From time to time when I read in MB101, I read about a concept ya'll call drive by honesty. I have practised it in my own M and I think its a good additional tool to MB.

I would like it to be explained as a stand alone topic instead of part of a members marital communication plan , mostly so when I talk about it with other MB members, I have a link to direct them to, as I cant really explain it all that well myself

Alternatively, if there is a link to this subject and I have entirely missed it, could some kind soul direct me to it??

Please and thank you.

I've just done a few searches but couldn't find anything. I've seen it described in several places. I think this could be a valuable discussion.

For reference, here's a pretty good description of it I found in a post by OurHouse


I think they keys here are: Focusing only on yourself and letting the response go.

By focusing on yourself you're basically just letting your spouse know what is going on with you. Letting them know how you feel. By letting it go I think it means you remove the expectation of them responding. You are simply providing information, I think.

Now I've never consciously practiced this so I'm not sure exactly what all that means. Apparently LA originated the idea so maybe he can stop in and clarify.

Does 'letting it go' mean you don't expect a response? Do you not expect any change based on the information?

Just quietly, if by LA you mean lovinganyway, then he is a she

I think I remember Cat, Jayne, NED etc talking about it off an on. The bit I would like more detail on is the 'how' as opposed to the 'why'.

It was along the lines of come to your spouse at the appropiate moment, state in 2-3 sentences the point you want to get across, and then leave without making a drama over it so they can have quiet time to think on what you said. But I think there was more to it than that.

Lildoggie, the idea is to move towards a kinder, gentler marriage. We can put pressure on each other in lots of ways unintentionally. The drive-by O&H is where you are going from one room to the next, like carrying laundry or clearing the table, something where you are by the mature of your movement letting go of the response. Sharing as opposed to trying to control or force an outcome. And it's great too if you're fearing the other person's response. I even found it's great with the kids, to say something small to them instead of dragging them into a conversation about a topic they don't like, but you do have something small you want them to know.

Like the opposite of sandbagging, where folks don't want to talk about something, so they store it up until they can't take it anymore. It just makes it more obvious that your goal is to share honesty, not to force an outcome. And sometimes we're mistaken that someone else doesn't want to discuss the topic. The other person has the option whether to pick the topic back up and when.

Great idea for a thread!

Neds first told me about it, and I've found it very useful, especially for a spouse who is allergic to communicating. The part that I think helps us the most is that I leave fast enough that he doesn't start to get worried that we're going to have "A Conversation".

So my implementation is probably even briefer statements than Ned's. I try to limit it to one sentence, one thought, just expressing how I feel about something, then turn and walk away before he feels like I'm expecting a response.

Come to think of it, I even have a quite literal picture of "drive-by" in my mind, so I often literally am walking through the room when I say it.

I try to keep it as just a statement about myself and how I feel, not an accusation or judgment about him or his actions.

And just like training dogs it's important that the *next* interaction be positive and upbeat, so it doesn't seem like you are harboring a grudge and doing a drive-by "scootch" or jab. Dogs, kids, and hubbies like to know that one complaint doesn't color the whole relationship! lol

Think of it as Twitter for Marriage Builders. You only have so many characters in your 'tweet' before you run out of room. Make every one count.

RATS!

Well, I got the reference from another thread but I do think it was from lovinganyway. And I'm gonna use the 'I'm new around here and have troubles keeping everyone straight' excuse . Sorry, LA.



This I understand. Don't want to put too much pressure on the other person by making it a 'we need to talk' scenario. Does anyone have any real life examples they could share - just to show how it's done practically?

Thanks Jayne,
thats almost exactly what I was thinking of, although I dont tend to do it as a drive by shooting More of a walk up, make statement and then leave and/or carry on with doing what I was doing without expecting a response, because lets face it, those of us with C allergic spouses tend to not get immediate responses anyway. They need time, a few days, to chew it over, like a cudding animal

OH, I don't have twitter so didn't entirely understand the tweet thing but its a great analogy. It's like you put it out there and if someone comments that's good, if they didn't, well at least it's out there.

Examples....well I can give 2-3 sentences in my drive by's so I mine tend to be, if Flick is on the computer or something; I walk up to him and say his name to which I'll get a grunt or a yes or some sort of acknowlegement, then I'll say "when you xx, I feel xxx and I would prefer it if you xxxx instead"

Another time I went to him and said "when you xx, it depletes my lovebank and makes it harder for me to have loving feelings towards you."

Then as I said I leave the room or go do something else. I dont always or even often get a verbal response but I do often see a change in the behaviour, tone of voice, or whatever it was I mentioned.

I have noticed him doing something similar to me a couple of times Leading by example - I hope

BUMP for ST and more input, maybe

I made it at last!

Now then. I try this driveby honesty - without knowing that a phrase had been coined for it.

But I do it for the opposite reason - I do it because I need to let J know gently how I feel but I don't want to end up in confrontation about it.

Is it wrong to use it if you know the other person is going to want to talk about it?

J can have a bit of a short fuse and is very defensive - he even hits defend mode when I am very clearly paying him a compliment or agreeing with him....

so I have developed this strategy; but usually I do it as one of us is leaving the house so that J has time to think about it and then he can bring it up for disucussion later on if he wants to.

In this way I avoid the immediate "reaction".

Stay- I think that is a valid way to use it. Give yourselves a little time to consider before discussing.

I had a situation this week where I SHOULD have used a bit of drive-by honesty. DH has been doing a few things that bug me but as they relate to a sensitive subject, I sat on my feelings for a couple of weeks waiting for the 'right time' to tell him how I felt.

In the end it led to a pretty weighty discussion that made us both feel pretty rotten. We got over it and things are fine but he told me later that he would appreciate me telling him after he does something that bothers me rather than holding it in and waiting for the 'right time'. I see now I could have just made my issues into a short sweet sentence of 'I feel hurt when ___' and just left it at that- and it would have avoided the painful conversation we wound up having.

I like this concept.