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Dr Harley testifies against Mental Health Screening Law in Minnesota:
"In 2001, a Minnesota bill which would have mandated mental health screening in public schools was defeated. Discussing his testimony against the bill, psychologist Bill Harley stated, �I asked the members how they would feel about a legislature-wide screening (of politicians) for mental health disorders along with early intervention. Those doing the screening would be paid by the legislature to provide extensive therapy, if a potential problem were found to exist in any of them. And, of course, the results of the screening would be available to a host of individuals, along with the therapeutic plan and their willingness to cooperate with that plan.
�Then, I mentioned that I could easily identify in every legislator an emotional predisposition that could possibly create problems for them in the future, and design a lengthy treatment plan as an early intervention. � Screening and early intervention sounds like a great idea until you turn out to be the one being screened. Then the problems with that approach become much easier to see.�
Dr Harley testifies against gay marriage before the Minnesota State Senate. He said most gay people have mental disorders and encourages changing orientations from homosexual to heterosexual.
His testimony is at the 53:00 minute mark on the YouTube Video.
Transcript of Dr. Bill Harley being interviewed on the CBN 700 Club: Affair Proof Your Marriage
Affair-Proof Your Marriage The 700 Club
CBN.com - He offered much needed insight into marriage with his popular best seller His Needs, Her Needs. Now psychologist and marriage counselor Dr. Willard Harley Jr. gives wise advice on how to recover from marital infidelity and how to prevent an affair before it starts.
TERRY MEEUWSEN: Well, infidelity is one of life's most painful experiences. Can a marriage be restored after such a betrayal? It's a question that I'm sure people ask all over this country every day because it's been such an issue in marriages. Well, joining me now is psychologist and marriage counselor, Dr. Willard Harley, who's also the co-author of "Surviving an Affair." Welcome to The 700 Club. Great to have you with us.
Dr. WILLARD HARLEY Jr. : Thank you. I'm glad to be with you.
MEEUWSEN: We all go to the altar thinking we're going to make it without ever experiencing something like this, and yet statistics show that a majority of marriages go through an affair. Why?
Dr. HARLEY: That's part of the problem. I think that people start out assuming it's not going to happen to them. And so they don't take the precautions. You know, we get inoculated for various diseases that we're likely to get, but we don't bother to get inoculated for an affair.
MEEUWSEN: Why do affairs happen?
Dr. HARLEY: Well, I think we're born with the instinct to have an affair, quite frankly. I think that we're all wired to have it. People that are given the opportunity and have not taken precautions to avoid it generally succumb to the temptation.
MEEUWSEN: Are there different kinds of affairs?
Dr. HARLEY: Yeah. There are affairs that are one-night stands that don't mean anything, that are just a tryst. But the affairs that I work with the most are what I call affairs that have a deep emotional connection and people feel that they're soul mates. I call them soul mate types of affairs because that's the way everybody talks about them when they're having it.
MEEUWSEN: I was surprised in the book that so many people come to you.
When someone makes a connection like that with a soul mate, usually they don't want to even hear about restoring a marriage. They want out and they want a new life and they see this other person as their avenue to that, and yet there seems to be something in people when they've made a commitment to a partner for life, particularly where children are involved, that they want to find out what they ought to do from here. How does someone survive an affair when trust has been broken?
Dr. HARLEY: The person that I'm essentially writing to in this book is the spouse who has been betrayed. Because the question that we get so much is: 'I just discovered that my spouse was having an affair. I had no idea it could ever happen to us, and I have no idea what to do next.' I do try to reach out to the person having the affair and, to some extent, I try to reach out to the lover as well. But I've often made the point that when you're having an affair, you lose half of your IQ, you know. And so it's very difficult to reason with a person who is having an affair because they're on such an emotional high and you're dealing with a person that's addicted. It's very similar to dealing with somebody that has got a cocaine addiction or other forms of addiction.
MEEUWSEN: If something's been missing from a relationship that has caused someone to even consider, much less get involved in an affair, I'm sure there's the fear on the part of the person who's made that decision that if I go back into this relationship, my needs are never going to be met.
Dr. HARLEY: That's always kind of a leading point, that there is something to that. There are reasons why people have affairs, but I often argue that there are no excuses. There are things that motivate people to have an affair and my argument has always been that you should settle those issues. An affair is no way to solve the problem.
MEEUWSEN: Right.
Dr. HARLEY: All it does is get you in deeper and you end up having a miserable experience, to say nothing about the miserable experiences of all the people you love.
MEEUWSEN: Speaking of people that you love, so often by the time someone gets into an affair situation, they've been married long enough that they have children. How are children affected in situations like this? Do they usually know about the relationship?
Dr. HARLEY: Yeah. It's devastating. There are two things that children learn from an affair. One is that it's all right to lie, because they see their parent not only lying about the affair, but also encouraging them to lie for them. And so they develop an ethic that says under certain conditions, it's OK not to tell the truth. And it's OK not to tell the truth to the people you love the most. The other thing they learn is that it's OK to be thoughtless. It's OK to do something that's good for you and bad for the people that you love the most. It sets them up for a lifetime of failure because they don't learn two of life's most important principles: honesty and thoughtfulness. They learn that the opposite is OK.
