You will find that you remain happier when you are not in touch with him. It is HEALTHY to stay away from people/places and things that trigger unhappiness. For example, would it be cute and virtuous for a rape victim to remain in contact with her rapist? "Co-parenting" is usually not a very healthy arrangement. If you could be "amicable" you would be married, after all.

My XH and I divorced 15 years ago due to his affair. Every time I was in contact with him, I was triggered again and all those horrible feelings about his affair came flooding back. So I ended contact with him. And guess what? I don't have those horrible feelings anymore!

"Coparenting' is largely a mythological cultural stereotype that represents a mythological emotional "health" for some weird, unknown reason. For those whose ox is not being gored, it is a cute and winsome "virtue." Pay no attention to that! If you want to maintain your emotional health, then stay in Plan B and don't pay any attention to those - who have no emotional investment in the outcome - who try to tell you that there is some virtue in "coparenting" with the person who represents the worst tragedy of your life.

I am happier than I ever imagined my life could be. But I would never be thankful that the worst tragedy of my life happened. NEVER. I am only thankful for the things that occurred AFTERWARDS that made my life happy.

I remain happy by removing things from my life that make me unhappy. One of those things is my XH.

Insightful as always MelodyLane. Thankful for YOU!

I am not thankful for the most horrible experience BUT I feel that it has made me a more experienced person in this one life I am living.
I am able to say that I went through this awful betrayal and am persevering and thriving despite it. My life is richer in that way though I would have preferred keeping the veil of ignorance that romance is eternal by chance and not careful protection and tending to it.

Anyway.

I am in a seemingly eternal Plan B (though we have three children together) in order to protect my feelings but you can choose what you want to do down the line.

Sort of. My father said that he thinks my experience has given me a 'second degree'. I am far, far happier than I have ever been. However he and my mother got there (a happy life) without any hard knocks. So I am happy that I am as happy as they are but I wish I hadn't had to learn everything the really, really hard way.


You've started to see some benefits from Plan B. That's amazing and I am excited for you. However don't think that just because you are feeling better that you will be able to reach the point when WXH's presence won't affect you. It will. Just like a rape victim encountering their unremorseful attacker - it will hurt you. I sometimes think I am so healed as to be unaffected any more. My Dday was in 2011 and I have healed pretty well. I don't think about it much. However just one trigger can send me right back to that pain where I was on the floor. It doesn't last long, but it happens and it warns me to continue taking care of myself and avoid contact.

The problem is people watch pro-affair movies* where the BS says "Oh darling I know you were not happy with me, I will smile on benignly while you boink the cheapest woman of our acquaintance and put my own feelings to one side like there were no promises between us." This gives people the unrealistic expectation that you will just be able to shrug it off. When they see that you are collapsing in pain they think 'OK give her some time before she can shrug it off'. We even internalise that expectation of ourselves - people like us who KNOW just how painful it is.

You won't ever be able to shrug it off. Also, you don't need to. WH doesn't need anyone to hold his hand while he parents. It is best he accepts responsibility and does that on his own. He gets the rights of visitiation with his children. He doesn't get any right to visitation with you! I know he did not consider that, but that is his too bad.

*Also avoid watching the Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. You won't be missing much.

Who is to say that you would not have been happy if WH had been faithful and acted like a real husband and father.


The gift is that you are a strong and intelligent woman who took control of her life after it fell apart around her.

You would be amazed at the number of people who are afraid to take control of their lives and stay stuck in unloving and toxic marriages.


What would you be teaching your children if they heard that it was a gift that their father was a cheat that abandoned them for a gold digging party girl?

I agree. The gift is YOUR Strength, what was in you all the time. To rise above the circumstances dealt you.
The gift is NOT the circumstances dealt you!!!

Thank you so much ML, reading, indiegirl, pokerface & catwhit....

