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Posted by SusieQ, 11/20/11

Went to the state mandated parenting class for those who are divorcing recently. I wasn't looking forward to it because I assumed they would be force-feeding me coparenting information.

They instead talked about the spectrum, parallel parenting being on one end and interactive being on the other. They stressed how the most important thing is to keep conflict to a minimum for the children and that parallel parenting helps to achieve that for many parents and that as long as one parent wants it, the other parent should respect that and not try to force interactive parenting (in fact that will just escalate the conflict).

I wish I had known this earlier (that the state mandated parenting class basically supports Plan B) as my STBX and his lawyer have been all over my case because I will not communicate directly with him. My new lawyer got his lawyer to back off (she's really good!) but thought I would share some of the information they handed out in case anyone wants to share with friends/family (have taken some heat here too) or their lawyer.

****************************************************


Cooperative Parenting
Information based on "Parenting Apart" curriculum by Geri Furhmann, Psy.D. & Joseph McGill, MSW

Although the marital and social relationship with one's partner ends at the point of separation the parenting relationship does not. Developing a post-separation parenting relationship with the other parent is often one of the most difficult tasks for parents. The parental relationship must be good for the children and tolerable for the parents. The goal of all cooperative parenting is the reduce parental conflict in front of the children and to create a peaceful environment for the children.

In many situations, interactive parenting is possible right from the start. Interactive parents are able to communicate directly about their children's needs, be fliexible regarding parenting plan schedules and often relate to each other in a business-like manner. Above all else, they both have the ability to keep the conflict away from the children and they are committed to making sure this happens.

Most parents, however are not emotionally able to parent interactively right after the separation so they often begin with a parallel parenting relationship with their ex-partner. In parallel parenting each parent assumes total responsibility for the children during the time they are in their care. The parenting plan is highly structured with no expectation of flexibility or negotiation. Parallel parents communicate indirectly with each other because past experience has shown that when they try to communicate directly with each other, there is often conflict in front of the children.

Tips for Parallel Parenting:

1. Remember that neither parent has say or influence over the actions or activities of the other parent, as long as there are no major safety issues involved.

2. Use common courtesy and try to be business-like in your dealings with the other parent.

3. Do not plan activities for the children during the other parents time with the children.

4. If conflict occurs when parents interact in front of the children, then minimize the amount of contact between parents when the children are present:
~ Pick up and drop off children at school, day care, grandparents or neighbors
~ Keep basic toys and clothes at each home to decrease the amount of exchange necessary
~ Send notes, emails or leave voice messages on answering machines rather than speaking directly to the other parent
~ Do not send a note for every little thing but wait until 3-4 messages have accumulated and then send out one note

5. If one parent is able to interact without conflict in front of the children and the other parent is angry and/or conflictual, then attempts at interactive parenting will likely fail at this time.

6. When communication and negotiation is necessary, consider utilizing a third party (relative, friend mediator or parenting coordinator) to be the go between

7. Get all the information about a situation or problem before jumping to conclusions.

8. Follow up all agreements about vacations, medical appointments, school activities, time sharing, etc, in writing in order to avoid confusion.

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Posted by Melodylane 11/20/11

Thank you, Susie! Dr Harley says this about Plan B:

Originally Posted By: Dr Harley
The court is extremely unlikely to force you to have contact with your husband, especially if a clinical psychologist has advised against it because of the emotional damage that it can do. Your intermediary can do anything that you could do with direct contact. Remember, it's for your safety and health.

Only 16% of all divorces end up amicable. You are not the one wanting the divorce, and have made your terms of reconciliation clear. There is nothing left for you to do -- it's all up to your husband now.

No one can afford a divorce, but you will have to do what you can to defend your interests. And the healthier and happier you are, the easier that will be for you.

Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.


And here is another article written by Dr. Deena Stacer, who recommends a similar parallel parenting program: http://www.bpdfamily.com/pdfs/stacer.pdf

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Originally Posted By: SusieQ
Thanks for that, SC & Mel.