MEEUWSEN: It seems to me, Doctor, too, like there are often so many abandonment issues that get thrown into a child's life when one parent or the other just ups and leaves because it's the thing for the moment. You mentioned early on that one of the reasons that people find themselves in this situation is that they come into marriage thinking that it can never happen to them. So what are some preventive measures that people can take to sort of affair-proof their marriages, if you will?
Dr. HARLEY: I think it's important to begin with the understanding that it can happen to you. It can happen to anyone. As soon as you understand that you are vulnerable for an affair, then the precautions that I recommend make sense. I started out my own marriage with precautions. There is some infidelity in my own family and I wanted to make sure it would never happen to me and my wife, Joyce. And so we made a compact with each other to be radically honest with each other about everything, that we would never lie to
each other. It's an incredibly important precaution to take. The second thing is that she would always be my best friend. I would spend my leisure time with her. She would end up being the person I would go with on trips. If either of us were going to be gone for any period of time, the other would be there as well. I would not have lunch with another woman. I would not go in a car pool with another woman. I would not allow myself to be tempted to have an affair with somebody else. And if I ever found somebody else attractive, the first person to know about it would be my wife.
MEEUWSEN: If someone is in a situation--I imagine there are people who are watching right now who are in situations where this attraction has already happened, but they realize that the price tag is incredibly high. How does someone rebuild a marriage?
Dr. HARLEY: Well, the first thing they have to do is get away from the attractive person, and that's the first step.
MEEUWSEN: Are most people willing to do that?
Dr. HARLEY: No, but that's the first step. I have to talk people into doing things that just are totally irrational to them. They don't understand that leaving this person that they're attracted to is the first step toward marital recovery. If they're having an affair, they can never see or talk to the lover again the rest of their lives. And that's the first step in recovery, is never seeing or talking to another lover. It may mean you have to quit your job. Many of the people I've counseled, many pastors I've counseled, have had to leave the state to get away from lovers that they have. And you have to totally separate. Again, think of it as an addiction. How do you get over being addicted to alcohol? You get away from the substance that you're addicted to. And the same thing is true in marriage.
The second thing is you have to go through withdrawal because once you leave the addictive situation, you will go through a period of deep depression, and one of the things that people have told me--the betrayed spouse says, one of the hardest parts of all of this is to get through the withdrawal, because here they have their husband or wife back but the husband or wife is miserable. And they blame it all on them, see? And then once you're through withdrawal, it ends. If they don't see or talk to the spouse, it ends. They're through withdrawal; then the recovery can actually begin. But there's a sense in which people try to recover with the lover still there. That never works, just like you can't get over being an alcoholic if you're drinking all the time.
MEEUWSEN: Well, I would imagine the other partner in a marriage would have to be very quiet and patient during those times to let the person walk through these processes to get to the point...
Dr. HARLEY: They usually need a lot of support and they need to understand what the end of this process is going to look like, a lot of encouragement.
MEEUWSEN: Really? Talk about the most important needs that men and women have in relationships.
Dr. HARLEY: Well, the needs that people have, quite frankly, can be broken down into 10 of them. I've written the book, "His Needs, Her Needs," that you've probably seen. And it describes the 10 most important needs of men and women. I usually tell people, don't pay attention to whether it's a male need or a female need; think about your own needs and try to figure out what it is you need the most in your marriage. Which of these 10 that we talk about are extremely important to you that you expect your spouse to do for you? Because...
MEEUWSEN: Every need isn't going to belong to each person. I mean everybody has different...
Dr. HARLEY: Usually I feel that if you meet your spouse's top two emotional needs, chances are, you will avoid an affair. But to make it guaranteed, I suggest five.
MEEUWSEN: Of the 10 that you list, are there some that are consistently the top two or three of men and the top two or three of women? What would they be?
Dr. HARLEY: Generally for men, sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship and attractive spouse are the top three. For women generally affection, conversation, honesty and openness are the top three for them. But there are many women that will pick one of the male needs as one of their top needs. So my argument is you have to understand your need well enough to communicate it to your spouse and then give your spouse information so he knows how to meet it for you. But a very important reason why people have affairs is that their emotional needs are not being met. But as I mentioned before, it's not an excuse.
MEEUWSEN: When somebody has broken trust or been the victim of broken trust, how do you trust again? I mean, because it seems to me you've got a double whammy here. You've had the wind knocked out of you that your partner would violate the commitment you've made to each other by being with someone else sexually, and then that they hid it, usually, for a season of time. So how do you get to the place where you can ever believe and wholly allow yourself to fall back into the relationship?
Dr. HARLEY: It's one of life's great mysteries. When I first started working with people that were suffering with infidelity, my own instinct was I could never forgive my own wife if she was unfaithful. And I think she'd kill me if I was. And so I had no idea that this sort of thing could be saved, you know. And then not only did I discover that it could be saved, but the trust would return. The point is that if you follow the advice that I give and I have four rules for recovery: you've got to meet each other's needs; you've got to protect each other from our own self-centeredness; you've got to give each other time for undivided attention; and you've got to be radically honest with each other. What this does is it overlays all of the destructive things that you've done. And people wake up one day feeling trust for their spouse because what they're doing is thoughtful and honest. They're doing something that proves that they can. After an experience like this, you can actually trust the other person much better than you could have ever trusted them before the experience because you're taking precautions to be trustworthy.
