hello i am writing this because i need help...fast i don't know what to do.
first i am a 45 year old male and my wife is also 45, we have been together for 20 almost 21 years and married for 18. the beginning of our relationship was kinda strange, we ment on Feb 3 and December of the same year she gave birth to our oldest daughter.We fell in love very quickly. I have never fell out of love with her.
Now in this time we have had our ups and downs like every married couple. So now i will cont. with why i am lost
About ten years ago i did have an emotional affair with someone and i do mean that nothing ever happened between me and the other i needed someone to talk to and she was there and i caught feelings for her... i ended it and tried to hide it but my wife found out and i admitted everything to her, apologized and even left the girl alone and never saw her again, even went as far as to stop going into the store that she worked at and was faithful and loving to my wife.....up till last year that is
Now every time we get to the holidays my wife changes with reasons i understand but wont put her out there like that. But last it was different, it got to the point that we only had sex twice in 2 months she never talked to me even if we were sitting in the same room or the same car. and that went on for months, speaking as little as possible. Now also in the past i wasn't home allot because i was always working and i have 2 jobs although she doesn't look at one as a job but it it, tattoo artist and it is very draining on the mind, and i would spend hours at the shop after it closed to clear my head before i went and sometimes i wouldn't get home until early morning hours, but i always came home. sometimes i would also do Tattoo parties and be gone for the same amount of time.
My other job was a truck-driver and we all know what they say about truck-drivers but i am going to say this over the road local i never cheated i was faithful and all i wanted to do was come home. So here i am 2 jobs and both of them are high risk jobs of affairs and drug use and i staid away from both.
Now, last year was a different story, and i do really hate to say this but "i cheated" and not with drugs but with another woman. you see i became friends on Facebook with an old girlfriend from when i was 19. and we would talk once in awhile nothing major 'happy birthday", "how are you" you know stuff like that then one day we started talking about tattoos and i thought it would be OK. so i told her to come to the shop and lets talk about what she wanted and to fix one that was messed up. well, we started talking and one thing lead to another and there you have it i cheated didn't want to, should have stopped it but didn't.
Now like i said my wife just stopped talking to me and everything but i still loved her and still do to this day
the affair ended i told my wife, and low and behold she was talking to other guys also and they just happened to be friends of mine that i knew since i was a teenager. In this time, we were ok somedays and fought the other she told me she still wants to be married but see other people and i said ok, then she changed her mind and we were exclusive to one another. next thig i know im talking to the other girl and she is talking to other guys again and stuff just snowballed not to metion i find out that she was doing more with other guys like going out on dates going to their house and stuff like that and to be honest i wasnt mad about all that i was mad because she lied to me about it and i actually asked her for a divorce because of all this, but as soon as i said it i realized i didnt want it anymore and i wanted my family and i moved out for a couple of days and begged to come home but only as her husband and her as my wife not because she felt sorry for me because i didnt have any where to go. and didnt ask anyone for help. i did say something about marriage counseling. but she didnt want to do it...
but after leaving and moving back home with her and our children. i realized that i took her for granted the whole time and tried to make up for it. this was this past August. we got back together celebrated our anniversary by going away together for the weekend and had fun. i deleted any pictures, phone numbers or anything else i had of the other woman.i even showed my youngest daughter that and gave my phone to my wife to prove it. i even left the tattoo shop i was working at and went to another to get rid of the memories and plus problems i was having there. went to the other shop and told the owner that i was only working by app. only so i could spend more time with my family, and that's what i did. then in Oct my main job told me that the were getting rid of the shift i was working and moving me to another shift and to a different position, which means i lost about 100.00 dollars a week. So i had a few choices to make to make up the money i was loosing, but in the mean time i was mad and frustrated and i did take it out on her but when i realized i was doing that i stopped and apologized still no excuse, but i did. Now my choices were, do nothing, but i don't think any man would do that, find another job which i tried, come back into the shop more which is what i did, but i had to think about how to do in the morning or late at night. i chose the morning because i didn't want her to think i was having another affair because i was working night.
i tried it for a couple of weeks and it didn't work so i stopped.
Now here is the problem,i knew we were not OK from affair but i thought we were good, but this past Sunday she laid the bombshell that she wasn't happy and i know its all my fault i messed up, no excuses i messed up, but for the past five months i have been a good husband going to work coming home spending time with her and the kids but money being the way it was not doing allot, helping around the house when i could not allot but it was more than i did before.
the only real time i got mad at her was when i would ask her to do something and every time she said she wasn't feeling well, but let anyone else ask her and out the door she went, i think i had the right to be for that. i know she needs her space but don't we need time together also.
i know she is hurt from the affair and me asking for a divorce, but should i still be punished for something that i am already punishing myself for.
i love my wife, i love my family and all i want is to be the way we were before everything.
there was allot of other things that happened but most of it from her end was lying, but i crossed a line that can never be uncrossed and i know that i did ask for forgiveness because i know it will never be forgotten.
so how do i win my wife and family back

PLEASE HELP ME

I would tell her that you love her and want to make the marriage better than before. Ask her if she willl join you in a plan that will help you fall back in love and will help you become the husband she deserves.

You must read up un how affairs should end on this website and order the book surviving an affair.