Hope this information will help a Plan Ber when they are confronted with "You need to be communicating for the good of the children!" like I have been.

Just a couple more things I thought of that were mentioned about parallel parenting:

* In studies, the biggest contributing factor to how well children coped was if they were subjected to conflict - not if the parents were communicating or coparenting.

* Conflict does not just mean actively arguing. It means applies to parents' body language, mood, tone, posture, etc. So for example, if there was face to face contact between the parents during a dropoff, if either parent was visibly upset, stressed, etc, even afterwards and the child saw it - then it just be better to have no contact at all.

* They stressed that when a new relationship begins for either parent, that usually brings about a time of conflict, and they explained that even if the parents were interactively parenting, that during a time of conflict such as this, it might be best just to go into parallel parenting, etc. (So just more support that when one parent is wayward, it is going to obviously be a time of conflict)


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
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Does anyone have a model "parallel Parenting" agreement which could be used as a rough draft for a child custody agreement?

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I am not advocating for this guy I just agree with the below. Vets please remove if you feel this conflicts with MB principles.

The Need for Parallel Parenting
by Brook Olsen on July 30, 2010
Founder/Director: High Conflict Diversion Program

In the early stages of divorce, it is normal for tensions and emotions to be high. In fact, its more common than not. People need time and space in order to process their emotions and to find proper ways to both contain and appropriately express their anger over the shock, feelings of betrayal, abandonment and to get their head around how life is going to look in the future. This is something I think most everyone will agree on.

It is not helpful under these circumstances to stay engaged with the other parent. In fact, in most cases, it is important to not engage. This is where some of us will disagree. For the sake of the children, it is important to keep tensions between the parents low. This will allow the children to adapt quicker and easier.

Parents may argue about how the children are to be attended to because they feel the other parent just has no clue on how to do it. Each parent will find their way and it is important for them to go through that process. If one of the parents is engaged constantly in trying to control how the other runs their house, there will be constant fighting and this harms the children more than anything or anyone.

Often during the marriage, the parents had differing concepts on how to raise the children. When the divorce occurs, that split often shows up. By using the basic principles of Parallel Parenting, a non-combative structure begins to form.

Each parent feels the autonomy to raise the children in their own competent fashion. The parent that wasnt so involved, if there was one, comes to understand the need for more skills. Given the lack of controlling and involvement from the other parent, they may begin to ask questions and there is an opening for more cooperative roles by both parents. This is a natural progression that will happen or not and cannot be dictated by anyone. In high conflict cases, forcing parents to co-parent has shown not to work and can actually make matters worse.

In the cases that this progression doesnt take place, the non-combative, disengaged structure of the Parallel Parenting is already established and the damages of a high conflict parenting pattern are greatly mitigated.

Human nature is such that during a divorce, a split happens that causes parents to become polarized and prone to outbursts of anger causing them to lose sight of the childrens needs. By using Parallel Parenting, each parent gets the chance to focus on the needs of the children in a way that is best suited to their new circumstances.

Things change when parents divorce. The family structure changes as well. It is also inevitable that the rules and culture in the new families will also change, especially when a new partner is introduced. It is a good idea to allow this to occur early on in the process rather than force something that isnt likely to happen if forced and that wont happen until it is ready if it ever is ready.

Parallel Parenting has the connotation of not being cooperative. That is a misconception that requires a closer look. There is a wide range in which Parallel Parenting works. It sets healthy boundaries for the initial conditions of the divorce and keeps the parents from engaging when emotions are at their highest and most volatile state.

If things get better, parents naturally begin to work more closely together. If things dont progress, the children are kept from being in the middle of the parents disagreements because the conditions for disengagement have already been established.


Last edited by kar; 04/11/12 03:38 PM.

