I recently read this:



Just say

Dr Harley encourages us to complain about our spouse TO OUR SPOUSE, in a non-love busting way, of course.

If we are trying to work on our marriage, and we are not currently dealing with an active adultery situation, we NEED to develop the skills of communicating our likes/dislikes/Un met needs/ etc .... TO OUR SPOUSE!

Furthermore, we need to develop the listening skills of communication by becoming not only tolerant but GRACIOUS when our spouse complains about us TO US.

I think one of the bigger roadblocks to true recovery is CONFLICT AVOIDANCE.

Complaining about our spouse to a friend instead of to our spouse is a huge chicken chit conflict avoidance technique.

Just say

OK

Responding to myself ....

Does anyone have any recall of any post I've made on MB where I bad mouth my husband?

I don't.
He is not perfect.
He is as flawed as I.

However, I never disrespect him by hanging his dirty laundry out for ridicule.
If his laundry is smelly, I discuss it with HIM.

It's called RADICAL HONESTY people.
And it is followed by POJA.

Please remember, you cannot POJA without honesty.

Thanks for reading ....

Thanks, Pep! I've always thought of complaints about our spouse to a friend as disrespectful and even an attack on the marriage, but I've never before realized it was a conflict avoidance technique. Of course, I never realized before MB how important it was to make complaints to our spouse.

Are there any good threads out there about conflict avoidance and why it is such a problem? (If not, could you start one!) I've seen some good threads encouraging people not to be conflict avoiders, but haven't yet seen any discussing exactly why it is such a big issue. I can sort of see why, but it'd be more helpful to have some vets offer specific words on the subject so I can think about it explicitly.

ok, I might have done this to my hubby over on the weekend forum. Dr Harley basically said "knock it off!"

BUT....BUT....

I am just VENTING <snort>.

This is another one of those catch phrases that is so overused....much like "closure".

committed

2004 thread about CA , conflict avoidance.
Otherwise known as being lazy in the marriage.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1232134#Post1232134


There may be other threads as well, but I am too LAZY to search for them!

Mel, in my experience, the premiere PhD conflict avoiders are adult children of alcoholics.

You learn it as a child in order to survive.
Then, as a married adult you are asked to Un-learn years of training by natural selection.

Therefore

"Hey, CUT THAT OUT", is pretty much all you need to know.

Ah, that explains it pretty succinctly!

I am the Queen of doing this, and I know it. Someday, when we learn some freaking skills, I would love to report that it no longer happens. I want it to be like this!

The most difficult conflict to deal directly with is, the conflict encountered with intimacy.


Intimacy grows as a result of PROPERLY handled conflict.

Intimacy SUFFERS as a result of conflict avoidance.

Think about it.

And talking to friends about any gripes I may have against my H is going to lessen our intimacy.

You know I'm right, don't you?
But, it is scary sometimes to take that leap.

It's like being naked in front of your spouse.
Only, we are talking about being emotionally naked.

It's major.

Someday?
Are you willing to allow the destruction, putting off until "someday"?

Like Mel said that Dr H said ....




KNOCK IT OFF

Somehow that did not work on me!



I can understand and appreciate "knock it off!!"

My mother was a conflict avoider and I have a strong aversion to them. I saw how damaging it was to our family. Essentially, she ENABLED my father to destroy our family and didn't lift a finger to protect us.

ohhhhhhh crap.......


yes mame..........again........

Dangit Pep......I had a rough enough week without needing any lessons about ME......

back to the learnin' board I go.....

Not

ps....thank you

I sometimes make a choice to avoid conflict in situations that are not of great importance to me. Even on this forum, I avoid certain characters, because I don't see a need or a gain.
It's no big deal.

Engaging in conflict with a stranger is EASY.

Engaging in conflict with intimacy as a goal, is a whole 'nuther thang......

Guilty as charged. My thread was nothing BUT airing of dirty laundry for days on end until I started to work things out.

*never mind, I was going to justify but D'oh!

Signed,

Perfect Spouse

Au contraire

Interesting about the conflict avoiders are daughters of alcoholics. *Raises hand*.

My dad was the biggest conflict avoider I have ever met. He was a workaholic and an alcoholic, so he worked all day, then went to the bar most nights after work. My mom spent her entire 20some year marriage to him terribly neglected. Nothing worked. He refused counseling, he was happy with how things were, so what was HER problem. Terrible. I grew up thinking my mom was an over emotional nag because she was the one speaking up, raising her voice, crying, begging, pleading and my dad never said anything in response. Then it would be silent in my house for 2 solid months, neither speaking to the other. Then they would make up, it would be great for a couple of weeks, then back to the yelling, the silent treatment, etc... I always thought my dad was the "right" one because he never yelled at my mom, never engaged. It was not until I was 20 that I figured it out, when I met my ex H. I knew I did NOT want a M like they had. A H that ignored the W, a W that yells to get her way.

I do not yell. Since I viewed my dad as the stable one, I took on his traits, not my moms. Conflict avoidance and withdrawal were my ways of coping. It did not work out well for me, being that my ex H and I divorced, and I put all of the blame on him. I ended up just like my father. Blech.

Insert H now and he is just like my father. Karma?

You were in crisis.
GM was completely nuts at the time.
You got right up in HIS face with your complaints.
Not just on the forum.

Big difference!