Current situation: I am David, 35yr old male married for 12yr and was caught going on to sites that connect people that want one night stands and was email pics of myself to them and receiving them. I used explicit language to those women as well. I never met with any of these women and don't think and hope I would have never carried it that far. If anyone reading this has ever thought of doing this please don't and talk to anyone of the same sex to help you. If this helps I would like to say that those sites have fake profiles to create income. My wife looked through my phone and we fought and she kicked me out of our house. We have two kids. My son is 4 and daughter is 3 next month. I am now staying at my parents house trying to figure out how to fix this for good.
I can see that our really bad arguements about me not paying attention or forgetting something or being selfish can trigger my desire of searching for acceptance in the internet.
How do I kill the old me and be who I want to be? Which is a Godly husband and dad who is loving, thoughtful, a leader who is mentally present. I want my wife to see me as a man after God's own heart, romancer, a leader and an initiator.

My history: I have had an internet sex addiction on and off again. This is the 4th time I have been caught and have had some success with change but always fall eventually.

My known weaknesses: I forget things all the time that my wife tells me and others tell me. I don't lead our family in God, life, or romance. My wife plans initiates everything and takes care of the kids and me. I don't have any friends I do anything with. My fire for God is only a flicker. I feel awkward when it comes to conversations, friendships and this has been a majority of my life. I feel almost fearful or lazy of relating to anyone, even at times with family. When my wife and I have a bad argument I have this desire of searching for connections through the internet, but not every time.
This detail may or may not have anything to do with my actions but want to put it all out there. I am the youngest of 3 boys and when I was 5yr old my 9yr old brother was diagnosed with brain cancer and dies when he was 17yr old. He was my brother and best friend. I was 13yr old when he died and soon started using drugs and when I met my wife a 6yrs later we stopped drugs together. We dedicated our lives to God dated and got married and now have kids.

My known strengths: I am determined when I have a passion for something. I work as a nurse which are 12-13 long hour days and work 4-5 days a week so she can stay home with kids. I do very well at work and viewed highly by peers, but when I am home I feel inexperienced on what to do. I love and interact with the kids when I am home and do with my wife as well. I remember little details about someone or something. I have a good intuition when it comes to people.

Hi David, welcome to Marriage Builders. Her issue is certainly that she doesn't believe you are being honest when you use verbiage liked you used above. Most internet cheaters who are trolling for action say such things [unless they are caught red handed] like "I would have never followed through" and it is not credible in the least. Obviously you werent trolling for hoes on a "one night stand" site for no reason. You were looking to hook up. Your wife probably isn't stupid and knows this is not true.

So, the first thing is to tell her the truth and stop insulting her intelligence. Second thing is to volunteer to take a polygraph and an STD panel. She needs be protected from STDs if you are trolling for hoes on the internet.

After all the truth is out, I would go to her with a plan that completely protects her in the future. In that plan you would want to promise to never go on the internet again. Give up your smart phone and get a dumb phone. Here is the extraordinary precautions checklist that is in Surviving an Affair.

In short, she shouldn't even consider taking you back until you stop trolling for hoes and make your life so transparent that it would be IMPOSSIBLE to do it again:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Will your wife come here so we can speak to her?

Welcome to MB, David. I am sorry to hear of these events in your marriage.

The most important precaution you can take against ever hooking up again with strangers on the Internet is to not have any Internet access. You need to give up your smartphone, and give up all access to the Internet at home. If your wife uses a PC, you need to ensure that you have no account on it.

If you need to use the Internet at work you need to ask that this be monitored. Your wife will need evidence that this is being done, otherwise she should not consider reuniting with you. And incidentally, working 12-13-hour days 4-5 days a week will be disaster for your marriage. There cannot be any time left for you to have a marriage if you work like that.

In solving the problem of your ""addiction", it doesn't really matter what your strengths are, or how good a father you are. They don't negate the harm you have done to your wife and kids. They might be factors that your wife takes into account if you go to her with a plan to first, cut yourself off from all Internet access at home, and only supervised access at work, and second, to rebuild your marriage, focusing on extraordinary care and protection, integration, transparency and accountability.

Thank you for your truth and honesty. That is exactly what I needed to hear even though it stung a bit. I will take that advice and will repost when it is complete.

