I will stay vigilant regarding her external relationships. The first hurdle will be to get her to really honestly focus on the "homework" at the start of this. Even though I've been married to her for 8 years, with all of these problems, I can't honestly say I know all of her Emotional Needs or Love Busters.

If I can learn these things, I will pour everything I have into filling these needs in a way that I also enjoy.

For anyone that came back from not loving your SO, what were your first positive experiences with this program? What was the first sensation of a Love Deposit?

Does she have male friends? Tell us about these.

I would arrange to drop in at school some day by surprise and see how their relationship looks in person. From what you've described here, she is already engaging in intimate conversation with this man. EVERYTHING you are describing here is a red flag. NOTHING you mention makes it any less likely that this is an affair.

Do not take the focus off of the affair and put it onto meeting emotional needs. That doesn't work.

Focus on the 4 intimate emotional needs -- affection, Intimate Conversation, recreational companionship, and sexual fulfillment. These are the emotional needs that make people fall in love.

Why is she texting with this guy?

They mainly text regarding class assignments. This MBA class is almost entirely group oriented. You are in the same group of 4-5 people for the entire 1 year program, taking all of the core classes together (the entire cohort has to take those classes together). He is in her group. And they are the two "leaders" of the group - i.e. when there is a group paper due, they ensure that everyone has equal work and all of the work will cover the assignment.

Like I said, the majority of the texts are class-oriented, and the remainder aren't flirty in any way, just brief updates on other things that are going on (nothing intensely personal, just like "how is Atlanta?" since one knows the other is in Atlanta for business). And the texts are not daily. In fact, they sometimes go a week or more without texts. She never runs off with her phone, and she never tries to hide it from me. I will keep a close eye, and I will ask her again how exactly she feels when she talks to him. I understand that even though nothing physical may be going on, she could be growing closer just through conversation meeting her needs. And I understand that our program will have no hope if that continues.

I'm sure you think I have my head the in sand, but I'm not trying to, anyway. I have checked her phone and her e-mail before without her knowing.

Perhaps I should ask her to limit the personal texts with him?

Don't ask her how she feels when she talks to him. As MelodyLane explained, that kind of thing will never get you an honest answer if she has feelings for him, and will offend her if she doesn't.

Work and class provide plenty of opportunity for pursuing an affair. Don't assume it can't be happening based on the notion that she doesn't have the time.

Why does she communicate with him about non-class related things? Colleagues in business or school ought to stick to business or school.

Lou, it sounds like Dr. Harley and his wife Joyce read your question on the Marriage Builders Radio show today. Take a listen to the rebroadcast and see what they said.

This is very suspicious. "How is Atlanta?" is, indeed, a personal question. She is getting her need for conversation met by this man.

Thanks, I will listen to that later. It looks like it is always streaming, so I'll just need to listen to the whole hour to find it?

So what should I do?

I think you need to get some software on her phone/PC and get more exact information about what is going on. I also think you need to show up unannounced at school one day. I also think you should get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and GPS in her car and find out exactly where all she goes.

You need to know what she's doing with this guy when she thinks you aren't looking.

Or if you have a smart phone you can download the radio app and fast forward / rewind to find it that way.

It's available for iPhone and And Android

Thanks for the support. I feel really iffy snooping on her like that, especially GPS. Like I said, I have access to her texts and emails. I have her password. I have been watching. I am conflicted because I feel strongly if anything, she is just getting a conversational need filled. But I feel like that should stop while we're going through this.

Prisca, if I may ask, how did you feel throughout the process? What were your thoughts when he told you about it (assuming he researched it and started it)? How did it feel early on when he engaged in these conversations with you while you didn't love him? How did your emotions start to change? How long did it take? Right now I am bothering her with my conversations, but they definitely aren't fulfilling her emotional needs, only mine (I am looking for comfort because am absolutely crushed right now).

Lou,

There is also good news if there is an affair or not you should be able to re-establish romantic love in your marriage.

Read up on this website and some of the MB books.

You may have to accept that your W never really loved you and that you have to start from almost zero again in the romance department.

That was one of the things my W after I had blundered into MB, was that she never felt the same about me for the 20+ years of our marriage after her pre-marriage affair with OM2. It's not easy to swallow all the wasted years.

God Bless
Gamma

To bring this around, you are going to have to do some things you don't feel like doing, regardless of how you feel about it, and regardless of how your wife feels about it. Like Prisca said, you need to find out what she's doing with this guy when she thinks you aren't watching.


She hated it and she fought me tooth and nail and she did everything she could possibly do to make me stop.


You are getting way ahead of yourself. Anyway, the "how" is described in Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts and explanation of the Love Bank.


Felt like forever. It certainly didn't start changing before the truth of the affair was revealed.

Now, back to doing what you need to do - get that GPS.


Actually, if those conversations aren't full of demands, disrespect, or anger, they are making love bank deposits. She won't like that while your balance in her love bank is negative, because she doesn't like you. But they are still making deposits, so don't stop.

His Needs Her Needs describes four friends of good conversation and four enemies of good conversation. You should review all eight of these daily, and practice the four friends and avoiding the four enemies daily. Spend fifteen hours a week doing this.

Have you listened to the show yet?