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#2482787 - 02/28/11 10:45 AM How to Plan B CORRECTLY
MarriedForever Offline

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 3490
This is for those who need to go into Plan B and need quick, concise instructions. There is a lot of confusion on how to go into Plan B and what a correct Plan B actually looks like.

~Do not go into Plan B quickly. It takes time to prep for Plan B. I went into Plan B in about 48 hours from the time I discovered we had been in a false recovery, and that’s really the quickest you can expect to be able to do this and do a good job of getting all of your ducks in a row. Except for eating and sleeping, I worked on getting ready for Plan B for those whole 48 hours, too. Prepping for Plan B is CRUCIAL and it takes a lot of TIME. Do not skimp on your planning otherwise it will backfire on you. Once you give that PBL to your WS, you want to be able to stay completely dark.

~DO NOT worry about where the WS is going to live or how he/she is going to pay for it. This is not the BS’s problem. A WS should never be shielded from the consequences of their affair, and this is indeed a consequence. Only worry about yourself and your children at this point. If the WS was able to carry on in an affair all by him/herself, he/she can certainly figure this out. You have enough to worry about.

~Find an IM. There is no substitute for this. Do not underestimate the importance of an IM. Do not think “only” text messages or “only” emails are acceptable. They aren’t. YOU MUST FIND AN IM. It can be a family member, a friend or (best bet) someone from MB. A CLOSE family member (parent or in-law) isn’t recommended ~ they are usually not able to stay neutral enough and if you get into recovery this could be difficult.

~An IM’s sole purpose is to be a SPAM FILTER (Steve Harley’s words), allowing only communication that fits the boundaries set forth in Plan B (i.e., regarding children and finances ONLY). It’s usually recommended that most of the communicating be done via email, that way everything is in writing. Phone calls and text messages are permissible but most find emailing easiest. My IM re-wrote emails between us in her own words in order to avoid any emotional tones/responses.

They do not share any other info the WS sends, regardless of how benign the content. ONLY pertinent info is to be sent through to the BS. The IM is also not to share any info about the BS with the WS. Pertinent info about children and finances only should be passed back and forth.

The IM is to remain neutral...just a messenger sending info on, no reactions.

If the WS sends something inappropriate, the IM is to thank the WS for the communication, but let the WS know it will not be shared with the BS and refer the WS back to the PBL.

If the WS tries to contact the BS in any way, the IM is to tell the WS that the BS has not opened/listened to whatever it is, and the IM is to refer the WS back to the IM for all communication.

~This is very important so that the WS cannot come back into the marital home whenever he/she pleases. I called a locksmith out at about 10:00 pm on a Saturday night, he was very helpful. I didn’t have cash and didn’t want my WH to see on our credit card that I had called a locksmith, so he even followed me to a nearby grocery store to pull money out. He was very accommodating and seemed to understand that I was in trouble.

A second option instead of changing the locks is to simply put a deadbolt on any door to which the WS has a key. Also, if there is a garage door opener with a keypad, the keypad code needs to be changed. If you don’t have a keypad (only openers) and the WS has one, make sure to deadbolt/change the lock on the door between the garage and house. It is legal to change the locks on your own home, so do not be concerned about this.

~Write a “love letter” to your WS. Mention some particularly good memories the two of you have (vacations, special holiday traditions, silly moments).

Mention how hurt you are over the affair but that you are still willing to try to recover because of the love you have shared in the past. In one brief sentence state that you are not willing to do this until the A is over for good and that when it is, the WS is free to let the IM know and the IM can pass this info on to you.

Tell your WS that the pain is too great to be in contact with them while the A is continuing and because of that, you need to protect yourself.

Close the letter with “I love you and will be praying for you” or something similar.

Curtail the letter to your situation. This is a “love letter” so do not add any specifics on how PB will be carried out ~ those will go in an addendum to your PBL. It’s best if this letter is in your own handwriting rather than typed.

~In the addendum will be the logistics of how full NC between the BS and WS will be carried out. Here you will list the drop off and pick up points of children, who will be your IM, how the financial obligations will work. This is NOT part of your PBL, but it WILL be given to the WS when the PBL is delivered.

In the addendum you will also let the WS know that you have packed up all of THEIR personal belongings (no household items) and that the WS's boxes will be left __________ (on the front porch or driveway, second option would be a friend or family member's home) until ________ (usually 2-3 days from the time the letter is given). I packed up all of my H's belongings in about 30 minutes. This shouldn't take long.

