UPDATE!

So I haven't posted in a while. Still seeing the counselor. She has helped me tremendously in getting past the thoughts of the unknown while I am still here. Been fighting with my command about getting out of here a bit early but replacements are being pushed back for arrival so making me stay later now�. Wtf.. We have had some ups and downs with conversation. I am half through Love Busters and I have to say WOW! I have been love busting for a long time�.. I primarily focus on interacting with our son but sometimes we get caught up in conversation ourselves. She started emailing me at work again which has been refreshing. She text me through out the day and we may pass a lot of messages. She's wanting to go home to see family but can't afford it. I told her I would help by paying for both tickets but she's unsure if she wants to be home for 2-3 weeks since I may get home before her and our son gets back. The trouble now is that she said/claims she ended things with OM. I knew once her father got wind of it he might be able to change her mind. I know he'd rather her D me along time ago but he told her until anything is finalized she should not sleep with another man (hope this meant no contact too). She was explaining she was going through a lot, being homesick, feeling lonely and heartbroken. I am trying to understand the heartbroken part. I know reading SAA its like cutting off an addiction. The withdrawals of it are huge. I just can't seem to put myself in her POV. I tried to ask her when it occurred officially and how did she go about it (there will still be a NC letter when I get home, changing her # and probably deleting her IG acct since he use to follow her). She clammed up and started to get angry with me saying it didn't matter. I think she is scared to be honest but Im really trying to understand her feelings with him. I let it go because I didn't want to irritate her any further with those questions. Any idea though? Im trying to see it from her perspective but I can't say I would react the same if I know what Im doing is wrong and its time to let go of a bad habit.

IAL,

You seem to ignore the advice here so I'm unsure as to how to really help, but until you expose AND return home, there's not a darn thing in the world that can help. So let us know if you are willing to receive the progrm and not just pick at what seems good (remember, you are not objective here).

Whoa buddy. I did expose. Maybe I forgot to mention that but I exposed it the beginning of December. I told her mother and her mother ended up telling her father. She talked with her father last week and thats when things really hit the fan. I knew her father would be able to have stronger words about it than anyone. I wanted to expose it to her friends but some of them were the same women who didn't support our marriage and some knew about it from day 1. They didn't have her best interest to begin with. Yeah I know theres not a lot left to do and I hate that my command has stiffed me on an early exit due to circumstances that have nothing to do with me. Its really a crazy situation so it's harder to give advice about it. She's still telling me how she's not attracted to me (said that before 2 years ago), how she doesn't want this marriage after breaking it off with her AP and it made her realize how much she loves him because of the depression she's going through right now.

You did not expose the affair. Telling the WW mom is beginning exposure. Exposure targets include WW's kids, siblings, aunts and uncles, cousins, friends, Same for the OM's side. Affair was with a neighbor then include rest of the neighbors. OM a coworker then expose at work as well, owner, CEO, Director of Human Resources, Board of Directors. Employers usually have company wide emails on their websites. They met through volunteer work, hobby/sports group, then you expose there as well. Find Facebook contacts and expose them as well.

Who ALL did you expose to on WW's side? Just her mom?

Who did you expose to on OM's side?

Her mom and father know, I don't know anyone else in her family like that. I don't even know the OM. Im telling you guys this is a really odd situation. I just feel like its harder to provide answers for a situation like mine because theres a lot of gaps. I have 3 weeks until I home, I only know as much as she tells me about the OM. As far as I know he's at a base 3 hours east of where we live, he's in the Army and I know his ethnicity. I don't know his name and I could't figure it out if I wanted to. She told me today that he dropped off a present to her this weekend (saturday maybe?). She also told me quite a few other things. This man has slept in out bed, overnight stays at our home, he has met our son a hand full of times. Im just thinking you have got to be kidding me! Him coming to the house and meeting our son kills me. If I knew his name I swear I would find a way to his command out their and ruin this mans career. Like he keeps going leaps and bounds to see my wife. She says he doesn't know that Im coming home and she won't sale or give away the present that he gave her. Its just devastating. I feel like Im just sitting on my hands right now like I can't do anything. The reason I didn't expose it to anyone else on her side is because a lot of her close friends knew about it already. Some supported it, a lot of them told her to end but yet she continues to see him. I thought she was getting somewhere when she said she was depressed but then today she drops the bomb about seeing him a few days ago. Not to mention she doesn't want to let things go with him. Sigh, Idk what else to do from a distance. Its really like sitting on my hands and she could continue this for the next weeks. It will never be over til I can physically be there with actions

Im not near my son to tell him and I started to ask him the last time I skyped but she cut the call. I don't know the rest of her family like that besides her mother and father. She doesn't have a job so I can't tell an employer. I have no idea who the other OM is. All I know is his base, his rank. She won't tell me his name of course cause she know I will go to his command about it. Ive messaged a few of her close friends and they all say something similar "what do you want me to do about it"? They don't care and I won't be home until mid Jan.

The friends that tell her to end it. Would they help you gather intel?

I've reached out to them but they don't want to be in the middle of it. Later today she told me she is blocking me from Skype, Facebook and whats app for the next few days to dodge the drama. I end up telling her to not message me and she started explaining certain things. Like she was going to sell his gift, how she was going to block him on IG, and actually sent me his # (tried to see if I could do a reverse look up, I just know its T-Mobile in Germany). Ive tried to call the # but it continues to go straight to VM.

I got back on friday. So�.. Update:

I thought she stopped talking to OM 1st week of December. Eventually she told me he stopped by and dropped off a gift to her weekend before Christmas.

Thought that she gave me his # but I'l get to that.