MEEUWSEN: People can get a hold of you through your website. Would you give that to folks?
Dr. HARLEY: Marriagebuilders.com. All you need to do is remember the name marriage builders--Marriagebuilders.com. It's one of the most popular marriage sites on the Internet. It helps couples figure out how to solve their problems. And it's all free.
MEEUWSEN: Wonderful. Marriagebuilders.com. Well, this book is called "Surviving an Affair." And if this is something you've been through in your household, your family, it's a book that you'll be blessed by. Written by our guest, Dr. Willard Harley and Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers. Thank you so much for being with us.
This month Dr Harley was recognized by Gigare Lifestyle Magazine (see below):
Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr. has earned the GLM�s Family highlight for his work in saving marriages through Marriage Builders�, a free online resource to many of marriage experiences. Married for 47 years, he and his wife, Joyce, have saved thousands of marriages from the pain of unresolved conflict and the disaster of divorce. They also host Marriage Builders� Radio, a radio program dedicated to answering your marriage problems. Monday thru Friday1200 to 0100 Central Tme at Dr. Harley is a nationally acclaimed licensed clinical psychologist, marriage counselor, and the bestselling author of numerous books, including His Needs, Her Needs.
OBGYN.net: Doctor Harley, please tell the OBGYN.netters a little about yourself and your work.
Doctor Harley: I have a short bio at http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi2000_meet.html. I write about two books a year, and about two articles a week. Besides that, I personally answer about 15-20 e-mail letters that I receive from Marriage Builders visitors. I'm doing a lot of writing these days! But it's my mission, for the forseeable future, to save marriages, particularly those that have gone through the ravages of an affair, and it seems to be working. I spend most of my time developing methods that make it easy for couples to save their own marriages, with a little educational assistance. I hope to work my way out of a job, eventually, because I want to provide reading material that is motivational enough to help couples reconcile.
OBGYN.net: When and how did you decide to do counseling via phone and the Internet?
Doctor Harley: I started telephone counseling about 10 years ago when people would see me from another state or country and then return home. I would conclude their counseling over the telephone. It worked so well that I began encouraging people not to travel to Minnesota to see be, but rather to do all of the counseling by telephone. By 1992, 50% of my counseling was by telephone, and by 1994 all of it was by telephone. In 1996, I began counseling by e-mail, because I saw it as a better way to communicate than telephone. Now, about 75% of my counseling is by e-mail only. The telephone counseling available for visitors of the Marriage Builders web site is offered by my son, Steve, who is a marriage counselor, and who I have trained. But I do all the e-mail counseling.
OBGYN.net: How is it going? Any surprises?
Doctor Harley: It's popular, I'll say that. It keeps Steve and I very busy. As the popularity increases, I will have to train others to do what I'm doing, and then I will need to charge for it (I don't charge for my own e-mail counseling). But as long as I can keep up with it, we will stay with the same arrangements -- we charge for telephone counseling ($45/session) and don't for e-mail.
I am surprised by the relatively high percentage of poorly educated people who are using our services -- sixteen year old girls who have dropped out of high school to raise a baby, and their husbands who can't earn more than $5/hr, wanting to know how to survive marriage. I've received letters from all over the world, people from India stuggling with their English, wanting help with infidelity. It's a view of the whole world of marriage, and all the problems that people could possibly have with it. It's exactly where I want to be! I not only get to help solve their problems, but when I can't help, they are able to explain why my advice won't work for their situation.
OBGYN.net: How large a percentage of your participants are women?
Dr. Harley: At first, April 1996, it was almost entirely men who were writing me. Now about 40% are women. I expect that percentage to increase as the internet becomes more popular.
OBGYN.net: How is phone counseling different for you and your clients?
Dr. Harley: Phone counseling is obviously convenient. Most of my clients don't live in Minnesota, and many don't live in the United States. Most would not be able to communicate with me any other way. But it's as effective as face-to-face counseling. There are no real disadvatages and many advantages over face-to-face counseling. I have written an article on the subject, and you can read it at http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html.
OBGYN.net: What are your plans for Marriage Builders and the Internet in the future? Are you planning any direct online counseling?
Doctor Harley: We are looking into online counseling now. We may start a chat room in a month or so, but it's up to Steve, because he's the one who would be doing it -- I don't have any time left for a new progra. It's hard enough for me get the Q&A out every week. I'm skipping tomorrow because I just didn't have time to get it finished. But it will be worth reading -- its on why marital conversation gets boring.
OBGYN.net: What advice could you give Doctors and Medical Professionals who are interested in doing online consulting in their specialties?
Doctor Harley: The problem is having enough information to make an educated decison, and then getting paid for it. I am dealing with problems that are relatively narrow in focus, and my advice is free. The medical profession usually needs much greater diagnostic information than I need before giving advice, but I'm sure there are many health-related issues that could, and are, being addressed correctly over the internet.
