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I asked in another post, but it got lost. Can some of you please share a schedule for undivided attention. I would particularly like to see some for those with children still at home. Mine don't need a babysitter, but my husband still needs to see them. Dr. Harley recommends 2 to 3 hours of undivided attention each day. So if the husband gets home at 6. You all eat dinner together, clean up afterward it is then 7. If you then leave with your husband and come back at 9. Everyone gets ready for bed at that time and husband could get work done until 10 if he wished. If you do that Mon, Tues and Thurs then basically he only sees the children on weekends with the exception of dinner. And even then if the kids have activities and you are still supposed to have 9 more hours of undividied attention along with church. Just trying to see practical examples please. Thank you.
Last edited by tiredwife45; 08/24/12 06:40 AM.
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I don't have any practical examples, but there's another thread on this topic that you might be able to get some ideas from Child Care Issues and UA Time. Hope that helps!
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My wife and I just returned from three weeks together in Italy. That was some pretty practical UA time  On a more serious note, we have date nights cemented in the calendar. Her kids are 18 and almost 20. My child is with her wayward mother a little over 1/2 the time, but may be moving here as she wants to attend school in my district. Still at her age, we can take off for a couple of hours to have UA time and not worry about her. What sorts of things are you finding in common in your questionnaires? Other thoughts, sounds like your kids are old enough to be in charge of clean up. Why not have dinner ready when you H gets home, eat dinner and then tell the kids you are going out and expect they have the clean up done before you get back and before they leave and/or entertain themselves, etc?
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We can get in a couple of hours just meeting for lunch during the week. I think your biggest issue, though, is that you are trying to keep your child-and-church-centered marriage, and that won't work. The marriage needs to be at the center, and you fit children and church activities around it.
Children would rather have two parents in love with each other than two parents who hover over them and let them call the shots and make the decisions about what the family does with their time.
We have often left our oldest to prepare a frozen pizza for himself and his three younger siblings while H and I went out to dine at a fancy restaurant. You DON'T have to have family dinner every night of the week. Let the kids eat together twice a week, and you and your husband can go to dinner alone and then find another activity afterward. We have parked by the lake to talk, gone to pubs, gone shopping, walked through the neighborhood, went swimming at the pool, took the boat out, went bowling, you get the idea.
Since your kids are older, it's time to encourage them to feel comfortable being more independent anyway. They don't need you to fix their dinner everyday, they need to learn to do that themselves unless you are planning to have them live with you forever.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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I asked in another post, but it got lost. Can some of you please share a schedule for undivided attention. I would particularly like to see some for those with children still at home. Mine don't need a babysitter, but my husband still needs to see them. Dr. Harley recommends 2 to 3 hours of undivided attention each day. So if the husband gets home at 6. You all eat dinner together, clean up afterward it is then 7. If you then leave with your husband and come back at 9. Everyone gets ready for bed at that time and husband could get work done until 10 if he wished. If you do that Mon, Tues and Thurs then basically he only sees the children on weekends with the exception of dinner. And even then if the kids have activities and you are still supposed to have 9 more hours of undividied attention along with church. Just trying to see practical examples please. Thank you. The examples are easy. I'll give you mine in a minute, but you won't necessarily like doing what we like doing, or live in an area where you can access the kind of things we can. You need to work on your own examples, based on your likes and resources. Where you are STILL going wrong is the way you are STILL phrasing the question as: "We have to do these things with our kids and church and that only leaves....time for UA". I spent a lot of time writing to you yesterday about changing your mindset, but I don't see any response to my suggestions. You need to come up with ways of rearranging H's working hours and other commitments so that UA time can be fitted in as a priority. You don't seem to be grasping that yet, and are still stuck where you were yesterday. My UA schedule in a typical week: Sunday: a long walk. We live in London and can drive out to nearby countryside and walk along disused railway lines (fascinating) or take public rights-of-way across fields, on dozens of routes. We can also choose any suburb near us and walk around the houses and high streets. London is loaded with the plaques and statues of famous poets, writers etc who lived in the most interesting places. Highgate and