First here is my intro,
My name is Jeff I'm 29 years old, have been married 9 years and have 4 beautiful children together.
Now, the question at heart, can my marriage be saved?
I'm going to start off by saying that this woman is my world, and I love her to death.
So here's my story: we knew each other for 6 months before being married, we moved in together for 2 weeks then got married, really fast, but was planed. We both knew we were the ones we wanted to spend the rest of our life's with. Love at first sight!
We got pregnant a few months after marriage, so we never really got a lot of time together without children. Our first year was tough, but it was just hormones, and we were both truly happy. We always had arguments and fights, nothing out of the ordinary, and always worked through it together. Now skip forward to 2013, 4 kids later. She says those years were the worst of her life, that I was always crabby and yelling. I can see that, but there was always happiness. Of course I see things differently. Now here are some things that I know and she will admit, she has had Facebook for 5 years now, and ever since, we lost closeness. Every night after bed for the kids time was wasted away on Facebook. I always tried being close, and in turn pushed to be, and when I did, she pushed me away. Now back to 2013. We just bought a house, and everything was going well, so I thought. Well after a few weeks of living in it I found her looking at her exes profile on fb. At first, I thought nothing, then decided to take a look, well in the activity log it was a few times a day for a few months. Well I know there was no contact, and no cheating. She never left the house. And I trust 100% what she told me. Well it caused a lot of problems, I lost some trust, so she got rid of fb on her own. Re registered a few months later. Well after that, she wanted to throw in the towel, told me how unhappy she was, and was wondering what life would been like with him. I promised her I would change, be more patient, less of a slob, and spend more time with our kids. I became a completely different person, I changed into everything she always said she wanted to be. We both agreed to try for 1 year, and if nothing changed and she still was unhappy, we would walk away friends.
We started to go to church, all was excellent, she told me how happy she was agian, and that she has fallen back in love with me. Now we are at the 8 month mark, and it's been the best our relationship has been in 9 years. We are at Mother's Day this year, and I get her a hotel room for the night, to relax for the night. Me and the kids came swimming, then went home. 1 hour later she was home crying in my arms, saying I couldn't be away from you, I just want to be at home with you and the kids. Now, 1 week later, she drops a bomb on me. And this out of no where. Were pool side at home, she looks at me, and says I'm done. Out of no where!!!! Says she faked the last 8 months, and felt nothing. What gives, I have no clue. She doesn't love me and is not in love with me. She won't talk to me about it, and I tried, and she is pushing me away. Things bad, I leave for a week to give her space, she wanted me to. I ask if I can come back, she agrees. I come home, I don't push her, every thing is alright, we are pool side agian, this is about a month later. and blows up, not talking about anything, and tells me stop acting like everything is ok. I'm not I tell her, I'm just not trying to push you.. She storms in the house, and it's done, no talking about it, just left it alone.
A few days go by and I tell her we need to talk about this. Kids are in the pool, and we go in the grass, she's in my arms, and tells me she is depressed, unhappy with her life, she is as nothing but mom. She needs to "find her self". She is in distress. Crying telling me I love you. Then she tells me a year ago when I was looking at my ex, it's because she has no closure. He asked her to marry him, news to me, and she caught him cheating the day before. I tell her I'm sorry, and her closure is he cheated, it could have been after kids and marriage. That's your closure. All is ok for a few days, we ingaged in relation over that course of a couple days. I love you was said multiple times a day.
Now a few days after that I was at work, texting asking about the kids. And end the convo with I love you. She tells me I'm not saying that anymore, I don't love you, I'm not in love.
Now here we are. We got along the entire time, I love you was exchanged once or twice. We had a fourth party, all was ok, getting along. Well since that party I've been pushing her, what are we going to do, I want to work this out. Well now there is so so much anger from her. If I bring it up, she gets so angry, anger I have never seen before. Says she doesn't want to try anymore, and that' she's misurable with me. She's done. And everything I do or say she gets angry about, has been yelling constantly.
I get from her, from little things, that she still loves me. And I see it as she won't go anywhere, so there might be a little bit of try left. All I know is I can't push her anymore. And I'm not.
Is it over? What do I say, or do? Do I just let time heal and leave her alone? Do I give up and leave.
I don't see it in her heart that she wants out, but it seems her mind is made up.
Thanks for the help, and sorry for the long read.

