My wife said it�s time to put some of my previous discussions of Extraordinary Precautions (EP�s) on to a thread of it�s own.

I hope this thread can help some of the (F)WS�s begin the process of seeing and eliminating the conditions that led to their affair. And begin protecting the person they promised to love honor and to cherish.

As a FWH, I went through this process myself with the help of Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers. I will forever be grateful to her for coaching both my wife and me.



There is a Bible verse from the book of James that was shown to me in the beginning of recovery that I want to share before I begin�� it opened my eyes, maybe it will do the same for some of you.

When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each of you is tempted when you are dragged away by your own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. James 1:13-15(NIV)



Here goes....

I want to share some thoughts about Just Compensation first, remembering that EP�s ARE a part of this idea of Just Compensation.

I believe "just compensation" was created by Dr. Harley to help us waywards understand that our offense is not a "forgive and forget" type of offense. Actions are required!


Quoting Dr. Harley:

"I'm in favor of forgiveness in many situations, but this isn't one of them. In the case of infidelity, compensation not only helps the offended spouse overcome the resentment he or she harbors, but the right kind of compensation helps restore the relationship and prevents the painful act from being repeated."

Entire article ---> Here


When an insurance company pays you for a home that was lost from a devastating fire, this would be compensation. It is all they can offer you. They cannot restore your memories, photos, collectibles, treasures, or the security you always felt prior to the fire. You would also feel no obligation to drop on your knees and say thank you to your insurance company for the compensation either. It may even feel cold that they are paying you for something you can never get back again. But, it is what they must do regardless.

I can never offer Just (as in justice) Compensation for my affair, because it can never really be more than just (merely) compensation. But, I must offer it just the same if I am going to be part of the marriage recovery of today and tomorrow.

Now about�.. Extraordinary Precautions (EP�s)
This is a critical dimension to the just compensation that you (WS) are going to offer..

The first just compensation that you offered your spouse was No Contact (NC) with the AP.

The next thing you offer is a list of EP�s that you can give to your spouse.
This list of EP�s will �demonstrate� your willingness to protect them.

You cannot expect enthusiasm from your BS for this list of EP�s.
You cannot expect a pat on the back from them, but I think you already know that.
You do this step anyways!

When discussing EPs, Dr. Harley addresses that the following areas need to change:

A) Blocking all communication with Affair Partners (AP�s)
B) Accounting for all of your time
C) Accounting for all money
D) Spending your leisure time with your wife.

EP�s are put into place to protect your spouse.

Protection = Care

EP�s are also designed to ELIMINATE the opportunity to have a secret second life.

Ok, so let�s talk about two different categories you need to create in your list of EP�s.

The first category is a list of one-time EPs that you will need to make sure you complete quickly.

The second category is a list of EPs that you will follow for a lifetime.

So let�s start with the first category items.

(what follows are SUGGESTIONS, remember this is going to be YOUR list)


A) Change cell phone number and give password & account access to your spouse.
B) Change email account.
C) Eliminate all social networking accounts (i.e., Face book, Classmates, My Space, etc.)
D) Take a polygraph
E) Make a copy of my vehicle keys and any other keys my spouse does not have and give to them (i.e., safe deposit boxes, business keys, storage cabinets/lockers, etc.)
F) List out passwords for all business and personal computer logins, and any other passwords my spouse does not have access to.
G) Give my spouse access to any banking/financial accounts, business and personal.
H) Install software that tracks all internet use, giving my spouse administrative access.
I) Install a webcam/security cameras for while at work that my spouse can access.
J) I will contact an attorney that will work on my spouse�s behalf and write a post-nuptial agreement.
K) Sell the house/purchase a new one.
L) Sell any vehicle AP was in and replace them.

Some of these things you may have already done. But these are one time things that you set up and they stay this way with little or no maintenance.

Include completed items on this list as well as items still in process on your list.

Category #2 is a little more along the lines of EPs that you need to maintain on a continuous, consistent basis.

A) I will protect my spouse and their feelings above all else.
B) I will not participate in any one-on-one meetings with anyone of the opposite sex.
C) I will not discuss my personal marriage issues with anyone of the opposite sex.
D) I will not attend clubs, strip joints, or any such establishment
E) I agree to use POJA as a basis for all decisions.
F) I will be open and honest with my spouse at all times about the past and present.
G) I will provide my spouse a daily schedule of all appointments and contact information.
H) If I need to make an adjustment to my schedule, I will notify my spouse of the change immediately.
I) I will make my spouse�s phone calls my highest priority by answering them or returning them immediately.
J) I will avoid all chat rooms, porn, member sites, etc.
K) I will trade phones with my spouse at any time they request, NO questions asked.
L) I will leave my phone accessible to my spouse at night/or anytime I�m home.
M) I will commit to at least 15 hours of undivided attention with my spouse to meet each other�s ENs every week (time working together does not count toward those 15 hours).
N) If AP finds a way to make contact, I will immediately end the contact and notify my spouse about it immediately after.
O) I will install a keylogger, GPS, or any other tracking system my spouse may request.
P) Anytime I have the thought, �I don�t want my spouse to know about��.�, I will call my spouse immediately and tell them my thoughts.
Q) Anything else my spouse wants as a boundary.

Use this as a starting point for working further on your EPs. Add and change items that suit your situation.

Whatever you do, put your list together and post it on your own thread and then allow for some feedback from those that have been through this exercise. We want you to perfect your list before offering it to your spouse. There is so very little that a wayward can truly offer as compensation for the huge amount of damage caused by such a selfish act as adultery that we want to make sure this is done well. The continuation of your marriage is riding on these actions!