Hampstead in north London alone could keep us occupied for a few years. Lastly, we can go into central London and explore the royal parks and palaces, the Roman city, and hundreds of cobbled streets and ancient buildings. One weekday: go back to bed after my son (16) has gone to school  and then out for a cheap lunch. Within driving distance, we can choose from scores of restaurants that offer cheap meal deals at lunchtime (e.g. �7 per head for starter and main course). Morning nookie after my son has gone to school is my absolute favourite naughty activity. One weekday evening: the pub. We don't drink much alcohol but this is a good venue for sitting and talking. Saturday afternoons: A drive (perhaps an hour each way) to a rural market town where we browse the stalls, or we go in to central London and see an old film at the cinema club we belong to. There may be time for a stop at a pub before we get home to our son, or we get him to join us in town and go out for a meal. These activities take three or four hours, and I can add a Sunday morning lie-in to boost the total most weeks. We write down the out-of-house activities every Sunday or Monday evening. That way, I make a commitment to getting home from work early on the pub night, and I plan my housework around the days I work from home. My son is 16 and has spent the last couple of years at when he is not at school, in his room supposedly studying, and occasionally out with friends. He is not a great socialiser and does not go out in groups much, but we get additional long periods alone when he goes on a school trip or visits relatives out of London. He does not want to be dragged round educational places with his parents any more, which suits us! He goes out for days with my daughter when she is home (frequently) from university. So, he is basically occupied with schoolwork, and is mainly off our hands.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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We can get in a couple of hours just meeting for lunch during the week. I think your biggest issue, though, is that you are trying to keep your child-and-church-centered marriage, and that won't work. The marriage needs to be at the center, and you fit children and church activities around it. My father-in-law had a beautiful talk with me before I married his daughter. He explained his view that God wants family (marriage and children, and I believe it is in that order) to come FIRST, that putting the church first is not putting God first if it involves putting the church over my wife, because God has commanded me to care for my wife and family. He explained that participating in every church activity did not seem to equate with love for God, to him. Prior to that, I was of the "be at every church event and attend worship every time the doors are open" mindset. I just thought that that was the way people ought to be. I'm so glad he spoke to me that way, because it made it easier to apply POJA when I saw it. It turned out shortly after we got married that Prisca didn't want to attend church every time the doors were open. I was nasty and judgmental to her about it (hadn't figured out Marriage Builders, yet), but eventually I learned enough to see how this had to stop. It turns out that Christ commands us to stop worshiping, lay our gifts at the alter, and go make things right in our relationships if they are not. It's in the Bible, in the words in red. My father-in-law, and Dr. Harley, were right: relationships come before church, and the FIRST relationship of all is marriage. That's not just Dr. Harley's view or somebody's personal opinion: it's in the Bible.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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We can get in a couple of hours just meeting for lunch during the week. I think your biggest issue, though, is that you are trying to keep your child-and-church-centered marriage, and that won't work. The marriage needs to be at the center, and you fit children and church activities around it. On another note, though, are both husband and wife in this marriage looking for a way to make UA time work? I see a lot of wives trying to figure out here, alone on this board, how to make UA time work, and the real problem is that they are not working together to solve the problem.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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And even then if the kids have activities and you are still supposed to have 9 more hours of undividied attention along with church. Just trying to see practical examples please. Thank you. A reminder that your UA time take precedence over the kids activities and your church, so plan your UA time FIRST and then fit less important things around that. So if the husband gets home at 6. You all eat dinner together, clean up afterward it is then 7. If you then leave with your husband and come back at 9. Everyone gets ready for bed at that time and husband could get work done until 10 if he wished. If you do that Mon, Tues and Thurs then basically he only sees the children on weekends with the exception of dinner. And even then if the kids have activities and you are still supposed to have 9 more hours of undividied attention along with church. Just trying to see practical examples please. Thank you. Monday: 8 to 10 spent at home 2 hours Tuesday: 6:30 to 10 out to dinner/drive 3.5 hours Wednesday church with the family 9-10 at home 1 hour Thursday 6:30 to 10 out for activity 3.5 hours Friday family night 9 to 10 UA after kids in bed 2 hours Saturday all day with children 5 to 9 dancing and dinner 4 hours Sunday: church with children - evening with children 1 to 5 UA time 4 hours There ya go! Thats 20 hours of UA time and plenty of time for your kids.