By the way, I would be very interested in consulting with OBGYN doctors when I receive questions regarding sexual problems that are physical in nature. I refer these people to doctors, but these doctors do not always have a solution for them.
OBGYN.net: Any additional observations or comments?
Doctor Harley: It's quite an adventure, isn't it!
OBGYN.net: Thank you Doctor Harley for sharing your insights with us.
Married to the War Part 3: Interview with a marriage counselor | Love + Sex - Yahoo! Shine
In Part Three of our Married to the War series, we speak with St. Paul, Minneapolis-based clinical psychologist and marriage counselor Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D. to get an expert's opinion on military couples and what they can do to cope.
What are the greatest challenges couples face when they are split up due to circumstances they cannot control such as war?
My basic position is that a husband and wife should not be split up. Even marriages where one spouse travels on business during the week can be at high-risk for divorce. I was teaching for 10 years and wasn't sure if I could support myself counseling, then I got started with employees of Northwest Airlines. Due to job-related separation, I had more work than I could keep up with. Besides airline employees and members of the armed services, physicians, lawyers, politicians and entertainers are others whose job puts their marriages at-risk, basically anyone whose job dominates their lives to the point where they forget they're married. We host weekend sessions every two months dealing with people who are on the verge of divorce (already filed), and invariably there will be couples there who are either in the war or have just come from it. The war itself creates its own set of problems, and the separation creates a whole different set of problems.
How so? Why are these compounded when it comes to military couples specifically?
We're trying to get someone who has been to Iraq to become "civilized" again. There is an unmistakable attitude in anyone who goes through war, and many soldiers come back with a whole host of emotional problems, like violent tendencies and anger. They've been separated from their spouses, and when they come back they are dealing with all these issues. These marriages are incredibly fragile.
One of my soldier clients said, "My solution is that married people shouldn't be in the army." I know that sounds extreme, but at this point, I agree. This situation can wreak havoc on marriages: No matter who you are, it hurts your marriage to be overseas in a battle zone. It's different if say, you're stationed in Germany with your partner. There is great housing for married folks, etc. But in Iraq we're dealing with situations that are terrible for marriages, obviously. Chronic unemployment is another issue, these soldiers are out of work for a year, and they have a hard time getting back into the workplace.
How does PTSD (Posttraumatic Stress Disorder) play a role in these problems?
A man in Iraq emailed me a letter last week and said that he's very worried because he sees himself changing, and he knows when he comes home he won't be the same person. He's seen it in a lot of his colleagues.
The soldier ends up being very moody, he or she has a lot to be depressed about, such as the memories of what goes on when you're a soldier. A lot of your time is sitting around, and the next thing you know the guy next to you has been blown up, so the shock is enormous. Things happen suddenly and you're chronically nervous, anxious, and you come home and things are not as you left them. Even if the spouse is trying to be loving and supportive, you're now a stranger. Many spouses say, "I don't feel like I know you." Due to this, she's not so affectionate, he might overdo it, lose his temper, which upsets her and things go from bad to worse, and to top things off, maybe they have no money: It's not like these guys come home well funded. It's an extremely difficult situation. Some spouses feel they encounter violence and abuse. While a soldier is fighting, violence has become a language. These people have been conditioned to kill people. It can be understandably hard to transition back to normal life.
What can spouses and partners of soldiers do to be more supportive, but cope with their own issues at the same time?
Literally, support groups are the most practical idea. If your spouse is overseas you need to be in a support group sponsored and paid for by the armed services, immediately. People need to be strongly encouraged to participate in one of these groups. When a married spouse is deployed, the risk of divorce is imminent, and should be treated as such. Everyone can understand the risk of getting killed or losing your hearing and eyesight, but I don't think people recognize the risk of marital disillusionment. That said, the armed services is very large; there's the army, the navy, etc, and there is no one universal program available throughout. I know the people who come to our camps feel they have no services available to them.
[Ed Note: In an earlier post, we alluded to the NY Times story about "Strong Bonds," an Army pilot program to address marital stress after soldiers return from long tours in Iraq. But services like these are still few and far between.]
Any suggestions on how couples can cope while they're separated?
It's hard to get anything done in the armed services, there's a tremendous amount of inertia. Infidelity is a real problem. Here's a guy who's life is at risk everyday, and he finds out his wife is having an affair; it's a huge morale crusher, he can't think straight. I've proposed to a couple of congressman that there be a law passed that if you have an affair with the spouse of a soldier who is deployed, you get a minimum of 10 years in jail, and advertise this everywhere. I think it would get a lot of support! (laughs) A less draconian approach would be, again, to have support groups that would be made available through the armies and marines (highest rates of infidelity occur in those branches), plus support groups for the spouses left at home. There also needs to be an opportunity for separated couples to re-connect, come home for two weeks. We're definitely seeing more and more military couples in our program. Our basic strategy is to get them out of the service as soon as possible. We have many people we're working with in all branches of the armed services that have been successful at keeping their marriages together, but it is a major struggle.
Check out Dr. Harley's new book, Love Busters, or check out his services at Marriage Builders.
