I have limited contact with my exWH but we have 2 young children together so I do still see and speak to him regularly. I set up a shared calender where I put all of the kids activities and appointments, his visitation schedule and any modifications to it that we agree on. I did this so I do not have to email/text/call him about that stuff, it is just available to him. The problem that I am having is that he doesn't look at the calender which in turn hurts our kids when he doesn't show up to events when the kids are with me or take them to their activities when they are with him. I have primary/majority custody so when possible I schedule things on my time, but it is not always feasible.

When we do see each other in person to transfer the children his behavior towards me swings wildly. One day he won't even look at me and the next time he wants to chat about his personal life like we are best friends. It usually depends on whether or not his AP is with him during the transfers, but not always.

My question is, do I just let it all go and try to comfort my kids when he lets them down or should I contact him directly about the most important things to remind him?

I would have no direct contact with him.
You arent his babysitter and he doesnt attend events because they arent a priority to him

I totally agree with that, but in the end it is our kids that get hurt and that is what bothers me. I've been trying to protect them from his choices and keep him as high on a pedestal as I can in their eyes, but it is increasingly difficult.

You have no control over that. Let it go. Waywards disappoint. Comfort your kids but you can't make him go. If he cared, he would make the time.


This you do have control over. Either don't schedule any activities during his time or ask him to change the date...if agreed, put it on the calendar. It isn't fair to you, but you have a choice on how to handle it since you already know he is unreliable.

Why? You are doing a disservice to your children...avoiding reality.

I know you mean well, but I don't children are made safe or secure by illusions and false expectations. It just confuses them terribly and makes them less equipped to deal with the world.

Well, I don't think I am keeping reality from them at all.

My oldest (now 7) knows full well that her father broke our marriage vows and left me for another woman. She figured that out on her own when he introduced the kids to his AP at his work. She came home and asked very direct questions to which I gave very direct answers. I'm not sure exactly what my 3 yr old understands, but he has been present when his sister is asking me questions about the affair.

What I mean by protecting them is that I try to phrase things as neutral as possible. When he doesn't show up and they ask why I say something like, "I'm not sure why Daddy didn't come, maybe something came up." What I am thinking is, "Your Dad didn't come because you are no longer a priority in his life!"
And then I usually give her a hug and talk about how we can't control other peoples choices, but we can control our own reactions to them.

I have no idea if I'm doing this right, but I'm trying. I welcome advice on how others would handle these things.

TakesTwo,
One thing that I learned in AlAnon is that we shouldnt make excuses for other peoples behavior.
Own your own behavior...not your ex husbands

Have you read this?
How to Plan B Correctly

When you said you try to keep their father very high on a pedestal in the children's eyes, I was thinking something totally different. Given your example, I don't see you doing that. However, I wouldn't offer up the part that maybe something came up as the reason exWH wasn't there. Stick with "I don't know." As your children get older, you can perhaps tell them, "I don't know...maybe you can ask him next time you see/talk to him." That way you also let them know that it's ok for them to ask. Children need to learn to confront problems so they don't become conflict avoiders. KWIM?

As your children age, they will put the pieces together little by little but don't offer up any excuses for their dad. It is tough to watch their disappointment. Sorry you and the kids have to deal with it.

Please read this and listen to the clips.
Exposing to Children

Brianhurts,

Thanks for the links. The ones on exposing the affair to children really helped validate what I have been doing in that area.

The Plan B link I think is part of where my problem is. I never did an official Plan B and I only found this site after my divorce was final. I did my own version of Plan B after he introduced the kids to his AP, but that was months after he moved out. At that point I changed the locks, told him he was no longer welcome in the house at all, packed all his stuff and gave him a deadline to get it and filed for divorce. I never wrote a letter or totally cut off all contact.

Where we are now, I am usually the one to contact him via email or text about the children and he usually responds with a vague reply or not at all. This leaves the kids and I dangling in the wind with no idea how he wants to handle a situation until the very last minute when he can't avoid the issue any longer.

So, in trying to make things better for my kids by being flexible with visitation and activities it is just creating more stress and anxiety when exWH will not commit to any arrangement until the final hour. I want to note that I never suggest a modification to benefit me, it is only around stuff the kids need or want to do. I make my own plans within the bounds of the custody agreement because that is so much easier than dealing with his indecision.

I feel like I'm talking in circles but am I right in saying that I need to just stop giving him the opportunity to jerk us around even if that is at the expense of the kids?

Dr. Harley would probably encourage you to just comply with the court order and have no direct contact with him

That's one of the main reasons to apply Plan B. The problem with trying to be buds with the ex, and be amicable 'for the kids' is that you are dealing with an irresponsible person.