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I asked in another post, but it got lost. Can some of you please share a schedule for undivided attention. I would particularly like to see some for those with children still at home. Mine don't need a babysitter, but my husband still needs to see them. Dr. Harley recommends 2 to 3 hours of undivided attention each day. So if the husband gets home at 6. You all eat dinner together, clean up afterward it is then 7. If you then leave with your husband and come back at 9. Everyone gets ready for bed at that time and husband could get work done until 10 if he wished. If you do that Mon, Tues and Thurs then basically he only sees the children on weekends with the exception of dinner. And even then if the kids have activities and you are still supposed to have 9 more hours of undividied attention along with church. Just trying to see practical examples please. Thank you. Start off with a blank schedule for the week. Try a day planner, or print out a chart online. Sit down together. If your husband won't sit down with you on this exercise, get help. Fill out 15-30 hours on the schedule. Mark it UA time. Plan activities alone together for that time. Fill out 15 hours on the schedule. Mark it family commitment time. Put down 8 hours a night for you each to sleep. Fill in everything else as needed. If boxes are full when someone says they want you on another time slot, SAY NO.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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[TJ] Hi Markos, when did you move from Ruritania? [/TJ]
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Markos.. Very helpful thank you.
To the poster that mentioned getting kids to clean up and cook. They do!!!! My 17yo is actuall the one that cooked dinner last night and we all had it at different times. I had to go help feed the great grandmother who just got out of the hospital to the nursing home. They can't get her to eat. I ctually got her to eat her meal and I called my motherinlaw so she could visit with her mom. So it was all done, cleaned up and in the fridge when I got back. My oldest son is also the one who does all the children's laundry. Every monday he does this. He cooks at least once a week. Believe me, I'm sending him to college with life skills. B
BTW that is another thing we have had to deal with: ill relatives. Right now it is his grandmother. We are the only relatives close by. Her daughters are on opposite side of the country and their husbands have had MAJOR medical issues. My fil just got out of ICU, so they can't really help. A few years ago it was my father who had to come live with us for 9 months. Then he lived in town and the kids and I spent 1 day each week driving him to Walmart or to a doctor or whatever.
Melody..wow..what a completely different way to live and my husband would probably like that.. That is what he wanted when we were first married for when he was home for me to be home, but then that means I don't have any friends... Plus it seems selfish as living for our own family instead of serving others.. But I guess maybe he was right.. I just have to give up my life.. I just don't know if I can. So what you are describing means:
Mon- 8-12 schooling daughter 1-5 supervising older boys when they get back from dual credit classes at the cc, paying bills, cleaning house, etc My daughter has orchestra this night but I guess I should make her give that up. I would only have to drive 1/2 the time as my friend takes them half the time, but I guess if I need to leave it open, then I will make her quit. We could do the 3 1/2 hours then..
Tues- 8-1 Schooling daughter and supervising sons ( mainly Ancient history with oldest, driver's ed and math with middle..the rest is outsourced) 1-5 I drive an hour to a neighboring town for my daughter to do choir and violin. I go to Walmart there ( bring a cooler) and do our weekly grocery shopping while she is practicing.) While I am gone the boys are doing school and driving themselves to their piano lessons. However, if we do the policy of joint agreement I won't be driving to the town. Hubby wants to find a teacher here in town. There isn't one in our small town... The problem with your 6:30 plan is that Tuesday nights are office meeting nights at 6. Not every Tuesday but twice a month..
So we could put the 2 hours at home here. ( We live on 50 acres so we could go walking the fence row, picnic by one of the ponds, etc.)
Wednesday
8-12 Boys at their college classes and my daughter and I are at homeschool co-op where I am teaching music classes.
1-4 Homeschool at home.
At 4 daughter and I leave for the children's choir I direct. The boys come later for youth and daughter has AWANA meanwhile I go to adult choir and praise team. Husband is working at home.
9-10 One hour no problem here
Thursday-
8-4 School at home for my oldest and youngest. I take my middle on and a friend to their history/literature class in a neighboring town at 10 and my friend picks them up at 4 and brings them home. Ok, oldest could be in charge of dinner and e could go out and do 3-4 hours here
Friday- Family night... except grin.. football season.. my dh is team doctor and the boys walk it with him.. I guess it would be gal and girl night on those nights..
