Current situation: I am David, 35yr old male married for 12yr and was caught going on to sites that connect people that want one night stands and was email pics of myself to them and receiving them. I used explicit language to those women as well. I never met with any of these women and don't think and hope I would have never carried it that far. If anyone reading this has ever thought of doing this please don't and talk to anyone of the same sex to help you. If this helps I would like to say that those sites have fake profiles to create income. My wife looked through my phone and we fought and she kicked me out of our house. We have two kids. My son is 4 and daughter is 3 next month. I am now staying at my parents house trying to figure out how to fix this for good.
I can see that our really bad arguements about me not paying attention or forgetting something or being selfish can trigger my desire of searching for acceptance in the internet.
How do I kill the old me and be who I want to be? Which is a Godly husband and dad who is loving, thoughtful, a leader who is mentally present. I want my wife to see me as a man after God's own heart, romancer, a leader and an initiator.

My history: I have had an internet sex addiction on and off again. This is the 4th time I have been caught and have had some success with change but always fall eventually.

My known weaknesses: I forget things all the time that my wife tells me and others tell me. I don't lead our family in God, life, or romance. My wife plans initiates everything and takes care of the kids and me. I don't have any friends I do anything with. My fire for God is only a flicker. I feel awkward when it comes to conversations, friendships and this has been a majority of my life. I feel almost fearful or lazy of relating to anyone, even at times with family. When my wife and I have a bad argument I have this desire of searching for connections through the internet, but not every time.
This detail may or may not have anything to do with my actions but want to put it all out there. I am the youngest of 3 boys and when I was 5yr old my 9yr old brother was diagnosed with brain cancer and dies when he was 17yr old. He was my brother and best friend. I was 13yr old when he died and soon started using drugs and when I met my wife a 6yrs later we stopped drugs together. We dedicated our lives to God dated and got married and now have kids.

My known strengths: I am determined when I have a passion for something. I work as a nurse which are 12-13 long hour days and work 4-5 days a week so she can stay home with kids. I do very well at work and viewed highly by peers, but when I am home I feel inexperienced on what to do. I love and interact with the kids when I am home and do with my wife as well. I remember little details about someone or something. I have a good intuition when it comes to people.

Hi David, welcome to Marriage Builders. Her issue is certainly that she doesn't believe you are being honest when you use verbiage liked you used above. Most internet cheaters who are trolling for action say such things [unless they are caught red handed] like "I would have never followed through" and it is not credible in the least. Obviously you werent trolling for hoes on a "one night stand" site for no reason. You were looking to hook up. Your wife probably isn't stupid and knows this is not true.

So, the first thing is to tell her the truth and stop insulting her intelligence. Second thing is to volunteer to take a polygraph and an STD panel. She needs be protected from STDs if you are trolling for hoes on the internet.

After all the truth is out, I would go to her with a plan that completely protects her in the future. In that plan you would want to promise to never go on the internet again. Give up your smart phone and get a dumb phone. Here is the extraordinary precautions checklist that is in Surviving an Affair.

In short, she shouldn't even consider taking you back until you stop trolling for hoes and make your life so transparent that it would be IMPOSSIBLE to do it again:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Will your wife come here so we can speak to her?

Welcome to MB, David. I am sorry to hear of these events in your marriage.

The most important precaution you can take against ever hooking up again with strangers on the Internet is to not have any Internet access. You need to give up your smartphone, and give up all access to the Internet at home. If your wife uses a PC, you need to ensure that you have no account on it.

If you need to use the Internet at work you need to ask that this be monitored. Your wife will need evidence that this is being done, otherwise she should not consider reuniting with you. And incidentally, working 12-13-hour days 4-5 days a week will be disaster for your marriage. There cannot be any time left for you to have a marriage if you work like that.

In solving the problem of your ""addiction", it doesn't really matter what your strengths are, or how good a father you are. They don't negate the harm you have done to your wife and kids. They might be factors that your wife takes into account if you go to her with a plan to first, cut yourself off from all Internet access at home, and only supervised access at work, and second, to rebuild your marriage, focusing on extraordinary care and protection, integration, transparency and accountability.