BW (Me) age 41
WH age 40
kids 9 & 3
DD PA Skank #1 2/07
DD PA Skank #2 9/29/10
DD EA Skank #3 3/11 (occurred in '08)not sure if it was PA
Plan A- presently 9/2/11
Plan D- filed 12/20/11, served 12/24/11, 9/2/11 on hold, 12/1/11 cancelled
1/5/2011 WH tells me he is not 100% sure his relationship with OW would work.
7/21/2011 WH moves back home
11/7/2011 WH still foggy in ref to SK#3
Plan D- 1/2012 refiled
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Great article, kar!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Thanks MelodyLane. I was afraid to post for fear of it not being MB stuff and for fear of making more mistakes like not listening to you when I had the chance. I have more on Parallel Parenting so I will add to this since it will be beneficial to me and hopefully to others as well. Thank you.


BW (Me) age 41
WH age 40
kids 9 & 3
DD PA Skank #1 2/07
DD PA Skank #2 9/29/10
DD EA Skank #3 3/11 (occurred in '08)not sure if it was PA
Plan A- presently 9/2/11
Plan D- filed 12/20/11, served 12/24/11, 9/2/11 on hold, 12/1/11 cancelled
1/5/2011 WH tells me he is not 100% sure his relationship with OW would work.
7/21/2011 WH moves back home
11/7/2011 WH still foggy in ref to SK#3
Plan D- 1/2012 refiled
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 313
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Link to the following document (much easier to read)
http://www.parentingafterdivorce.com/pdfs/ParallelParentingForHighConflictFamilies.pdf

Parallel Parenting for High Conflict Families
by Philip M. Stahl, Ph.D.


Theres been a great deal of publicity lately about the negative impact of divorce on children. Wallerstein et al. (2000), highlighted a small group of children who have shown ongoing problems many years after the divorce of their parents. They report that children of divorce are at higher risk for developing academic, relationship, and substance abuse problems than children who grow up in non-divorced homes. Other researchers (Kelly, 2000; Amato, 2001; and Emery, 1999) have reported that children of divorce may be at higher risk, but that the majority of children in families of divorce do not show behavioral, emotional, or academic problems following their parents divorce.

Emery eloquently points out that, while there is a statistical difference between these groups, in that more children in divorced families are having problems than children in non-divorced families, research evidence suggests that there is not a one-to-one relationship between divorce and problems in any child domain. They conclude that resilience, rather than risk, is the normative outcome for children of divorce. At the same time, however, research suggests that the children exposed to conflict, both in marriage and after divorce, experience the most significant problems. If parents continue fighting after their divorce, children begin to exhibit more behavioral and emotional problems.

When parents divorce, children hope the fighting will go away so that they can get some peace in their life. Many children might not mind the divorce if their parents would finally learn to get along better. After the divorce, children want peace in their lives, and they want the opportunity to love both of their parents without loyalty conflicts. Instead, when conflicts worsen, children are left with many wounds.

These wounds and prolonged frustration can include feelings of disillusionment, fear, insecurity, vulnerability, and other such emotions. Children develop loyalty conflicts and become afraid to love both of their parents or to express their love for one parent in front of the other parent. Many of these children become aligned with only one parent, in part to reduce their anxiety and insecurity (Stahl, 1999; Kelly and Johnston, 2001).

This is one factor in alienated children, those children who feel that they cant have a relationship with both parents because they cant handle the stress. Divorced children frequently feel that they have failed or blame themselves when
their parents stay in conflict, and they feel even more insecure when they cant prevent the arguments.

While many forces are potential contributors to children becoming alienated (including but not limited to the attitudes and behaviors of both parents, the temperament and emotions of the children, sibling reactions, the intensity of conflict in the courts, and attitudes of relatives and others, for example), conflict between the parents is a potential source of significant difficulty for children.

At its worst, children experiencing intense conflict have to take sides because they cant manage the internal tension and anxiety they feel. For these children, there is a risk of serious psychological regression where they will see one parent as mostly bad and the other parent as mostly good.

This psychological splitting, as it is called, is damaging to
children because it reinforces a style in which they view the world in a black and white or all or nothing way rather than a more balanced view of good and bad in most people.

Behaviorally, children are likely to express their wounds with regression, aggression, withdrawal, or depression. They show signs of increased insecurity around the transition between homes, they worry, and they may be reluctant to express affection.