Saturday- Boy..we would have to cram everything into this day to take care of this place.. mowing, fixing the fence, doing stuff with the cows, etc. I guess his projects go here.. I'm not seeing you have any time for his fix it projects.. 4 hours of UA somewhere..Um no dancing. Every time we have ever tried dancing including dating we have ended up in a fight. I took 12 years of dance and it is really hard to follow someone who doesn't lead, so we decided to not dance for the health of our marriage.
Sunday- everyone at church. I would switch to 4 hours in the afternoon. We already have a tradition of our Sunday afternoon "nap" where the kids don't disturb us. But the boys have youth in the evening so there wouldn't be anyone to watch our daughter if we did it in the evening.
So basically, the only people I would see if I do what I said above would be on Wednesday and Sunday morning. ( Taking my youngest out of violin lessons, choir and orchestra which I hesitate to do because she LOVES it and she is already lonely at home. She is my social butterfly. The boys could care less.) Other than that the only people I would have any conversation with would be my husband and children.. That just feels so incredibly claustrophobic.... Plus, we didn't do this much fun stuff when we were dating. We were both in college/medical school and studying. The struggle for me will e for me to be home when I love people and for my husband to give up being productive ( though that is a struggle for me as well.)
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Once you fall in love with your husband again (romantic love) you won't miss socializing with others, because then you will see them as people who simply keep you away from your favorite companion. I never feel claustrophobic being with my husband, and when we met I had a large, large group of people I hung out with regularly, seven days a week. Now I have just a few good friends who I don't even see much except for the occasional lunch or daytime outing while my H is at work.
Good friends, the keepers, will still be your friends even if they know they aren't high on your regular priority list.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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But that is just it, I don't have any friends.. Ok, maybe 1. I will have to trust you though it feels like jumping off a cliff. Growing up and in college, I wasn't ever home. I was at church activities, drama/play practices, dance classes and choir/voice lessos/ensembles. But then again, with my parents screaming at each other and my bipolar dad, home wasn't a safe place to be. I felt happy anywhere else.
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Tiredwife:
I also homeschool my 4 children. They are 15, 14, 11, and 9. Find a violin teacher who can teach your daughter during the day (my kids take their music lessons during the day) so you don't have to leave at night again.
Also, can you meet your husband for lunch, snack, etc during his work day ? Your older kids can watch your daughter.
On Sundays you could nap for an hour and then take a walk for an hour, or go fishing at the pond,etc.
I don't have lots of girlfriends either, but I meet one here and there for a lunch date during the week.
Get creative. Simplify your schedule if possible. One of the benefits of homeschooling is that we have more flexibility...be flexible !!!!
me: FWW/BW
Married 20 years, 4 kids
We made it.
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Markos.. Very helpful thank you.
To the poster that mentioned getting kids to clean up and cook. They do!!!! My 17yo is actuall the one that cooked dinner last night and we all had it at different times. I had to go help feed the great grandmother who just got out of the hospital to the nursing home. They can't get her to eat. I ctually got her to eat her meal and I called my motherinlaw so she could visit with her mom. So it was all done, cleaned up and in the fridge when I got back. My oldest son is also the one who does all the children's laundry. Every monday he does this. He cooks at least once a week. Believe me, I'm sending him to college with life skills. B
BTW that is another thing we have had to deal with: ill relatives. Right now it is his grandmother. We are the only relatives close by. Her daughters are on opposite side of the country and their husbands have had MAJOR medical issues. My fil just got out of ICU, so they can't really help. A few years ago it was my father who had to come live with us for 9 months. Then he lived in town and the kids and I spent 1 day each week driving him to Walmart or to a doctor or whatever.
Melody..wow..what a completely different way to live and my husband would probably like that.. That is what he wanted when we were first married for when he was home for me to be home, but then that means I don't have any friends... Plus it seems selfish as living for our own family instead of serving others.. But I guess maybe he was right.. I just have to give up my life.. I just don't know if I can. So what you are describing means:
Mon- 8-12 schooling daughter 1-5 supervising older boys when they get back from dual credit classes at the cc, paying bills, cleaning house, etc My daughter has orchestra this night but I guess I should make her give that up. I would only have to drive 1/2 the time as my friend takes them half the time, but I guess if I need to leave it open, then I will make her quit. We could do the 3 1/2 hours then..