So this morning I felt odd. When I got back Friday everything seemed pretty good. She picked me up from the airport, we had a long hug but she wasn't wearing her ring. Surprised our son, then we went to get something to eat. Friday was nice. Saturday things got bit weird. She made breakfast, I folded the laundry she had left over and she was willing to go out with my Saturday because my birthday was tomorrow (Today). Got a babysitter and went to a hookah lounge. She was acting kind of weird like saying we shouldnt be friends on Facebook. This Sunday morning I wake up and as I said I felt odd. I searched here IG name (do this periodically). I see a guy in our house sitting on our fireplace (know for sure its the OM now) plus another pic same guy sitting on our couch - pics dated 2 Jan and 3 Jan 15. I wake my son up and ask him to confirm and he did. I explain to my son just about everything I could and he said he met the guy a few times, had been to his dorm room (He's army Sergeant/E-5, doesn't live off base), that he liked him and his mom loved him. That was really devastating to hear but even then he started off with telling his mom said he was not to mention OMs name ever especially not to me.

I confront my wife about it and she said she had a prepaid. Im thinking the number she sent me was his but in reality it was the prepaid # meaning the messages I exchanged was actually my wife playing as him� She also admitted she saw him last Friday and Saturday hence the pics I found. I told her she had a choice but if she continued to talk with him then we couldn't be under the same roof, hurts too much for me. I have his name now (at least his last name) and I prepared to go to the inspector general to ensure contact stops. She basically told me we are getting a divorce regardless but she's changing her # today, deleting her KIK messenger (found his kik name), and she is officially blocking him on IG (I told her she should just delete it). Im not really sure where to go from here. She keeps telling me it hurts her that she has to cut contact with him and she will do whatever to get out of our of home just to be with him.

Nothing has changed since then. You have come home, but you had not really expected that this would magically solve the problem had you?

You are in the military and should know, that strategy is key here. You have the best weapons (exposure), you are in the best position (you are married to her and you have a child together). Now you should NOT surrender to the enemy in your position. Where in the army did you learn to retreat as soon as the enemy attacks? You have every chance of winning this war, allthough you may have lost some battles, simply because you were not there and have left your family defenseless for a long time.

Do not follow every whim you feel. Your feelings will rollercoaster up and down, but you have to keep your eyes on the goal: providing a happy marriage and a stable family for your son. The road will be difficult but it can be done.

You should follow the plan laid out in Surviving an Affair or read up in the QandA colums about how affairs should end.
You should woo your wife back in a relationship with you, you should expose the affair to everyone who could help influence your wife and OM to stop ruining your family. You should go to OM's command, tel his girlfriends, confront him if you can safely do so (take people with you and take precautions so that you may not be falsely accused). And you should make it difficult for her to reach out to him. Make her new phone disappear, take the internet cable etc.

Read up on Exposure, plan A and Plan B if you have not already done so. And become a strategic, not a whimp who will leave his home defenseless to be taken over by the OM.

@happyheart partially you are right, a lot hasn't changed. But now I have all the ammunition I need to destroy him IF I need to. We got into a big blow not long after I posted my last message. I already to a lot of her friends and her parents know. They don't know that she continued to see him after her father told her to end everything with him. I could easily take the proof I have to my 1st Sgt (pics of him in our home and her comments/her love or how much she loves him). She has agreed to the things I mentioned earlier and she showed me the conversation she had with him about he didn't want drama, she needed to sort out whatever she had with me. Im using the pics as insurance because if I find out she is still talking to him then I will go through my command to find out where he works at his base. Exposure seemed effective initially but it seems there were a lot of other people in her life that didn't give 2 ****s about us and almost completely supported the affair.

Im just really confused where to go besides Plan A. I already messaged him on kik before she sent him a NC text message. He won't respond to anymore of my messages after I told him to stop talking to her. It just amazes she continued to lie saying they stopped talking to him in beginning of December when they continued to see each other just about every weekend even last weekend before I got back! She seems dead set on getting divorced and moving out.

It isn't amazing, it is typical that half measures result in continued contact. This ALWAYS happens here.

I've posted a bit but you keep doing your way and not the steps advised in the plan so I'll leave you with this - go to command and run him off for good. He will drop her like a hot potato. You have a strong weapon to kill contact but you still havent used it. Good luck. You are still bringing a knife to a gunfight.

This ^^^^

Already added him to player block and cheatersville. I am trying to figure out how to add him to hesahomewrecker but no luck yet. Talking to 1st Sgt tomorrow.

Will you be talking to the IG also?

You need to file a complaint with the IG office

Sir, I'm very sorry you are having to deal with this.
I encourage you to carefully follow the methods on this forum as they are Dr. Harley's procedures for killing and recovering from affairs and to also visit a church, if you don't already belong to one, and pray for your marriage.

I talked to my first Sgt today. He told me to make sure I goto legal ASAP. He's going to be looking into who this guy is and his command. Once he gets a hold to someone at the other base he will coordinate with the OMs leadership to implement a NC order. If OM violates it he will be punished severely and with the downsizing of the military right now, he'll likely be kicked out. They are just looking for reasons to kicked people out of the military these days. I am hoping he lets me know something soon because he said when he looked the guy up couldn't find on him our Global for europe but then again he could have gave my wife a fake first name or maybe his middle name? I know for sure that was his last name because of the nametape he had in his pic. Her and I talked today and she is still wanting to go with the divorce especially since I posted his pic on FB lol. People kept messaging me asking who he is was and then id explain it lol. She was pissed. I almost feel like the exposure is driving her further away but I know Im doing the right thing. She says she's going to pay for D papers once she gets the money�. Im going to Plan A as much as I can the next few months. Wish me luck!