Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 4 1 2 3 4
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 151
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 151
To catch you up to two years ago go here:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/u...161#Post2163161

and read my very first post and my last two posts.

Since then I am in the military so I linked this post in that forum to helpfully get help from both groups.

Now let me catch you up to today. My wife and I did Marriage Builders Strong for about 5 months. We were slow at getting through the lessons but we were consistent on 15 hours a week. We made it through Sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, financial support, domestic supportand physical attractiveness.

In February of 09 she decided to join the National Guard. She wanted to be able to get a degree and become a nurse. I was a little apprehensive at first but after a lot of conversation I supported her 100%. Doing Marriage Builders slowly trailed off but putting what we had learned into action did not. I became a better father, companion and lover. Her top 5 needs are physical attractiveness, recreational companionship, domestic support, financial support, and family commitment. I could tell you 10-15 ways that I made those a priority in my life. We got closer and our family improved greatly. One of the biggest changes I made was weight loss. To date I have lost 100lbs!!!

I think Marriage Builders trailed off because of all the activities we had our three kids doing, but also because we turned to the mode of getting ready for her to go to basic training. But we will still making deposits and things were improving. Love busters were always a minor issue but they became almost non existent.

She went to basic training and I was very supportive. I wrote her everyday and put a tremendous effort into her letters. I decorated the envelopes, put in pictures and worte letters of the fun things that had happened that day and the things I had done with the kids. She said her whole company really say how much she was loved and cared for. She returned from basic in Dec 09 and things continued to go well.

** An interjection in the timeline that may be important to the whole picture. She found out that her dad had an affair of 23 years the day of Christmas. He saw her on the weekends for all that time. In addition he was never really a father to her.

In Mar '10 I joined the National Guard. I was finally down to a weight that would allow me to join and I got a job as a 12m, firefighter. That was huge deposits for her! That was what I had always wanted to be and what she had always wanted to marry. Now we had to get ready for me to ship to basic training which was a bigger task. WE had to get the house ready to rent and move into my parents house. In July '10 it was myself and my wife and three kids in one small bedroom, but everyone was happy and excited. This was a big step for a family but it was a dream that we all wanted to be a dual military family, both finish college and have the jobs we both dreamed of.

And here is where the bad part starts. June '10 she went to her 2 week Annual training and when she came back something was off. We went on a camping trip right away and it was like she didnt even want spend anytime with me. Her friend came along and they would talk like it was non-existent. After the trip we talked and she said it was hard for her to adjust back to domestic life after military life. And about mid July her affection became a lot better which was one of my needs we communicated through the issue and things seemed great.

3 days before shipping to training I found out she had sent over 700 text to a another soldier in her unit over the month of July. I immediately confronted her and she was remorseful and felt terrible. She said that since she had found out about her dads affair that she was desiring the attention of other men. She apologized said she loved me and immediately send him a text cutting off all contact. She was open and honest and willing to go to counseling and willing to work on her issues while I was at Basic training. I was little apprenhensive about leaving but I had prayed before I confronted her that I wanted her to say and do certain things and she did those without even hesitating. She even wanted to move closer to my AIT so she could see me on the weekends. I was still a little apprehensive but felt much better about shipping.

During basic something was off she didnt write me often and the letters were void of much love and affection. But i did had cute affectionate text messages on my phone and FB. Fast forward to two weeks before graduation, we got a 5 min phone call and she admitted to having an affair and she didnt want to be married anymore.

I will try to condense this as best as I can because I could write a novel as needed. Both WW and OM are soldiers, he actually came to my "Last Hurrah." Her following reasons for wanting a divorce are no passion, and that she had messed it up and it can never be fixed. One conversation she got mean and said she has never wanted to be married.

It gets complex but I have or she has exposed to everyone. Even the kids know and said some honest truths to her "Dont you remember the day you said I Do and the commitment you made" and "How could you do this to Daddy he didnt do this to you while you were gone". I have let her chain of command know and disciplinary action is pending for both of them. They are in the same unit and it is not the same guy she texted in July.

I am still in training in Texas. I am writing here for help. I dont have much hope. I pray for her and talk to her regularly, she even lets me read Purpose Driven Life to her. I believe she has turned her back on her faith you can see it in her face.

I dont know anymore I can do. There is a no contact order issued but I think she is secretly seeing him and definitely still "loves" him, she says she still wants to be with him. He left for training and my mom said she cried all day. OM leaves for Afghanistan in December but there is about 14 days in Dec that they will be in proximity to get together.

There is a lot more details and I can fill in as needed. Any help/advice/encouragement is greatly appreciated. Thank you to everyone in the community and all the help they provide.

Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 1,164
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 1,164
Just to save the vets some time, here's the signature summary of BFR's first thread:

3 kids now 10, 9, and 7

D-Day #1 8/12/08 EA


Me - 44
DW - 39
Married 16 years
DS10
DS6
DD4
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 151
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 151
Thank you

D-Day #2 10/2/10 PA

Me 30 - Soldier 12m, Firefighter
WW 30 - Soldier 31b, Military Police
OM 24 or 25 - Soldier 31b, Military Police

Last edited by Bigfatredhead; 11/04/10 10:36 PM.
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
Sorry to hear this, Bigred. I remember you and your story. Your W was not willing to institute EPs, is that right? I seem to recall she met her OM on a gaming site and she wouldn't give the online gaming up...

I am not stating this so much for you, but for any lurkers, this is why EPs are soooooo necessary! It sounds like you did a great job with learning how to meet her ENs, but if the WS is unwilling to change the way they interact with members of the opposite sex, they are at high risk for another affair.

Sorry again, Red...


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 1,164
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 1,164
Actually it's PA for physical affair.

The guy she sent 700 texts to in July was an EA so he's OM2 with D-Day #2.

Last edited by bitbucket; 11/04/10 10:39 PM. Reason: re-read original post

Me - 44
DW - 39
Married 16 years
DS10
DS6
DD4
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 151
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 151
She did give up the gaming so that EP was handled.

She has now said that she realizes how she sought male attention our whole marriage and gave herself emotionally to other men.

So joining the military just put her is a place where women get unlimited attention from the opposite sex. It wasnt an issue in basic but it was so controlled but I dont think she could handle the amount of attention she got at her Annual Training.

Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 151
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 151
Originally Posted By: bitbucket
Actually it's PA for physical affair.

The guy she sent 700 texts to in July was an EA so he's OM2 with D-Day #2.


Ouch didnt realize that.

D-Day #2 7/28/10 EA OM#2

D-Day #3 10/2/10 EA OM#3

D-Day #4 10/2/10 PA OM#4 - this is the man she is still in a Fog about.

She told me about #3 at the same time as #4 but said nothing physical happened. From evidence gathered #3 and #4 started immediately after I left for Basic Training.

She has also told me there has been many minor EAs through out our marriage.

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Just so I'm clear - she's currently not in contact with any of these guys, right?

What is the policy in the National Guard for cases like this?

I may not be able to help you as well as other posters who are more familiar with the military. But it sounds like your WW has a high need for attention and admiration, and has placed herself in a position where she can get plenty of it.

Have you considered going to Plan B?


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
I am sorry but I need to add what my husband wheels said if I EVER EVER do this to him again....

"I will divorce you, and there is NO WAY in H*ll I'm letting you back in my life"

That is the decision you need to make.

Are you really deciding to reconcile AGAIN?

Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 151
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 151
Originally Posted By: maritalbliss
Just so I'm clear - she's currently not in contact with any of these guys, right?

What is the policy in the National Guard for cases like this?

I may not be able to help you as well as other posters who are more familiar with the military. But it sounds like your WW has a high need for attention and admiration, and has placed herself in a position where she can get plenty of it.

Have you considered going to Plan B?


I think she is secretly in contact with OM#4 there is weird FB texts on our cell phone records but no activity on her account. You can set up FB so you can private message through text messages. She continued to see him after she told me and when he is around she will probably try to see him. No really way I can tell from 1000+ miles away.

Currently he is at training he will be home for 14 days in December and I will still be here. Then he is going to Afghanistan for 9 months.

So far all the National Guard has done is issue a no contact order. There may be more disciplinary action to follow but the Army is slow at these things. Adultery is a punishable offense under UCMJ but it is hard to prove even with her admission, they need proof.

I read some stuff on Plan B and with as complex as my situation is with me being training I am not sure if it is the best plan of attack. She already has divorce papers drafted (Her mother works for a family law attorney). I don't see the advantages to instituting it.

Last edited by Bigfatredhead; 11/05/10 12:02 PM.
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Are you making copies of everything you've seen - the texts, etc? Make sure you're getting copies of those and are keeping them in a safe place.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 151
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 151
Originally Posted By: SapphireReturns
I am sorry but I need to add what my husband wheels said if I EVER EVER do this to him again....

"I will divorce you, and there is NO WAY in H*ll I'm letting you back in my life"

That is the decision you need to make.

Are you really deciding to reconcile AGAIN?


While I do believe this is the one instance that the Bible allows for divorce. It allows it because of the hardness of our hearts. I don't have a hard heart towards her. It is broken and I am upset but I believe the relationship can be healed.

I believe that it can be healed because this is just symptoms of what has happened all along. There was never a true recovery. And at some point when she is out of the fog and withdrawal (which I hope happens because he will be gone) she may realize that she is at the bottom and we can finally recovery properly. I think she was in denial about how serious a problem her first EA was.

Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 151
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 151
Originally Posted By: maritalbliss
Are you making copies of everything you've seen - the texts, etc? Make sure you're getting copies of those and are keeping them in a safe place.


