I know this sounds like every other story, but 3 weeks ago, I found emails between WH and OW discussing their weekend together. I confronted my husband, who said he loves me and I am his BF, but he in not "in love" with me, he is "in love" with her. I was initially angry, but then was calm and told him to take his time and make the right decision. One week later we went to MC, had a nice discussion, and then at the end, MC asked my husband why he came and what he saw as his future. WH said he wanted to see if he had an epiphany to stay with me (which he didn't), but already had plans with OW to put relationship on hold until kids are out of school. I have been kind, considerate, and understanding to WH, but venting to my sister. Another week has passed, WH has still not discussed details of plan with me. Today, he took a vacation day to spend with OW, but said he was going to work, and would not go to see MC with me tonight. My WH is planning to leave me, and I am planning to EXPOSE! Any tips?

Welcome to Marriage Builders, readytowork!

Tell us about OW, ready. Is she married? How did they meet? Does she have a Facebook page? Does your husband?

It may sound obvious, but say nothing to your WH about exposure - no threats, nothing.

Good job on being proactive on this! I wish a few of the men on a few of our other threads had your spine.

Did you save those emails?

Unfortunately, I did not save the emails. WH has a corporate cell phone, and corporate laptop, so it will be difficult to access them again. Plus, he is meticulous about deleting. 20 years ago, I had a miscarriage, and WH became friends with OW, who was pregnant at time. Their EA was secret, and when I found out they ended it. I was told they were close friends, and they kissed, nothing more. I have been told that OWH is cold, and OW has been unhappy for the past 20 years. OW is planning to leave, with or without my WH. Not sure why she stayed so long. My husband reached out to her on FB in August, and their lies and passion heated up fast. I tried to tell WH that the passion will not last, but he can't even hear me. Thank you for your support, maritalbliss!

Hi readytowork, I am so sorry you are in this position. I want to give you assurance that there is hope and we can help you.

Please go read the link in my signature about exposure and start putting together your plan. Then come back here and we can discuss.

Can you get your hands on his cell phone and his laptop tonight when he is asleep?

I'm very sorry for your pain.
I exposed it by sending a letter as recommended in Surviving an Affair to my wifes lover and his wife, to their facebook accounts.
Take care of yourself.

I can definitely get to the cell phone and laptop, but I don't know the passwords. What do you suggest?

I have been reading the posts on this website for a week now, and the information is really supportive and fantastic. But, now I am waffling. I went to see MC by myself last night and I talked about my husband, a lot. The more I talked about him, the more things I realize I don't like about him. It's tough because we have been together for so long. WH is a funny guy, and he is always doing something fun. But, it is always about him and what he wants and everybody always has to like the things he likes. In all of our time, he never went to see a horror movie with me, he would just say "you can go, I don't like those movies". Shouldn't he have been willing to try things that I like. The MC said WH was childish and unremorseful - today I am not sure if I want him to stay. This is such a roller coaster of emotions. Sorry if I am letting you all down.

rtw, your MC is doing what most MC's do - 'validating' your unhappiness. He is not giving you a plan to save your M. I would suggest that you stop going there. I'm not sure why you would go in the first place. The problem with your marriage is that your WH is having an affair. You don't need to pay money to learn that - you already know that.

Have you gotten Surviving an Affair yet? Have you been reading here? There are tools here that will help you build a romantic love with your WH. But he's got to end the A first.

I would suggest you concentrate on killing the A before anything else.

You're not letting us down. But you ARE wasting time with the MC.

I have spent the past week between wanting WH out of my life, and wanting to make my M work. I have read through many of the threads here, and appreciate the advice that has been given to me. I seriously believe my husband is going through a personal crisis and this affair is a way to run away from his problems. He doesn't realize that if I let him go, his problems will still be there, but his support system: me, kids, friends, family - will not. WH is withdrawing from his life more and more each day, and his only joy is his fantasy. I am ready to go ahead with exposure this weekend. My husband has a hot temper and he will be livid, but he has left me no choice. I imagine he will yell and scream at me, and will probably leave the house. If he comes back, but is not ready to commit, what am I supposed to do. Do I immediately go into plan B? Do I tell him to leave and not come back until he is ready to end the affair. Most of the steps seem to talk about exposure, and then working to get back together, but what do I do in between?

Ready,

Your H's "personal crisis" is that he is HAVING AN AFFAIR.

Have you read the book, "Surviving an Affair" yet? It provides the framework for ending the affair and then recovering the marriage into one that is better than the pre-affair marriage. Read about Plan A and Plan B. In Plan A, you demonstrate to your H the kind of wife/marriage there will be in the future. Dr. Harley recommends that for health reasons women limit the time for Plan A to about three weeks.

Many waywards are angry at exposure. Think of it as turning the lights on in a crack house. It ruins all the fun and fantasy. There is a "fog babble" thread on this forum that has some tips on how to respond to those comments. My personal favorite is, "Yes, dear. Would you like a potato chip?".