They may feel embarrassed, daydream a lot, and have trouble in school. They are likely to feel responsible for their parents conflicts, and be more edgy emotionally. They might become clingy with one or both parents. In young children, signs of regression can include bed wetting and temper tantrums. School-age children often have difficulty with their school work or they might have fights with peers and become behavior problems in the classroom. By the time a child reaches adolescence, these children are at risk of expressing their wounds with rebelliousness, substance abuse, sexual acting out, and other serious or self-destructive behaviors.

While it is common for parents to blame the other when these symptoms erupt, it is common for both parents to play a role in these difficulties. Highly conflicted parents need to recognize that they might engage in both obvious and not-so-obvious behaviors which pressure their children and cause them to feel this way.

Communication problems between angry parents is a primary source of emotional difficulties for children. Ahrons (2001) described four types of co-parental relationships, including Parenting Pals, Cooperative Colleagues, Angry Associates, and Fiery Foes.
In particular, Angry Associates and Fiery Foes have communication and cooperation patterns which lead to significant conflict. Such parents tend to argue over many things.




Psychological issues that lead to conflicted parenting are many, and may include:
continuation of hostility that began during the marriage
differing perceptions of pre-separation child-rearing roles
differing perceptions of post-separation child-rearing roles
differing perceptions of how to parent
concern about the adequacy of the other parents parenting ability
an unwillingness of one or both parents to accept the end of the relationship
jealousy about a new partner in the other parents life
contested child custody issues
personality factors in one or both parents that stimulate conflict.




Whatever the specific source, parents inability to separate their parental roles from prior conflict in the marriage is often a significant contribution to the conflict after
the divorce.

This conflict is perhaps the most important variable in determining how children adjust to their parents divorce. Parents need to do whatever it takes to change their level of conflict. The first step in this process is to learn to disengage from the other parent.

Disengagement is one of the possible styles of parenting after divorce. If parents disengage, they can set up a demilitarized zone around their children and have little or no contact with the other parent. Parents must do this first to reduce the conflict and before developing a parallel style of parenting.

Parallel parenting is a style of parenting in which both parents learn to parent their child effectively, doing the best job each can do during the time the child is in their respective care. Parents disengage from each other so that conflicts are avoided.

Parallel parenting gets its name from a similar concept in childrens play. Psychologists have observed that young children who play together, but do not have the skills to interact,
engage in a process of parallel play. If they are in a sandbox together or taking turns going down a slide, they play next to one another, not with one another.

Each child is doing her own thing with the toys, and generally ignoring the other. As children get older, and more mature, they will learn to interact cooperatively and play together.

Similarly, parallel parenting is a process of parenting next to one another because parents are unable to co-parent together. Before parents can learn to co-parent, they will each learn to parent on their own. The task for mediators and parent educators is to teach parents how to parallel parent. Parents need to be taught that the important information revolves around the health, welfare, and interests of their child.

The first step of parallel parenting is disengagement. Disengagement means that parents will not communicate about minor things regarding their child. They will not criticize each other or bicker over things that have always led to conflicts in the past.

Parents are taught to give the other parent important information about their child, but will not get into debates about the parenting plan or about each others parenting style.
Parents will learn that they can raise their children differently, and the children may still be okay.

Parents need to be taught what information needs to be communicated and how to do it. Health, medical, and school information is critical. For example, if the child is sick,
parents inform each other, with details on what medication is needed, what has already been administered, and when the next dose is to be given.

If the child has a school field trip, parents inform the other of the details, and use their parenting plan (Stahl, 2000) to decide who might go with the child on the field trip. Each parent takes turns taking their child to routine doctor and dentist visits.

If you are the parent who receives your childs report card, copy it and send it to the other parent. Do this with medical and extracurricular activity information, such as your childs little league schedule.

Do not complain to the other parent when she is ten minutes late for an exchange of your child, and dont argue over whose turn it is to get your childs next haircut. Have parameters in your parenting plan for some of these things and ignore the rest.