Also ask the moderators to move your post to the infidelity thread.

i have done that even last night before i found this site i sent her a long message thru facebook. i even started to read the advice on hear and listen to the videos to help..i do love her with everything i am and just want to be the person she wants me to be and a better husband.
OK i will do that

Were any of your OW married?

When you say she was doing things with OM, what do you mean?

Hi tattoojoe, welcome to Marriage Builders. Reading how you think is very remarkable because you say you had high risk jobs, tattoo artist and truck driver, yet you didn't do anything, and then in the next breath describe an affair. It is very obvious that you live a risky life and that you have poor boundaries around women. What has led to your affairs is opposite sex friendships. So unless you can find an occupation that COMPLEMENTS your marriage and end all of your opposite sex friendships, your wife is not safe around you.


That is a ridiculous excuse for staying out partying.[affairing?] Tortured explanations like this don't help your cause. I would get honest if you expect anything to change. It is intellectually insulting to say things like this.

Here is what you need to do affair proof your marriage. I would take this checklist to your wife and tell her you will comply with this list. Starting with deleting your Facebook page:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

@ brain hurts; there one OW was just a friend not married and just listened while i talked to her and young, the other one was married.
when i say doing other things with OM i ment she was hiding and lying about going to breakfast and thier houses. so its not the fact that she was doing that the lying part hurt the most

@ melodylane; what i ment was i have been a tattoo artist longer than we have been together and even before her i never and i mean never took sex as a payment and always kept business, business and never dated clients untill then.....kept it all seperate hanestly.....i am opening up here and being truthful with everyone and have been for awhile, as a truckdriver you see things that most people dont all the time.....but never acted on any of them just wanted to do my job and go home to my family

in the second part that you are asking about let me clear that up

tattoo parties are when you go to peoples houses and tattoo alot of people in one night its just what they are called i never drank or anything just did my job and left, sometimes i was there along time and sometimes a short time depending the amount of people showed up
at the shop sometimes i worked till early in the morning and sometimes i didnt but i always took the time to clear my head so i could drive home...that is all

i talked to her today on the phone and she said we are done but i want to keep trying i told her today that i need help to make myself a better man and what to be a better man for myself and for us

and i did tell her i joined this site and asked her to join it also so she can see what i am saying i have nothing to hide.....i love my wife with all my heart and never meant to hurt her

If you want to save your marriage, you should get into a line of work that complements your marriage. You have already demonstrated that you have poor boundaries around women so it is crazy to stay in an occupation that is so risky.


Like I said, that sounds completely unbelievable so I would stop saying that to your wife. It sounds like a good excuse to stay out all night partying and whoring around, though.

Your wife would be wise to move on if your lifestyle does not change dramatically.

She is correct to move on unless you change your occupation, come completely clean and implement EVERYTHING on the extraordinary precaution checklist.

What was her response to your claim that you stayed out all night "clearing your head?" Did she laugh?

Even if you had never had an affair I would advise any friend of mine to divorce from a lifestyle like this. Why should your wife come so far down your list of priorities?

You shouldn't be out all night making 'who showed up' your priority but going home because your priority is AT HOME - your wife. Your vows are not to a bunch of party-goers but to your wife.

If you don't have a job suitable for marriage then don't try to be married. Who cares how much you are drinking or if you are having sex at these parties - the point is that you shouldn't be at them at all.

Is there any solid change you can demonstrate to her or is this going to be a bunch of pleases and whining with nothing actually being done?

I already told her i would quit tattooing and am no longer a truckdriver....was a yardjockey....which means i stay in the yard work 8 hours then came home....and up untill oct i was that then my job got rid of my shift and my possition and made me a forklift operator which put a strain on me.....i have told her a bunch of times i would quit or was ready to quit tattooing...i did it for about 4 years awhile back......after we split i came here to talk to her about everything and once again i told her i would quit tattooing because now i can see it is a problem and she said the same thing as before "how can i ask gou to quit doing something you love" and i told her that is what your are doing now asking me to quit us.......i do love tattooing extra money meeting different people but i love my wife and family more than anything in this world and will do anything to keep her and try to earn her love and trust back

And since the last time i posted i found out my plwce of work is closing so now i am really stuck on what to do

Joe, sorry to hear your business has shut down. Can you see now it was a huge mistake to continue tattooing when it was so devastating to your marriage? I would focus on finding a job where you can work a day shift, be home every night and is positive for your marriage.

Yes i can see that it is.......and that is what i am hoping to do....is not that tattoo business that is shutting down, but my regular job.......and as much as she says that tattooing has nothing to do with the problems....i know it does

Hi Joe,

I will tell you that from my experience, lifestyle and occupation matter a lot. I had a very happy marriage until my husband got a full-time job as a crossfit trainer at a gym. Although I shared this activity with him, once he was there all the time training other people, he met a woman who had poor boundaries like he did and who gave him lots of admiration and had an affair. I am divorcing him because he will not change his lifestyle (or anything else), but even if he were willing to do everything else I asked of him, I would never take him back in that occupation. It's a dealbreaker.

@Pigletwiglet.......that is what I'm trying to change....and I'm trying too change that not just for her but for myself and us

Since you see the tattooing is a problem, the onus is off her to 'ask' for you to quit. You are the one who wants to, expecting nothing.

Just demonstrate that you are looking hard for a day job and meet her needs while plan Aing with no expectations.