Here�s my background. I found this site a couple of months ago and wish I had found it a year ago. I see all my mistakes now but can�t change them. We have been married for 30 years. Two girls, 26 and 23. My first marriage and his third. I discovered that my husband was having an affair July 2013. I asked him to move out, which he did for a month. He told me he ended it with her. We had been seeing a counselor for a month before I found out. He had been treating me horrible and I felt like our marriage was close to divorce. He agreed to counseling. I never suspected an affair. I just thought he was unhappy and pushing me away. I had changed jobs in January of that year and it was consuming my time.

He was contacted by an old girlfriend from high school on facebook in January. She lives out of town but was coming in town once a month. In March they met for the first time. When I first found out, he told me they were just friends. Friends that talked 2 hours and text 50-100 times a day? He then told me that they had only met once. As the months went on I kept hearing more and each time he told me it was the whole truth. That first month that he was gone, I thought we had fallen back in love again. We went on dates, I slept over, we stayed up all night talking about things I never knew about him. It was great.

My problem is that every time new information would come up, I would be devastated. Crushed again. I felt like we were always living in a lie. Then in February of this year, he gave me access to his work email. I found several old emails between them. I�m sure he thought he had deleted them all. They had started using his work email the day after I found out. What bothered me the most was that I thought we had fallen in love again at that time. The things that he was saying to me and then to her killed me. I believed him again. He did have emails in there that ended the affair so I do believe it is over now. He ended it in September/October last year.
I know even now he hasn�t told me the whole truth and I wonder if there was anyone else. I just can't move on. We just had another discussion about telling me the whole truth (a few weeks ago) and he just told me that he would tell me everything tonight. But at this point, I am so hurt about the continued lies that I don�t know if I will believe anything he tells me. When is it the truth?
I also want to know at this point do I disclose to anyone new since it has been over for almost a year now. I do have some family and friends that I have talked to about it but not my kids.

Welcome to Marriage Builders, HTB. I am sorry for the horribly painful situation that brought you here, but know that you have landed in the EXACT right place to follow the plan that works for surviving affairs.

First step, go to the first thread in this column, "Surviving an Affair - Start Here First". Read everything there. Then, come back here and you will get the guidance you need.

You should get all the major questions answered in one go. I would tell him that you have booked a polygraph in a few days and you expect him to pass. With the polygraph looming, hand him your questions and say you want them all answered in full so you can both put this behind you.

It's common for the truth to change all the way up to the polygaph. We call this 'trickle truth' around here and I can see you have had ENOUGH of that. So keep the timescale short - two days between the q's and the poly.

See trusting is not something you can decide to DO. It is an involuntary reaction like laughter. When something is funny - you laugh. When you experience someone behaving in a trustworthy way - you trust.

You know how to trust, just like you know how to laugh - but things haven't been quite so funny lately.

The MB program insists your H provide you with trustworthy conditions. MB does not naively insist that you 'trust' with nothing to trust in. Something that sadly, many amateur counsellors advise.

So you distrust him - that just shows you have been paying attention!

If his behaviour changes back to trustworthy, then your reactions will change.

The MB program requires a list of conditions be checked off; it's designed to build trust. I'll get the list for you.

Here is a checklist for how affairs should end. From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

"The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives."


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.


Exposure is the most important step - it is the first step.

You still expose if the A has been dead for 20 years!

You need to expose (and I would do this task first) to your friends and family, to his friends and family, all children over the age of 4 and the OW's spouse if they have one.

Kids and the other spouse are most important. The other spouse because they have been going through the same horrible treatment and 'I want a divorce' that you got. The kids are so very important. In some ways they have been more betrayed and are more in need of protection than you are - you need to tell them the whole truth.

They should be encouraged to share their feelings with their father in full and he should receive no warning that you are about to expose. Don't mention it at all, let others do it.

Read this carefully and make sure you expose to everyone in one day. People should be encouraged to support you and to call your H and urge him to work on the marriage.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2566583

He has made some changes. He is at a new job and I have the email passcodes. He has changed his phone number. We have been reading the MB basic concepts. He even purchased the book His Needs Her Needs right after that. He wants to make our marriage better but just doesn't want to tell me what happended. He say it will hurt me too much. The lying is hurting me.

Everytime we have talked, I have given him a list of questions and told him that I need them all answered in one sitting. I want to know and then move on. But everytime we have talked, I know there are things he is still lying about. He usually tells me about something I had already questioned several times.

Requirements for Recovery from an Affair


Dear Dr. Harley,

I discovered my husband's affair in May. He was very repentant, ended it and has been working very hard on our marriage ever since. I was not familiar with Marriage Builders at the time and I just followed my instincts. I suppose we are in recovery.