MelodyLane is an expert at MB. I see she is posting on your thread. Listen to her and Maritalbliss. What is your exposure plan? Who will you expose the A to? What timeframe? Trickling out exposure to one person and then another negates the effect. It should be a tsunami.

AM

armymama,
Thank you for your support. I plan on calling OWH at work on Friday. I was able to get onto my WH's computer a few days ago and print out emails, plus get OW facebook contacts. I will contact her sisters, and around 5 of her friends (not sure who is close friend). I am also going to speak with MIL and SIL. Plus I will email/FB 12 or so of our close friends. I am ready to tell my kids, but I am hesitant as my DD is a college freshman and has finals in 2 weeks. If WH chooses to leave this weekend, I will have to tell the kids, but hoping to wait until DD is home from break.

I have not read the SAA book, just this site. I will go and get the book.

Ready,

You sound pretty logical and thoughtful. Much more so than I was right after D-day.

Your list sounds pretty good to me. But I defer to advice you may get from the exposure experts. I assume your H and OW do not work together. You said they had an EA twenty years ago. How do you know about it? How did H meet OW? How do you know it ended then and has not been a very LTA?

The book is excellent. Have you looked at the thread for "newbies"? It has a great deal of information for people who just had D-day.

AM

readytowork, Marriage Builders suggests a third way: doing things you both like. For example, if he hates horror movies, that wouldn't be a good idea to ask him to go to a horror movie because that would be sacrifice. He would just be miserable. Compromise, ie: win/lose, is how couples create incompatibility. So no, he shouldn't have been willing to try things he knows he hates.

Here is an example of what I mean:

I hate Chinese food and my H hates Mexican. I love Mexican and he loves Chinese. So I make a compromise with him that he endures Mexican and as an "incentive" I will go suffer through Chinese with him.

Lets say we practice a "compromise" and we go for Mexican one night and Chinese the next night. That means that I will be unhappy on one night and he will be unhappy the next because we are each gaining at the others EXPENSE for one night.

This is called sacrifice. And it leads to incompatibility and resentment. It leads to incompatibility because people won't do things that make themselves unhappy for long. I might go for Chinese 3 or 4 times and tolerate that nasty food, but pretty soon I will be finding reasons to AVOID going out to eat and he will be resentful, because people who practice sacrifice KEEP SCORE. He will be mad because I "OWE" him a Chinese night to pay for his Mexican night.

The solution recommended by Marriage Builders avoids all that. Instead of going to ANY restaurant that one spouse doesn't like, the solution is to find a restaurant that BOTH LOVE. Mexican and Chinese are completely OFF our lists. In it's place is a list of restaurants we both like. This solution builds compatibility because it ensures we are BOTH happy and no one sacrifices at the others expense.

Also, the items you mention are all things that are easily addressed with this program. Most waywards are childish and unremorseful until the affair is exposed and killed. And the fact that your husband doesn't consider your feelings is a problem to be solved.

No one would fault you for getting a divorce, my friend, but if your marriage has been good in the past, it can be great in the future. The items you mention are garden variety problems that most marriages do experience. And they are overcome with this program. You can have a great marriage with your husband, readytowork. Don't let the marriage counselor discourage you just because he probably doesn't know how to save marriages. Your marriage is very salvagable.

Side note: I'd like to (gently ) call you on this. You know, I could probably sit down with someone and come up with a list of things about my H that are less than perfect. He is a work in progress, as we all are. But WHY would I want to do that? Why would I do what amounts to bashing the poor guy when he's not even there to defend himself?

Why not just go to the source and talk about what is bothering you and approach a solution together? Talking about your husband to a third party won't solve the issue, and will feed your resentment of him. (As you learned.)

Did the MC ask you to list the things about your husband that you admire and appreciate? Surely he's got something in that category, or you wouldn't have married him.

WHEN the A is dead and you're recovering (always optimistic ) the two of you will need to learn how to communicate these things to arrive at a solution that works for your marriage.

Notable post.

Here.

AM,

WH and OH did work together 20 years ago. My husband told me he was working late one night, when I had planned a dinner party for his birthday. I called his office to see when he would be home, but was told he had left hours ago. I confronted him when he came home and he eventually confessed. I believe in my heart that it ended around that time. OW changed to another job, and eventually moved out of state. This time when confronted WH admitted that he sought her out on FB in August, just to reach out to an old friend, but WH just felt so connected and close to her - ugh!

I will follow up on the thread for "newbies". I am not sure how I can be so rational, believe me I have plenty of moments when I fall apart. I just feel that since my WH is being so emotional, someone has to be rational or else this will end bad. I know my husband has issues, and has been on his best behavior with OW. If WH leaves me for OW, I truly believe their relationship cannot last.

cool! I made the cut!

ML

Thank you for your thoughtful comments. You inspire me for better things to come! I agree that many of these issues can be worked on to be resolved. And that is what I want to do. I don't have a need to be right or to punish my WH. I want to move forward and make our relationship better. Whatever happens I will hold my head up high for myself and my children, because I know I am doing everything I can for my family.