Thank you for your truth and honesty. That is exactly what I needed to hear even though it stung a bit. As far as my wife coming on here to speak that is going to take some time. I started my destruction about 2 weeks ago and we found out my wife is pregnant about 5 days ago. I wanted to stop and was trying to stop, but not good enough. Then was busted this past Thursday. She has not wanted to talk to me, but did talk to me via text today. This is one of the text:
"You know this is over. I need u to stop. I have a big decision to make on Thursday and I so [censored] ANGRY AND DEVASTATED. The kids are fine. Unless u hear from me about them i need u to leave me alone. "
The Thursday she is referring to is the first OBGYN visit. I am glad that I am talking to someone about this. I am trying to give all the embarrassing and horrifying details to see if I can fix this. I am not diluted in thinking this will be easy to fix or that I deserve a chance. I have truly destroyed my wife, my family, and myself.

I see that you have access to the internet at your parents house. Do your parents know everything you have told us here?


You refused to stop. And your wife was correct in asking you to leave. She shouldn't even consider taking you back until you make a decision to STOP and actually demonstrate good behavior over a long period of time.

But that will never happen as long as you have access to a computer at your parents house.

Yes, they do know. I have stopped searching for hookups or anything related to that. The only search I am doing now is how to fix this. I have my smartphone that I am using which I will be getting rid of. You did bring up a good point about having access to a computer here because I do. I haven't used it but do want to create that transparency. Should I have them put a password or something on it? Thank you again for your help.

You are still on the computer, though. So you have every opportunity to continue to troll for hook ups.


You are still on the computer! No precautions are in place.


I would tell go tell your parents right now that you cannot be on the computer alone EVER. You should never be on the computer unless your mom or dad is sitting right there. The computer should be password protected at all times.

Do you have access to a computer anywhere else?

Really?

You started your destruction just TWO weeks ago. No, I do not believe that, and I'm sure you're wife doesn't either. You don't start to troll the internet for sexual purposes and two weeks later get busted for trying to have ONS hookups.

The very first thing you need to do if you want to repair this is come clean.

When are you planning to come totally clean and schedule a poly for yourself to prove it?

Do your family, friends and coworkers know why your wife has kicked you out?

I had the same reaction.

Yes, I have access to internet at work but it is monitored and filtered. I am looking for replacement phone with no internet. As far as talking to my parents I will do that tonight. I'm currently working. Thank you again for your input.

My history: I have had an internet sex addiction on and off again. This is the 4th time I have been caught and have had some success with change but always fall eventually.


According to your history you did not start your destruction 2 weeks ago.

Cancel the internet phone in the meantime. It'll help you look faster.

This question needs to be answered. If I was your wife this would be my number one requirement, without it she would be foolish to take you back.

This is my current update. I truly appreciate everyone's input. I have ordered my new phone, surviving an affair book(I bought his needs, her needs at bookstore, surging an affair wasn't available), have all computers here have passwords I don't have, and will schedule appt for polygraph. Please also keep in mind that I am here for help for legitimate change and giving honest details to get that help. I am here for advice, accountability, and opinions on what to do. I like the forum because it allows me to be honest. Making Un-constructive comments or side comments on what you believe about me is very discouraging in continuing using this forum. If you truly want to help then filter out the un-constructive comments. Thank you

David I'm glad to see the good progress, but I would caution you against lecturing other posters how to post. If you don't like what someone is saying, just click ignore! Usually the people who bug you the most are the ones who are telling you something you really need to hear. If you will rise to the occasion and overcome every objection about you that is offered, your wife will probably find you irresistible. The people posting to you usually know a lot more about how to save a marriage than you do.

So in short, you can filter out the comments you think are unconstructive, so I suggest you silently do so. That will enable people to be more focused on giving you help.

Are you listening to the Marriage Builders Radio show daily?

We are willing to help you, but I would suggest you are not the best judge of what is or isn't constructive. Hopefully you will keep an open mind, because that is desperately needed at this point. You are the LEAST objective person on this thread.

We frequently get guys and gals here who would be totally DANGEROUS for their spouse to try to recover a marriage with. And if we think that about somebody, there's a good chance we're right. And if you listen to the suggestions that are made, there's a good chance that you can CHANGE the kind of person you are so that you will be a husband who is a wonderful presence in your wife's life.

There's a giant red flag to me in the way you minimized your destructive acts, by saying that your destruction "started two weeks ago" when really this has been going on for a long time. Husbands who verbally minimize the damage their behavior is doing like that are usually not very good for their wives. I'm not going to be shy about saying so, and I suggest you not talk like that and focus on being more aggressively honest with us, yourself, and your wife. If that makes me annoying or discouraging or whatever, so be it.