I guess I should add this too. We never really had a chance to have baby sitters, and have been on 4 or 5 dates in 4 years. And one of those we just stayed home and ate dinner together. She will admit, that she is bored. Never really had friends with kids either to spend time with. Now she found some friends and has been close for about 6 months. That's who our 4th party was for. Second time I met them and their husbands. I show interest in them to, but it's hard to get together when between us all there is 20+ kids.
And she is turning 30 in the next few months. Maybe a midlife crises?

Please, I really need some input, it's killing me, and I have absolutely nobody to talk to.

I'm sorry you are going through this pain. Sorry no one has responded. The board can be slow during the weekend.

Have you checked to see if your wife is having an affair? Her behavior has a lot of red flags that indicate this possibility. Don't ask her; just snoop quietly to see what she's doing.

When a spouse says "I'm love you but I'm not in love with you," that means there's a new point of comparison. This is a big red flag and very often points to infidelity.

Put a keylogger on her computer; see if you can get a hold of her phone. Find out what she's doing.

While you are snooping, make SURE you eliminate all your love busters. Don't fight or argue. Be your best.

The reason you should snoop to find out if she's having an affair is because if she IS having an affair, that will need to be killed first. Otherwise, everything you would be doing to become the husband she has always wanted will be in vain.

Well, we don't own a computer, and she is not secretive about her phone. I have recently been on her fb, and no red flags, seen all her contacts, and nothing new, looked through her call log, and nothing. I've had printed call logs from our phone provider, and it's either all me, or family.
There is no way she is cheating, she doesn't ever go out, litierly. A girlfriends house, but has the kids every time, and dinner with these girls 3 times, once with kids, and 2 without, and was home by 9:30 both times. Unless it was during the day when I'm at work, which isn't possible, because of the kids, who are not all in school, but old enough to know sombody came over.
And I trust her 100%, and she is brutally honest, and right now seems like she wants out of it so bad, I think she would be honest.

Threads merged. Please stick to one thread in future.

The ex is probably still in the picture.
Can you afford a private investigator?

At this point, you should snoop (hire a PI) and enter "plan A."
In "plan A" you try to meet her top emotional needs while avoiding "love busters."

Have you read the book Surviving an Affair by Dr. Willard Harley?
Do you listen to his Radio Show?

Your wife's behavior has a lot of red flags. Most people don't even realize they have fallen out of love with their spouse until there is a new point of comparison. Once they are in love with someone else, they realize they aren't in love with their spouse.

Even though you trust her 100%, you would be wise to snoop and find out exactly what she's doing. Even if she's going to a girlfriend's house with the children, there is a way to have an affair or, at the very least, develop an attraction to someone else.

Waywards are rarely ever honest about it.

Instead of simply checking her phone, install a keylogger on it without her knowledge.

We tell people to check for an affair first, because otherwise all your efforts to win her back will be in vain.

Its an affair Jeff. You are wrong to place so much emphasis on her not leaving the house. Women can still be in love without physical contact.

ILYBNILWY means there is a new point of contrast. Usually a fantasy the spouse cannot compete with. Often FB or online games cause affairs based purely on fantasy. It destroys marriages even when the partners are continents apart.

My guess is every time she's tried to end it one or both have them have caved and renewed contact somehow.

I'd treat this as an emotional affair at the very least, snoop and get your proof. Perhaps a hidden affair phone is being used.

In the meantime - Plan A!

Owning a computer is irrelevant, since both of you obviously have free access to the Internet. Facebook is a red flag all by itself. You have some rather odd ways of validating honesty. Honesty is not proven by citing situations where it is present, but rather by looking at instances where accountability is absent. We already know that your wife has used Facebook in the past to get into trouble. Otherwise, she would not have scared herself and tried to drop it on her own. She took it back up again, which points to a probable addition. Many unhappy wives who are addicted to Facebook are using it to conduct an affair. Your wife has plenty of opportunity to conduct an affair, and all the signs are there that indicate she is doing just that.

Believe it or not, this is the biggest sign (aside from ILYBNILWY) in your post of an affair.

