Hi everyone,

This is my first post here.
Two years ago My husband found this website and suggested that we try the POJA. I read through the website, and readily agreed to try it. It looked like it would be the solution to all our issues!!!

Unfortunately, I found that it made things worse

My husband has been diagnosed with Aspergers.
And since, from what I can gather, your expectations and needs in a relationship with some one on the autistic spectrum need to change.... Do the same principles apply?

Has the POJA taken into account the challenges that mental differences pose on relationships?

Or the inability to relate to another persons EN, rather than choosing not to?

I know my husband would readily choose to do anything to help our marriage... it doesnt always mean he can... and I can want to accept that all I like... but it doesnt always mean I can...

Thanks for reading

Unfortunately I still don't feel that it addresses the issue of whether techniques applied to a "neurotypical" marriage can translate into a mixed neurological marriage.

We have been in therapy together and separately for a few months. Married for 4 years (no kids). To be succinct about this, the marriage advice I have been given has either been "Accept, accept, accept" or "Leave, leave, leave".

It would be nice if there were some ways to apply the POJA to our marriage without meltdowns and weeks of isolation when things don't go as planned.

Otherwise the outcome will be no change which should also be very reassuring. I do not see how this is not working for you. Maybe you could give us an example of your use of POJA?

But the "no change' is not a proper solution to marital problems. It is the temporary position that Dr Harley recommends while positive solutions are brainstormed. Therefore, "no change" would be reassuring to the Aspergers spouse forever, but the non-Aspergers spouse might never be able to achieve a solution to the problem if the affected spouse dislikes change of any kind.

You can't solve marital problems by do nothing about them.

It would be nice if there were some ways to apply the POJA to our marriage without meltdowns and weeks of isolation when things don't go as planned.

I agree but I was responding specifically to her question


I could not see how using the POJA could be triggering meltdowns and weeks of isolation.

Thank you for the link.

Unfortunately I still don't feel that it addresses the issue of whether techniques applied to a "neurotypical" marriage can translate into a mixed neurological marriage.

We have been in therapy together and separately for a few months. Married for 4 years (no kids). To be succinct about this, the marriage advice I have been given has either been "Accept, accept, accept" or "Leave, leave, leave".

It would be nice if there were some ways to apply the POJA to our marriage without meltdowns and weeks of isolation when things don't go as planned.

But thank you again for your time and consideration!!!

Asperger syndrome (AS), also known as Asperger's syndrome or Asperger disorder, is an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) that is characterized by significant difficulties in social interaction, alongside restricted and repetitive patterns of behavior and interests. It differs from other autism spectrum disorders by its relative preservation of linguistic and cognitive development. Although not required for diagnosis, physical clumsiness and atypical (peculiar, odd) use of language are frequently reported.[1][2]

The syndrome is named after the Austrian pediatrician Hans Asperger who, in 1944, studied and described children in his practice who lacked nonverbal communication skills, demonstrated limited empathy with their peers, and were physically clumsy.[3] The modern conception of Asperger syndrome came into existence in 1981[4] and went through a period of popularization,[5][6] becoming standardized as a diagnosis in the early 1990s. Many questions remain about aspects of the disorder.[7] For example, there is doubt about whether it is distinct from high-functioning autism (HFA);[8] partly because of this, its prevalence is not firmly established.[1] It has been proposed that the diagnosis of Asperger's be eliminated, to be replaced by a diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder on a severity scale.[9]

The exact cause is unknown. Although research suggests the likelihood of a genetic basis,[1] there is no known genetic etiology[10][11] and brain imaging techniques have not identified a clear common pathology.[1] There is no single treatment, and the effectiveness of particular interventions is supported by only limited data.[1] Intervention is aimed at improving symptoms and function. The mainstay of management is behavioral therapy, focusing on specific deficits to address poor communication skills, obsessive or repetitive routines, and physical clumsiness.[12] Most children improve as they mature to adulthood, but social and communication difficulties may persist.[7] Some researchers and people with Asperger's have advocated a shift in attitudes toward the view that it is a difference, rather than a disability that must be treated or cured.[13][14]

Because the MB methods aren't about creating EMPATHY, they are about creating HABITS that demonstrate care.

Thank you all again for your posts!

I can agree and understand how the POJA can work in practical solutions.
The actually making of a decision is made easier for us by POJA, yes!

But if life happens, and something unforeseen happens (illness, work, friends, vet trips etc...) or perhaps I find something we have agreed upon is something I have found, after trying it, is something I would like to re-evaluate... it gets messy. Once something is agreed upon it feels like a law. It is almost like having the set agreement makes some of his rigid approaches to life more validity to be rigid, then it falls apart. I have become too scared to agree to anything for fear of having it held against me. Or as I said.. meltdowns and and isolation.

As per EN, yes having direct and explicit instructions on how to meet them can work. For a limited time. Asking for a hug is no big deal. Asking for one every day, in all circumstances, in all states of vulnerability can become a whole lot more taxing than just going without.

I struggle specifically with the emotional need for conversation and sexual fulfillment. My husband enjoys talking about about his special interests, but gets bored and confused if the topic is not directly related to him or his interests and will quickly gear the conversation (or "telling" which is how I see it as there are very limited interactive aspects) back to his safe zone. This leaves me feeling unheard, invalid and uninteresting. Sex, he will openly admit, is just not a priority for him and is more stressful than not... we have definitely tried to POJA this one for 2 years.. again.. you can say what you need, but it becomes incredibly taxing day-by-day, year-by-year. Every EN has to be expressed from scratch every time.

I love my husband dearly. Aspies have amazing qualities and are some of the most golden-hearted people I can imagine! But I feel like a bird in love with a fish. Do I love him? YES! Can I negotiate day to day life while breathing different atmospheres? I would love to know how.

I may look into the radio show, but as I live in Malaysia, the logistics of it are quite difficult.

Warmness and gratefulness for your thoughts

But if life happens, and something unforeseen happens (illness, work, friends, vet trips etc...) or perhaps I find something we have agreed upon is something I have found, after trying it, is something I would like to re-evaluate... it gets messy. Once something is agreed upon it feels like a law. It is almost like having the set agreement makes some of his rigid approaches to life more validity to be rigid, then it falls apart. I have become too scared to agree to anything for fear of having it held against me. Or as I said.. meltdowns and and isolation.