Actually, that is true. To be more specific, it works this way:


So while there is a very short refractory period, it is possible to maintain a nearly consistent erection over several hours with short breaks after the refractory period.

My H and I do have a very successful, active and satisfying sex life so we must be doing something right.

And there may well be something that works even better - I don't know - but I know that Viagra can be very effective. You can't just rule it out, writer, because it didn't work for you.

BUT, it didn't help because you have never done it consistently enough to restore the love in your marriage. You can't say that UA has been ineffective because you have never followed that policy long enough for it to be of effect. It is not expected that sexual problems will evaporate just because you do it for one week and then never do it again. That misses the whole point. The point is that SF improves when you are IN LOVE. THAT takes a consistent, long term approach to UA.

And it might well be that UA wouldn't have worked alone anyway because of medical issue, but you can't say that UA didn't work because you haven't given it a chance. With most people it takes 8 weeks to even start to see results. Admittedly, I don't read your thread, but I doubt you have ever achieved that.


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5013_qa.html

Actually, that isn't true. My H and I were doing very well with UA time while we had our older kids still living at home so they could baby sit. There were quite a few years there where we had at least 15 hours of UA time a week. That changed when our last older child moved out of the house in June. Actually, it changed a few months before that, when he started having issues and became a very unreliable sitter. But before that, especially when we had more than one of our older kids at home, we were doing very well with UA time. And the trip we took that I spoke of, when we were still unable to have successful SF, occurred during this time when we were doing well with UA time in general.

Yes, I think in our case, it is a medical issue. My H had his testosterone checked once and it was in the normal range, but on the low end of normal. His doctor suggested that he see an endo. He said both the PE and the impotence could potentially be caused by low testosterone.

Viagra may work for some cases of PE. No, it didn't work for us. Usually, the refractory period was quite long even with the use of Viagra and 2nd attempts were not always successful. Often, I was just too tired to try again by the time it was finally possible.

Cialis actually has a longer active period, and that's what they generally recommend for younger men according to our physician. It can last up to 36 hours. Not that the man will have a 36-hour erection, but that it can aid in the process of getting an erection with stimulation during this 36-hour period of time.

One thing to keep in mind though is expense. This may not be an issue for the OP, but it was for us. These medications are very expensive and not generally covered by insurance. They were running us around $28 for each pill. We finally had to give up on them because we simply couldn't afford it anymore.

How interesting that you knew about UA time before Marriage Builders and before your affair. However, I only know about the time since you have been on the board and you haven't been able to achieve UA time on any consistent basis.

But like I said earlier, the root of the problem can sometimes be a medical issue. Typically, being in love resolves sexual problems, though.


While it is risky, you can buy many of these pills from international pharmacies. For example, you can buy Viagra from some Indian pharmacies at a great savings. The trick is to do your research and find out which ones are legitimate and which are not.

Regarding the connection between porn/masturbation and premature ejaculation:

porn/masturbation conditions a man for premature ejaculation in several ways. He is often hurried (sometimes because he is trying to escape detection). He does not have to please a woman by his activities, so typically he finishes faster, creating the habit of finishing faster. If you look at the activities involved in the exercises that are suggested to overcome PE, they are practically the opposite of what a man does with porn.

For this reason I think the porn use should be eliminated to see if it has an impact.

There is some great material on this forum posted by HoldHerHand as to what porn usage does to a man's sexual response. It's not good, and it's definitely not good if a man intends to hold down a sexual relationship with a woman.

There is also a great thread about porn by Pepperband that explains what porn does to a man's ability to carry on a pleasing sexual relationship with his wife.

Thanks for the explanation, Markos, that makes perfect sense.

I found MB in 2008. At that time, I had 3 older kids living at home who were able to baby sit our youngest DD (who is now almost 4). That's the time I was referring to - the time after we found MB and actually had teens at home who were willing and able to baby sit. UA time only became an issue after they started leaving the nest.

Mel, why do you feel the need to constantly challenge me on issues regarding my own life that you clearly do not have a very good understanding of?

Now, back to helping the OP. I think UA time can be very helpful in regards to SF. I also think some SF problems cannot be solved by merely increasing UA time.

In my M, PE was pretty much always a problem. We had this issue since the very beginning of our M, and it happened on a fairly regular basis. It gradually got worse over time, in spite of trying many of the methods we read about in books and the medications (Viagra and Cialis) that my H's doctor prescribed. In the past few years, the PE has been complicated by impotence as well. I suspect this progression may all be part of the same medical condition, and is getting worse as the condition progresses. That may or may not be true for your H, but it is worth looking into with your doctor.

