a week ago I docovered an affair my wife had with my best friend. This did not come form her telling me, rather I had logged into her facebook page and found a message to him that all but confirmed my suspision. Not sure how I knew, but I could tell something was going on between the way both of them were acting. Intuition I guess. My wife has since disclosed all the information of the affair, and has offered for me to take her phone to a place to retrieve all prior text messages to confirm everything she has told me. I have also seen text messages back and forth with her best friend stating she finally disclosed everything, even though it came out in stages over the course of 24 hours after I found out. She does seem genuinely sorry and regretful for what has happened, but that has not made it any easier to deal with. The affair lasted about 3 months, had 5 sexual encounters, and 1st message to meet after text flirting was made by her drunk one night, same occurences with the second, the other 3 were made by him and were mid-day lunchtime quicky meetings. She made one attempt to end it after the 1st lunchtime meeting, then allowed it to continue when he told her she was ripping her heart out, and finally ended it after the third. She was drinking very heavily from about a month before it started all the way through, and I know she has a problem with alchohol, but that is no excuse for this. The physical affair was in addition to the texting affair, what she says was the part of it she was into more than the physical. She stated the physical to to keep the texting, which were sexual in nature, going. My feelings are all over the place. Angry, hurt, disresepected, the list goes on. I have had images, can't eat, sleep. She has been having some of the same issues. She is also throwing up daily. She says there was no emotional feelings for him, and I believe her. I've been with her for 14 years, I know when she is lying. She has a hard time figuring out why it happeneed, and we have counseling starting next Monday evening to try to start to figure out where to go from here. Is there anyway this can we can heal from this no matter how sorry she is? Any tricks to get the images out of my head? Anything to help me sleep/eat. She is answering all questions I have, no matter how painful, and that has helped a bit, to understand what happendd, but not why. I know every time, what positions, how long, and really every physical thing that happened that I was really hard to tell and hear, and we were very graphic in our disclosure. She also continued to have sex with me through this entire time to fulfill her sexual needs as she said the sex with him was not doing it. She said she couldnt even keep her eyes open when it was going on, and she was relieved it was lunch quickes and right in front of our houses so it never lasted more than 5 minutes. THis makes it even more hard to understand, but I guess she was hearing the things and getting the attention she somehow fealt she needed through the texting relationship. I generally feel like a light swithc. One minute I can look at her, talk to her, and try to spend time with the family. Then other times I can't even look at her without complete disgust and betrayal. How could someone that claims to lov someone as she claims to still love me do something like this. How could it take 3 months for her to realize what kind of damage she was doing, and not thinking of me and kids, instead of her own selfish desires first. Eventually it did, but after 3 months. I discovered it about about a month after she had ended it. He still tried to continue it after she ended it, but the second time she did not allow it to continue. I believe her in this was her only affair, as I had no question something was going on, and it didnt take me long to figure it out after it startred, just a while to obtain the proof I needed. I can read her like an open book. Can her upbringing have anything to do withthis? She had a very rough early life with drug addict parents, dad killed himself (which I was the one there for her), mom finally kicking crack. I just don't even know where to start. Hopefully counseling can give us some well needed answers

Hi rrr, welcome to Marriage Builders. So sorry for the reasons that brought you here.

Yes, your marriage can recover from this affair if you follow a very strict program. Most marriages do not recover from affairs. Rather, they limp along in a crippled state of the pre-affair marriage. This program helps you overcome this and teaches you to create a great, romantic marriage that is affair proofed.

That is not something marriage counseling can compete with. Marriage counseling has an 84% failure rate and is destructive to marriages. They have no idea how to save a marriage and even less of an idea how to save one after an affair. MC's have a higher personal divorce rate than the general population. They are little more than divorce faciliators.

And yes, your wife's upbringing might have something to do with her behavior in the present, but exploring her childhood is not the solution to your problem. It will be a distraction from your current problems, so I would not go there. Bringing problems of the past into the present won't solve current problems, in other words.

Is your wife an alcoholic?

Is the OM married, and if so, does his wife know?

Yes, I believe my wife is an alcoholic. Not that she has to drink everyday, but when she does she drinks to blackout. In the month leading to, and during the affair, she was drinking much more regularly than usual. twice during the week and every weekend night. the 2 encounters she texted to see if he wanted to come out are when she was drinking like this. He is not married, however, does live with someone. She does know, and although he tried to take no blame, I have told her more about what happened than she was told. She is not leaving, which i dont really understand. They have a 2 year relationship with no kids together, and more has come to light of others he has texted to try and start a extra relationship that neither me nor my wife knew. What is this program you are talking about. i would be interested in reading it. Counseling was the only thing we could think of to try to get some answers.

You are lucky in that if things are as they appear, then you are in far better shape to begin this program than most.

