I hear what you are saying. She knows what I mean by Rhythm
What I am saying is that it doesn't matter if she knows what you mean; it is disrespectful. She probably won't be willing to hear your complaints until you learn to recognize and filter the value judgments out of what you are saying.
Did you hear what I was saying about listening to the radio show daily?
She has ADD and will binge on almost everything she does.
Dr. Harley feels he pretty likely has ADD as well.
Thank you SO much because this is exactly the clarity I needed. I do struggle to communicate in a way that is clear. Sometimes I nail it and other times, you get this.
It's not a matter of clarity and logic. It's a matter of emotion. Any hint of disrespect in your communication to her will cause an emotional reaction - it's a love buster!
I have read that Opposition Defiance Disorder goes hand in hand many times with ADD.
I would imagine that any wife who is not in love with her husband will be quite oppositional. Mine certainly was!! But Dr. Harley talks about this issue in a much less disrespectful way in his article on the three states of mind in marriage, which I recommend you read and re-read.
Actually pulling out names of disorders when you talk about your spouse is what we mean when we saying "diagnosing." You might call it something different, but it's disrespectful. Any time you start digging into explaining why your spouse feels the way they do you are probably doing this. It takes your wife's feelings at less than face value and discounts them. Instead of talking as if she is right to feel bothered by you, you look for possible causes to attribute her feelings to.
What you want is a marriage where when one of you feels bothered, the other takes it very seriously and changes. You're probably going to need to go first by taking your wife's feelings very seriously.
It's not rocket science: you were disrespectful, and it bothered your wife.
MOST women would feel this way. The way your wife is feeling is very normal, and you're going to need to come to terms with that and be ultra-rigorous in learning to recognize and filter the value judgments in your speech. Like any other husband who wants to have a good marriage.
It's very hard to negotiate when you know that no matter what you say it's going to be met with resistance.
This is another example of a disrespectful comment about your wife. The fact is that the reasons for your wife's feelings and her resistance are very vague and unclear TO YOU, but that is only because you don't yet understand. Your wife is not just being disagreeable; she is reacting in a typical and predictable way to disrespect from her husband. After you've built up a long-term track record of never being disrespectful toward her, there is a good chance she will change.
Plus, you need to be looking for win-win solutions. Any solution she resists is a loss for her, so you need to remove it from the list of possible solutions. Again, her feelings toward you will change after you have built up a long-term track record of always looking for the best for her.
And to the kind person who said I need to be the man of her dreams first, at this point, that would require for me to permanently play the role of the giver and her the taker.
No, the Giver and Taker are instincts that every person has. You need to make sure that every action you take satisfies your Giver and Taker AND her Giver and Taker. You can and should be the man of her dreams without sacrificing.
This is how it goes. I have been begging for negotiated agreements like this for decades.
How long have you been married?
BTW, it's best to stick to one thread so we can see your whole marital situation at a glance and give better advice. And the "Other Topics" section usually doesn't get as much traffic and help as "Marriage Builders 101" or "Surviving an Affair."
Even willing to go far beyond meeting her half way, but it seems that even the tiniest bit of give on her part was not acceptable.
Do not look for solutions that require her to sacrifice. Only win-win.
