingitout, I am so sorry you are here. I went through a similar trauma in my life in 1999. My H of 20 years left me for another woman, my 18 yr old son was killed, and my other child [17 DS] moved in with my H and the OW because I wouldn't be his "friend." I lost my whole family in that year. I went from being a married woman with 2 children to a divorced woman with no children. I was all alone.

But you know what helped me the MOST? It was not nursing my grief and talking about my losses, it was in building up my life again and keeping my focus on a healthy path of recovery. I started dating [way too soon!], working out daily, going out with friends and focusing on my career and friendships. I didn't talk about losses, but focused on my new life. I forced myself to get out of bed every morning and go to work - ALL DAY.

I had been led to believe that I could not HEAL unless I "talked it all out" but I found that my membership in a grief group kept me triggered and full of anxiety. Just one session in a grief support group would cause me so much sadness and grief that I did not want to even get out of bed for 3 days.

I didn't know WHY, but I did know that continually talking about it and being around other SAD people was horrendous to my mental health, not helpful. So I stopped it. I went through the motions of a happy, normal person and surrounded myself with emotionally healthy influences. When my grief became too much, I threw myself into weightlifting and aerobics. My feelings eventually followed my actions. I brought the body and the mind followed.

Little did I know at the time that studies actually show that my method was the fastest path to healing. Studies have shown that victims of trauma actually do much worse when they are in GRIEF counseling because they are constantly triggered by the trauma. They suffer much higher levels of depression and have a harder time adjusting to life again. I read all this LATER in a book titled One Nation Under Therapy by Christina Hoff Summers and Salley Satel, MD. It was a huge eye opener for me. Everything they said in there rang true for me.

It also lines up with Dr Harley's philosophy. [Dr Harley is a clinical psychologist and the founder of Marriage Builders] He does not believe in discussing past unpleasant events. He believes in focusing on making the present and future GREAT. I tend to agree with him, because that has been my exact experience.

So that is my suggestion. The problems of the past are gone and can't be resolved. But the present and the future can be great. They can't be great if you are focusing on the past, though. That is my message to you. Leave the past where it belongs, and look forward.

Hello sorting, and welcome to MB.

I hope you will take Melody's advice to heart. Please feel free to tell us your story here so we can get to know you a bit, but even with as much pain that is here we don't just wallow in it and stay there. Folks are always encouraged to do as many positive things as they can, big or small, to rebuild their lives after terrible loss - whether that loss was through death or deliberate abandonment.

Looking forward to reading the rest of your story.
Mulan

Overcoming Resentment



here

All very true, yet if there are unresolved issues surrounding the two-way infidelity, there may be some important lessons gained by revisiting that time, that could go forward into any future relationships.

BRIEFLY revisiting! Then back to the gym, library, or wherever.

Thanx guys you are all awesome and melody that advice is so true. I am sorry to hear of your loss but am glad you are better now. My problem is I used to get up and out the door and onto the next thing all the time. It truly is the way to get over stuff. It is true if i could just act right I would feel right. I just can't seem to get over it and I don't know why. I know whats right and I hate myself for not being better at doing what i need to.
As the last 6 months have past I have slowly started to "get out of my own head" I keep telling my 22 yr old son who is temporally supporting me I am getting better and starting to have hope in the future. Its funny but I really don't see the fog i was in till it leaves me. Like a new thought or attitude comes in and releases me from a negative one. Work and a sense of value in the world would probably help but I have been disabled since 2006.

Thank you for your words of encouragement. It means a lot to me. I will post tommorow a question you all can help me with if you would. I will read up on the links till then
God bless

I'm sorry I just drew a blank today. I realize that living in the past is a waste of time. I had this post all prepared yesterday about my life as a child that maybe could explain how I turned into an enabler. Why I have fallen into extreme poor self image issues and Why I get so locked up in guilt from time to time.
Success in life to me is to be balanced and when I leave this world I want to know I did everything I could to make it a better place than when I came into it. A positive self image and a realistic expectation of myself are the reasons I have allways sought God as the source of strength. I have sucked it up all my life and tried to be the hero so many times. On the outside I have been very successful in many instances. Practical accomplishments have kept me going and I just let painful experiances go and would just chalk it up to being sensitive.
I did not choose wisely in my seriuos relationships/marraiges and for variuos reasons. First one I was to young. Second I was to proud. Both times I rushed in when so many issues needed to be addressed and although I feel I was completly honest, she wasn't able to in both cases.