As for being discouraged, hey, it's your marriage - if you don't want to use the resources that can help you, it's your choice. It seems to me it'd be a lot easier to just click "ignore" and focus on the constructive things you need to be doing. How badly do you want to recover your marriage? I'd suggest you focus on that rather than trying to straighten everybody else out. Get that beam out of your eye, and then look around at the motes in everybody else's eyes.

Where is the ignore button?

What has been unconstructive? You seem to have heeded everyone's advice here.

DavidInRemorse,

Does you BW feel you treat people outside the family better than you treat her?

Whatever you do, do not blame anyone other than yourself or any event in your past. Do not minimize.

God Bless
Gamma

Why are you asking about this when you need all the advice that is being offered here?

I thought you were here for help to change your behaviour. Is finding the "ignore" button your priority?

Clarification: for my bachelor party I decided to not do the strip club thing and insisted on doing so with my guy friends and after several drinks my guy friends convinced me otherwise, but it was my fault for letting them. After that night it changed me by the way I see myself. It really damaged me and my bride to be. Even though she forgave me I didn't forgive myself. my internet porn problem has been an on again off again over the course of our marriage. About 7 yrs ago it graduated to a online relationship that we never met, then the last 3 times was the trolling for hoes that I never met up with. Any comment in this was not minimize what I did if I am coming across that way. I wish more than anything that I relive that night differently. My wife is an amazing woman and want to change to be the husband she deserves and then some. I keep making the same making the same stupid mistakes and it is insanity that I am completely responsible. I am so tired of naming these mistakes and hurting my wife for being so selfish. Part of me thinks she really would be better off without me. I still feel that I should fight to beat this. I don't see my life without her worth anything.

I am perplexed by this David. I reread through your short thread and there has not been one single comment that seems harsh. Every post was made with information with which to try to help you. If you really want to change, you need to stop being so defensive and refocus your energy on the very large task at hand.

It is true that some of the most helpful posts are the ones that hit a sore spot. You may not see it at the time, but if you do truly change your way of thinking and living, you will in time see that those hard knocks were exactly what you needed.

Your wife would not come to speak on your thread, but rather start a thread of her own for support for her. This is an amazing place to get support after such devastating news.

Have you given her a link to the forum or suggested this site to her?

I sent her a link but she said she is not interested. My next agenda is to schedule the polygraph and a full std check to create transparency. I know I don't need an std check because I never took it to anything physical, but I know that is what needs to be done to create the transparency. All communication is over text with her and not sure what else to do or say at this point. What should I do next?

I would schedule a polygraph and tell her you want to get the full truth out there. Write her a complete narrative story about your affairs. Just get the full truth out there now, no more bs, no glossing, no more withholding, no excuse making about not wanting to "hurt her. " You have one chance to do a doc dump and come clean and then I predict you will never have another chance again. No matter how disgusting or how painful to her you think the truth will be, all the truth needs to come out.

Give her a chance to ask any question before the test. Then she can decide what questions she wants asked on the test.

David, buddy, I say this to you in all kindness ...

Knock it off.

You are not the one who is hurt and damaged by such behavior; your wife is. Being a drama queen about how much you damaged and degraded yourself is not going to help recover your marriage. It's not going to make her believe you or take you back. It's not going to make you attractive to her - it's going to make you completely unattractive to her.

She's the hurt one; she's the victim. Don't act like a victim, or a drama queen. Yes, you degraded yourself, but that pales in comparison to the offense that you caused your victim, your wife. When you go on about YOURSELF and how much you are supposedly hurting or injured, it shows a massive lack of empathy for the victim that you are hoping to reconcile with.

As I said, we call 'em like we see 'em, here - a wayward who is talking about how "hurt" he is by his disgraceful behavior or how he cannot "forgive himself" is pretty much always making an excuse to himself as to why he can't do something that his victim needs him to do.

So let's cut the excuse making and focus on doing the work. Take phrases like this out of your vocabulary.

No drama queen - you're a guy!

Invest a little bit of effort, and you can find it. Show some initiative!!

The important thing is not whether you "intend" to minimize or not. The important thing is to learn NOT to minimize.

Compare with this:
The important thing is not whether you intended to step on your wife's foot - the important thing is to learn to avoid stepping on her foot!