You say full disclosure took 24 hours? It takes 24 months of trickle truth in many cases.

Your wife will gladly give you her phone and access to all forms of communication (facebook, email, etc.)? That is a great first step and one that is necessary for recovery. You will still have to verify through snooping and vigilance which others will instruct you on. Most waywards fight this kind of openness tooth and nail, for good reason.

You say you can read her like an open book, but be careful here. ALL WAYWARDS LIE, they have to in order to carry on an affair. Some are horrible at it, others become very good and convincing. No matter how well you think you can read your wife, verify everything she tells you and don't blindly trust her.

Don't try to analyze "why" she had the affair, other than it being poor boundaries around other men.

My wife also decided to write a letter to the guy explaining her true feelings and has asked if she could send it. I have read it and it basically states

There are no feeling for him

She has no attracation which is why she never opened her eyes

It was all for the texts and she basically feels as if she had some kind of mental breakdown to allow this to happen in the first place, but this is no excuse

Not to try to contact her in any way, at any time for the rest of their lives

He will no longer be part of my kids lives

Disgust that he has not taken accountability for his part

That he disgusts her as a human being, as she disgusts herself right now

Sex was not good

And concludes reiterating not to try to contact her again

This problem will have to be addressed before your marriage can be recovered. Your wife is an alcoholic and will have to stop drinking. Will she stop drinking and enter a program of recovery for alcoholics?


Did you give her all the facts about the affair?


Your wife needs AA, but for your marriage, I would get the book, Surviving an Affair. It will give you a plan to recover your marriage.

That is a pretty good start. But the most important thing is that you approve of it and it is mailed by you. Do you approve of it? Here is the instructions and a template that is recommended by Dr Harley:


here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

Does your wife go out to bars and have a social circle that excludes you?

I'm sorry you're here, friend. Have you started reading the material on this site yet? While you're at it, you should get a copy of Surviving an Affair.

Do yourself a favor and understand that everything that your WW says is very likely to be a lie. Just as an example, from your own post:

1)She stated the physical to to keep the texting, which were sexual in nature, going.

2)She says there was no emotional feelings for him,

You do understand that these two sentences directly contradict each other, right? She had a physical relationship only to maintain the emotional needs he satisfied for her via the texts, but she needed nothing emotional from him?

So, having established that she's capable of lying, you should prepare for other lies to be revealed. That leads us to two things she will have to do.

1)She will have to agree to, and take, a polygraph exam.
2)She must arrange for a full set of STD tests for both of you.

And of course, she's going to have to enter, and follow indefinitely, a program to deal with her alcoholism.

She has disclosed her facebook, cell phone, email, etc to me. She has offered to allow me to take her phone with me any day I would like to ensure there is no contact. Every time she gets a text, she is telling me who it is and offering me her phone. I am checking her facebook daily. I guess that is a start. She did agree to be an open book and answer any questions I have.

She agreed to get professional help with her alcohol issues. She has stopped drinking and has an appointment set. So far, so good. But has a long way to go and I have set that as a precedent for any kind of reconciliation. She does not go to bars and does not have a social ring outside of the people we hang out with together.

Maybe I misworded the emotional part. I was typing fast. She admitted to the sexting relationship, from her hearing what she thought she needed to hear for whatever reason. That right there sounds like some sort of emotional relationship. What she told me was she does not love him, or had ever loved him. I do have a hard time believing she loved me the way she said she did while this was happening. How do you do that to someone you love? Something had obviously caused distance in her feelings for me. I can't believe anyone could act this way while truly loving someone else, even though she claims this is the case.

I'm very confused. She has said she will do anything and spend the rest of her life trying to make this up to me. Give me space, open her book, and do anything else I would like her to do. She has told me she would not blame me if I decided to leave, and if I did, she would deserve it, but really hoped I would find it inside myself to at least try and reconcile. I told her, and she has agreed, everything is on my terms. I'm going to read that book and maybe that will give some ideas on where to start, other than the disclosure and discussion end of it.

Well, my friend, it appears you are attempting to bury me in the same types of irrelevancies that I suspect(ed) WW is dumping on you.

Regardless of whether she gives you her phone, or her e-mail access, both of those media are one click of a button from being replicated in a version to which you DO NOT have access.

She and you must expose her illicit activities to her (and his, if possible) family. This is not to be viewed as a punishment. (Her shame during this action is only a fortuitous by-product!) The reason is to request that her loved ones will rally to her new commitment to your marriage, and assist her in maintaining her new fidelity.

If they met at work, she is going to have to leave that job, after exposing POSOM's actions there as well.

YOU DO NOT HAVE THE TRUTH ABOUT THE AFFAIR! Count on that as surely as the fact that the sun, if it rises in your town tomorrow, will do so from the East. This is the reason for the poly. The worst of the agonies on this site are suffered by BSs who "think" they have the full story, start recovery, and get the full awful details a year, two years, later.

