I am not sure what to do. My Wife told me in January that she loved me but did not love me. She said the only reason she loved me was because of the kids. After a little bit of discussion I told my wife I wanted to try and work things out in which she told me that she had had an affair. She said she felt like she should tell me the truth since I wanted to try and save our marriage. She said the affair happened in June 2011 and I am under the assumption it only happened once. We finally agreed to separate so she could think think things out. After about a couple of weeks I decided to move back into the house to try and save my marriage in which she responded by telling me it was over and if I didn't leave that she was. She left that night. Something happened the next day I wasn't expecting. We began talking over email since I was at work and so was she. We emailed back and forth and she finally agreed to talk to me after work. I got of work and meet her at our house and we came to an agreement to try and save our marriage. She said she wasn't sure if she was doing this because she was tired of fighting or was she doing it for the kids. I told her we were doing this for all of us, to make all of us happy since that is what she wants is to be happy. Late that night we went grocery shopping together and then came home in which I proceeded to play with her hair, a thing she likes very much, and then I held her feet while she fell asleep. Everything seemed like it was going great until the next day when she found out I had gotten her facebook password. I used to it to try and determine who she had the affair with. She decided that she couldn't trust me and decided to start sleeping on the couch. The next day she told me she wanted both of us to read the Five Love Languages in which I agreed to. We went and bought the book and I read it in about a day, something I have never done with a book. She finally finished the book a couple days later and we both figured out that we both needed Quality time to fill our Love Banks. I also need Physical contact and she needed acts of service. After we found this out she started to sleep in the bed with me again but would not get close to me. This is where my confusion begins. I'm trying to fill her Love Bank but she doesn't want me to touch her, and she doesn't really want to talk. My Love Bank in getting empty because she doesn't want me to touch her or anything. She says she doesn't know what she is feeling or thinking right now and is fixing to start seeing a counselor in which I have no problem with. The other night we went out on a date and she said it felt like she was out with just a friend but since I couldn't touch her I couldn't make it feel like anything else. I guess this is were I am confused. What can I do to get her to open up and allowed me to do the things to fill her Love Bank without pushing her further away. Any answers or insights to this would be greatly appreciated.

PS - I think the affair has ended since the guy I believe it was she has defriended him on facebook and has not texted him in a month and a half.

I will bet you a whole dollar ( and I never bet) that it is not over.

You need to snoop. There's probably another phone, and he's probably hidden on FB. There are great snooping tools in Operation Investigate.

I am sorry you find yourself in this situation- but you have come to the right place for help.

There's not another phone unless somebody else is paying for it because I manage all the money in our household. As far as facebook not sure there. Snooping on Facebook is what got me into some of this trouble.

How on Earth did snooping get you in trouble?

Her OM might have given her a throwaway phone. prepaid.

Put a keylogger on your computer and see.

What we know at MB- and what you will learn quickly- is that by reading what you described in your original post- is that she is still in contact with the OM. That is why she behaves the way she has.

You need to find the contact- so you can decide if you want to recover, and make a plan. You cannot recover your marriage without killing the affair.

I don't know, that is where I am confused. My opinion an affair is far worse than me stealing a Facebook password. Now she doesn't use that computer to get on facebook anymore so keylogger wouldn't do any good. She now uses her cell phone and she doesn't leave it long enough for me to find anything. By the way I forgot to mention this but there is some depression and Bi-polar that runs in the family. I know her mother has it and I think her sister just got diagnosed with it. Could this be some of the problem.

Affairs are due to having poor boundaries around the opposite sex. Affairs happen when we do not do what it takes to prevent someone from meeting our emotional needs.

It's easy to blame a mental disorder, but it's not the reason for an affair. Sloppy boundaries are the reason.

Do not feel guilty about snooping. It is encouraged by the Harleys. It's not to be done in a paranoid way, but as a healthy peering into what the other spouse is doing when not with you. It's okay. Snooping is good; affairs are not.

No- she is lying and tricking you . That's not a mental disorder, that's a choice she is making.

You obtained the password because your gut told you something was wrong- and you needed the information about your own life. She is trying to play you.

Think about ways you can catch her. You can place a VAR in her car. Youcan contact the phone company and turn the GPS on her phone. You can hire a PI and have her followed.

My spouse has a mental disorder- but it's not a reason for why he cheated. He cheated because he had poor boundaries and poor coping skills and chose a terrible way to deal.

But it's not an excuse. Blame is 100% at his feet - same as it is with your spouse.

I didn't obtain the password until after she told me about the affair. Don't have the money to hire a pi and the cell phone account is in her name so may need her permission to turn gps on. I think I am just stuck unless I actually catch her.

How about the voice activated recorder?

Come on. Fight harder! What can you do to find the truth?

You are worthy of not being lied to. You deserve the truth. What will you do to help yourself?

Let me list the ways we know that your wife is still in contact with the other man, which is an ongoing affair whether or not there's been recent physical contact:

1. She said the affair was in June and only once, but you know for a fact she's texted as recently as a month and a half ago.

2. "She said" the affair only happened once back in June. Waywards lie, they all do, it comes with the territory. "It only happened once" is NEVER just once.

3. "Separate to figure things out" means get you out of the way to carry on affair.

4. Anger about the facebook password=anger about finding the affair.

5. Not wanting you to touch her is because in her mind she would be cheating on the other man. It makes no logical sense, but most women in an affair think this way.

6. Protecting her phone is a giant red flag.

7. Prepaid affair phones are always a possibility. My exwife went through 4 of them before finally being able to hide the 5th one where I couldn't find it.

I take it that your WW hasn't told you who the OM is? Until then, she really isn't serious about recovery. She is still very much in WW-mode.

I think she has texted. I really not sure who the guy is, I just assumed it was this guy because the Texting on her phone quit and he disappeared from her Facebook and she disappeared from hers. Let's just say the affair has ended what could I do to get her to open up and let me touch her again and what could be some problems keeping her from allowing me.

We can't say the affair has ended and give you other reasons.


We don't lie around here.

Please believe us. Please. The affair is ongoing. That's why she is acting the way she is.

I'm not trying to lie, I'm just trying to get her to open up and maybe she will tell me if it is still going on or do I just come right out and ask her.

I didn't say you were lying- but you asked what else could be the reason for her behavior. It's an ongoing affair. That's the reason.

Waywards lie. If you ask her- she is going to deny and get angry at you. You need to confirm the affair, then tell her you know.