I Was looking for help in understanding my condition i am being treated for,(Bipolar Disorder or what they used to call Manic-depressive, Extreme highs and lows of mood), which of course can lead to wrong thinking and/or decisions based on wrong thinking. (The emotions are powerful motivators huh?), and came upon these three tests I took last week. They were quizs and if you check them out it wont take long. But if ya don't have time I will summarize the results

http://allpsych.com/tests/diagnostic/anxiety.html I tested high like 9 for anxiety

http://allpsych.com/tests/diagnostic/depression.html 13 for depression

http://allpsych.com/tests/self-help/success.html 13 on success orientation.

All these scores were high. Lol help! Ok, so What does that make me? I think it shows there is some problem with how I am handling my life.

I just need to find some answers and because I tried so hard just to provide for my family and I so wanted my intimacy and trust to grow in both marraiges I am afraid to move foward till I set some boundaries and expectations for myself.

So if you think you want to hear about my life and here my rather long story I would like to start by explaining how I started out as a child. It effects how I percieved myself and also how I treated my spouses emotional and practical needs and also how I understand I responded in my relationships.

In the end its all about the future and avoiding more mistakes. I am just looking for answers that I can stand on to build the future for myself and kids.

This is a great place to open up because of the aynominous nature here and I doubt a counsellor has the time in 30 mins a week to really look at this. Plus I get toungue tied and anxios so easily talking to them ussually ends up with me trying to explain myself so desparetly I just spin in circles and never seem to come to the point or explain the issues. (lol, i bet you guessed that allready..)

Ok let me know.. I will get the saga together and post the beginning of the story tommorow. I have to go do some housework Thx for reading this and seeya laters

I also suffer from bipolar disorder, and though it does affect my life, I know that - when I am consistent with treatment - I can still live well. Are you taking any medications?

yes i am on medication and have been seeing a therapist since 2000. It does help. I was diagnosed with a "mild" case and I know how important it is that severe cases get the help they need. I don't understand exactly where the condition in me stops and where outside influences in my life begin to cause problems but they both can get some blame. I know I need to stay in contact with someone who has their feet on the ground, (therapist). Because when life hands you to much to handle you have to take it one thing at a time.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

My D19 just left for college this fall. Since she left, I've been consumed with what I should have done as a mother, wife, and for her.

But you know what?

I've told this to people for years and years, and it's the truth:

If you do nothing else for your children but make sure they know you love and cherish them, the rest is inconsequential. Love is everything. You could be the most messed-up person on earth, but all they will remember is that you loved and wanted them.

Yes I read a book by Scott Peck called "The road less traveled" back in 1988 whe I was separated from my family and there was a section about emotional security.

He said this and I don't have the exact quote but here is the gist of it.

"I have found that Children who come from familys where they are never given up on or deserted are the most able to endure hardships in life. It is important that a child feel they are loved and that there is no behaviuor or circumstances that could happen that would separate them from there parent/s care. Money, material wealth, social standing or reputation will do very little for a childs self-esteem if they don't feel valued at thier core, loved without condition. It is most important that a child know that the parent will be there for them through anything and will never leave them"

Again I am not sure if the wording is right but it was a great book.

I think many people who have grown up without that kind of parenting must feel lonely. For me I sought God as a father Image and still do. Parenting never stops.

