This is my first post but I have been reading lots of posting in this forum as well as trying to educate myself on His Needs, Her Needs, Lover Busters, and Surviving an Affair.

My wife and I have been married for 9 years. We have 3 children and have had a cycle of on again off again romance for the last 4 years. In the beginning we would go to a counselor for a few sessions then usually stop going because things were getting better again or we did not like the counselor�s style.

In July of 2009 she said she wanted a separation but after a day decided to try it again. By March of 2010 she had said she wanted a separation again and this time took the kids to stay at her mom�s house for a week. She took her ring off, set up a new secret e-mail account, changed her facebook status and started sending sexual text messages to multiple men that she worked with. We continued to live together, eventually found our way back to counseling and a program called Retrouville, and after a few months she put her ring back on, changed her facebook status back to married, and removed the male �friends� from her phone. We took our first family vacation with the kids and had a great time. From July-October of this year I thought we were building a new relationship.

In October she had started talking to different male friends that she told me about and assured me that they were just friends. When I looked at the phone bill and noticed that we had text each other 100 times in 1 week and her and one of the male friends had text over 300 times in 1 week I brought my concern to her. My concern is that she was not having a PA but was in an EA with the friend that she was sending all of the tests to.

That was when she said that she has been lonely and wants a divorce. She has always been the one to push for separation or divorce (in the last 4 years her closest female friends from work have all gotten divorces) and I have always tried to push for counseling or sticking it out for the kids. I found a facebook conversation with another male co-worker where they described a sexual encounter describing what they would like to do to each other, at the end of the message she said she touched herself during the conversation and thanked him for releasing the sexual tension.

Between the large amount of text messages with the new male friends, and the facebook conversation I decided that this time I would not fight her to stay together, we agreed to go to mediation.

The night before our mediation appointment she had gone to a work function and came home at 1:30 am with the assistance of a female co-worker. She passed out on the living room floor where I could not move her so I helped her get into pajamas, got her a bucket and blanket and sat watch over her. When her phone went off at 2am curiosity got the best of me. I looked at her phone and saw messages to a different male friend from work that she text earlier in the evening advertizing that she was wearing no panties for him, she was all his, and asking him to meet her for the evening. His response to meeting her was that he would not because she was making out with someone else at the party and she was too drunk to realize it and she should go home and sleep her drunk off.

The next morning she text me thanking me for taking care of her, apologizing for being an alcoholic (undiagnosed, but with a family history of it), and said that she had never slept with this guy or any other guy because no one wants her.

At our mediation appointment the counselor convinced us to try 10 sessions of marital therapy before mediation and talked about love bank deposits, love busters, and rebuilding love. When I looked at his web site I noticed links here and started my research.

She said that she would stop talking to these other men, but within 2 days had resumed a vigorous texting schedule with the EA. The days after our first session with the counselor she started to back away more and more and eventually said that I was making her uncomfortable by trying to schedule time to talk with each other. The counselor said my fear and anxiety were getting in the way of my patience.

Last night she went to her work Christmas party where I knew the EA would be. She came home at 6 am this morning and said she was at a female friend�s house because her female friend had drunk too much. She had no remorse this time for coming home at 6am and I am almost convinced that she was with the EA and perhaps it has finally turned into a PA.

We have not been intimate with each other in the last month, and she avoids any and all contact including hugs. She has never admitted to a PA or EA with anyone but has a long history of sexual texting/e-mailing to different men, usually co-workers. I always thought it was an attention thing because even when things were good with my wife and I she has always needed a lot of attention.

We have gone to 2/10 of the sessions with the therapist, and I have done some research on Plan A, Plan B. My questions is can Plan A/Plan B work in a situation like mine where there is not just 1 PA/EA but rather a history of multiple PA/EA over many years.

After living through a possible PA/EA this spring with 1 or more men and we reconciled I don�t know if I have the strength to carry out Plan A / Plan B knowing that there are possibly multiple PA/EA occurring again. Friends and family that have been along for the ride say its time to get out.