Yes, I have been doing better but you are right- the pain is STILL there... I had a moment of 'remembering' that slapped me in the face and brought me to tears yesterday... thankfully, my recovery time is much, much, quicker. But it indeed confirmed everything you have all said above...
Continual PLAN B please.

so grateful for your experience and insight. xx

Wow wow wow. So OW's mom just called me and told me that she's so sorry about what happened. She said she and her husband are so upset and that OW's sister is so disgusted that she won't let OW in her home (her husband travels a lot). She then proceeded to tell me that her daughter has no moral compass and goes through guys all the time- gets them to buy her a bunch of things and then gets rid of them. AND that OW is a drug addict, is back in it deep (heroin!) and that they are trying to get her hospitalized this week. They said she and WH are done and he is looking for a new job closer to the kids- she just wanted to let me know. I have no intention of taking him back but this is still really good info to have. I do not revel in this news (though good to have in back pocket in case needed in court)- her mom was so sweet and told me that she could tell I was a great person and mom and wished she had a daughter like me.

Thank you so much MB and Plan B!! Just with the protocol of exposure OW's mom had my number and I was able to get this info.....

This is great news!! If your H contacts your dad about possible reconciliation, have your dad contact me and I will help him test your H's sincerity and navigate the situation.

How kind of her mother to call you!

I just love exposure. The vast benefits are many and often unpredictable.

Don't keep this in your back pocket. You need to let your attorneys know all the facts.

It is concerning that WH has been hanging with a heroin addict. Thank goodness that OW's parents had the decency to inform you so that you can protect your family.

Are you considering fighting for full custody now?

Hi Pokerface- thanks for the advice. I wasn't considering it because I didn't want to drag the kids through a full custody battle but you are right- it is concerning that WH is hanging with a heroin addict. I believe he thought she was clean and he is now "done." But, I just emailed my lawyers to let them know.

SFL, how do you know all this? Addicts aren't very likely to hang out with non-addicts. What happened here?

Her mom just told me that she has struggled with drugs for awhile. She supposedly got clean and got the job at my WH's company (before WH was brought on). But now, she has apparently fallen back into it....
OW's mom said that wH told OW's sister that "he's done" (done with her) but he is hanging around to make sure she doesn't "end up on the streets." Mom said that they (OW's mom and sister) are telling WH to just go and not worry about her because she has her family now. That's all I know....

gotcha!

It doesn't sound like he is done with her if he is hanging around to make sure she doesn't end up on the streets.

Hi SFL,

Druggie?! Nice! All the more reason to have an order that OW can NEVER be around your children. That OW uses heroin...if she shoots it and your WH has been having sex with her, there is all sorts of health risks from using needles that can affect him.

I think your WH is full of crap and still involved with her. Are you open to reconciliation? The drugs add a whole other level of concern.

I would seek sole custody, SFL.

I am actually not open to reconciliation with him.... Hindsight 20/20 + my latest findings point to a big sex addiction, LOTS of issues, and him being into "things" I'm not into.

- When we first got together he wanted to do sexual things I was not into (aggressive/full BDSM things). He dismissed it and said that he wasn't really "into" that sort of stuff- he just thought he'd "try."
(but he did have a own of weird "props" that always had me wondering.)
- When I started snooping months ago I found a lot of bookmarks to BDSM websites.
- There are certain things he has said that have always made me feel like he's had a real love/hate relationship with women in general.
- I just got a credit card bill that shows him spending over 200$ at a store that sells those sorts of things- not just a sex shop but a BDSM shop.
- The date of this purchase was a Friday night in our state. He arrives in our state Friday and stays through Sunday so these purchases weren't for him to use with OW. All signs pointing to him "cheating" on OW
- The last night we were together sexually he was pretty vulgar and rough and promptly "dumped" me the next day.
- When OW's mom called she said that WH was a "serial cheater," I think that he actually told OW that he's cheated on me before.
- The STD tests that I found were months before his supposed first fling.

So, he is a serial cheater and into things sexually I'll never be into.

Really seeing that this divorce is for the best.
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