I can just see the numbers back and forth on our cell phone record. I don't know what is actually being said it is just an assumption that it is conversations with him.

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Make sure you're keeping hard copies of those records.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: May 2007
Posts: 2,531
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 2,531
I remember you BFRH and I'm so sad you are back. Regarding this:
Originally Posted By: Bigfatredhead

I read some stuff on Plan B and with as complex as my situation is with me being training I am not sure if it is the best plan of attack. She already has divorce papers drafted (Her mother works for a family law attorney). I don't see the advantages to instituting it.


I think Plan B is all you've got left as far as a plan of attack. You've Plan A'd and you've done it well. Plan A usually doesn't work on it's own but rather as a set-up for a successful Plan B. You've already done everything else in MB. I believe this is all that's left.

Consider this: your marriage is about to end. She is a serial cheater in an active affair, already filing divorce papers. The process has begun and you are already headed down that path. You are between a rock and a hard place. If you don't stop the affair, this is going to tear you into a million pieces before it's over.

Plan B has been shown to be effective at stopping affairs. But you have to do it right - absolute complete darkness with no contact whatsoever in any way, shape or form. You understand MB concepts very well - you should be able to grasp this too.

Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
Originally Posted By: Bigfatredhead
She did give up the gaming so that EP was handled.

She has now said that she realizes how she sought male attention our whole marriage and gave herself emotionally to other men.

So joining the military just put her is a place where women get unlimited attention from the opposite sex. It wasnt an issue in basic but it was so controlled but I dont think she could handle the amount of attention she got at her Annual Training.

So what other EPs DID she implement? Any??

You are making excuses for her -- the problem isn't the military but her weak boundaries and failure to protect the M.

I do not think you will ever be safe with her ~ like Tabby said, she sounds like a serial cheater. At the very least do not attempt it without her fully acknowledging that she has no boundaries and must radically change the way that she interacts with men and develop a very detailed written EP plan, obviously she would have to leave the military.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 151
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 151
Originally Posted By: SusieQ
Originally Posted By: Bigfatredhead
She did give up the gaming so that EP was handled.

She has now said that she realizes how she sought male attention our whole marriage and gave herself emotionally to other men.

So joining the military just put her is a place where women get unlimited attention from the opposite sex. It wasnt an issue in basic but it was so controlled but I dont think she could handle the amount of attention she got at her Annual Training.

So what other EPs DID she implement? Any??

You are making excuses for her -- the problem isn't the military but her weak boundaries and failure to protect the M.

I do not think you will ever be safe with her ~ like Tabby said, she sounds like a serial cheater. At the very least do not attempt it without her fully acknowledging that she has no boundaries and must radically change the way that she interacts with men and develop a very detailed written EP plan, obviously she would have to leave the military.


I totally agree I know the Army isnt the problem it just let her continue her behavior. I just didnt know it was going on I thought it was confined to OM #1. So I didn't seen any other needs for EP until OM #2 but I was leaving for basic. She agreed to counseling and instantly cut off that relationship with OM #2. I could have asked her to do more but with leaving for basic I didnt know what else to do.

And there will def have to be a lot of changes if she wants to come back. A part of her knows that and I know that is one of the reasons she is making her choices.

I hope I am not making excuses this is 100% her fault and I know all the things she needs to do if she wants to come back. I am just looking for guidance if there is anything I can do from this point and also insight into how we got here. Because I became an EN meeting champ!

Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 151
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 151
Originally Posted By: Tabby1
I remember you BFRH and I'm so sad you are back. Regarding this:

I think Plan B is all you've got left as far as a plan of attack. You've Plan A'd and you've done it well. Plan A usually doesn't work on it's own but rather as a set-up for a successful Plan B. You've already done everything else in MB. I believe this is all that's left.

Consider this: your marriage is about to end. She is a serial cheater in an active affair, already filing divorce papers. The process has begun and you are already headed down that path. You are between a rock and a hard place. If you don't stop the affair, this is going to tear you into a million pieces before it's over.

Plan B has been shown to be effective at stopping affairs. But you have to do it right - absolute complete darkness with no contact whatsoever in any way, shape or form. You understand MB concepts very well - you should be able to grasp this too.



This weekend is for praying and reading up on Plan B

Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 151
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 151
I think I have been doing Plan A for two years...we never even read SAA with our packet. I didn't think it was necessary because she agreed to NC. Big mistake.

Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 151
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 151
Originally Posted By: maritalbliss
Make sure you're keeping hard copies of those records.



Not sure why I would need to do that Cali is a no fault state.

Page 1 of 4 1 2 3 4

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 39 guests, and 79 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mwid, Shepherd, alg, Pelican89, SRL
71,672 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,525
Posts2,322,541
Members71,672
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5