Some of what you are saying is still minimizing, and we'll gladly point that out for you so you can learn to avoid it!


I am sure that if you invest the effort needed to become a wonderful man for her, you will find that your life is a lot more wonderful than you expected! Generally speaking, the changes that a wife wants/needs from her husband are a good thing for him, too. (I know it was for me!!)

I should clue you in to the fact that I was quite the drama queen myself when I got here. But I had to drop all that, and you need to drop it, too.

It's not about your pain - it's about your victim's pain. YOU will stop hurting, and will be able to forgive yourself, when you have rendered compensation for the wrong you have done her, by becoming something far, far better for her.

Thanks MelodyLane for the response. I have looked into the polygraph services and the format of the test questions are worded by the examiner. They have categories of what you want to know the truth. I am trying to see if the doc dump can still be incorporated in that and to recall everything and all details that span over the past 12 1/2 yrs. An all detail and dates of occurrences may not be a probable answer because I do not remember all the dates of occurrences. I could guesstimate time frames or come up with the specifics of my indiscretions, such as "have you ever had physical intercourse with any else besides your wife or while you were dating?" My truthful answer is no. The questions need to be concisely worded better than what I have to not allow the mind to find a loop hole.

Markos I'm confused. You first said I wasn't taking on enough responsibility then I do and you call me a drama queen. I want to be held accountable and do see a lot of valid advice you have but I do not see how calling me a drama queen to be conducive or appropriate.

Thank you Markos for clarifying that you were in a similar boat I am in now. It definitely makes your comments more valuable, warranted, and palatable instead of just being a judgmental and immature. You may want to consider putting that out there at the end a very harsh comment for the first time, because there may be some that would have just said the heck with this site. Also, do you go to SAA? I have tried it before for a few months but stopped, which I am regretting.

You take on responsibility with actions, not words and definitely not with "I just can't forgive myself" comments. This is the drama that is being referred to, and it will be repulsive to your wife.

More actions, less words.

I'd suggest you stop being so quick to judge those who are posting to you.

Wild horses could not drag away a wayward who was serious about recovery, much less a few comments on an anonymous website.

Instead of bristling, listen to the comments you find the harshest. They are probably the ones you need to hear the most.

SAA? No, I was a drama queen, not a sex addict! I did go through a couple of anger management programs.

Something you might want to consider is that sexual appetite is not wrong until it is exercised in a way that hurts your spouse.

I did my work on my sexual nature years ago, before I was married. I learned to avert my eyes when I found that what I was looking at was sexually arousing, out of the belief that I wasn't entitled to receive that kind of pleasure until I was married, and then only from my spouse. It was a new habit I built - see something sexy, look away. That fixed most of the problems. It's kind of like what Dr. Harley describes as an "extraordinary precaution" to avoid an affair, only in this case what I made up my mind I wanted to avoid was indulging my sexuality as a single (and later indulging it with someone besides my wife).

The habit is still there today, fourteen years later.

This is the update: Markos u have a link to SAA in your posts that is why I asked u. I actually talked to my wife over the phone for about an hour which up to this point has all been text. I am not sure how to word this so this doesn't sound like it is all about me. I am trying to lay the facts out. The conversation went first with the why question. I told her that there is no excuse what I did but the why was so stupid and was based on emotions. So I told her the why was because we were not having sex after many attempts, but why would she? I have been lacking giving her the intimate conversation and making her feel valued. After looking at all of the areas my wife was not getting her needs met I can see she was at a much higher risk for an affair than I was, but she never did. She really is amazing. I got a little side tracked. The rest of the conversation was I told her that I have ordered a new phone, all computers here have passwords and going to set up a polygraph she said "I don't care what else u did. What I know is enough to kick u out. I'm not interested in making this work. We are done. " She told me about the kids and funny things they said and we actually laughed together. Something I thought was a small step for improvement, but then we got back on the subject of how she didn't want to make this work. It ended with I am watching the kids tomorrow while she goes to the dr. Appt for the ultrasound. She has told me she is not sure if she is going to keep it or not and is not allowed to go to any appts.
How do I act or say and how do I handle this? I want to know what to do next. Should I still do the polygraph? I feel like I should.
What do I need to do to show my actions are louder than my words that I want to change. SAA?

Yes, I'd go ahead and do the polygraph, and everything else. Stay the course.