But our communication skills are almost non-existent. We only talk about things that are "safe." My husband’s idea of dealing with his affair is to put it behind us. I need to talk about it to heal. I am still having nightmares and sleeping little. I know nothing about this woman, including her name. He has refused to give me the information because he feels it is over so what difference would it make now. He has agreed to counseling but has been dragging his feet.

Our communication skills are so poor that I can't even bring up his affair for fear of "rocking the boat." He will not read any books or discuss the reasons for his affair with me. I am terrified it will happen again.

We went for a few counseling sessions over a year ago (before affair, communication issues) and it was a disaster. It was so much psycho-babble that neither of us could stand it. Where should we go from here?

Please advise.

K. R.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear K. R.,

The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

Your nightmares are only the tip of the iceberg. They are but a small reflection of the suffering you experienced when you discovered your husband's affair, and the fear you have that the suffering will be repeated. You have no assurance that the affair is over because you don't even know who the other woman is. You are being asked to trust your husband, who has already proven to be untrustworthy. For all you know, he could be working with her, or you could be going to the same church, or she could be
your neighbor. And since he won't discuss the details of how the affair took place, you have no assurance that another affair will not take its place.

Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details.

Best wishes,

Willard F. Harley, Jr.

He's ashamed and doesn't want to face the consequences of you knowing. He won't tell you without the screws being tightened. He wants to 'sweep it under the rug' as Dr H says in his letter.

Exposure will change that, because it forces him to face the shame before everyone in one big nuke. He will also have all eyes on him as to how hard is he trying to make it up to you. This puts a stop to the rug sweeping.

In this atmosphere you set up the polygraph. Tell him you expect him to pass if he expects you to stay. This is no time to pussyfoot around here. He put you through hell and you have standards and requirements for staying. Lying due to shamefacedness is unacceptable.

Most importantly this approach prevents you becoming a nag. Badgering him withdraws love units for you and for him. Get it done swiftly and effectively instead.

We will talk tonight and hopefully this will be the last time we talk aobut it. I also have kept a journal since December about my feeling and how things were going with us. The counselor suggested it. What do you think about me printing it out for him to read afterwards. I will also print out my questions again for him.I really just want him to tell me what happended without me having to ask questions but I will have them just in case.

Where do I find someone to do a polygragh

Here Polygraph Testing

Thanks

How about exposure? Do you understand how to do it and are you prepared to expose in full?




Your counsellor sounds a bit like clueless and like they are playing at this.


A specific plan for him to step up is what's needed here. A journal about how you feel suggests the issues to be repaired are with you and that the problem is how you feel - it's not.

Yes I will expose when my daughter comes back from vacation next week. I will do it all at the same time. I want to talk to them together.

Sounds good.

I'd encourage you to read Dr H's warnings of poor counsellors. You haven't given me a lot of info but the journal idea sounds like typical talking shop nonsense that never really moves forward. In MB you get all the air cleaned out right at the start then you never mention the A again. You make the present romantic and happy and leave the past behind.

He says in the following article "counsellors who sit and listen to couples' complaints are to be avoided at all costs"

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7100_counselor.html

Maybe I've misunderstood and the journal was to stress what you need; but it sounds like he was only required to read, not do. That makes me suspect a counsellor who is just gathering complaints.

Anyway I found this:



Have a listen just in case it applies to you.

We stopped going to the counselor in December. We didn't get much out of it except that I could air my feelings. And yes we talked about it too much. I really like the idea of talking once and then moving on.

He won't agree to the polygraph. He says he has heard too much about them not being true and not even being used in court anymore. Should I just believe this time?

I wouldn't. Polygraphs are really very accurate and it would serve to give you peace of mind. He should surely want that..

He says he won't. Do I ask him to leave if he doesn't? He says he will do anything with the MB site because he has really gotten a lot out of it but I don't want him to get into the forum area and read my posts yet. I am afraid he will be turned of by the site if he thinks this idea is coming from here

I would give him a proposal. Tell him if he will do these certain things, you will feel satisfied enough to drop the issue and move on. But if he won't, then you are going to be stuck and are going to have to reconsider your marriage with him. You very much need to take a firm stance on this because it will ruin your marriage if you don't. Your resedntment and anger will grow until you literally hate him. And then your marriage will be over. I don't think he wants that to happen.

Go to him with his proposal:

1. answer all of my questions openly and honestly - start by telling me the story of the affair and I will follow up with questions

2. after this session, agree to take a polygraph to validate your answers

This will clear his good name and give you the peace of mind you need to move forward. You have to agree to drop the affair forever if he does all the above to your satisfaction.

Yes, I would tell your kids. But...get the full truth first.

Is the OWhoe married? If so, does her spouse know all about the affair?