Later this week we'll share tips, suggestions and hopeful words from readers who are living through this. In the meantime, if you feel strongly about helping to support our troops, take a moment to sign this petition demanding that Senator McCain co-sponsor the bipartisan Post 9/11 Veterans Educational Assistance Act, a bill that will provide vets with the fully-funded education they so desperately need.
Dr. Harley offers expert advice in an article about marital strife and how to communicate effectively and respectfully:
Mad at dad; Moms showing a touch of rage on homefront
Moms showing a touch of rage on home front
By Melissa Kossler Dutton 1For Kristen Chase, it was her husband's choice to stop at the gym after putting in long hours at work.
Looking back they seem like small things � but the women still remember how the acts made their blood boil. And it's become clear they're not the only moms harboring a touch of rage at their husbands.
"The truth is if you [censored] any one of us with a little pin, anger comes out," said Lisa Bain, executive editor of Parenting magazine, which recently published an article titled "Mad at Dad," which described the site's readers' irritations with their husbands.
The article quickly became the site's most popular and took on a life of its own on the Internet, where it was picked up by bloggers and provoked an avalanche of comments by moms venting their frustrations with men who don't do enough around the house, can't multitask and don't do their share of parenting duties.
And, perhaps because many of these sites allow anonymous comments, many moms didn't hold back. "I have been mad at my husband from day one of the birth of our daughter," wrote one poster on the Parenting site. "It's about the fathers who don't even bother to try ... who assume all is taken care of and the mom is OK with it all on her plate," wrote another.
New York Times blogger Lisa Belkin alone received 265 responses to her take on the story.
"It resonated with people," Bain said. "I'm not saying everyone agreed, but it resonated with people in some way."
Studies confirm there's ample reason for frustration: American men still don't pull their weight when it comes to housework and child care, according to a report last year from the Council on Contemporary Families summarizing several studies on family dynamics.
Men aren't quite the slackers they used to be � one report found that men's contribution to housework had doubled over the past four decades; another found they tripled the time spent on child care over that span.
But the flood of anger released by the Parenting.com article reassured Heather Starr Fiedler that she wasn't alone in wishing her husband would be more proactive in tackling household chores.
"It made me feel like I'm not the only one getting mad at my husband � maybe too much or maybe not enough," said the mother of two, who blogs at PittsburghMom.com.
The anonymity of the Web often prompts women to share what's really bothering them, said Fiedler, a professor of digital media at Point Park University in Pittsburgh.
"Any time we write about our husbands � especially if we're venting � we get so much response," she said.
Of course, some did come to dads' defense, saying they couldn't do what they do without the support of their husbands. "After reading that article, I had no idea what whiners women could be," wrote one stay-at-home dad. "I feel blessed to have this role in my children's lives, and I'm doubly lucky to be married to a woman who can pay the bills."
It's not uncommon for emotions to flare over parenting and housework, and the emotions can become extreme, said psychologist Willard F. Harley of White Bear Lake, Minn.
"The thing that infuriates most women isn't what he doesn't do, it's what he does do," said Harley, whose written books on relationships. "Women see their husbands at home at night drinking a beer or resting comfortably � seeing him there resting makes her really frustrated."
Chase remembers getting upset over the amount of time her husband was out of the house. "Everything seemed unfair," the Atlanta resident said. "It was breeding a lot of resentment."
Johnson said she can "identify with the rage" in the article, but attributes a lot of the issues to the different communication styles of men and women.
The 31-year-old mother of three used to fume when her husband left the house empty handed even though she knew he thought he was helping by loading the kids in the car. But she also knew, once everyone was buckled in, he would be checking messages and surfing the Web on his BlackBerry.
She initially tried to solve their problems by yelling. When her husband asked her to stop, she told him: "I have to yell because I have to get your attention."
Eventually, she realized telling him what was bothering her yielded better results.
"I don't expect my husband to be perfect," she said. "I expect him to try harder."
It's a role Tom Johnson, 33, is comfortable with. He likes when they sit down and come up with ways to address their concerns. "The whole solution thing is great," he said.
That's really what many men want, added Thomas Haller, a couples therapist and author in Bay City, Mich.
"Women want to talk around and around an issue," said the Bay City, Mich., counselor. "Men just want to know what the problem is and what to do about it."
Chase, who also got tired of waiting for her husband, Doug, to figure out what was bothering her, agreed.
"You feel like he should know," said the 32-year-old mother of three. "You think, 'How could he not know?' Get over the fact that they can't figure it out."
Finding equal ground
Frustrated by the division of labor at home? Don't get mad, get talking.
Anger can be lessened when couples communicate their expectations and offer ideas on how they can accomplish them, said marriage counselor Thomas Haller.
Drop the yelling and arguing, said psychologist Willard Harley. Leave the room, think happy thoughts, pray or find some other way to release anger before starting a discussion.
"Get the adrenaline out of your system," he said. "When you deal with (an issue) without adrenaline in your system, you're more likely to solve the problem."
Haller, Harley and Cari L. Sans, director of Counseling Corner for Marriage and Family Therapy in New York, offered the following list of tips:
Choose the timing of discussions carefully. Make sure the children won't be interrupting and that both partners are able to focus on the conversation.
Commit to considering your partner's feelings before making decisions.