YOU ARE NOT PROTECTED AGAINST ANY DISEASES THAT POSOM MAY HAVE BROUGHT TO YOUR WIFE FROM HIS OTHER AFFAIRS! Be assured that this guy was not a blushing virgin when he exchanged "jack-off" texts with WW. HPV is much the worse danger to females; with males it only occasionally leads to penile cancer! Shall we discuss HIV?

You want to negotiate? Go buy a car! What you've been told must be done is in your best interest, amigo.

We have brought the affair to her family and his. Her family is very much behind me right now, and they were just as shocked as I was. Her sister asked that no matter what happened that I still be her big brother. Her mom calls me every day to see how I am doing. She has told me she will support me in whatever decision I make. Her affair did not happen at work, but 3 of the 5 were on her 30 minute lunch break at either our house or his. We are neighbors and she only works 10 minutes away. Basically lunch quickies and back to work. I almost think there was some thrill in it that way, cause his girlfriend comes home for lunch so they were taking a big risk. Right outside our front yard was also a risk as she knows I would of come out if I woke up for any reason. I will look into poly, anyone else suggest this? Only ask because of all the reading I have done so far I have not seen this mentioned. I did just ask her if she would be willing, just to see if she is. And if it comes with any additional information in the process. Interested to see others advice on the Poly.

Edit: She has an appointment setup to test for STD. That was the first thing I requested since we were sleeping together this whole time. I did not setup an appointment, thinking if she was clean, then I should be fine, no? I have been with noone else.

Also seeing this where everyone that answered disagreed with Poly angle.
http://knoji.com/questions/Is-it-appropriate-to-ask-a-spouse-to-take-a-polygraph-test/

We are neighbors...

Oh, wow! You do understand this means that you'll have to move, right?

yes, we are planning on moving. I have people coming out to do work on the house this week to help get it ready to either sell/rent. Market may dictate renting as the best option.

rrr,

I don't know if you have done a lot of reading already, but both you and your wife have made a lot of positive step already in this early going.

Her full disclosure, complete and radical honesty, no contact ever for life, and writing a no-contact letter (the one suggested, not the one she came up with), exposure, and a willingness to move are all required steps in this program can be hard for most waywards. You are well ahead of the curve!

Polygraph is an extreme measure. You may not have or will ever experience this, but being fed half-truths and then subsequent rediscovery can be more painful and harmful than the original D-day. If the feeling that your wife hasn't told you everything is holding you back, then the polygraph is something you may want to explore.

If you are satisfied that she had done her best to come completely clean, then it probably isn't necessary. Don't let other posters beat you up about getting one if YOU are satisfied.

I believe she is telling the truth and is more than willing to take a poly to put my mind at ease. She completely understands why i don't trust her, and won't for quite some time. Now that it's been over a week, I am really questioning if I can get over something like this. I'm like a switch. We had a great night the other night. Laughed, talked, sat together on the couch for the first time. Felt like we really had a chance to move past this with time and a healing process. Then the next day (yesterday), I couldn't get it out of my mind. I ended up going to a buddy's house to watch the game and have a couple cold beers and stayed there. Then caught myself looking at the cost of separation. Wow. I really would like to try and work it out. Keep my family together. I just don't know how I can do it if it is constantly on my mind. Maybe it gets better with time. Maybe it will be better once we move and I don't have to see his house/car everyday. That is what I am hoping. Maybe it's just takes time to make it easier. But since I have never been through this, it is also possible it won't pass and we will never have a healthy relationship again. I really don't know what to expect. I will vow to fight to try and save our family, but I will call it quits if at any point I realize it just won't ever be a healthy one again. You only live once, and I can't live miserable.

It is still early days yet and healing takes a long time. I am almost 10 months out and still can't get it out of my mind and wonder if separation is the better option. But at least give yourself and kids a chance to work on the marriage.

Have you read SAA yet? Is she willing to provide you with just compensation?

I just ordered the book. It is on the way. Not sure what you mean by just compensation

rr, those are excellent questions and we can help you with that. If you stick with us, you WON'T be thinking about it every day and you will have a marriage that is healthier than what you had before. I know it seems unbelievable, but if you follow this program it will transform your marriage. It will take about a year or two to truly recover from this.

You are correct that you will feel better FASTER once you are away from the OM. That is a daily trigger for you and your wife that will lead to disaster, so I am glad you are moving.

Just so you know, most marriages do not recover from affairs because they don't take the steps employed here. They end up in a bitter resentful marriage for years. You don't have to be like that.

The way to avoid that is to affair proof your marriage and make your present marriage GREAT. We can teach you how to do it.

Check this out:

Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?