Meanwhile, when she says she doesn't want to make the marriage work, try to just sound accepting. That is her choice to make, after all. Be friendly and fun to be around and be good for her - if you were her girlfriend right now you'd be supporting her as she deals with the pain her husband has caused her. Become the friend who will support her that way, and you will be on the right track to becoming irreplaceable in her life again.

The fact that she laughed is good - try to keep the conversation positive and enjoyable, every chance you get.

As for "why" - you were seeking your own pleasure, but you now realize what a big mistake that was, because it hurt her more than anything else could have possibly hurt her. Stick to that answer, and then try to move on to another subject.

Regardless of whether she wants to work on your marriage, or cares at all about what EP's you are following, you should do them anyway.

For one, if you don't, you will have completely and totally sealed the deal for yourself. She will never reengage, and if she came here we would advise her not to.

And the second reason is, is this the man you want to be? The lying, sneaking, cheating kind of man? The kind of man who trolls the internet for free porn and hookups with nasty ho's? Of course it is not. This is not the kind of man you want to be, so it is in YOUR best interest as well to change your own habits and make it near impossible for you to continue in this path.

Yes, continue with all of the things you have put into place, including the polygraph. Have a copy of the questions and results sent to her. Write out a detailed timeline of your adultery, and keep it for now. She may be totally disgusted with you and not want it now, but that could change in the future.

In addition to implementing EPs, you are also in Plan A. This means you are going to START meeting those needs for your wife that you say you have been failing on.

That is a link to Dr Harley's (and his daughter Dr Jennifer Chalmers) book Surviving an Affair. It even says that in markos's signature. It is nothing to do with sex addicts - as if someone would advertise that in their signature and say "come and join"!

I am suggesting two separate things. First off, you will need to have a doc dump and a question and answer session BEFORE the polygraph. I am not suggesting incorporating that into the pg because the pg only validates yes or no. It doesn't divulge details.

So you should divulge all the details BEFORE the test. THEN your wife will decide what she needs to know which will determine the actual polygraph questions.

Thanks MelodyLane, I will do the doc dump and the polygraph. My wife said she doesn't want to know more and says I am wasting my time with a polygraph she doesn't care. After it is done I will ask her if she wants the results or doc dump. If she has additional questions to have answered I have no problem doing a second polygraph. Actually, depending on how things go I may consider doing one every 3 months for a year or two. A poly is about $150-300 which is a good chunk of change but if it helps me to break the cycle from hurting my wife it is well worth it. I don't want to find myself in this position again.

Update: conversations with wife are getting better, but still keeps going back to my betrayal which is expected. The other topic is my continued problem with listening and remembering, which has been an ongoing problem. Does anyone have any recommendations for resources to help with this such as books, programs, etc?

Can you be more specific? I don't understand what you mean.

The best thing I know to help with remembering is writing stuff down. I carry unruled white notecards in my pocket and try to make notes and lists for myself. I'm sure the cool kids today have a more technical solution.

I have really noticed my memory declining this past year, and I expect it is only going to get worse.

As far as listening - read and practice the four friends of good conversation, and avoid the four enemies of good conversation. And address your wife's complaints by learning to avoid behaviors that bother her and adopt behaviors she likes. If you do that - she will feel listened to!

You can read about the friends and enemies of good conversation in the Conversation chapter of His Needs, Her Needs. In this case be sure you are reading the latest edition, the 2010 edition, because the material was expanded and is much more helpful compared to earlier editions, IMO. There is also an earlier version of the information about the friends and enemies of good conversation online in this Q&A column:

Conversation

Clarification: An example. My wife told me the plan for tomorrow; "I need you to take our son to school tomorrow so be here at 7:40-7:45am. I am going to have Scott pick me up for the toys for tots benefit meeting. Then Jaime and I are going to take the kids to chuckie cheese. Then at 3:15pm I have my OB appt.
What I remember is be here to take our son to school by 7:45am, she was having Scott pick her up at 9am and appt is at 3:15pm for OB. I completely forgot about chuckie cheese. Then she said she will allow me to go to OB with her even though she didn't want me to go and to pick her and the kids up from chuckie cheese then we will go to OB together. I get into the car and was going to chuckie cheese and started thinking maybe she said OB. I kinda panicked and called her to check and she got upset because I didn't listen. Do u know of any resources to sharpen my listening skills and memory?

Thank you Markos, I will do that. The his needs her needs should be the most recent version. I bought it at booksMillion

Start writing things down. CArry a little notepad in your pocket and take notes. I take notes on my ipad [which you shouldn't have] for this very reason. It is an invaluable tool.