Most definitely! I noticed something about 10 years ago, and I've been keeping score on it ever since. Every time someone who 'makes it big' in whatever field is interviewed, and they ask that age old question - how did you get here - they almost always said something along the lines of:

"My parents supported me in every thing I did. They attended every game, every recital, every graduation, everything. They made me know I was loved. They never told me I couldn't accomplish what I said I wanted to do, even if it was to fly to the moon in a sailboat. I grew up knowing I could accomplish anything, and, if I didn't, they turned it into a lesson on how to succeed the next time."

Funny how they all said the same thing. But it makes so much sense. It's like school. I always thought school was for teaching us how to learn, not what to learn. Because we're lifelong learners - or we should be.

I couldn't agree more

Well I promised a story and a question so here goes. I will try to be as honest as I can but a lot of what I say here will have to do with how I percieved things. I know the main villian in the saga self-image and I admit that both myself and my late wife had fought battles with that demon.

Something to remember about childrens self Image. They will believe they are what they are told they are. A lot like the garden of Eden. After they ate from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil they were able to see they were naked. They did not know there was anything wrong with them before. The judgements and critisim of parents and peers are what mold our childrens minds.
Both my wife and I were aware that most of the problems we had encountered were from poor decisions based on bad or poor information. A lot of what was wrong with us was in our heads. Just like the human condition.

A little about my background before we met and then a little about hers.

Me -- I don't take rejection well.. I mean I fall apart if I feel its my fault and I am easily made to think it is. This comes from a Dad who had some real issues with reality and because he had no desire to show his children affection. I became the Son who hadto live with a Dad who didn't seem to care for him. He didn't drink and beat me. In a way it was worse because he didn't even find me important enough to spend time with and all I wanted to do as a kid was be a good son and grow up to be a Man.
Mom and the church taught me that a man cared for his children, as God did. I know that a Real Man loves his children and cares for thier self-esteem. My Dad couldn't. He had issues and if it wasn't for my Mom and God I would have inherited them also. I heard a Pastor say that the definition of hate is really total indifferance. I agree wholeheartedly. I would rather have seen my dads misguided emotions taken out on me and maybe an apology come later than to experiance his constant rejection.
I forgave him when I was 10 yrs old but it was still hard never measuring up to someone I so wanted to make happy. He never had a close friend and distrusted everyone most of his life. I am glad that with his 3rd wife he had some good times before he had a stroke but I never could get close to him even after I grew up because he was unforgiving and cold. Money was his God. He had suffered somehow at the hands of somebody and I can't say who. His Mom and Dad were the salt of the earth and his brother was a totally different human being.
I grew up an insecure kid who did everything to get Dads approval. I studied hard in school and worked after school for my dad but it was never good enough. I didn't have many friends and also didn't stick up for myself, taking abuse from most everyone somehow inside I just thought I deserved it. Everything was my fault and I took on the "hero" complex for both my Mom and my sister, and still I was hoping to reach my Dad because everyone knew he had a problem.

Growing up trying to fix what wasn't my job to fix would be behavior that would haunt me and give me a complex that I still have to be aware of now that I am 52 yrs old.

Now for my late wifes background..

She took rejection worse than me. but she learned how to bury it young in life.
She was born in a rural community to an alcoholic Mom and Dad. Mom was the worse of the two but her and her brother were taken away at age 6 and 4. She being the oldest took on the hero role as they went from one abusive foster home to the next one where the father made a pass at her when she was 12. She was a strikingly beutiful woman as her mother was also but because she was living near her birth parents had to put up with watching her Mom getting drunk and being made fun of. She looked so much like her Mom that people would tell her never to be like her Mom.
She grew up allways being afraid she was not good enough and put on a hard shell to cover up the little girl inside. At 16 in a house she had to live in because her birth father kicked her out of his house a young musician threatened suicide if she wouldn't marry him. She married him and within the next 2 years they became born again Christians just before her husband left her and kidnapped thier child. In the 70's the custody laws were not enforced like today. If the absent father took the child there was no jail term. She and some church members went and got the child but two years later he was kidnapped again from a nursery. She couldn't find him again and she had to deal with this. She allways carried this fear of being like her mother and I am sure she felt that this was her fault too. She had what I can best describe as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, She tried to hide her feelings with a tough exterior but when I met her at age 26 you could see the deeply hurt woman she was.