Thank you for your truth and honesty. That is exactly what I needed to hear even though it stung a bit. I will take that advice and will repost when it is complete.

Thank you for your truth and honesty. That is exactly what I needed to hear even though it stung a bit. As far as my wife coming on here to speak that is going to take some time. I started my destruction about 2 weeks ago and we found out my wife is pregnant about 5 days ago. I wanted to stop and was trying to stop, but not good enough. Then was busted this past Thursday. She has not wanted to talk to me, but did talk to me via text today. This is one of the text:
"You know this is over. I need u to stop. I have a big decision to make on Thursday and I so [censored] ANGRY AND DEVASTATED. The kids are fine. Unless u hear from me about them i need u to leave me alone. "
The Thursday she is referring to is the first OBGYN visit. I am glad that I am talking to someone about this. I am trying to give all the embarrassing and horrifying details to see if I can fix this. I am not diluted in thinking this will be easy to fix or that I deserve a chance. I have truly destroyed my wife, my family, and myself.

I see that you have access to the internet at your parents house. Do your parents know everything you have told us here?


You refused to stop. And your wife was correct in asking you to leave. She shouldn't even consider taking you back until you make a decision to STOP and actually demonstrate good behavior over a long period of time.

But that will never happen as long as you have access to a computer at your parents house.

Yes, they do know. I have stopped searching for hookups or anything related to that. The only search I am doing now is how to fix this. I have my smartphone that I am using which I will be getting rid of. You did bring up a good point about having access to a computer here because I do. I haven't used it but do want to create that transparency. Should I have them put a password or something on it? Thank you again for your help.

You are still on the computer, though. So you have every opportunity to continue to troll for hook ups.


You are still on the computer! No precautions are in place.


I would tell go tell your parents right now that you cannot be on the computer alone EVER. You should never be on the computer unless your mom or dad is sitting right there. The computer should be password protected at all times.

Do you have access to a computer anywhere else?

Really?

You started your destruction just TWO weeks ago. No, I do not believe that, and I'm sure you're wife doesn't either. You don't start to troll the internet for sexual purposes and two weeks later get busted for trying to have ONS hookups.

The very first thing you need to do if you want to repair this is come clean.

When are you planning to come totally clean and schedule a poly for yourself to prove it?

Do your family, friends and coworkers know why your wife has kicked you out?

I had the same reaction.

Yes, I have access to internet at work but it is monitored and filtered. I am looking for replacement phone with no internet. As far as talking to my parents I will do that tonight. I'm currently working. Thank you again for your input.

My history: I have had an internet sex addiction on and off again. This is the 4th time I have been caught and have had some success with change but always fall eventually.


According to your history you did not start your destruction 2 weeks ago.

Cancel the internet phone in the meantime. It'll help you look faster.

This question needs to be answered. If I was your wife this would be my number one requirement, without it she would be foolish to take you back.

This is my current update. I truly appreciate everyone's input. I have ordered my new phone, surviving an affair book(I bought his needs, her needs at bookstore, surging an affair wasn't available), have all computers here have passwords I don't have, and will schedule appt for polygraph. Please also keep in mind that I am here for help for legitimate change and giving honest details to get that help. I am here for advice, accountability, and opinions on what to do. I like the forum because it allows me to be honest. Making Un-constructive comments or side comments on what you believe about me is very discouraging in continuing using this forum. If you truly want to help then filter out the un-constructive comments. Thank you

David I'm glad to see the good progress, but I would caution you against lecturing other posters how to post. If you don't like what someone is saying, just click ignore! Usually the people who bug you the most are the ones who are telling you something you really need to hear. If you will rise to the occasion and overcome every objection about you that is offered, your wife will probably find you irresistible. The people posting to you usually know a lot more about how to save a marriage than you do.

So in short, you can filter out the comments you think are unconstructive, so I suggest you silently do so. That will enable people to be more focused on giving you help.

Are you listening to the Marriage Builders Radio show daily?

We are willing to help you, but I would suggest you are not the best judge of what is or isn't constructive. Hopefully you will keep an open mind, because that is desperately needed at this point. You are the LEAST objective person on this thread.