When parents disengage from each other, each will develop an independent relationship with their childs teachers, doctors, coaches, and friends so that they dont have to rely on the other parent for such information. When parents are trying to disengage, but communication is necessary, it is often best if non-emergency communication is done by mail, fax or e-mail. Parents can be taught to use faxes if both have sufficient privacy in receiving the fax.

By putting their communication in writing, parents can learn that they will have time to gather their thoughts to ensure that the tone is not argumentative. This lets the receiving parent take time to do the same in order to prevent an impulsive, angry, or sarcastic response. Parents should be discouraged from sharing e-mails and faxes with their your children as they are only meant to share important information between the parents. While parents can be taught to send time-sensitive material, such as a notice from school, to the other parent on the day they receive, they should also be encouraged to limit other non-emergency communication to twice a month.

Obviously, emergency information about illnesses and injuries, unforeseen delays in visitation (as a result of traffic conditions, for example), or immediate school concerns should be shared by phone as soon as possible. However, by reducing general communication, and by putting necessary communications in writing, parents can go a long way toward disengaging from conflict. When helping parents with very young children, it is important to teach them to share all aspects of their childs functioning with one another. A useful tool is a parent communication notebook.

In this notebook parents should write down the highlights of the childs emotions and behaviors during their respective parenting time. Parents should include observations of their childs health, feeding and sleeping patterns, language issues, the childs mood, what upsets the child and soothing techniques, daily routines, and any other detailed information about the childs functions and needs.

This notebook should stay with the child, being sent back and forth during transitions, so both parents can use it as a forum for preserving thoughts about their child and her needs. Ultimately, parents need to learn that there are many things that parents argue about that arent so important. In general, the research suggests that a prime source of conflict is different parenting philosophies and difficulty sharing their child.

Parents need to accept that there is more than one right way to parent, learn to be less rigid and more accepting of the other parent, and do the best job of parenting during the time the child is with them, without criticizing the other parent.

Children are capable of being parented in two different styles, and many children of divorce adjust quite well to two very different homes. One method for teaching some of these skills has been developed by parent educators who have created programs designed especially for high conflict families. The primary purpose of these programs is to help those parents who are mired in protracted conflict to recognize the ways that conflicts manifest themselves and learn new methods of resolving their differences.

One particular program, in use in Contra Costa County California (the authors local community) is designed to teach high conflict parents (those who Ahrons referred to as Fiery Foes) to disengage from their conflict and learn parallel parenting techniques so that they can become less angry and more business-like in their approach with one another. Using a six week curriculum, focusing on communication, stress, impact of conflict on children, impulse control, and empathy, this
skill-based program uses a combination of role plays, videos, group interaction and didactic information from the group leaders to teach the skills described above.


Primary goals of the program are to:
Develop empathy for the children and the other parent.
Learn constructive ways to solve problems.
Learn new communication techniques, especially clarifying and listening.
Learn value of parallel parenting rather than trying to force themselves to coparent.
Understand the effects of conflict on their children and on each other.
Recognize ways that stress, anger, violence, substance use, and emotions cause problems for themselves, their ex-partner, and their children.
Ultimately, the entire program is designed to assist parents in understanding their respective role in the conflicts, learn to take personal responsibility, and reduce blame.


Over the next few months, the author will be developing more information regarding this particular program and it will be available either from the author or the Judicial Council of California. It is hoped that, with such programs available, high conflict families can get the necessary assistance from mediators and parent educators to parallel parent their children.