So here is where we were when we met, both age 26..

Both of us still with issues we hadn't completely worked out and emotions that had control over us. We were both seeking peace in our own ways.

Me =I had been married at a young age and went through some hard times with it but was now getting ready for colledge which I strongly felt I needed for a few reasons. One was I was smart enough to learn because I had a relatively high IQ and probably the most important reason was that I needed the Sheepskin for self-esteem and a future. I felt that because of the type of man I was that i would absolutly need a focused carreer and a strong income before I would have self-respect. I had a Son in another state by my first marraige and it had been two years since I had seen him. I had a job that barely made ends meet so I was just getting along at the time. I had dated girls but made it clear that I was not going to get seriuos untill I could afford to. I was at a crossroads and felt it was now or never if I was gonna go to school. Seriuos romance would be sought after I had a future lined up. I needed the structure of colledge and would seek psycology and sociology classes to help me understand why I still felt so deeply the guilt and responsibility for everything placed in front of me. I wanted to balance out my life and was going to seek being a civil lawyer. My desire to help people understand that the law was designed to protect us even though it wasn't implemented perfectly sometimes was how I wanted to help people. I wanted to fight fear and ignorance. I really had high hopes in this area because I had counseled people who didn't have respect for the rules we all must live by, moral and practical.

My wife= At age 17 on she had involved herself in a christian colledge where she studied the word of God and lived in the promises. She had such an intense relationship with the word that she was even called upon by Pastors to hear her point of view. This is one of the reasons I became so impressed with her but it was not how we started out. She had lived with God as her saving grace untill she was 26 also but she was not attending church when we met and found out later how important that was for her. She also had returned to drinking which at first I didn't see what an effect it had on her
So we met..

When I first met her it was her outgoing personality and ability to communicate that impressed me. She was very attractive and had been asked to model by some agencys but she knew from asking other models that the lifestyle was not what she wanted. She was the most beautiful woman I have ever met and on top of that very interesting to talk to with such an outgoing personality I was totally captivated. I sought time to spend with her to see what she was about and after we shared some personal information it became clear she was a rare person with a high intellect and a very sensitive woman. When she shared the story of her kidnapped Son she cried and you could see the heartbreak in her about that loss.
When I told her I was seeking to be a lawyer to help people change their life she made it clear that God was the answer for people. I did not have the teaching she had and what words she quoted from the bible made so much sense to me. When I said I thought most of the problems people face come from insecurty and fear the quote "Perfect love cast out all fear" rang true from her lips.
Here was this beautiful, intellegent, sensitive woman and I was so attracted to her I couldn't figure it out. It was worth checking into even to just have her as a freind. I felt she was out of my league but I also thought I would never forgive myself if I didn't at least date her long enough to see what happened.
She was one of those people that took control and made things happen. Before I started talking to her she was standing in a hallway with a freind and not saying a word she just looked like a professional social worker. As her friend was having a disscussion with a Landlord she just stood in the background for support. That does not mean she couldn't open her mouth when she had to though. She would apply herself to any situation and give sound argument in the years to follow. Their were very few occasions where she would keep quiet if she really needed to speak up and someone was being wronged. I didn't feel ready to get into a relationship with anybody but I felt that if I wanted one with her, I had to make a choice. She had already said she would not consider marriage with anyone but a christian man. Also that she was not willing to wait too long either. I eventually saw why she wasn't scooped up by another guy yet even though she was engaged 3 times in the last 6 yrs. She was scared somehow deep inside. This is what I thought I saw.
At the time we would go out and have a couple drinks at the bar before a movie and she would want to stay and have another and another when I felt it was time to go. Onenight we were at a bar next to the movie theater and we had brought one of her girlfriends with us. The Bartender was flirting with her and I wanted to go. There were signs that she drank too much and I was getting ready to talk to her about it so this didn't shock me as much as it hurt.. when I asked her to leave with me she turned to me and abruptly said with a scowl,"Go ahead and go, I can get a ride later. I will see you when I get back" I said that it wasn't nessesary but she insisted. I said OK and went home heartbroken.
I was convinced that there were some issues we needed to talk about but maybe it was time to break it off. I waited for about 1/2 hr at home and she came in and sat down like nothing was the matter. I fully wanted to talk to her about what was going on but what I said first was, "maybe we should stop seeing each other". What I expected was "Why? Whats wrong?" but what happened is she got up and left in a huff, not a word.
I tried to see her for the next couple days and when I finnally did she was in bed. She said she was afraid to tell me about her problem with nerves and that she would drink a little more than she should once in a while. It was then she told me about her Mom and how much she never wanted to be like her. She loved her Mom and it was obviously a personal issue that weighed heavy on her heart.
I had seen up to this point a few alcoholics in my life and this woman was not a bleary-eyed totally selfish individual and by her own admission she new she had "nerve" problems. I told her what I still to this day consider the best advice anyone could have given her.
"You need to see a psycologist and get therapy for whatever is causing you this inner nerve problem and maybe they can give you a slight tranquilizer for the times when stress is high untill you find out what you should be trying to handle. You are a sensitive intellegent woman and you can live without all this stress. Don't let the world sit on your shoulders"

