It is clear that no nights apart ever again will be an essential extraordinary precaution in any recovery plan you attempt.

She is chinese and lives in china. We are chinese immigrants.

You should go into plan B.

Prepare for it first (meanwhile, plan A).

Get your financial ducks in a row and know who can be an intermediary for financial or visitation information. Also, craft a beautiful Plan B letter to give your WH.

Then go into plan B and begin to heal.

When you go into Plan B....send a copy of your Plan B letter to OW.

i already drafted plan b letter, got the sample from here, and modified. my mother-in-law is here helping us with the 5-month-old, and she will be the intermediary. I know it's not recommended, but we moved to this place not long ago, not too many friends close enough to fit the role.

I sent out the plan b letter just now. ask him to move out in 2 weeks if he doesn't end the affair.

xpbrain, this is not Plan B. Plan B is when you end all contact. What you did is not Plan B. It is a good idea that you demanded he end his affair. That is a good seque to Plan B.

In the meantime you can read up on what Plan B is. Also, your MIL will make a horrible IM and you need to find someone who is neutral. Find a close friend. Anyone BUT his mother or any other relative of his.

I guess I just initiated plan b by sending out the letter to him. No contact between us hasn't started yet. We don't have close friends here, all the ppl we know are some sort of work related. We live an apt complex provided by WH's company, so all the neighbors are work related. I don't want to get them involved. We moved to this place simply because of his new job and we left all our long time friends behind. Other than my mother-in-law, I really can't think anybody else.

Do you have the book Survivng an Affair? I would download that book in kindle and read it so you understand how the program works. Here is a good primer on Plan B: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2482787#Post2482787

I do have this book and read that how to plan b correctly several times. but our constraints i mentioned above limit my options.

That is my point. Plan B is no contact at all. You haven't initiated Plan B.


It doesn't need to be someone who lives there. It only needs to be someone who will maintain a neutral stance and agree to screen out his messages - VIA EMAIL.

I would read up on Plan B before you do it. Telling your husband he has to leave in 2 weeks if he doesn't end contact is NOT Plan B.

I'll think about this more carefully.

Thank you guys for all your input! Really appreciate them.

WE are here and are glad to help!! You are on the right track and you did good telling he has to end his affair.

What does his mother think about his affair? Is she telling him to shape up? Will she contact the OW and tell her to buzz off?

Thanks. MIL wants him to terminate all contact, but she's not healthy enough (high blood pressure, etc) to get too much involved, like calling OW. MIL and sister-in-law talked to him many times. Although he loves them very much, he refused to end the affair. He blamed everything on me. and during plan a I used my actions to show i could change (my MIL acknowledged my change, better temper, more care for WH). But he still wants to have a divorce. the only thing might keep him from moving out is our kids. They are so young and needs lots of time and energy to take care of them.

You are doing the right thing getting him moved out and going into Plan B. The only problem I see is how will you keep him out if you live in company housing? You can't really keep him out. Can you move back home?

This will prevent you from going into Plan B. Can you move home?

i think as long as he doesn't report to housing management, we could still live there. I always wanted to move to the state we lived for many years, but he wouldn't let me leave with the two kids. He loves them a lot too and won't quit his job. he simply want them all and let me suffer here.

The problem is that he would be able to come into your home at will. You wouldn't be able to keep him out.

Is there a reason you can't move on your own and take the kids? Do you have some family you could move in with?

Does he have a traveling job?

You must get all your stuff in line before going to Plan B.

A place to live that is not at H's control.

Funds ($) to survive on.......

an intermediary that did not give birth to the wayward.

You should also talk to a couple attorneys about your situation....that you are from another country and need to separate from your spouse and need financial support and what to do to get it.

You can do all these things if you keep working on them.

Meanwhile, consider your note to WH as not a Plan B launch, but a notice that you want his affair to end.

Then, when you are able to go to a true Plan B......give him a letter that you have posted here and had edited by those of us who are knowledgable about well written Plan B launching letters.

He doesn't have a choice if you want to leave with your children...you don't need his permission. Without a pending divorce, you can go wherever you want. How long have you been in your current state? If he doesn't meet residency requirements, he can't file D.

Welcome to MB.

"find a place to live that's not at H's control" -- I have a 4yr-old and a 5-month old, tons of stuff to move. It's just too much work for me to move. I think WH won't force to come to my home if he doesn't want all his colleagues to know about his affair. He can't afford to lose his reputation at his work place.

IM -- working on it. Will find a friend who is neutral.


"he wouldn't let me leave with the two kids" -- we lived in the current state for almost 3 years. But if i move to another state with my two kids without his consent, he has the right to file motion to court to force me to come back, which might jeopardize my custody. I very very much want to move back to the state with all the support from my friends. Looking for a job there now. Please help me on this!


Financial aspect -- moved savings to my account. he's not opposed to this.

I'm a bit hesitated to reveal all my plan since he might know this forum.