Tehe friends with the ex thing is a theory that only works on paper, and only works with a responsible person who puts his family first. If he were that, you'd still be married!

I did Plan B without kids (and it is glorious and changed my life - every bit of it). If I had kids I'd be twice as serious about it, because you can make such a lovely world for your family in the safety of Plan B. For example, he'd be instructed not to attend events when you were there and the kids would get used to that, he'd have no chance to stand them up and you could all just concentrate on having a lovely time together.

I've also been an intermediary for quite a few Plan Bers with children. One of the things that has been universal with each WH is that they don't give a crud about the kids or about being a parent. Even the ones that had been really good dads pre-A.

All they care about is having access to the BS. That's because contact with the BS helps to keep the A alive (they are usually based on complaints about 'her at home' and they stop having things to talk about when they are properly together)

They either want to actively be nasty to her or to be nice. Usually they alternate which one week by week, a pattern you yourself are discovering. My job as IM is to protect her from that and just tell the WH I wont be passing on personal messages.

I think the best thing about Plan B is it forces the WS to actually parent. They can't have access to the BS, or jump on to her events like a bandwagon, or count on her for reminders - they have to do it themselves, on their own time, in their own space, or be obvious failures to all as a parent.

Kids also aren't stupid. They know you are having him to gee him along. He'll have the chance to be a better dad if you don't. He'll either take that chance or he won't.

Most certainly do not let him interrupt or intrude on your fabulous and involved parenting time and nice events. He made his bed.

Plus you'll be cuckoo if you keep having contact with him and your kids need one whole, happy parent.

I applaud your exposing him to the kids and banning access to the family home. I bet that's not popular with him! However it means your kids have a refuge and they are less confused about his nonsense.

Keep up the truth telling and don't make excuses for him. I'd encourage them to speak to dad whenever they have a problem with dad. He really is the only one who can do anything about it and the blame belongs with him if he does not.

Yep!!

I don't know what is in your decree but if it's the typical stuff that you both have the right to attend school functions, etc, I wouldn't tell him not to come (since he can tell you to take a flying leap) but I also wouldn't go out of my way to tell him about events either. If he wants to know these things, he can call the school, look at the school website, sign up for parent email notifications, etc...he can figure it out.

My ex doesn't live in my state so this is usually a moot issue for me but I do email a copy of the school calendar at the beginning of the school year so he is aware of the holidays breaks, when school is out, etc. I don't HAVE to do that but it makes it easier for me to send one email...and I don't mind doing it. It spares me contact about each holiday, when kids are out, etc. And he has to book air travel for the kids to see him.

You already are using a calendar and you may want to keep it to list the school holidays but I wouldn't offer all the other stuff you do. If he wants to go to a school play, a soccer game, etc. he can find out for himself or send you an email but from the sounds of it he doesn't show up anyway.

Well, for the past 6 months I have taken a huge step away from my exWH and it has been glorious for me. I took the advice here and have left it up to him to be a parent. I put information about doctor's appointments and major school events on the joint calendar so I am not in violation of the custody order but everything else I leave for him to figure out on his own.

I've also stopped trying to force the relationship between him and the kids by arranging everything between them. As a result, he rarely has any contact with them at all. It has been 3 months since he has seen them and he will go for weeks at a time without any text messages to our daughter. He never calls, so contact with our 4 year only happens when he sees him.

I am doing fabulous and I have returned to school to get my master's degree, which has been something I wanted to do since I got my undergrad degree 14 yrs ago. I feel great and almost guilty some days because I see myself as better off divorced than I was married. It is funny how I went from thinking my life was over when he left to being happy he is gone.

My kids are doing ok, not great, but ok. I've had my daughter in counselling for 10 months now and it is helping, but she has a long way to go. She started in the gifted program at school this year and that has helped her self esteem and confidence tremendously, but she is still struggling with the loss of her father. THe kids and I have new routines and standards as a family of 3 and every day it gets to be more the norm for them.

I wanted to pop back on here and thank everyone who gave me advice on this thread and the countless threads of other people that I read and learned from.

Maybe I'll be back when I'm ready to date! I have two requirements for any future partner. 1) God is first in their life and 2) They are willing to follow the MB plan

How is the school work going?
Are you attending full time?

TakesTwo-thank you for posting your update. As someone who has just realised I have been paddling around muddily in Plan C for two years at least, it is so encouraging to read about a successful Plan B.

And I admire you enormously for managing a young family AND returning to uni get your Master's degree!

Best wishes

Deluded

I just saw your update...good job lady!!!

And yes, come back when the dating begins!