But, you didn't reconcile. You went back to business as usual, and the conditions needed for your WW's affairs never changed.

I would suggest you order Surviving an Affair from this website. Your WW is a serial adulter and has had plenty of time to develop her skills. This needs to end.

My first suggestion would be to get her out of that job and away from these men.

Thanks for your quick response.

WW is a nurse.

To be honest with you I do not know if on our best day she would ever agree to a new job. At this point she is 100% agressive when I attempt to talk about us or the future. Our counselor has said that she will need to stop the friendship if she ever wants to save her marriage but she cant do that until she is ready. Any advice for getting WW out of job when she would never leave on her own, and almost all of her friends/co-workers have or are having affairs or getting divorces?

I believe you that she is an alcoholic and there is nothing you can do except file for divorce and go into a dark Plan B. [end all contact with her] I am an alcoholic with 26 years sobriety and before I read your comment above, I thought to myself "she is one of us!"

Plan A will never work with an alcoholic because it is impossible to meet her needs. She does not have normal emotions like a normal person. She will use Plan A to exploit and abuse you.

She is very dangerous to you and your children and it is a good thing you don't sleep wtih her. She likely has STDs. I would go to full boat protect mode, file for divorce [with grounds if you can], get full custody of your children [with supervised visitation] and possession of your home. Get her to move out. Ask her first to move out willingly and if she won't, then get her out legally.

She will get worse, not better, I am sorry to say.

LOL.

A job is no excuse to wreck your marriage, even more so for an experienced RN.

She would never leave? Heh, then she doesn't want to be married.

Additionally, for nurses to engage in such unethical behavior is even more disgusting. Depending on who they engage in these behaviors with, it may even threaten their license.

Quick update WS just called me to say she was not honest with me this morning. She said that she was not at the friend she told me about first but rather went to another girl friend�s apartment with 3 other women.

She said she knows that part of the therapy is being transparent and that she apologizes for not being that way this morning. She seemed truly remorseful this time. Does this sound like a lie to cover a lie? If so what is the point the friend she told me she was with first is her best friend and in a very nasty divorce right now and a much better cover.

You are wasting your time, Sir. She is not even a good bullshi**er.

Are you serious? Your wife, who clearly doesn't have any boundaries with men, was out until 6am and you are going to believe this garbage? She probably got into a fight with the first friend and knows that she won't cover for her so she changed her story to others that have agreed to conceal the crime. Like Mel said....it's a waste of time to even consider this. She's lying through her teeth and deep down you know that is true.

You must address the alcoholism first. Nothing else you do will matter one bit until that is addressed. If she won't get serious about addressing the alcoholism then you need to get out of the marriage until she does.

Cold. Hard. Truth.

I am going to tell that I am going to need to keep coming back here. Friends and family can tell me to GTFO and I still find excuses to believe her or want to believe her.

Even reading some of the advice here I want to think "Surely every single affair can not be the same". I have purchased Surviving an Affair and look forward to reading it to gain a better understanding of what to do. I have always thought that I can save this woman, but everyone agrees that she can only save herself and only if she wants to. By rescuing her every single time she falls she has grown to hate me.

Thank you for the honest feedback, as much as those that come to this board in my position don't want to hear it, years of covering the truth or convincing yourself to believe the lies makes it hard to see through this.

Yes, but even you don't really believe the lies. You just tell yourself you do because you want to believe them. But it doesn't really work, does it? You see right through her and you see right through yourself. Its pretty bad when you can't believe your own bullcrap, isn't it?

Every affair is different, but the actions of the waywards seem to come from the same exact script! Same fog speak, rewriting of history, justifications, actions, and responses.

I would do what mel says, on top of that you may as well start exposing her and her ways to her family, your family, her friends, and especially her work and anyone associated with the OM(s). At the same time start consulting with a lawyer to find the best course of action to divorce, but keep that there on the back burner until you are retty to divorce. Prepare a plan B letter and let her know that she is not welcomed back until she fixes her partying ways (alcoholism), she never has any man friends again, and she makes no contact with any of the OM(s) again.

