I don't think OMW has filed anything yet. I don't think that OM even knows that she has an attorney. I'm meeting with mine tomorrow and likely meeting with her attorney at some point tomorrow as well (they work at the same firm). I will let y'all know what the results are.

Thanks for the support everyone, I really appreciate it!! I think tomorrow will be a lot better, the truth getting out always makes things better, even if it's painful initially.

Gotcha. I do recall you posting that before. Good luck!!!


It sucks but it will be a huge relief to get the exposure over with.

Rusty: Don't be surprised if, after exposure, the waywards believe in "it's us against the world" scenario. Just be prepared and hold your ground. Good Luck.

I have a webpage of the various items, such as texts, evidence of secret phone lines on iPhones, receipts, etc. I've omitted one or two particularly personal details � such as the one about the physical evidence � but will provide it to the disbelievers.

Thank you for the support. I know I'm doing the right thing with the exposure in general, I'm still a little hesitant about the job exposure. But I'm only telling their boss and the HR person, in hopes that they will handle it discreetly and not fully ruin their careers. But if that happens, it was ultimately their decision to get involved in such a stupid game and i won't accept blame for it.

I would advise you NOT to ONLY tell the boss and HR person. If only a few know, then it becomes easy to sweep under the rug or ignore.
If you are going to do the work exposure, it must hit the target as well. You must get it to several important folks (vice presidents, HR managers, HR directors, HR vice presidents, Chief Counsel, etc)

They are both pretty high-level so their boss is the head of the organization. I don't know that they have a chief counsel. And I don't think I'd mind if it was "swept under the rug" if the affair ended and they were separated -- I don't want their careers to be ruined, just that they not work together.

Here's the email I'm planning on sending:


I'm still refining it, and debating whether to expressly state that if we to reconcile, the affair must end, like I do in my emails to friends and family.

I write to alert you to the fact that WW and OM are carrying on an sexual affair and have been for some time. I am not sure whether the affair predated WW's promotion to <fancy title> and what role OM had in that decision. I do know that on their recent <Organization-paid> trip to <city> for the <Organization's> conference, they shared a hotel room and evidence of "opportunity and inclination" was discovered by a hired private investigator hired by OM's wife. I have amassed additional evidence of the affair, going back as far as March of this year as well (and maybe earlier).

I understand that this likely presents a very difficult and sensitive situation for <Org> and I am sorry to be the messenger of the unpleasant news. Company resources and business trips have been used to carry on their affair. I realize that both WW and OM have worked very hard to get where they are today and are both excellent <workers> and leaders, but for this serious lapse in judgment. I trust that you will handle this situation in an appropriate manner and have attached documentation.
______________________________________________________

Don't soften the blow by mentioning how hard they have worked. It is irrelevant.

I am certainly not an expert in language/content for such a letter, but it comes across as weak.

Do you realize that if you want to reconcile this marriage, your wife MUST leave that job!! It is a requirement!!!
They can't continue to work together, she can't be at the same office or company.
You and her will be forever triggered and be crippled in your marriage.

So back to the point, ruining their careers is not your fault.
They chose to ruin their own careers by carrying on like a couple teenagers.

Part of exposing is getting the wayward to feel and realize the consequences of their own actions. By trying to cushion the consequences you are enabling.

NebDane, I agree with your points, except that I don't care which one of them leaves (i.e. if he leaves the job and she stays, I'm fine with that). I was thinking of adding something to that extent at the end. I also know that their company is very strict and risk-averse and will want to act on this.

But I see your point about enabling. I have told her several times (and she told me) that it would be really stupid to have an affair with her boss. I guess she was too "in love" to follow her own advice.

I agree that whole part about how great of employees they are makes it seem like you are trying to talk them out of taking action, which completely defeats the goal of exposing in the first place!

I would not add anything about which one leaves.
Your wife needs to leave.
She will be triggered by seeing his office, or going to the same event where they were at last year, or seeing his parking spot, or any other thing.
You will be triggered everytime she goes to work at the same place wondering if she is thinking of him, etc.

Read up on Triggers, they are powerful and will haunt you and her if you don't take EP.

My concern is if she leaves, she may have a hard time finding a job in this area, and she would have to move (if she still wants to divorce, which she may very well want) and then either I have to move or the child custody issue becomes very complicated.

I do see the point about triggers, but their company has many offices and they usually didn't see each other at work, it was mostly afterwork dinners and meetings. But I see the point and will read up on triggers.

Thank you all for the advice. I've firmed up the letter.

Add to the letter: Mrs. OMW is aware of the ongoing affair between my wife and her husband.

That way they know OMW knows. If any of these people have met OMW they may have to look her in the face at some point or may worry about her contacting them or talking to other employees or "corporate wives" as well if they don't do anything. Don't leave wiggle room.

Rusty

Whether you want to remain married or not it is best you assert you want try to protect your family, your young children from this affair. It's OK to put one foot in front of the other and at least act and take action to protect the marriage and later assert you do not care go salvage. Allow yourself the choice anyway and assert today to protect both your marriage and family. You don't want you WE to bring this guy around your children. They have abused their roles and authority. They can't be trusted in the organization. They cannot be trusted together with your children. Close the loop.

Rusty, you are going into "what if" territory. There is no crystal ball. Deal with the here and now vs making up possible scenarios that may never happen.

Also, what would be a catchy title for the email to the boss? "Misconduct between WW and OM"?

You are shielding your wife from the consequences of the affair. Moving, finding a new job, custody issues, all will be due to HER actions of the affair. Yes they are real, difficult, crappy, painful. These are the things she MUST realize, DO NOT ENABLE.

All true. But some of it (custody) makes my life more difficult if I have to move to see the kids! Or maybe not -- I may propose a fresh start to her when I confront her tonight.

It is often very difficult for a parent to pick up and move when there are children of the marriage. The courts very much frown upon it unless the other parent is an absentee parent.

How about just straight out "OM and WW's Workplace Affair"

I'd avoid bland (legal) words. Get straight to the meat of it.