Identify what's at issue. For instance, what happened before the coffee pot broke and you lost your cool? Perhaps there were a couple of events leading up to the "straw that broke the camel's back."
Manage your expectations. Think about what you want to achieve in the upcoming confrontation and be realistic about how it may be received from your partner. Also, consider outcomes that may be acceptable to you.
Use "I'' statements to express your feelings and your needs. This approach allows you to take responsibility for your feelings. Say things like: "I noticed that you've been on the golf course four times this week." ''I feel like I'm alone in this process." ''I expect you to get off the couch and help me."
Don't assign blame. Blaming your partner will put him or her on the defensive.
Choose to be a listener. If you decide to air your grievances be prepared to hear your partner's opinions and feelings. Acknowledge your partner's message by saying something like, "I hear that you feel ____," or "I heard you say _______."
Validate one another's points of views. Remember that validating is not agreeing. Each partner's points of view are valid even if you don't agree.
Create a compromise about the issue. Both partners have to be willing to give up something so that the relationship wins. You can do this by making a fair request to your partner, inviting him or her to make other suggestions and working until you both feel satisfied.
Check in with one another about the solutions. Is it working? If not, then discuss further and create another compromise.
If you are feeling overwhelmed in the relationship, it may be helpful to try couples counseling. Visit www.aamft.org and use its search engine, www.therapistlocator.net, to find a licensed counselor.��
Dr. Harley's Policy of Undivided Attention is feature in this online article:
Rogers, Michelle "Quality Time Matters - The 3 Secrets of Happy Couples." Quality Time Matters - The 3 Secrets of Happy Couples
Quality Time Matters - The 3 Secrets of Happy Couples
How would you define spending quality time together with your partner? Here's a hint - it's about much more than sitting on the sofa watching TV. Truly happy couples know that real quality time should be spent talking to each other, finding out more about each other, fulfilling each other's emotional needs and doing things together. So if you're looking for the best relationship or dating advice, start with learning how to spend quality time with the one you love.
For most married couples, it's probably just a few hours a week, if that. Now go back in time to when you and your significant other were first dating. Chances are you spent about 15 hours a week basking in each other's undivided attention, and it felt fantastic!
What happened? It's a matter of priorities. Your relationship-nurturing the bond that you and your partner share-slipped a bit (or maybe a lot). For many, work, finances and kids moved to the top of the list. The problem is that when you neglect your relationship, you drift apart. This drifting leaves room for negative feelings and emotions to creep in: loneliness, resentment, apathy, anger, even falling out of love.
Acclaimed clinical psychologist Willard F. Harley Jr. talks about the 'promise of time'. He emphasizes this concept with couples about to enter into marriage, but it's relevant for all couples, no matter how long you've been together. It's basically the promise of spending time together each week giving one another quality, undivided attention.
In his clinical practice, Dr. Harley's first assignment for many couples trying to rebuild their relationship is the exercise of giving each other 15 hours of undivided attention for one week. Fifteen hours! He's had many couples try to convince him that this just isn't possible, mostly because it seems totally impractical. But, in the end, couples usually agree that without time they're never going to re-create the love they once had for each other.
To really make time for one another, Dr. Harley advises that couples follow The Policy of Undivided Attention.
There are THREE PARTS to The Policy of Undivided Attention:
Privacy. The time you spend in each other's company should not include children, relatives or friends. Privacy is paramount because it allows you to give each other, and your relationship, your full, undivided attention. This might be difficult, but it's necessary. The presence of others (and especially children), while wonderful, interferes with affection and intimate conversation. Objectives. During the time you are together, try to meet the emotional needs of affection, sexual fulfillment, intimate conversation, and recreational companionship. This isn't an easy task. Obviously, each person is different, but evidence shows that romance for husbands tends to be sex and recreation, whereas for the majority of wives, they find affection and intimate conversation romantic.Dr. Harley's advice is to try to do all of these things when spending time together. This is a tall order, so it's important to talk openly with your partner about one another's emotional needs. Confusion often arises when one person assumes their needs are the same as their partner's. This can lead to frustration, anger and feeling misunderstood. Only through open dialogue can you learn about your partner's needs and how to fulfill them and vice versa. Amount. The number of hours spent together should reflect the quality of your marriage. If your marriage is satisfying to both of you, 15 hours of undivided time together is probably enough. If your marriage is less than satisfying should you spend more or less time together? The answer is you should spend even more time together.
Dr. Harley's advice is solicited in this article in Redbook Magazine. (the author interviewed several experts and not all of the recommendations within this article are Dr. Harley's. His advice is quoted in this article)
The Three Types of Affairs Most affairs fall into one of these categories: � The One-Night Stand � The Mistress � The "I Want Out" Affair
Find out what each means to him -- and your marriage.
The One-Night Stand Involves low emotional attachment and typically occurs when he's away on a trip. "The affair meets a momentary need with no further commitment or consequences," explains psychologist Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D., coauthor of Surviving an Affair. "Give men or women an opportunity to be unfaithful, and they probably will be."
Prognosis: Very promising, as long as it was an isolated event. But Dr. Harley stresses an important question to ask: "Is your husband addicted to affairs?" If he's a philanderer, unfortunately, "There's no way to separate him from all women."