Notice that these are really hard cansequences for her actions that she has brought on herself. Being an alcoholic they wont effect her at all. Her alcoholism/adultery prevents her from seeing any type of logic other than a way to get the next buzz.

i would skip the carrot of plan A and go straight to the stick, and the plan B.

Came home from work yesterday and WW meets me at the door...says I need to see you in the kitchen. I follow her, she hugs me for 5 min, then squeezes my hand and smiles at me all night long. At counseling 3 days earlier she said that she was uncomfortable in her own home because I was always on top of her. Then yesterday she asked me if I would just lay with her and hold her. She said she doesn't want me to jump to any conclusions but that she really wants to be near me. She said she enjoyed being in my arms but couldn't promise that tomorrow she won't get scarred and back away again.

All night long she is hugging me, telling me how we need to learn to be everything for each other. She asked me to tuck her in the guest bed and fell quickly asleep. This morning before she left for work she hugged me goodbye twice, kissed me on the cheek, and said that she really wants to be a house wife.

We go to counseling next in 3 days. The counselor said my impatience and anxiety is getting in the way of my patience. I have just started reading the basic concepts, but I understand the WS is typically addicted to the OP. After the show of affection last night and this morning and hearing all of the right things I feel like I am addicted to my WW. The advice here has been to jump to plan B. Does it make sense to work with the counselor that is familiar with HNHN & LB for the next 8 sessions before doing plan B. If so, any suggestions on what I need to say/bring up or how to set my mind to protect my sanity?

Plan A is not appropriate with an alcoholic and it is a waste of time to go to counseling with an alcoholic. But, your counselor knows this already. Don't waste your time until your wife goes to AA and stops drinking.

Alcoholic Spouse

Melody I appreciate you response. I am not sure that our counselor knows about my WW addiction. In fact I have a hard time calling it alcoholism. 9/10 she does not drink or drinks responsibly. She will every once in a while drink beyond reason and her judgement defiantly suffers from it. The only reason I am aware of her problem is because she has said that she thinks about a drink as soon as she wakes up in the morning and it is with her all day long, she just usually does not indulge herself.

When I told our previous counselor that we went to for 6 months about WW problem she said she had no idea WW had a problem with alcohol. If my first step with the new counselor to mention the problem?

As always, thank you.

Eaonar, many counselors are not well trained in alcoholism. I would suggest you go, instead, to Alanon. Counselors come to AA for their own drinking problems. I wish you the best, friend.

Almost without fail, the spouses of alcoholics are the dearest, kindest, most giving people. And they are often the last people to see the train headed their way because they just cannot fathom the level of deceit and selfishness of their spouse. It makes me so sad.

Eonor, I see your hope but I also see what you are dealing with. You are way too nice of a guy to have to deal with this.

Eonar, I am NOT an alcoholic and I think about a drink...hmmmm pretty close to NEVER. I think that it IS very telling that your WW thinks about drinking from the moment she gets up and until she goes to sleep. Just because she doesn't drink that day DOESN'T mean that she DOESN'T have a problem. Just my 2 cents.

Exactly. Normal people don't obsess about booze. Only alcoholics do.

I appreciate the kind words. Every time we have had marital issues in the past... and i do not always think there has been OM, just issues I usually take the blame for it. I just read an old e-mail I sent her 2 years ago apologizing about questioning her for hiding a male friend in her phone under a female's name. Every 6-9 months I would question her about talking to him or some other guy in excess and it would get turned around on me as an invasion of her privacy. When I would question her about an inappropriate e-mail she would change her password and say that I should mind my own business, he is just a friend. If I listened to her better, or paid more attention to her then she wouldn't have to have friends like that. I have heard it so often and so long that I really believed it.

I still love this woman, we have great kids, and brief moments of what seem like happiness... I know that I need to stop being a door mat and that I can not save her. I am having a hard time thinking about going against the counselor, and I can not even imagine the exposure piece, especially with our children and her family...hell most my family already knows, and her friends at work all engage in the same behavior.