This point is where a lot of people say "Oops, I better not get involved with 'that' person", but I didn't have that gene I guess. I said it before , Fools rush in..

That was the point where I should have backed off from the relationship untill the problems were dealt with for her. At least I could have just insisted that we don't drink. I would have been able to be more of a friend if I had not continued to pursue a seriuos relationship.
I can tell you this about what happened to me that night.. After she left me in a huff I chased her. I thought I had done something wrong and cruel. I felt very guilty the next two days and by the time I talked to her I was hooked. I did it to myself There was this absolute fear of desparation that came over me when she left that room.

So here is what I thought was happening, I was with a very sensitive and intellegent woman and I thought for some reason that I would be able to love her enough and for a long enough period of time that she would realize I could be trusted with her heart. The more she started to reject me the more my foolish heart would chase her.
Any counsellor will tell you I was an enabler. I didn't see it that way at first. The story isn' t over yet as a matter of fact that was just setting the stage. Its not all bad news. She and I had some great years when she was in recovery a few years later. I want to share that with you because it showed me the power of Gods love and how it changes lives. I have to take a break for awhile and then I will get to the next stage.
One thing I really want to stress is that we didn't seek counseling like we should have and tried to go it alone. I guess we thought we were different from everyone else and could handle more without help. Its not true, everyone needs help from time to time and certain things need to be dealt with in a relationship before they are able to be truly put to rest. This is why I am writing this out here, to let people know that they truly can have intimacy, truth and love in thier relationships. I will share more in my next post.

Well folk's , I have been trying to find a way to be fair to my late wife and express our story here in a way that maybe could benifet others while baring my soul.
Their really is no way I can tell this story from 26 yrs ago and not miss something important to the whole picture so I will stop the details and just sum it up as fairly as I can.
My late wife and I both were searching for answers when we met and we thought we had found a "formula" to help ourselves as well as someone to count on. We both were not ready to make a commitment and we did not seek counsel as we should have when we met.
Wrong thinking and not giving ourselves time to get our minds right had caused some seriuos issues for our relationship. As time went on and we both wanted to work on things we had come to the realization that putting the past behind us and the ability to forgive and forget was the only way we could survive.
The best times we had were when we trusted God for our future. There were some unrealistic expectations in that trust on both our parts but for 12 years when our children were young it was the belief that we as imperfect people would be OK if we believed we were loved by God.
Although we both have failed in this I can say that if two people can truly appreciate thier marriage and stay honest about what they want it to be they can make it. It can be what they make it and being able to be honest with themselves and thier partner are rules number one and two. If two people have the same values and share thier life in truth they will grow "together". I stress this because life can throw you tons of temptations and curve balls but if you are devoted to making a marraige work and stay honest with each other, you will be able to overcome them "together".

