I've been lurking for a while, but I think it's finally time for me to post.

I'm 25 and my husband is 29. We got married 6 years ago, so we were pretty young. No kids, just cats. Three (four?) years ago we moved to where we are now and we really enjoy it. Have a great friends group and church family, bought a house a year ago, I got my degree, we both found full-time jobs, and we got into our passions. He has a band and had the opportunity to tour with them about a month ago, going all the way down the I-5 corridor from Oregon to California. When he came back, he let a lot of things off his chest, and the last 3 weeks have felt like 3 months because of all we've discussed, fought about, and felt.

It comes down to these things:
- His religious views have changed. This was a big part of why we got married, and he feels like it's taken away some of our foundation. He doesn't feel like it's fair to me that my husband won't think the same way or participate in some of the religious holidays, etc. He thinks I'm more upset about it than I'm actually showing. (I am upset, but I'm more upset about the things below)
- He doesn't know how to commit to me or fall in love with me again. He says it feels like we've been friends or roommates for about a year. He has little to no motivation to get back to a place where we're in love again. It doesn't even upset him to think of me moving on and finding someone else. (I have felt some distance, but I am by no means in the place where I'm okay with us going our separate ways instead of actually working on us)
- He still loves me, still wants to be friends, still wants to support me, says I'm his best friend, etc. (That's all great, but I don't think he realizes how painful this will be for me if we don't stay together. I don't think I'll be able to be his friend for a while)
- He is dealing with a lot of insecurities. saying things like "I know you deserve better" and "I just feel like there's someone out there who's way better than me" and talking about failing me, failing us, how he can't live up to what he signed up for.

So, that's him. I've been trying to respond in the right way, a way that fosters a safe place for him to be flawed. I tell him I have faith in us and faith in him. I talk about a bright future. I still make him dinner even though he wants to leave at night. I still tell him he can sleep in our bed though he insists on sleeping on the couch.

I have looked at the Love Busters and the Emotional Needs. I haven't approached him with them, but I spoke a little bit about emotional needs last night because he keeps saying "I can't give you what you need." He said his sexual drive is small to non-existent and it's hard for him to show affection. Conversation and recreational companionship have pretty much kept things together the last year and kept him from addressing all this, I think, because at least we had that.

I tried to get him to talk about his needs, and he said he's been so emotionally independent. I said it doesn't seem to be working for him -- he's smoking again, always stressed out, and neither of us are eating or sleeping well. But he said it was just because he's been so emotional and is dealing with a lot, not because he's dealing with it alone. But I honestly feel like the LB and emotional needs only address part of the problem.

It honestly feels like the cliche "It's not you, it's me." It's him. I don't know what to do. All signs are pointing to, "This is over. His heart isn't in it, and it won't ever be." Yet I still have hope, hope that he will want to be the best for me, not that he'll want to let me go so I can go find the best. I have hope that he'll realize he needs me.

But I'm wondering what else I can do, either actions or attitude. I know I can't change his mind -- I know emotional pleas about how much he's hurting me will just make him feel guilty; I know talking about obligation to keep our vows falls on deaf ears because he hears "Stay together no matter how miserable you are"; I know I can't force, beg, or coerce him into it. It doesn't feel like I can love him into loving me back, either.

But before I get that attitude of "Well, time to move on" I just wanted to throw this out there and see what people thought. I'm tired of trying to climb up a brick wall, but I don't want to let go of him or everything we've worked for.

Welcome to MB.

How often does he travel? He was gone for 3 weeks?

Affairs are very common in bands that travel overnights.
Does he use drugs?

I think Dr. Harley would encourage you to start quietly snooping for any signs of an affair (find a way to read his text messages, facebook, etc - without his knowledge).

Also, install a keylogging spyware program on the house computer and laptop.

Hi Emily Ann,

I am so sorry for your pain. Can I ask if your husband masturbates while watching porn?
This is an addiction that creates a fog and contrast effect and the consequence is low sex drive toward you.
Or he can have an affair, as others mentioned here, which is very possible because of travelling.
Please listen to people who advise you to snoop and figure out what's going on. Then it will be easier to determine what would the next steps be. And please take care of yourself.

Please read this. Traveling Jobs

This "you deserve better" etc. is blatant navel gazing fog babble coming from a reaction to something as a result of his band travels.

As others have posted, its time to snoop without his knowledge and figure out who or what is replacing you. He's using the "you deserve better" to divert your attention and focus from his secrets. He wants you to feel you aren't enough and there is nothing you can do about it. Stealth abuse. Its gibberish. Its manipulative.

Oh dear. I heard all this from my sweet, shy honest husband when he began his affair. Seen a lot of the whole "I love you but not in love with you" since and it's always an affair.

They always want to remain friends (because they still love you and need you on the back burner) . The you deserve better reference is as close as you'll get to a confession.

Snoop.

I have a really hard time with the snooping thing. Just the thought makes me physically sick. Can someone tell me more about it, what the benefit of it would be? Because I hate the idea. I think I need to ask him straight up if anything is happening (because if anything were, I know who it would be with) way before I started spying on him.

