My thoughts....funerals depend on the relationship to the deceased.
If the wayward is 'closer' related, the betrayed could skip it. If the betrayed is 'closer' then the wayward could not be invited.
If they are both equally close due to whatever reason.....betrayed could skip it if they know wayward is going. Then, offer to visit the deceased's family at another time.

HTMS.....

lol on Scotland's thread being the meeting place of the discussion. Maybe we could have a separate thread in notables?

Scotty,

How do you handle school functions in Plan B? We have a poster about to go into Plan B and has a pre-school graduation coming up.

Thanks in advance.

My WH isn't told about the functions. If he were to ever be in the same place as me, I would leave. I have advised those in the past to have an exit strategy. ie. have someone else be responsible for taking children home from events, in case the BS needs to make a quick exit, and have someone record the event so the BS can enjoy the moment with the child at a later time. While it may not be "fair" for the BS to miss events, during PB, it is VERY important for the emotional well being and healing of the BS.

I take my PB seriously. A HUGE part of me started this because I would want Bampot to take recovery seriously, so I was leading by example. I would NEVER accept an excuse for contact with OW if recovery were to begin, so I MUST hold myself to the same standard during my PB.

Things have changed in my life. I miss school functions, and trips that happen during the day. I have missed parent-teacher interviews because of work. The boys have had to be home alone while I was still at work. After being available any time during the day, and knowing that another parent would be with them when I wasn't able to, this was a HUGE adjustment. It was also very necessary. And I had to deal with the guilty feelings over it. The thing that most helped me was the knowledge that had I not entered PB, my children's life(and my own) would be filled with much more turmoil and drama. There was never any question to me as to which path I needed to choose. It wasn't easy. It wasn't fair. But it was RIGHT.

This is why its so important for people to step up and support the BS. They cause serious pain and the people around the BS should know this and exclude the WS.

I get what reading is saying, that there may be events so important and so unavoidable where you need to get ADd up and just cope with the triggers afterward. I wouldn't, but that's me.

But wouldn't it be nice if we lived in a world where betrayal was taken seriously and active betrayers shunned? There's no way someone violent would be welcomed into as many functions as a wayward is.

I understand the importance of Plan B to protect BS and give WS taste of life without their spouse etc. My concern is the children, they are the ones that seem to loose if they cannot have their parents attend their special events. It appears to be a case of impact on the children vs setback for BS.

Question: if I decide to do a full Plan B, what do I do when we attend the same children's activities? Soccer games, band concerts, plays, etc. are all part of our lives. Do I ignore him completely? Is it okay to smile and wave? Do we sit together or what?
FYI, I have a mediator in mind, but I'm just not emotionally read to Plan B him yet. But I'm getting there.

Edited by stilllovemyman (01/27/08 03:18 PM)


Dr. Harley
Administrator


Reged: 11/16/00
Posts: 1916
Re: Plan B Advice Needed [Re: stilllovemyman]
#3389429 - 01/28/08 06:40 AM



stilllovemyman: Read my answer to "What Now!" by NZJ in the Questions about Infidelity section of the MBW Forum. It probably applies to your situation.

About 95% of affairs die a natural death within 2 years of discovery. And 70% of those 5% that survive to marriage end in divorce. Even the 30% of the 5% (1.5%) are not all happy marriages. So the odds of your husband finding happiness with his present lover is so unlikely that it's safe to say that his affair is the worst mistake of his life. But because you're married to him, it's the worst mistake of your life, too. And you didn't do anything to deserve it.

Your best plan of action right now is plan B. And you will have to make it air-tight to keep you sane. Otherwise, every casual contact, even at your children's events, is likely to take a terrible toll on your mental and physical health.

Some day, your husband may come out of the fog. And he may be ready to win you back to him again. But I would encourage you to avoid hoping for that outcome. In fact, try to avoid thinking of him at all. Start going down a new path that does not include him in any way. There's nothing more that you can do to encourage him to do the right thing. All you're left with now is to try to protect yourself from future suffering. And that means having absolutely nothing to do with your husband, possibly for the rest of your life.

Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.

Scotty & ML I see where you are coming from. I guess I struggle with this because pre affair we had a good marriage, did lots of things together as a family and our kids struggled with affair & separation. They miss the family and have always enjoyed having both parents at events.. I just hate this has been taken from them all for a selfish fantasy.

Church...yes, he goes as well. Pretty much every week. But I actually have a job there, teaching a second hour kids activity, and I also really, really need the support network of church and church friends to support my life as a single mother. Other than work, it's my main social outlet. And my closest family is 450 miles away, so having a support network is huge.

I read what Scotty wrote with, well, awe. I just don't know if I could do that. It is already so painful to give up time with my child, something which I am forced to do because of the impending divorce, and the idea is just so hard to take. Would I be willing to give up on school functions to implement a perfect plan B? Honestly, I don't think I could. Partly for me, and partly for my kids. Because as much as I want to show them my value in marriage, I don't want them to feel the pain of it any more than the pain they are already feeling, and I don't want them to feel any "less than" loved. Maybe it's something I should write Dr. Harley about...an update to my old radio show, and more info about Plan B in this type of situation (when it's not to kill an active affair, but to protect the BS and love bank balance).

Also, I think I'm informed a little bit in this by my relationship with my ex. He married his affair partner, and for a long time I had pretty much no contact with him, very very little anyway. It was very helpful for my recovery and I did "get over" him in pretty much all ways. But I also know that now I can see him, talk to him, interact with him...and it has no effect on me whatsoever. I only see him a few times a year, when we exchange the kids, and talk to him maybe every other month (at most) by phone, maybe occasional emails...always kid related. And other than surprise at how he looks older, or whether he's gained or lost weight, I have to say I've erased almost every feeling for him (and most of my memories, even). So, I'd rather get to that state of indifference than to a state of absolute and perpetual plan B that punishes my kids and myself. If that makes sense.

But...I think a period of no contact would be good, healing for me and firm about not meeting any of ex's emotional needs. Maybe I should plan to start it when I know we have no more school functions or reasons we'd have to interact, and plan a month long hiatus from church, etc? After 5/20 would work...maybe I should think about doing that. That's after our mediation, my son's preschool graduation, and the church end of school year service.

My concern is the children, they are the ones that seem to loose if they cannot have their parents attend their special events.

I just hate this has been taken from them all for a selfish fantasy.

Children of a wayward have already lost. The best they can typically hope for is not to see the wayward again and go on with their lives with what is left of their family (siblings and faithful parent).

After I got away from my wayward mother I was glad she did not come to my events. Escape was what allowed me to heal from the trauma she had caused. I lose every time I see her again. Every so often she sends me a card or something, and when I see it, I lose, at least for a minute until I discard it. Even years after escape, I was terrified that she would crash my wedding, and secretly asked a few men to serve as bouncers in case she should show up.