I guess what i wanted to ask for a question was. How long will it take me to get my life back together and am I right in giving myself time? I am reading along with seeking counsel and trying not to look to hard at the past. My personality sometimes wants to go it alone but I am a little afraid to cut myself off from counsel. I have made some dumb decsions in the last ten years that I should just let myself off the hook from but I still have a lot of guilt from them. I just have to remember I am only human and not made of stone.
I could have went to someone and sought help if my pride did not get in the way. In my marriage I was so used to being a hero and trying to absorb negative crap that I stayed alone untill the negativity of some of my wifes actions along with my own deteriorating self image dragged me down to a place where I felt helpless. I blame myself for letting it get that bad. I know I stood as strong as I had the ability too but still... Well the cycle will end as soon as I let it but I need to get my mind on the right track again. And the question is.. Shouldn't I just take my time and take care of myself the best way God will provide while I wait to feel normal again?
I don't know if I ever really felt normal in my life lol but at least I felt I was doing all I could.

To all of you who are working on a relationship get one with truth first, know that God loves you and he is the source for our peace and expectation of our future. Having that security will lead to a balanced life. I miss that security and maybe I just need to accept things for the fears to stop. I thought my wife and I would be able to get it together by now and life was supposed to be so different than this. I can tell you that she didn't plan it this way. OK Guys .. Have a great Thanksgiving. We have much to thank God for.

I'm a big believer in counseling, if for no other reason than to have someone to talk to. Talking things out, you can often find the clarity you're looking for. Plus, they went to college and must have some good knowledge to pass on! At least more than cousin Joe.

As for you, I'd suggest working on a change in attitude, not knowledge. If you read a thread on MB 101 from holdingontoit, you'll see a man who chooses to be negative, to hate himself, to expect nothing from himself and for his children...and achieves it! How sad.

You can work on that. You can choose to see the beautiful colors of the flowers in the weeds and marvel at God's ingenuity, or you can choose to see the weeds growing up in the sidewalk cracks and be bitter at the mess. Such a change is an active choice. Requires work, but CAN be done.

Do that, for your kids.

How right you are about having a positive outlook. I am reminded about the first thanksgiving today and have been talking about it to my kids.
From what I have learned the first thanksgiving came about while there was a real problem with food. There were people starving and not enough food to make it through the winter. The settlers did not have a graciuos bounty the first thanksgiving but when an old farmer brought up that we should be thankful for what God gave them they started the tradition of thanking Him instead of wasting thier time worrying and complaining. I believe in that.

I knew this guy where I grew up who was really a gifted technician. At one time he wss the head of his deptartment in the trade he chose and there were very few people who weren't impressed by his depth of knowledge.
He was also one of the most critical people you could ever meet. This guy could find something wrong with anyone's desicions and performance. He lost his position at his job and started his own side business. Still everyone was a fool to him. When his patient wife tryed to get him to counsel and show mercy for "all of the fools he had to put up with..", he just rejected it. He had a bad temper and knowbody could stand to be around him for very long.


Another aquaitance of mine, of much older age,(I was 25 and he was 64), was married and he was rich in money and property. He was married and hid all his $ from his wife while he made her collect welfare. She was a little older than him and had gotten very sick. I used to carry her to the bathroom and back when it started to get bad and she talked to me about how life was with him. She had given up a career where she was very sucessful to marry him because he promised her the world. She never pryed into his affairs or knew what kind of money he had. One day when a bank statement came she opened it and saw that he had $10,000,(the maximum federal insured amount), in this bank. She started to open the statements from other banks that came to the house and found 10 grand in all of them. 6 months later, when she was to sick to get around, her children came and took her home to take care of her because he wouldn't pay for heathcare for her. I could not bring myself to talk to this guy again after that.