IGNORE HIM/HER if it comes in the form of a phone call, email, text message, etc. Let the IM know and ask the IM to reiterate to the WS again that all contact MUST go through the IM.

If it’s in person, walk away. My H caught me in our garage one day, he was early picking the kids up and I was not yet locked in the safety of the house. He commented that he liked my new haircut. I smiled and quickly walked in the house. I did NOT talk to him or thank him for the compliment.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile

#2643386 - 07/07/12 10:41 PM Re: How to Plan B CORRECTLY [Re: MarriedForever]
Fireproof Offline

Registered: 10/11/08
Posts: 518

Intermediary Training School

Parallel Parenting in Plan B

Sample Plan B letter, from SAA (revised edition) pages 77-78:

My Dearest __________,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair possible. I foolishly pursued my goals without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me the most and we are now both suffering for my mistake. [Add your willingness to address other complaints that the unfaithful spouse may have communicated prior to the affair.]

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship once and for all. Living with you under these conditions has been the most painful experience of my life, and I can no longer endure it.

Until your affair ends, and you are willing to follow a plan of reconciliation with me, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. Our friends, ________, have agreed to help make arrangements for you to see our children on schedule that is mutually convenient. They will provide transportation. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through them.

I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you th is way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship, and I simply cannot be with you any longer knowing that you are together. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently end your relationship, follow precautions to avoid absolutely any contact with the other person, and join me in a plan to restore our relationship, I will be wiling to discuss our future together with you.

I hope that we will be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We can build a new lifestyle together in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never be a reason for us to be separated. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you to be my best friend.

I cared for you when we married and I continue to care for you right up to this day. But I cannot be with you or help you as long as you are in this relationship.

With all my love,

This letter should be delivered by your friends to the unfaithful spouse, and a copy sent to the lover with a note at the bottom saying:

I love ______ with all my heart and am willing to do whatever it takes to make her happy. I will wait for that chance.

Edited by Denali (10/17/16 07:24 PM)
Edit Reason: added Plan B Letter

#2645422 - 07/12/12 10:39 PM Re: How to Plan B CORRECTLY [Re: Fireproof]
Jedi_Knight Offline

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 11239
Loc: Another universe
Dr Harley recommended that I plan B after divorce.
Do I send a Plan B letter to my wife after divorce?

#2647794 - 07/19/12 01:39 PM Re: How to Plan B CORRECTLY [Re: Jedi_Knight]
Pepperband Offline

Registered: 10/20/00
Posts: 35996
Loc: Shrek's Swamp
Originally Posted By: HDW
Dr Harley recommended that I plan B after divorce.
Do I send a Plan B letter to my wife after divorce?

I would have your attorney construct a sort of Plan B letter to your EX-wife.

Very business like.
Stating how any NECESSARY business will be conducted without direct contact in the future.

#2675837 - 10/20/12 05:42 AM Re: How to Plan B CORRECTLY [Re: Pepperband]
indiegirl Offline

Registered: 06/04/11
Posts: 11114
Loc: UK
To add to this wonderful thread, a reminder about legal advice and protecting valuables and finances.

Waywards, even if they have previously been responsible in the past, are notoriously irresponsible in Plan B.

They will take your money and valuables.
They will not support you financially.

The first job is to be prepared to move all funds from joint accounts, and consider how to protect valuables and assets from a desperate wayward. Make a list of these concerns.

See a lawyer in the first instance with this list. Many offer a free consultation on your first trip.

Interview a few lawyers and make a choice of the best advice/best rates.

Tell them you will be separated for a period of time and you expect your spouse to be financially irresponsible during that time. Ask for a plan on how to best protect yourself, such as a separation agreement or filing for a D (you don't have to finalise the D).

With your legal advice in hand, protect your finances and valuables as well as you are able. Make sure you can support yourself through Plan B and that a child visitation schedule is set up, which your IM will enforce.

In my situation legal advice wasn't as vital because I earn my own salary and don't have children.

Nevertheless I went to see a lawyer straight away and discovered filing for a D would protect my stake in the marital assets, prevent him running up debts I would be liaible for and would also protect my credit rating.
What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

#2729761 - 05/23/13 01:20 PM Re: How to Plan B CORRECTLY [Re: indiegirl]
markos Offline

Registered: 01/24/10
Posts: 15465
Loc: Danville, Tri-State Area
Bumping for hatgirly.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 13 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.