References
Ahrons, C. (2001), Untitled Keynote address at the AFCC-CA conference, Pasadena, CA.
Amato, P. (2001), Children of Divorce in the 1990's: An Update of the Amato and Keith (1991) Meta-Analysis in Journal of Family Psychology, 15, 3, 355-370.
Emery, R. (1999), Marriage, Divorce, and Childrens Adjustment, 2nd Edition. Thousand Oaks: Sage Publications.
Kelly, J. (2000), Childrens Adjustment in Conflicted Marriage and Divorce: A Decade Review of Research. Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, (39), 8, 963 - 973.
Kelly, J. & Johnston, J. (2001). The Alienated Child: A Reformulation of Parental Alienation Syndrome. Family & Conciliation Courts Review. 38, (3), 249-266.
Stahl, P. (1999). Complex Issues in Child Custody Evaluations. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications.
Stahl, P. (2000). Parenting After Divorce. San Luis Obispo, CA: Impact Publishers.
Wallerstein, J., Blakeslee, S., and Lewis, J. (2000). The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25 Year Landmark Study. New York: Hyperion.



Philip M. Stahl, Ph.D., a psychologist practicing in Danville California and licensed in California and Michigan, can be reached via email at pstahl@earthlink.net or visit his website at
www.parentingafterdivorce.com. This article was based on his presentation Parallel Parenting for High Conflict Families, presented at the Family Conflict Resolution and Mediation conference, sponsored by MACRO and the University of Maryland Law School, November, 2001.

Last edited by kar; 04/13/12 01:49 PM.

BW (Me) age 41
WH age 40
kids 9 & 3
DD PA Skank #1 2/07
DD PA Skank #2 9/29/10
DD EA Skank #3 3/11 (occurred in '08)not sure if it was PA
Plan A- presently 9/2/11
Plan D- filed 12/20/11, served 12/24/11, 9/2/11 on hold, 12/1/11 cancelled
1/5/2011 WH tells me he is not 100% sure his relationship with OW would work.
7/21/2011 WH moves back home
11/7/2011 WH still foggy in ref to SK#3
Plan D- 1/2012 refiled
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 313
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FR 7-22
12/2000

Abstract
Parallel Parenting Stops the Bleeding

Prepared by: Elaine Wilson
Parenting Specialist
238 HES, Oklahoma State University
Stillwater, OK 74078-6111
emwilso@okstate.edu

McBride, Jean. (2000, November). Programs for High Conflict Separated/Divorced Parents: Lessons from the Front. Paper presented at the Pre Congress Institute Addressing the Needs of High Conflict Families, Fourth International Congress on Parent Education Programs, Association of Family, Court and Community, Kiawah, South Carolina.


IMPLICATIONS FOR COOPERATIVE EXTENSION. Extension Educators teaching the Co-Parenting through Divorce classes will want to include information on parallel parenting as an alternative approach for parents in high conflict relationships or with high conflict on specific parenting issues. Similar to parallel play as a stage in childrens social development, parallel parenting allows parents to avoid conflict and to function separately as parents while they develop the skills and relationship needed for cooperative parenting. This is especially important in light of Oklahomas Parenting Act that establishes shared parenting at the initial stage of litigation, before positions harden and before litigation ensues.

Parent involvement is a predictor of good outcomes while parental conflict is the primary predictor of poor outcome. Parallel parenting is a parenting style that keeps both parents involved while reducing the childs opportunity to witness conflict.

Parallel parenting assumes both parents are capable of safe parenting practices. In cases of parents with no attachment to the child, no parenting skills, serious mental illness, active physical, psychological, or sexual child abuse, or addiction to alcohol, drugs, or conflict parallel parenting is not appropriate.

Survivors of physical abuse who may feel guilty because they are unable to safely co-parent. Parallel parenting may be the best they can achieve for their children. Many parents can eventually transition to the more beneficial cooperative style, while some will always have to use a parallel style for high conflict issues.

Parallel parenting is similar to parallel play. In parallel play children play near each other but they do not acknowledge one another, talk to each other, share toys or ideas. In parallel parenting each parent is actively involved with the children but not with the other parent. They take turns or share the children, but communication is minimized to reduce conflict. McBride describes parallel parenting as children spending time in two countries. When they are in Japan they speak Japanese, use Japanese money, participate in Japanese customs and religions. When they are in Mexico they change to Mexican food, music, time schedules, and housing.