However, just because she asks you do things does not mean you have to agree. Plans need to be made in a mutual way, not a unilateral way.

oops! I see Markos beat me to the punch!

In the meantime, read through that article I linked to. I suggest that men trying to win back their wives read through that article daily, and try to practice daily, until they get it and are good at it. The goal should be to have fifteen hours a week of good conversation with your wife. Which is interesting to try to do when your wife doesn't want you to, but it can eventually be done, if you are working on everything else!

Conversation

Update: I am plan A and trying to keep things pleasant with conversation, writing important things down, and earnest to help my wife with whatever she needs. Anytime she brings up how I betrayed her I acknowledge what I did and how much I hurt her was one of the worst things I could have done to her. She keeps saying that if her being pregnant didn't stop me then nothing would. I have ceased all trolling. She said that I don't act remorseful. I'm not sure how to act.

You are not in Plan A. Plan A is used to show the wayward that the spouse is a soft place to land; it is also for exposure. Rather, you are in the position of trying to win back your betrayed wife.

Are you and your W doing enjoyable things outside the house? Do you and your wife ride bicycles or hike or other such activities? How about going to the gym together?

Are you being completely transparent with your wife? All passwords shared? Have you eliminated all the conditions and means that led to your trolling for women?

Don't argue with your wife or respond in kind. Be open and honest with her, gentle and kind.

Once a BS has all the details of the affair (s), it should not be brought up again. However, since you are here and your wife isn't it, then you could say something like, "Honey, I'm so deeply sorry for the pain I caused. You didn't deserve that, and I'm going to spend the rest of my life making it up to you by becoming the kind of husband I should have been all along." Then gently change the subject.

Recovery with both spouses on board takes about two years. Can you get your wife to post here?

I should have read through your thread before responding to your post. So you are still living at your parents home. Your Internet-less phone is on order. The poly done yet? Did you tell your parents everything and ask them for their help in keeping you accountable?

You have received lots of great help from other posters. Institute the suggestions, then keep doing them. Be very cooperative with your wife and as helpful as she will allow. Don't fight or argue with her. Don't blame her for your bad decisions, even in your own mind.

If your wife is seeking child support or spousal support, pay it. Make sure she has everything she needs to live a decent life.

Read up on the MB Basic Concepts, read the articles on this website, listen to the radio show, and read some of the threads. In short, become the kind of husband you should have been all along. Do this even though you are living apart from your wife.

Thank you for your response. I got the new phone and need to activate it. I requested a call from one of the poly offices, but need to follow up with that. I am being kind and helpful to my wife. I am paying all expenses and offered to do so, but she has been talking about getting her old job back. I have been supportive to her and even when she says it is over I still tell her I understand but it will not change my positive efforts. I feel I need to kick myself back into gear and get the poly done and activate the phone. I do not blame her for my actions and accept responsibility for my own actions. Thank u again for your advice

This is a life organization skill which I myself still am training myself to do.
My father told me the same as Melodylane posted to you: Write down notes for what needs done!

Does she have any other complaints?

Are you remorseful? Has she said why she thinks you aren't remorseful?

Another thing you could do David, something I have seen another poster on here do, is have an attorney draft a post nuptial agreement. I don't know the logistics of it, but from what I understood it was an agreement that if he did x, y, or z (adultery, in your case would probably include internet porn and hookups, etc) again and his wife chose to divorce, she would get EVERYTHING.

This is obviously a strong deterrent to you carrying on such a lifestyle, and is a HUGE message to your wife that you are willing to give her everything if you screw up again.

wow a post nup is an amazing idea.

DavidInRemorse, for what little it's worth, I wish my husband were sorry for what he did wrong. He has had 2 internet scenarios, one which continues now and is why we are sleeping in two separate homes tonight for what will be the first of I have no idea how many nights or weeks or months, if not always. I hope not the latter.

The people here can be very hard on the wayward and speak from experience but I admire that you at least came here and love your wife enough to TRY to fix this. Now you need to go DO it but recognition is the first step. My prayers are with you and her as you work through changing what is a difficult behavior. I can only hope I will be so lucky with my husband who is unrepentant when I had him leave over an online emotional affair and years of secrecy *sigh*

Someone mentioned true recovery takes about two years...can they elaborate why and what a proper timeline might be (I do realize YMMV and people are different)