Now I want to post a few thoughts to the BS about this��

Listen..... As a BS� imagine some day in the future.... you're sick for months on end and you've allowed compromise on these EP's in the past..... what's going to happen then?

You cannot meet EN's because of this illness, and FWS�s EP's are not solid...... What now?

EP's are also in place to eliminate the need to have discussions about boundaries when times are rough and EN's cannot be met......

They serve multiple purposes...

EP�s also eliminate the constant energy drain the BS feels. The EP�s eliminate micro management or any other management�.. It�s a done deal.

Please Remember - Waywards are CONS!

They usually create the EP list and then weeks or months later bring up that they want to POJA something on the list because they have decided they are not enthusiastic about a particular boundary anymore.

Can you say��.. BIG RED FLAG!

I've seen it over and over and over again ...... it's the main reason that BS�s still have this nagging feeling of a lack of trust or loyalty!

We don't get to POJA boundaries!

There can be no room for compromise on EP's. This is JUST COMPENSATION!

I don't agree with POJAing anything on a list of boundaries. They are Extraordinary because the affairs make it necessary to go to extraordinary measures in order for the BS to feel protected and able to extend a level of trust. Give the wayward an inch and they WILL take a mile.


Allowing POJA as an escape clause from boundaries is the same as having a fenced in yard with a two foot gapping hole left in it - on purpose.

Defeats the whole purpose of the fence!

When either of you find EP's to inconvenient then you've not Affair-Proofed your marriage..... You've compromised! The wayward has already compromised the marriage enough, don't ya think!

Pre A, I traveled alone, often.... I now explain that I can't! It's that simple....
I used to have luncheons without other men present.... Now I NEVER do! I don't apologize for that either. If necessary, I just explain that my marriage is important enough for me to have this boundary.

When should we trust the WS again?


As was explained to me...

You shouldn't!

But, conditions can be created (in the form of EP's) that allow the BS to feel a level of trust enough to remain in the marriage.

EP's are just one small step in the process of restoring "Marital Love".


In my short time on the MB forums, I've seen that without EP's, the marriage will limp along indefinitely and PTSD will linger as well.

These are excellent!

Excellent thread, tst! Dr Harley agrees with you that boundaries are NOT negotiable. He wrote this to a BS over on the weekend forum:

Well done

Great points already. I would also, if I may, like to point out the absolute importance of understanding your own EPs.

As Steve Harley phrased it to me, you need to understand why the affair happened in order to prevent anything close to it in the future.

So for those (F)WS's that might think copying and pasting a "set" list of EPs will do the trick, you are sorely mistaken. Understand the ENs that were being met w/ the affair and include EPs in your list that prevent anyone other than your spouse meeting those again.

His list is very comprehensive and applicable to all because it protects spouses from having ANY of their intimate emotional needs met by members of the opposite sex. For example, lets say that a WS was attracted to the affair partner because of sex. That doesn't mean he should allow one to meet his need for conversation and affection.

Like Dr Harley says, as soon as one need is met outside of marrriage, the others are soon to follow. So it doesn't matter WHAT need was met in the affair, because no emotional need should be met outside of marriage.

I agree, Mel, and certainly didn't mean to suggest tst's list was inadequate. This is a thought that has bothered me off and on, though, in that it seems (F)WSs are told to write up a list of EPs w/o that adjoining advice that they should have a clue why those particular EPs are important.


This is (of course) spot on. And I don't think it's limited to intimate ENs, right? Example: FC is hugely important to me. I realize that if someone starts praising my kids, is impressed by or establishes some rapport with them, I automatically think better of them. If I allow this to happen when it is some man, then I am already putting my M, my spouse, myself at risk.

I just think the self-awareness is important, and the clear understanding by the (F)WS that if they merely copy a list of EPs that doesn't guarantee their success.

It pretty much guarantees their success if they follow it to the letter.

Thanks Mrs. V.

I would agree with your point. It is vital to recovery that we recognise the holes in our boundaries that led to our adultery and plug those holes immediately.

In "Surviving An Affair", Dr. Harley recognises that, "An affair is not only extremely destructive to a marriage, but it is also extremely difficult to end".

If a wayward waits until they know the "why's" of their affair before reinforcing NC with EP's, the A is likely to reignite again.

The "understanding" and the "why's" will follow the actions.

Most WS's don't list out these EP's. Nor do the think they are really necessary.

As Dr. H says, "they feel they have themselves uder control, and these EP's are unnecessary. Sometimes they insist on a trial period where their committment can be tested. But a trial period is just an opportunity for the affair to reignite".

Dr. H goes on to say, "These(EP's)are not a punishment for unfaithfulness; they are crucial building blocks that form the foundation for a strong marital recovery".


Quotes taken from SAA, pgs. 59-65

Mrs. V. what were some of your EP's that are not mentioned in my list of suggestions. I'm hoping you and others give some examples of your own EP's and add them on this thread as well.

I've had one FWS that I helped through this list that took photo's w/ his cell phone every 10 to 15 minutes, anytime he was away from his wife, to verify he was where he said he was.

I know of another that carried an open mic on his cell line that was connected to his wifes cell line (don't ask me how it worked?) anytime he was away. She wantred to be able to hear ALL conversations he had.....

Everyone has a different level of EP's necessary that are there to protect their spouse and to allow them feel safe again.

This is an excellent distinction!