This same aquaintance was who told me about the first guy I mentioned. He said that the first guy was so cruel and critical to his son that his son had fallen into drug abuse and one day just laid down on a train track and committed suicide.

The atitudes and values those two men I just mentioned were very much like what my Dad expressed about life when I was a child. That kid on the railroad track could have been me. I decided as a child that I would value people and relationships higher than temporal wealth, reputation, or the illusion of security power might bring. That didn't mean I wasn't ever subjected to people that didn't have that attitude. Being around people who are out of balance with whats really important is stressful so I need to stay in touch with people who have the same values as I. These people counsel me just by being who they are. The only real grounding and personal force I have though thats constant is God. He is the only source that loves me just the way I am and doesn't need me to perform. He needs nothing from me and still takes the time to care for me. He first gets my heart, then his counsellors he has placed here on the earth get my trust. I hope you can see that about me. I have tryed and according to my freinds laid down my life for my Family. I also have done the best I could to never bring up negative past issues about life. From the time I was 17 and found out I was going to be a father my life has been occupied with providing physical and emotional support for my children. It is what I consider the greatest priveledge anyone can have in life.

I have tried to help severly unbalanced people like i mentioned above to see that the way they treated others was robbing them of what really was important in life. It became obvious to me at 18 that they were afraid. I took pity on them. Then I saw they weren't being helped by pity. They would rather hold onto pride and bitterness as in some selfish posession than to see what they were doing to others. They confused many times kindness with weakness. When circumstances got tough it was a way for them to withdraw into a self-righteous shell instead of seeing that they had a chance to grow. When my Mom went to pastoral counseling for two years my Dad would not. When she finnally filed fo divorce he would not go to court. The judge grabbed him from work and he gave the judge a hard time. he spent a night in jail and still would not admit he had ever done anything wrong. I watched my Mom, who had only been with one man sexually her whole life, my Dad. My Mom taught Sunday school, brought up her brothers and sisters after her moms death when she was 16. My Mom who is one of the sweetest and strongest women I will ever know do the right thing by us and God and deal with someone who was spoiled rotten by his own choice. My Mom made choices andserved people her whole life. She is still around and is the saving grace in my Sister and My life. Thank God for her example of patience and faith.

A Pastor in my church came up to me one day and was complimenting me on the job I was doing. He said, " Wow I wish I could do that stuff". I laughed and thanked him but I said to him that what he did was the more impressive job. He worked with the invisible spirit of God and man. All I did was work with machinery.

We all have to make choices every day. I will choose to thank God for the many blessings I have. Life has been good to me. I think most of peoples problems result from not thanking God for what they allready have. Success in life is 1% apptitude and 99% attitude. I am here to open my eyes again to that. It helps me to hear others with that attitude also and maybe get a kick in the butt now and then. I am continuing to feed my mind with Gods promises and lean on the good advice of friends I find. Thank you all for your comments
I just remembered something I wanted to share with you catperson about the post you had a couple days ago.
You were talking about what successful people said about thier parents.
Their was this guy who home schooled his children and he had said the most important thing he did was to support them in everything. Even if they changed gears midstream he supported them. Its notable that all 5 home schooled children had doctrates and some even taught in colledge before they were 25 years old. Wow! I think its so important kids know that they can make choices for themselves and get positive support.
Well until next time

Sounds to me like you fought back sister. I have so many years yanked myself out of bed and refused to believe any negative thoughts that would cloud my head. I need to get back to that attitude also. This place is encouraging me to get my (&^&( together lol. I guess isolation has taken its toll so I will have to refuse to allow poor thinking and depression to rule my spirit

Thanx

sortingitout,

What meds are you taking currently? In reading your thread, I would be willing to bet that one of two things is going on right now, (1) Either you aren't taking your meds, or (2) the meds need to be adjusted...I pray that you get the help you need, of course for yourself, but also for the sake of your children...

Mrs. W <~~~Daughter of a father that had Bipolar Disorder