Actually, you challenged ME. And that is ok, but I felt the need to point out that your marriage has not been a happy one since you have posted here and you have had problems getting UA time for several years. Always unresolvable. I felt it was important for this poster to understand that the problem usually IS a lack of UA time according to Harley.

If she is going to get quality help here, my suggestion would be to stick with posters who have resolved these problems in their own marriages.

Even so, I don't want to make the thread about YOU, but about helping this poster.


Bunny, I think enlightenedex may have hit on something when he pointed out that frequency could be an issue. I know that once a week would create problems in my marriage.

Could that be an issue? What does your husband say about that?

ok, I just ran this by hubby and he disagrees with the point about there being a refractory period on Viagra. I couldn't remember for sure, but he did confirm that a refractory period is not necessarily the rule, at least with him.

This might be TMI. Possible warning.

I keep a prescription for levitra on hand. I have no issues that I actually need ED meds for. Long story short is I thought they'd be fun to play with every once in awhile when my wife go to a hotel for a weekend. Anyway, I'm the typical guy when it comes to a refractory period...around 20-30 minutes or so. I found with levitra that I don't have a refractory period at all for around 4-5 hours.

googling Levitra!

Levitra (Vardenafil)

Last Revision: July 15, 2011.



Why is this medication prescribed?

Vardenafil is used to treat erectile dysfunction (impotence; inability to get or keep an erection) in men. Vardenafil is in a class of medications called phosphodiesterase (PDE) inhibitors. It works by increasing blood flow to the penis during sexual stimulation. This increased blood flow can cause an erection. Vardenafil does not cure erectile dysfunction or increase sexual desire. Vardenafil does not prevent pregnancy or the spread of sexually transmitted diseases such as human immunodeficiency virus (HIV).

lol!

These meds work pretty much like the pre-workout vasodilators I take which has stuff like arginine that opens up the blood vessels and causes blood to flow and brings a 'pump' to the muscles.

Apparently these meds are pretty popular with college guys for those weekend hook ups. When I called my doc to get some samples, she wanted me to come in and get a physical and blood work. Now these meds are awesome if you have ED. For me, I was compltely embarrase answering the questions from the nurse and the doctor...almost like my manhood was being challnged. Anyway, in the end, I was given some samples and a continuing script and told I should take my wife to Vegas for the weekend and take them on a test drive. Dang womens havin that fun at my squirmin expense.

Obviously, these medications work differently for different people. I imagine they would have a different effect when used by someone who doesn't actually have ED as opposed to someone who does. And, of course, there are differing levels of ED. My H's seems to have progressed to a more difficult level to treat. Honestly, even when he was using ED meds, I didn't really notice any difference in the quality or length of our SF. I could see no discernible difference than how he performed when he wasn't taking them. But the meds do say that they will affect everyone differently, and that they do not work for all people. I guess my H is one of the unlucky ones that do not respond well to them.

The OP will only know if they will work for her and her H once they actually try them.

But I think it's worthwhile to explore other options first. Marcos made some good points about how porn/masturbation can pre-condition a man to have issues with PE. And I have read elsewhere that increasing frequency can help with PE problems.

Like Doc Harley says, try the simplest things first. Emphasizing UA and frequent SF may be all that's required. I'd start there.

Start here. Right here.

No need to use medications or see a doctor if he is choking the chicken to porn.


Porn can cause all sorts of sexual problems for men. From PE, to ED.


If your husband is using porn, it needs to STOP, C-O-M-P-L-E-T-L-Y.


And it will take 90 days of no porn, at the least, for him to recover his sexual stamina.


The porn has to GO.

Porn use causes a cornucopia of sexual problems for men, and PE actually is one of them. Google "your brain on porn."

"It has been almost 2 years now and although we have put the PA and OM behind us, we are still living with issues in our marriage."


You think you have put all behind you it is evident your BH has not.


"First off, we have been trying to get the UA time in, but must admit it hasn't been as easy as it sounds."


You found the UA time for the OM.


"SF, I am usually left extremely disappointed and am currently struggling with what I should do about it. Then my PA began and.... It was only during the PA I started to realize that SF with DH wasn't what I had wanted. The PA lasted over 2 years before D-Day."

"It took a while for DH and I to venture into SF."

"But then the disappointment hits and I retreat. I realize the lack of UA only fuelled the issues."

"It has devastated DH as he is still dealing with low self-esteem from my PA and now can't satisfy me with SF." From what I've read on the forum, this issue could be related to porn and/or self-gratification, but I don't want to jump to conclusions. I haven't asked him about it yet, as I want to make sure I do it properly. Unfortunately, because we haven't done our UA duties, I don't feel very supportive to him in this and focus on my own frustration. I don't know how much/if he wants to talk about it (I suppose I should ask him), so we dance around the elephant in the room.