#2730263 - 05/24/13 05:31 PM Re: How to Plan B CORRECTLY [Re: markos]
harry75 Offline

Registered: 04/13/13
Posts: 267
Thanks, markos.

#2792689 - 03/29/14 05:34 PM Re: How to Plan B CORRECTLY [Re: harry75]
BrainHurts Offline

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 19358
Loc: Moved to Uranus
How to know when to end Plan B?

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.

Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Revised Extraordinary Precautions-from Surviving an Affair
FWW/BW (me)
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.

#2793833 - 04/02/14 11:55 AM Re: How to Plan B CORRECTLY [Re: BrainHurts]
indiegirl Offline

Registered: 06/04/11
Posts: 11114
Loc: UK
I just want to add that the IM should be same sex, a relative - or a married couple. If a married couple don't speak to the husband if you are a wife or vice versa. You either speak with them together or with the same-sex half.

Don't speak one on one to a member of the opposite sex about your troubled marriage!

That's how your spouse got into an affair!

A Plan Ber would be tremendously vulnerable to an affectionate member of the opposite sex who would be looking after them in this role.

Good boundaries mean NOT making close, personal links and discussing intimate problems with members of the OS.
What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

#2855611 - 05/27/15 11:33 AM Re: How to Plan B CORRECTLY [Re: indiegirl]
PigletWiglet Offline

Registered: 09/19/14
Posts: 988
Hi All,

Indiegirl asked me to post about how to avoid 'passive contact" from the internet and/or social media while in Plan B. In my case, my WH and the OW are BIG social media uses. In fact, social media was the main avenue for communication that helped start their affair. In my case, the OW knew I was looking at her social media and would use it to taunt me directly.

It was important for me once I got into Plan B to cut off those avenues of knowing what they were up to, although it took a long time. So here is my advice for shutting down those avenues.

1) Exposure (especially internet exposure): Often times exposure itself gets the WS and OP to shut down social media, etc. In my case, the OW had just about every social media app known to man and with internet exposure she either closed or made private most of them. So for instance, she shut down tumblr, myspace (yes, myspace!!) and twitter. Then she made instagram private and facebook semi-private. This was good for me because instagram and tumblr were excruciatingly painful to me. She would write missives about "wanting him forever" and crazy stuff like that. WH made facebook semi-private but left instagram open.

2) DELETE your own social media: I highly recommend just out and out deleting your accounts. Not blocking. Not deactivating, but deleting. Why so drastic? Social media tools are highly addictive in and of themselves. It's way too easy to unblock someone or reactivate your account in a moment of weakness. I found that I did that a few times and then I finally made the decision to totally delete facebook. You can download your photos and notify your real friends that you are doing it before you do it. Like most addictive things, you'll find that you actually don't really miss it once it's gone.

2) BLOCK your own access to open social media: I also eventually had to block my own access to "open" social media. For example, I didn't have instagram, but there are about 5 million instagram webviewers, so you can view an open instagram account from any computer. Also, I had to resist the temptation to open a facebook "dummy" account. The best way for me to do this, was to download parental controls for my phone and web browser. For my ipohone, I disabled Safari and downloaded "web protect me" and for my PC, I downloaded 'Simple Blocker" for Chrome. For both of them, I blocked all the social media sites as well as WH's business web page, and blocked myself from searching OW's name (all that comes up is the internet exposures I put up. Then I had a FRIEND password protect the settings, so I couldn't undo it. Sometimes it blocks legitimate websites, but it's worth it.

4) Have a friend hold you accountable: This is a step I have not taken, but if I found myself slipping again or getting around the protections, I would put a keylogger on my own stuff and have a friend hold me accountable.

Not knowing ANYTHING about what they are doing is essential to healing. In an age of social media, that can be very difficult and they may try to rub it in your face. I was presented with an OW who is clearly a narcissist and wants everyone to know what she is doing at all times. It was essential that I protected myself from that level of abuse. If you find yourself faced with the same situation, please do what you can to cut yourself off from the social media addiction/knowing what they are up to addiction. It is not beneficial in the least.

Edited by PigletWiglet (05/27/15 11:36 AM)
Me: BW, 34
WH, 37
DD: 3
Married 5 years
DD: 4/21/14
Safely in Plan B: 12/21/14
Filed for Divorce: 4/4/15

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