Tues- 8-1 Schooling daughter and supervising sons ( mainly Ancient history with oldest, driver's ed and math with middle..the rest is outsourced) 1-5 I drive an hour to a neighboring town for my daughter to do choir and violin. I go to Walmart there ( bring a cooler) and do our weekly grocery shopping while she is practicing.) While I am gone the boys are doing school and driving themselves to their piano lessons. However, if we do the policy of joint agreement I won't be driving to the town. Hubby wants to find a teacher here in town. There isn't one in our small town... The problem with your 6:30 plan is that Tuesday nights are office meeting nights at 6. Not every Tuesday but twice a month..
So we could put the 2 hours at home here. ( We live on 50 acres so we could go walking the fence row, picnic by one of the ponds, etc.)
Wednesday
8-12 Boys at their college classes and my daughter and I are at homeschool co-op where I am teaching music classes.
1-4 Homeschool at home.
At 4 daughter and I leave for the children's choir I direct. The boys come later for youth and daughter has AWANA meanwhile I go to adult choir and praise team. Husband is working at home.
9-10 One hour no problem here
Thursday-
8-4 School at home for my oldest and youngest. I take my middle on and a friend to their history/literature class in a neighboring town at 10 and my friend picks them up at 4 and brings them home. Ok, oldest could be in charge of dinner and e could go out and do 3-4 hours here
Friday- Family night... except grin.. football season.. my dh is team doctor and the boys walk it with him.. I guess it would be gal and girl night on those nights..
Saturday- Boy..we would have to cram everything into this day to take care of this place.. mowing, fixing the fence, doing stuff with the cows, etc. I guess his projects go here.. I'm not seeing you have any time for his fix it projects.. 4 hours of UA somewhere..Um no dancing. Every time we have ever tried dancing including dating we have ended up in a fight. I took 12 years of dance and it is really hard to follow someone who doesn't lead, so we decided to not dance for the health of our marriage.
Sunday- everyone at church. I would switch to 4 hours in the afternoon. We already have a tradition of our Sunday afternoon "nap" where the kids don't disturb us. But the boys have youth in the evening so there wouldn't be anyone to watch our daughter if we did it in the evening.
So basically, the only people I would see if I do what I said above would be on Wednesday and Sunday morning. ( Taking my youngest out of violin lessons, choir and orchestra which I hesitate to do because she LOVES it and she is already lonely at home. She is my social butterfly. The boys could care less.) Other than that the only people I would have any conversation with would be my husband and children.. That just feels so incredibly claustrophobic.... Plus, we didn't do this much fun stuff when we were dating. We were both in college/medical school and studying. The struggle for me will e for me to be home when I love people and for my husband to give up being productive ( though that is a struggle for me as well.) You got it!!! You put all those less important things aside and put your marriage FIRST. If you re-order your priorities you can do this. Just keep working on ideas and you can come up with a schedule of 20 hours for your marriage and 15 hours for your children. Everything else will have to be squeezed in where you can fit it. Serving others is GREAT, but not when it is done at the expense of your marriage and your family. All of the others here serve others without neglecting our marriages. You can do this too! Keep in mind, it is in your childrens best interest that you have a great marriage. That is much more important to their well being than ANYHTING.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I don't have lots of girlfriends either, but I meet one here and there for a lunch date during the week. Same here. I will meet a friend for lunch, but NEVER during the evenings or weekends when my husband is around. That time is FOR US. Although, we do go out some evenings for dinner with friends. But it doesn't take away from our UA time. THAT comes first. All of my friendships, family, career, etc serve to COMPLEMENT my marriage. I don't allow them to interfere with my marriage. If they interfere, then it is eliminated.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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MOds please delete all of my threads. He would be appalled. Thank you. Just take out my membership. Thanks
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MOds please delete all of my threads. He would be appalled. Thank you. Just take out my membership. Thanks well what the heck happened there? just when we were getting somewhere?
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who knows! 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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