"As I mentioned above, I usually initiate SF because unless I am ready for it, his advances turn me right off. But this means our SF doesn't happen very often."

What I read is a BH that was losing interest in SF before the affair. One problem to be solved.

Second problem is a BH that has a WW that didn�t find out what great sex was till she did OM. A WW needs to answer a BH�s questions post dday and not lie. Well there is a difference between truthful and brutally honest.

So there is a BH that showed losing interest in SF before affair and he now knows he can�t match the OM post affair in the bedroom. Then a WW that gets turned off by her BH�s advances. No motivation for this BH to want to regain his ability in the bedroom.

This BH knows that he turns off his wife and can only provide second rate SF. Plus what triggers are there for the BH. Was OM in your home, live close by?

A clean start is needed. A move far away to new surroundings. Probably there is a porn addiction that needs to be ended. And counseling with the Harley�s because things may appear on the surface to be better with your BH but there are huge resentments and fears.

Your BH needs more then you going NC with the OM to get over where he is at.

You needing SF can be a passive aggressive way for your BH to handle your affair and his feelings of inadequacy.

bunny,
I agree with all of the MB advice above. An intact relationship is paramount. Radical honesty, openness, affection, UA, POJA; it's all critical and primary with your husband's PE situation.

The porn has to go as well. Have your husband read about the contrast effect and all the articles by Dr. Harley about porn use. He will be glad he did.

About the time of my D, I read an article in Men's Health that picqued my interest so I bought the book they were trying to sell. The book changed my thinking on SF, intimacy, male/female interactions. It is written by a man (PH,D, sex therapist) who suffered from PE. The book is called "She Comes First." It's written in a fun, non-threatening way and cuts through taboos; giving the reader a new knowledge base for intimacy. I would recommend any man and woman in an intimate romantic relationship to read it together.

opt

Torally agree with what the road says.

Apart from that you should know that some men have a form of genetic variety that has them ejaculate very quickly. Allthough this is something you may be able to influence a little bit, it will be quite impossible to expect him to become someone who can go for hours. Even if he wants to please you so bad and even if he would love to do for you what the other man did.

How cruel is that?

Why do you think he becomes angry and frustrated if it happens again? Because he feels like a failure. Again. Unable to satisfy his wife, who has cruelly stated that anything else than prolonged intercourse is not up to her standard.
I can only imagine how low he feels. Why are you so cruel to him?
You must understand that sex can make a man feel like the cares of the world have been taken off his shoulders.
That he is worthy.
That there is this one person in the world he can go to who will make him feel loved and wanted and appreciated and safe and cared for. That is what sex with you should do for him.

Tell me, how are YOU living up to that standard?
Stop thinking about yourself for once and start healing the man whose heart you trampled on.
How is he supposed to feel if you, at last agree to have sex with him. Is it any wonder he has trouble getting it up? And after he fails again he knows you will silently be angry with him.

First, realize that it is not his fault that he is wired to ejaculate early. I don't orgasm through intercourse (so I am sure my fantastic, satisfying, multiple times a day, sex life is not up to your standards), which is how I am wired.
Do you think it is of any use to me that other people, who are wired differently find that easy?
I get pregnant easily. To you think that consoles my friend who has been hoping for years?

Your husband will probably not mutate into a we-go-at-it-for-hours-at-a-time man. And if you loved him at all you would try to make the best of your sex life, without trying to turn a dog into a cow.
There are lots of things he could please you with, without havibg hours of intercourse. Don't you think he would be happy to know he could please you like no other man ever could? You should be his ally, not his judge. How do you think he would feel if he knew that you loved him and it would be ok to have sex wih you and showing you his vulnerabilities?

You don't seem to know very much about sex, if at first you had no problems with your husbands lovemaking and then you all of a sudden thought your boyfriend was all that. Maybe, just maybe there are vast landscapes of lovemaking that you and your husband have yet to discover.

But you should stop being so critical. If he touches you the way you like to be touched, tell him how fantastic that feels, moan, let him know. Tell him again the next day how good it felt. And tell him next week. He must know what he does right. After I told my husband again and again how inventive he was and how good he made me feel, well, over the course of the last 10 years he turned into a sex 'god' if I may say so. He has become so good that I am trembling at the idea of how good he will be in another 10 years.

But you have to give your husband the self confidence to experiment and become your best lover ever. The OM was no good, because he put you in a bad position. Give your husband the love he deserves. Why not make it all about him for a change? He and you will never feel better about sex as long as you make it a once a week disappointing event. Touch him every day and make it your sport to have him satisfied as often as possible.

If he comes that fast, doesn't that give you plenty options for naughty quickies in the closet at aunty May's birthday party?

Be a bit more creative. Don't dissapoint me!

God bless and have fun,

Happyheart