Understanding the Differences


COOPERATIVE PARENTING
Child focused.
Parents communicate regularly.
Parents can communicate in person or over the phone.
Major decisions about the child are jointly discussed.
Parents work together as needed to resolve issues related to the child.
Parents work together in the best interests of the child.
Allows smooth transitions from one home to the other.
Allows for schedule change can be flexible and negotiable.
Parents may be able to discuss issues between other parent and child.

PARALLEL PARENTING
Adult focused.
Parents communicate over emergencies.
Parents use email, third party, or a parenting notebook to communicate.
Major decisions are communicated rather than discussed.
Households are separate. Each makes decisions about the child when s/he is in their household.
Parents work separately for the best interests of the child.
Culture changes for the child may be abrupt.
Written parenting plan or court decree followed exactly. Parents need an external authority.
Each parent is responsible for own relationship with child. You must talk to your mom/dad about that.




Ten Tips for Successful Parallel Parenting

1. Maintain an attitude for non-interference with your childs other parent. Neither parent has influence or say over the actions of the other parent.
2. Carry on a business-like attitude; use common courtesy.
3. Do not plan activities for the children during the other parents time. It may be better for child to miss an event than to witness conflict.
4. Stay focused on the present.
5. Stay oriented to the task at hand.
6. Keep your childrens best interests in mind.
7. Remember the goal is to keep conflict to a minimum.
8. Follow up in writing all agreements and discussions regarding the children.
9. When communication and/or negotiation is necessary, use a neutral third party to assist you.
10. Keep an open mind.

Last edited by kar; 04/13/12 01:51 PM.

BW (Me) age 41
WH age 40
kids 9 & 3
DD PA Skank #1 2/07
DD PA Skank #2 9/29/10
DD EA Skank #3 3/11 (occurred in '08)not sure if it was PA
Plan A- presently 9/2/11
Plan D- filed 12/20/11, served 12/24/11, 9/2/11 on hold, 12/1/11 cancelled
1/5/2011 WH tells me he is not 100% sure his relationship with OW would work.
7/21/2011 WH moves back home
11/7/2011 WH still foggy in ref to SK#3
Plan D- 1/2012 refiled
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 313
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"Only a minority of our families--about 30 percent were able to establish cooperative coparenting relationships. Spousal disengagement, which essentially involved parallel parenting with little communication had become the most common pattern about a quarter of our families remained conflicted at the end of three and a half years."
Eleanor Maccoby and Robert Mnookin (Page 277 in Dividing the Child)


BW (Me) age 41
WH age 40
kids 9 & 3
DD PA Skank #1 2/07
DD PA Skank #2 9/29/10
DD EA Skank #3 3/11 (occurred in '08)not sure if it was PA
Plan A- presently 9/2/11
Plan D- filed 12/20/11, served 12/24/11, 9/2/11 on hold, 12/1/11 cancelled
1/5/2011 WH tells me he is not 100% sure his relationship with OW would work.
7/21/2011 WH moves back home
11/7/2011 WH still foggy in ref to SK#3
Plan D- 1/2012 refiled
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This is a lawyer PP presentation on parallel parenting with some suggested court language : http://www.dcprovidersonline.com/pres_file.php?id=16771&file=w36.pdf

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Link to State of Indiana.
Suggested court language for model Parallel parenting plan.

http://www.in.gov/judiciary/files/rules-prop-ptg-2012-appendixb.pdf

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New book released Nov 2012:

Complete Guide to Parallel Parenting: Creating Successful Boundaries for Families of Divorce by Robin Allen

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Originally Posted By: Pepperband
When you think the timing is right... I strongly suggest that you tell the school officials some variation of the following (in writing if necessary):

We are going through a serious family crisis. There is much tension in our home. I am asking the school to please observe our children for any sort of behavior that might indicate they require counseling. Falling grades, unusual behavior, increased discipline requirements, or if the child seems depressed or overly emotional.... please let us know immediately.

No one at the school needs to know the nature of the crisis... just that this family is in crisis....

Please consider doing this for your school age kids.

Pep

<small>[ November 21, 2004, 03:05 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>


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