Hello Everyone,

I have been married to my huband for 2.5 years. He was wonderful to me when we were dating and I was deathly afraid to take new steps in the relationship due to past relationships but with each step he was the same guy (if not more wonderful). He knew I worried he would change on me after we got married that was my biggest fear because it had happend before and I didn't want to go through another divorce.

Well he promised me he wouldn't but about two months after the wedding he did. He blames his changing toward me on me because he says I changed when we had problems with his ex finance calling him and she wouldn't stop (we were engaged at the time) and he wouldn't tell her to go away. I was upset that he seemed more concerend about her feelings than mine and it did change how I acted and felt about him this was Feb 2011 we didn't get married till the following fall and he only changed toward me after the wedding. So to me that was along time to wait to change. He didn't because he knew I would have been long gone.

We have other issues as well such as he is as workaholic (I respect and admire his work ethic but he has nothing but his work). He basically works two full time jobs. One in town and than the second is a family business which he is truely controlled by. He lets family members rule his life to the point of asking when he can come home to me. He runs ragged for them and continually puts me last, never considers my feelings anymore, doesn't seem to care how I feel, he will make plans with me and than they are just blown off because he doesn't want to upset them and never has anything left for me. If he is going to be real late at work I have asked him again and again if he could maybe let me know once in awhile. No he never does but he will his the family and let them know he's going to be late or not coming to help tonight.

He wasn't there for me when my mom passed away. Since I have known him which is about 4 years he has spent a total of maybe 5.5 days with me which he hides from his family that he has taken time off to spend with me.

I am no angel by any means. But I do feel I treat him good and that I have continued to treat him well (although I could do alot better with given him affection and that upsets him). even though he has continually gotten worse to me with how he is rude to me, has no time for me, puts no effort into the marriage and belittles me. He has said some terrible things to me. And I have asked him why didn't you treat me or talk to me like this before we got married and he said "I knew you would leave me". Even though I am no priority what so ever in his life he acts like I am a burden or at least that is how he makes me feel now.

Before we ever lived together he used to call me daily on his lunch breaks (when we were just friends not even dating yet). Well we got into a argument two weeks ago because he complains I never call him, so I did call him that morning than he yipped about it. Than I said to him I just can't talk to you anymore and you don't talk to me even though I wasn't finished speaking yet he cut me off and said "I don't talk to you"? oh really well than I'm not calling you anymore and he hasn't. So not only do we hardly ever see each other. He just took away one more of the only things that we still had left. I tell him all the time I am lonely and he sees I'm not happy anymore and he isn't either.

I asked him if we could try a new approach being obviously the one we are using isn't getting us anywhere and it's always the same disagreement. I wanted to get Dr. Harleys system. Well he just didn't see with his work schedule how that would work and till thats different nothing will change. He puts no effort here. He gives it all to his town job and the family business. He knows he will loose me and I think that is what he wants. He wants me to end it and walk out on him so he doesn't look like the bad guy because everyone thinks he's the greatest guy.

He can be good. He is still very affectionate that has always been there but he also tells me that it's harder for him to be that way with me now because of how unhappy I am and I seem like I don't want it. He knew I was so scared to get married ever again and that I was hoping for so much more this time around. And I wanted it to be so different. I wanted a marriage full of love, fun, respect and etc. We both wanted that and talked about it many times but instead we have this.

Sometimes I feel like I met a man and I am now with a child. And he even made that comment to me last weekend that he still sees himself as a kid because of how he was brought up and never having any say anywhere. I said well you have some say here at home and he's like I don't want it. Maybe he stayed living at home to long, well into his 30's. I was on my own at 19. It's almost like he only knows how to respect people who treat him badly.

I just feel lost and so sad. I feel like we have two seperate lives. We are so disconnected. We never became a We. I just don't know what else to do. I'm sorry this got so long. I just don't have anywhere else to go with my feelings. Any advice??

Welcome to MB and you found the best program to restore your marriage if it is followed by the both of you.

How long was your first marriage? Why did it end and when?

Is this his first marriage? Why did his last engagement end?

Why can't he just have one job? Whether it's for his family business or not?

Do either of you have kids?

My first marriage was 8 years together for 13 ended because he cheated with a co-worker when he started a new job.

Yes it's his first marriage and his engagement ended I was told because after being together for 7 years engaged for 3 she left him for someone she knew 7 days.

His town job is really to good for him to leave and who knows about the family business if that will be something that could sustain him being there full-time he is already there almost every night, 4 hours every morning 7 days a week and both days all weekend long.

And no no kids. We wanted children but I don't want children to be in a broken home being that's what I came from and him. And being we aren't stable and solid in our foundation. I just don't think that would be right but that also makes me sad. Because after I married my first husband he decided he hated kids and didn't want any so I was so happy to meet my husband now and share wanting kids and than we end up like this.

One of Dr. Harley's requirements for his program is 15 hours a week of UA(undivided attention).

Will he quit one of his jobs?

Is he still talking with his XGF?

These two things need to be changed.

No he won't quit one of the jobs. He is looking at getting a different job that would give him more time being that his in town job takes up 10 plus hours of his day. My fear is that if he gets the new job it wont benefit us all the extra time will go to the family business. Because they need him to much, he's like a slave. I worry all the time that the way he works himself something will happen to him that he will work himself to death.

And I don't believe he has had contact with the ex as far as I know.

When is the last time he contacted her that you know of? Have you checked his phone records?

Has he changed all his contact information so she can't contact him?

Also will you email Dr. Harley?

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that address their question.

So Sorry to hear you are having such a hard time.

Does your husband read or listen to any of Dr. H books or videos?

If he doesn't...Would he be willing to if you told him it was important for you marriage?

No he hasn't changed his information.

And yesnI have seen the phone records and there has been nothing on the phone for years.

I CAN'T have this on the radio his mother listens and that would be really bad.

To life4799

No he doesn't listen and when I asked him about getting a program he just was saying with his work schedule he doesn't see how it would work.

If you tell the Harleys to use fake names, they will gladly honor your request. They will also leave out any identifying details. The Harleys use emails and situations from all around the world, literally, so it's hard to imagine that you could be specifically identified. IF your family actually listens to MB.

I prefer not to be on the radio.. I just want to be able to share my feelings and get some thoughts from the board.

Thanks

He is right.

With his current work schedule, his and your marriage will not work.

LTL

You can also email them and tell them your concerns and they can either talk to you off the air or email with you.

As you may already notice you can't fix you marriage without your husband. So you need to be honest with him about where his account stands without any demands, disrespectful judgements or angry outbursts. Hopefully that will make him slow done enough to ask you 'what can he do?'

If he ask you that question, you may be tempted to give him a list of needs that you need him to meet, DON'T! (it's a trap that he will use against you, to make you seem unreasonable).

Instead say you would like to go through The His Needs Her Need DVD and participant guide or one of the online courses with him. Let Harley and/or a coach help him understand that you are not unreasonable.

But your first step is to get his attention before you guys lose so many love units that either one or both of you just want out.