An affair is like an addiction. She will have starting getting attention from her ex as 'harmless' flirting, thinking she could make him regret cheating on her. When it's spiralled out of control and she is logging on x times a day, it will have scared her and she would not have liked the idea of losing everything for a cheap ego boost. So she quits Facebook. Then helplessly, the addiction draws her back in.

People in affairs are heavily depressed and irrational and you cannot make them happy. Like any other addict, every once in a while they will make a vow to quit (the affair partner is commonly a loser) and they will act like it's a huge reunion with you even though you have been there the whole time. Quite hysterical and weepy, clinging to you as though they have just escaped the jaws of death. However she gets sucked back in again to the affair shortly afterwards.

It's pretty easy to get a phone with internet access, hide it from your husband and then make sure nothing he does can possibly make you happy. Having tried a few times, she is now of the opinion that she cannot quit and it is easier to blame you. Easier to cheat on a sinner than a saint. Anything nice you do will offend her conscience.

We see what you are describing all the time. If you snoop, you will find proof within a few days.

Agree with the others. Its very clear that your W is having an affair.

Note: Do NOT try to talk to her about this - do not beg, plead, badger and try to get her to admit it. That's the route MOST folks in denial take. BIG MISTAKE!

Be pleasant, keep the house nice, take care of the kids, avoid lovebusters all while QUIETLY snooping.

This is very fixable but you need to listen to us and follow the plan....

This is an affair, there is no doubt in my mind. This is exactly how a person in an affair behaves.

Are you ready to get to work to save your marriage?

I want to save and fix it, regardless if she is having an affair. I don't know how else to snoop, i have full access to everything. Well things got so bad, I left tonight. I just couldn't handle the anger anymore. How much does a pi cost? And how long would results usually take?

PI's usually get results within a couple days (from what I've read on this Forum).
Others have told you how to snoop: GPS on car, keylogger software, etc.

My wife had an "affair phone" she bought at Walmart for $20.

You cannot save a marriage while there is an active affair.
You must first kill any active affair.

Jo get back in your home. Don't leave permanently or let her change the locks.

Treat her anger like that of a drunk. Its not anything to do with you its her own bad choices making her act out.

I plan on going home, but not yet, I need a little time to cope with this whole thing, it's putting me in such a deep dark depression, and I don't want my kids to see me like this. Regardless of what it is, or what's going on, I want to repair it. I love this woman with all my heart. I know my self, and I know life goes on, but I could never be happy with another person.
What do I need to do? I know right now, that I need some time to myself, and I want to give her a little time and space.
What is a key logger, and can I get it for iPhone? Is it traceable in any way from her? Would I always have to get a hold of her phone to check it?
Everything I looked for says the iPhone needs to be jail broken, and that's not an option.
And I ask if it's traceable because she was having problems with the phone a few weeks ago, and she googled what was going with it, and said all the symptoms were the same that they would be if the phone had spy ware on it, and she accused me of putting it on there. So she said she was going to have it checked from the phone store.
So a logger/spyware is already in her head.

What I did get out of her last night, is I'm sorry that you are hurt so bad over this. But I'm sorry, I just don't love you anymore. Yes I agree that those 8 months were the best we had, and I did have feeling from it, but I wasn't 100% there. I took a look at my life, and realized I am only going to be 30 years old, and I don't picture myself with you when I am 80. I love you, but I don't love you like a wife should love a husband.

Please listen very carefully to the posters here. The proclamations your wife is making are called fog babble. She is feeding you this babble to manipulate you. This form of manipulation is called gaslighting. If you buy into it and react to her brand honesty you will be rendered powerless to stand up to her addiction to the affair. The I don't love you dies hurt but it's more an indicator then anything. Your reaction (to leave) is helpful in that it allows your wife to entrench her affair. Learn to make statements in response in a non reactionary fashiont and support your marriage. When she says she does not love you say "I understand and fortunately we can renew our love with a plan. I believe in our marriage" you are going to take the bull by the horns and stand up for your marriage. Not walk out of your marriage home in defeat or a sense of being less then.

For the depression see a doctor and temporarily start an antidepressant. This is a battle you have to fight and its going to be painful.