Preventive strategy: Be radically honest, even if it's uncomfortable. "If Clinton had told Hillary he was attracted to Monica, Hillary would have made sure Monica was out of the White House," says Dr. Harley. "Honesty would have saved Clinton."
The Mistress Can continue for years, and may even involve love. Usually, what the husband is seeking is relief from the routine, drudgery and predictability of daily life. "He looks forward to that special time set aside with his mistress the way he might look forward to a sport," says Ann Langley, Ph.D., senior clinician at the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Center in California.
Prognosis: Very difficult recovery, but possible. He must be willing to accept responsibility for the pain caused; you must be willing to forgive; both of you have to be totally open and honest.
Preventive strategy: "Be your husband's favorite person to talk to, to have sex with, to play with and to fall in love with," says Dr. Harley.
The "I Want Out" Affair "The person has already decided to leave the relationship, and uses the affair as an exit," explains Dr. Langley. Unlike the need behind a purely sexual encounter, this can be a deliberately hurtful act. "It sends a message: 'I don't care. My investment here is over.' It's like the punctuation at the end of a sentence."
Prognosis: The worst. "Obviously, there's a communication gap and an inability to resolve conflict," says Dr. Langley.
Preventive strategy: Talk, have sex, play, fight, talk some more -- do anything to avoid this point of no return.
1. Sexual experimentation (he married so young, he wonders what he missed) or sexual compulsivity.
2. To combat a sense of loss that can come with aging: "Loss of youth, loss as the kids go off to college, loss of a parent," says Joel Block, Ph.D., a psychologist in Huntington, New York, and the author of Secrets of Better Sex. "A husband reaching out to another woman is making a futile attempt at creating an antidepressant."
3. To avoid intimacy or conflict: Rather than rock the marriage by revealing feelings he thinks you may not like, your husband adds a third person to diffuse the intensity. Surprisingly, these affairs are survivable even if they've lasted a while, says Dr. Langley. What You Must Do to Get Past It
4. First, both parties must understand that "the healing process takes just as long as the wife needs it to," says Dr. Block. "This isn't a punitive process for the husband, it's doing what it takes to make her feel emotionally safe again."
5. You must understand that the affair wasn't about how much more desirable the other woman was than you are," acknowledges Shirley Glass, Ph.D., a Baltimore psychologist who specializes in infidelity research. "It was about how much he liked who he got to be while he was doing it."
6. Your recriminations can't go on forever. "A woman may not want to heal because she'll lose the upper hand that his guilt gives her in the relationship," says Dr. Glass. "She builds a memorial to her pain and ends up pushing him away. The inability of a wife to let go of the pain can even provoke another affair. At some point, you have to let it go."
7. You need to work at maintaining your confidence and self-esteem by drawing from sources (friendships, work) other than just your marriage.
8. Whatever a man's reason for wandering, his very first step toward recovery has to be a sincere apology for the pain he caused -- with no excuses. "'I'm sorry I did this, but...' is no good," says Dr. Block. "That implies that his wife is partially responsible, when she has absolutely no responsibility." Nor is one apology, however heartfelt, enough. Sure, he wants to put the past behind him, but his wife needs to talk, talk, talk, and that's a process many men would rather sidestep.
9. Telling the truth is critically important if you ever hope to rebuild trust. "If the affair lasted three years, he shouldn't say six months," says Dr. Block. "If his wife finds out he's been lying to her again, that's a real setback." Broad generalities ("Yes, we met at that hotel") are better than lurid details the wife will never be able to forget ("She wore a red teddy, and we broke the bed").
10. You get to set the tone. For many women, there is a painful need to know every little trifle -- and hear it over and over and over. One of your husband's first tasks is to let you ask him any question you want about the affair.
11. Your husband needs to be more emotionally supportive than he has been in the past. "Going back to normal behavior isn't enough, because there's been an injury," says Dr. Block. "He needs to be more affectionate and attentive." It would also help to bring gifts and help around the house. And he needs to accept his wife's anger. "Not give it back to her, but absorb it, and really listen."
12. He also needs to re-create trust by acting trustworthy and being honest -- and to keep it up. Even if it subjects him to a level of scrutiny he isn't used to, like calling when he's going to be late, letting you check his travel receipts or look at his cell phone bill. "The husband might feel resentful, but he needs to look at it differently," says Dr. Block. "He's not a child reporting to a supervisor, he's a husband who hurt his wife and is helping
10 Ways To Affair-Proof Your Marriage - The Huffington Post
10 Ways To Affair-Proof Your Marriage
With all the talk of infidelity in the news lately, you would think that most marriages are destined to fail. But if you look at the numbers, a different story is told.
A 2011 study by researchers at Indiana University's Center for Sexual Health Promotion found that men and women reported being unfaithful at rates of 23 percent and 19 percent, respectively. If you flip these numbers around, they show that 77 percent of men and 81 percent of women have NOT cheated on their spouses. Not all that bad, I'd say.
Moreover, the "half of all marriages end in divorce" number that is casually thrown around is wrong. According to the Centers for Disease Control's National Survey of Family Growth, the divorce rate for first marriages was at its highest -- 40 percent -- in 1980, but has since declined to less than 30 percent. The divorce rate for college-educated couples who marry at age 25 or older is even lower, at 20 percent.
