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I am not sorry that I informed everyone. She is a runner and is always with other women's husband's. I feel they deserved to know.
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I am not sorry that I informed everyone. She is a runner and is always with other women's husband's. I feel they deserved to know. You don't have to be sorry about that. What is sorry is that obviously this is a close-knit area and being close is a danger.
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I am not sorry that I informed everyone. She is a runner and is always with other women's husband's. I feel they deserved to know. I very much agree it was a smart thing to do. But it doesn't negate the need to move away.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I also would like to add that everyone in our neighborhood knows about the affair. I exposed it to them. We have a neighborhood fb page. I am so sorry.  What I meant in this post is that I am sorry you have chosen not to move. I am not sorry you exposed the affair. That was a good move.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I also would like to add that everyone in our neighborhood knows about the affair. I exposed it to them. We have a neighborhood fb page. I am so sorry. What I meant in this post is that I am sorry you have chosen not to move. I am not sorry you exposed the affair. That was a good move. HBL, I really hope you will listen to Dr. Harley's advice on moving. We have seen countless couples struggle with recovery because they live in the same town/city (let alone the same neighborhood) that the AP does. Many of these posters don't feel that recovery starts until they've moved. If you listen to the clip, the couple struggled with recovery because the WH lived a mile away from the OW. Dr. Harley recommends time and time again to move away from the AP. Please do what you can to put your marriage first and get out of there.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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HB, there are always ways to figure out how to move. For example, if you can't sell your home, you could RENT it out and move away. There are many, many ways to skin that cat.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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We moved several states away after my wife's affair. It was essential to our recovery. It's not just the presence of the AP, which is a plenty good reason all by itself. It is the triggers, too. All of those reminders of the affair that leave you with no peace.
Having the OW in such close proximity with so many shared neighborhood connections leaves you no other choice. If you don't move, you might as well get divorced and save yourself the pain of a failed attempted recovery.
me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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My husband has said we can move if I want to. I will not move. My life is here. I moved away from here once before and I was extremely depressed, so my husband put a transfer in his job to move me back home. This other lady will not always be here, she has no family and barely any friends now. Her home is far away and I believe she will move when her lease is up. This has been my home town since I was in the 1st grade and I love it here.
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My husband has said we can move if I want to. I will not move. My life is here. I moved away from here once before and I was extremely depressed, so my husband put a transfer in his job to move me back home. This other lady will not always be here, she has no family and barely any friends now. Her home is far away and I believe she will move when her lease is up. This has been my home town since I was in the 1st grade and I love it here. That is certainly your choice not to move. You can choose your house over the marriage. I am just telling you that your marriage will not survive living in the same neighborhood with the OW. Will you be able to keep that house in a divorce? Those are the kinds of questions you should consider. What you are trying to do is like sending the alcoholic into the bar to have drinks every day and hoping he can sober up because he is reading the Big Book. Unfortunately, the alcoholic never sobers up and has continual relapses. See, in order for your marriage to survive, absolute no contact must take place, just as complete abstinence is the first step towards sobriety.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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It is up to you to choose your priorities. You won't be able to get everything you want. It is not possible to go back to life as it was before the affair. That is reality. You need to build a new marriage that is stronger and better than it ever was before. Your marriage will have to come first. If your house and friends come first, your marriage will not make it.
me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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It sucks that you are in this position.
Affairs create a mess. A mess.
Moving from the life you love sucks.
Life you love
or
The marriage (one that was jeapordized by lack of your spouse's boundaries)
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I'm learning to control my emotions which was very hard for me. It's getting easier. It wouldn't be easier to control your emotions if you keep living close to OW. You will never be able to relax or recover your marriage without lying to yourself. Do you know the homeowner of the house OW rents? Have you exposed to the homeowner and informed him/her that the entire neighborhood knows about this woman being a skank? If you're adamant about not moving, then you should at least try to get her to move. Until someone moves, this will be marital and triggerfest hell not recovery. My husband is not against telling the girls about his affair, he's been reading and agrees that it will be best to tell them.  This is taking forever. Are you going to tell them the truth or not?
Last edited by black_raven; 01/05/15 12:54 PM.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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When were they told, what were they told, and by whom?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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I told them and I just told them that daddy had an affair and explained what an affair is and I told them with who and they asked if they could still be Friends with the ow kids and I said no.
Last edited by HeartBrokenlost; 01/05/15 04:49 PM.
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Things seem to be going good. We read together every night and he seems to be following through with things he says he'll do. We made plans for me to take over paying all the bills because he absolutely hates doing it. I just get nervous when things are going good because, I feel like there is still something lurking in the dark that will set is back to square 1.
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Things seem to be going good. We read together every night and he seems to be following through with things he says he'll do. We made plans for me to take over paying all the bills because he absolutely hates doing it. I just get nervous when things are going good because, I feel like there is still something lurking in the dark that will set is back to square 1. Do you mean something that hasn't been revealed yet about the past or something that might happen in the future?
Last edited by FightTheFight; 01/07/15 03:40 PM.
Me (42)
Her (43) - feuillecouleur
DS(11)
DD(7)
Married: June 24, 2000
Recovered
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Something that hasn't been revealed yet. That seems to be the only thing that keeps happening.
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I would schedule a polygraph with a reliable tester. What questions do want answered? I would make an appointment and when you do that, hand him a list of all your questions. Tell him he has 2 days to answer honestly and clear the air BEFORE the pg test. He won't know what questions they ask on the polygraph. Tell him you expect him to pass it Have you considered doing this? How far did you get with it? Do you have concerns about doing it?
Me (42)
Her (43) - feuillecouleur
DS(11)
DD(7)
Married: June 24, 2000
Recovered
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