ETA: He doesn't do drugs or watch porn. He was gone for 10 days and has been back about a month.

If you already have a suspicion then that will help a lot.
Dr. Harley would encourage you to snoop. A cheater will not just come up and say, "I've been having an affair with Mrs. Jane Doe and by the way, please pass the sugar."

SNOOP HIRE A PI.

Also, install a keylogger program on his computer. he may watch porn without your knowledge.

Here is a quote from Dr. Harley explaining why he encourages snooping:

Why would you have a hard time snooping? Obviously he is not going to tell you if he is doing something wrong so it makes no sense to ask outright. The benefit of snooping is to find out what - if anything - is going on when your spouse thinks you are not looking. There is no virtue in affording unwarranted trust. Your spouse does not have a right to privacy from you. It is too much trust that leads to affairs.

What do drugs or porn have to do with it? All an affair needs to start is a human connection. You know who that is with already! If he was gone for ten days then you can bet it was for the affair.

You can't ask him! Get real. He already knows he is in affair and he is dead set on you not knowing about it. He will also be very dedicated to protecting his mistress - all you will do is tip them off so they can tell everyone you are crazy paranoid and the affair will go underground. Affairs are addictions so any light threat from you will see it protected like a baby.

Snooping makes you sick? Excuse me but you need to wake up and FIND OUT ABOUT YOUR LIFE. It is incredibly cruel of him to keep you guessing like this. It is also an incredible insult for a HUSBAND who promised to cherish you to say 'let's be friends'.

Don't get me started on the fact he is waving his mistress beneath your nose.

If he can be that cruel you need to get serious about snooping. Then, without saying a WORD to him, you need to expose them both.

Without one word of warning to him that you are even suspicious.

See the Operation Investigate forum for snooping tips.

If you are operating a blind trust policy - the time to wake up and take action is now...

I was answering questions asked earlier in the thread. He was gone for ten days because he was touring with his band. Have you read anything posted in this thread?

I did ask him last night, and we had a really good talk. He feels like he's a completely different person than when we got married and can't give me what I need anymore. He doesn't feel that intimacy or that deep commitment he used to. If we're talking about what I've been replaced with, I'd say it's his music and his dedication to touring and when he does that, he feels like he's at home and hardly thinks about me. Then when he came home, he said he barely felt anything and he tried to force things for a few days but eventually came to the point where he knew he had to tell me what was on his heart -- and apparently has been for a long time.

There is so much going on and I feel like everyone on this thread is trying to simplify things. Which makes sense, because I can hardly describe everything in 500 words on an online forum. I tried to simplify things just to get advice!

I'd like advice aside from snooping or spying. I might still consider it, but I'd like other options, as well. Because I believe that even though it's taken a long time to get where we are (okay, I guess it's only been a month, but it feels like forever!), we've reached an understanding and we're being honest with one another.

Every time we talk, we get on better terms, but not toward the marriage I want, just toward a better friendship. I don't feel like anything I can say can convince him to try to fall in love with me again, I'm just interested in ideas on how to act, how long to wait, what I should be sure to give him, what I should be sure to do for myself, etc.

EmilyAnn, the only option I see for you at this time is to snoop and find out what is going on. I can understand why you might not want to hear that advice, but we are here to help you, not to tell you what you want to hear. Keep in mind you are the least objective person on this thread.

You are going to have to start taking the advice if you expect your situation to improve. We can't help you if you don't take the advice.

Just a word of advice: if you want people to help you here, then lose the snotty attitude. We are all volunteers here taking time out of our own busy lives to help you. No one has to help you and you will find that people won't bother if you are ungrateful and rude. You might want to show some gratitude to those are volunteering their time on your thread.

He's trying to ease out of the marriage. He will not turn back to you unless you get to the bottom of what's captured his attention and what looks so appealing (the other woman).

He also will not confess if asked. He's trying to let you down easy. You're too good for him? Why's that? HE'S CHEATING.

If you aren't ready to do battle for your marriage (and it IS a battle) then you need to prepare to walk away. You're young and can start over but for your own peace of mind, start snooping so you'll at least know what happened here.

It's definitely him, not you!

OK take care.

Hi EmilyAnnn,
I can understand your desire for advice on more than snooping. There is lots of helpful advice in this forum, and it's not all about snooping. But the thing to me is that a big part of this approach is Radical Honesty. From your point of view it may seem like that kind of honesty will be forthcoming from your husband, but what folks are saying is that it will very, very likely not be. And without the truth, knowing what is the best thing to do is nearly impossible. Maybe you could consider snooping to be a way to determine what is best to do. If snooping turns up nothing, good. If it does turn up something, that is good too because you need to know the truth. It is a way of taking care of yourself.

The problem is that we can't give her "other advice" until she rules out an affair. That step has to be taken before we can move on because if there is an affair anything we tell her to do will be worthless. It will be a waste of our time and hers. I know I sure don't have time to give advice that might be worthless because we don't have all the facts.