This is a dramatically different picture than what the media would have us believe. Rather than viewing marriage as a 50-50 shot in the dark, it can be viewed as having a 70-80 percent likelihood of succeeding.
So, how do marriages today stand the test of time? I've gathered some useful insights from marriage therapists, life coaches and married couples that have been together for over 25 years. Here are 10 ways they say will help affair-proof your marriage:
Meet your partner's emotional needs. Simply put, a husband and wife must learn how to make each other happy -- and how to stop making each other unhappy. Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr, marriage therapist and author of the book, His Needs, Her Needs: Building An Affair-proof Marriage, starts his therapy sessions by asking the couple: "What could your spouse do for you that would make you the happiest?" He has identified the 10 most common "emotional needs" that couples want met: admiration, affection, conversation, domestic support, family commitment, financial support, honesty and openness, physical attractiveness, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment. Not surprisingly, the woman's top needs are often the opposite of the man's top needs. For example, conversation and family commitment top the woman's list of needs, while sexual fulfillment and admiration are at the top of the man's list. Understanding what your spouse's needs are -- and how to fulfill those needs -- will lead to a happier marriage.
Be willing to negotiate. Being able to understand and respect your spouse's perspective, especially during conflict, is critical in a relationship. For example, one husband I spoke with needed more time alone together with his wife. He wanted her companionship. She, on the other hand, felt that their time as a couple should be spent with the children, as a family. Resolving this issue involves understanding and respecting the other person's feelings and being willing to compromise to satisfy both partners' needs. Learn how to fight. Resolving conflict in a way that meets each other's emotional needs and accommodates each other's feelings is critical in making a relationship last. Whether your style is to yell and shout, or to write letters to each other expressing your feelings, doesn't matter. What matters is finding a communication style that works for both of you. Bottling up anger and hiding issues will only lead to bigger problems down the road. Schedule time together. When I had my first child, a friend of mine with grown children gave me this piece of advice: she told me to schedule a weekly date night, and to hold fast to it no matter the circumstances. Four kids and 14 years later, my husband and I still have our weekly date night. Sometimes it's at night, sometimes during the day when the kids are in school. It doesn't matter. What does matter is scheduling time when you and your spouse can give each other undivided attention -- away from the kids and other couples. Dr. Harley seconds this advice and suggests that couples give each other a minimum of 15 hours alone together each week. In that time, says Dr. Harley, you should focus on the four emotional needs of affection, sexual fulfillment, intimate conversation, and recreational companionship.
Make time for romance. The definition of "romance" for men and women is very different. Romance for most men means sex and recreation; for most women it's affection and conversation. Try combining all four of them for the greatest satisfaction. Women often resent having sex without affection and conversation first, and men resent being conversant and affectionate with no hope for sex or recreation.
Keep expectations in check. Marriage isn't a fairy tale. If you go into it thinking that it's going to be easy sailing, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. Every marriage experiences conflict. The ones that succeed are the ones that develop healthy coping strategies to deal with problems. Viewing marriage as a working partnership, not just a romantic relationship, helps put things in perspective. Not that romance can't be part of the working partnership -- it can and should be. Just keep expectations in check and don't compare your marriage to what you see in the movies.
Put marriage at the top of the list. With everything that couples have on their plates today -- kids, careers, ailing parents, financial stresses -- it's hard to put marriage first. It may be politically incorrect to say this, but marriage must come first -- even before your kids. A couple that's been married for 50 years told me that they always spent the first 20 minutes when the husband came home from work alone together, talking and having a cocktail. The kids had to go in the other room. It's okay to show your kids that your marriage comes first. Develop your own interests. Relationships that last have something interesting in common -- each partner has developed interests of their own, independent of their spouse. It might be a job, volunteer work, a book club, or a regular girls' night out. According to Dr. Noelle Nelson, relationship expert and author of Your Man Is Wonderful, having a part of your life that is your own can boost your self-confidence, which in turn can help your marriage. Along these lines, Dr. Nelson advises couples to take care of their physical health, not only to please their spouse, but to boost their self-esteem. Women worry too much about aging, she says. They get confused, believing that affairs happen because they get older and become less physically attractive to their spouses. Remember, confidence is attractive.
Show your appreciation. Having an "attitude of gratitude" can go a long way in keeping a marriage intact. Couples often let appreciation slide because they assume, after many years, that their spouse knows what they are grateful for. As one couple told me, "We don't let a day go by when we don't communicate what we appreciate about each other." Be specific: "Thank you for dealing with all the awful politics at work, so you can support our family." Or, "thank you for driving the kids around after school every day. I know how hard it can be." Bottom line? Many people have a misconception that marriage is the culmination of a relationship. Far from it. Marriage requires constant work and attention. Don't expect it to come easy. Talk, talk, talk. Be willing to see things from your spouse's point of view. If you can't work things out on your own, talk to a licensed marriage therapist before the problems grow too big. An experienced therapist has seen all the issues you're experiencing -- and then some -- and can help you and your spouse find strategies to work
