Hi, I wanted somewhere to vent my story and get some advice! This is a long one.....

I have been with my husband for nearly 9 years, married just over 2 years -no children (he has 1 from previous relationship)

Our relationship to me seemed fine, loving, affectionate, regular sex life, mutual friends, socialising etc. spent time together, in fact we are really quite lovey Dovey with eacother, always hugging, kissing etc we rarely row, the odd bickering about hoovering but nothing major, we have independence from each other too- go out with our own friends, no jealousy, no reason ( or so I thought) to distrust each other, I really though we had a happy balanced marriage!

I had my suspicions about OW who he worked with over a year ago when I found unnesscary lengthy regular calls on his phone bill and he started being very secretive with his phone, not letting it out of his sight, on silent etc etc, I confronted him, he denied anything was happening, their just friends, her mum was ill with cancer and he was just helping her talk to someone, I believed him, after all things seemed so good at home so I was confident he would never cheat.

I found out nearly 3 months ago he was having an affair. I decided to put a voice recorder in the car as he kept going to his "friends" house 2-3 evenings a week and going out with him on weekends. I just had this gut feeling - cliche I know but so true. This friend I know of but not in our social circle so he knew I would never see him to check up on his story. And then I heard the crap on the recording, the "I love you" not in a desperate way but more in a natural way like when your saying bye to someone your in a relationship with- like the way he says it to me when we leave for work.i Heard details of their planned weekend away together. I confronted him, he said he only slept with her once blah blah and he was never gonna go away blah blah

Anyway I called her, she told me they had been seeing each other for a few months, they had been going out together - the odd drink, cinemas bite to eat, for about 6 months but things started getting more "intense" ( her words) over the past 2 months or so.

he had told her we were separated for nearly a year!!!and he's asked me for a divorce but I won't give it to him! She believed him, he went out with her and her friends and they referred to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend! Whilst I was away for work he had bought her to our house to "prove" he didn't live there- hid all his clothes from the closet, took all our wedding pics down, removed all traces of himself! He admitted he did all this, said he's sorry, isn't going to leave me, doesn't want a divorce etc etc

Here's where it turns in to more of a mess- he is still in contact with her and convincing her that I'm mad, lying and he's not with me! She believes it - I spoke to her and told her otherwise but now she has blocked me. And he is denying it and saying he has not had any contact with her.
I have seen messages from her, ones saying she is on her way to meet him etc etc. I have shown him these messages, he deletes them in front of my face and says they didn't say that and it's not her! I have told him I'm not stupid, he gets all defensive and insists I haven't seen what I've seen. Blazing rows follow but he never backs down.

After some more snooping I found out the affair started 9 months after we married, she knew we were together then, lasted about 5 months, she got pregnant, had abortion an called off the affair. He denies all this- I got this from his what's app back up on the laptop - he refuses to read it and says he never sent it. Don't get me wrong I'm not believing it one bit- I know what I saw- but I have given up rowing about it because he continues to deny.

Anyway a few months past and they got in contact again - this is where he duped her in to believing he was now separated - which she still believes.they were "dating" for about 6 months again before I found out.

His attitude now is still lies. I know they speak everyday - I have been putting voice recorders at home when I'm not there. He only goes out 1 evening a week for a few hours- I know it's to meet her. I've heard the phone calls.

Of course I want to give things a go but all this BS and lying to my face when he deep down knows I know is wearing thin. He just won't admit it.

I don't know- is it the Affair fog, is he secretly planning to run off with her, or is he gonna carry on regardless and she's "waiting for his divorce to go through" that's why she is content with only seeing him now once a week ??

All the advise says confront with evidence - I have but he still denies!! I will never get the truth

I have tried to kick him out, he won't go, insists he is not seeing her, I haven't seen anything blah blah

The shouting has got so bad the neighbours have called the police! No physical violence has happened.

Since I found out he hasn't really done anything to prove himself, still keeps his phone on silent, changes the pin regularly. he has said sorry a few times, then when I find the messages he says he only wants to be with me, then it all goes crazy cos he then deletes it and says he is not contacting her'! This sends me in to a rage! I have told him to get out, I'm no fool, ff off etc etc but he. Doesn't go.

Around me he is not overly loving like he used to be throughout the affair, but he is affectionate in the way he kisses me hello, goodbye, hugs etc when I come home from work/ leave etc. he won't talk about it when I try and approach the subject calmy, saying you know I've seen the messages, I'm not stupid, you need to stop all contact or there's no hope for us. He then gets defensive, denies, goes silent - it a vicious circle.
It's as if he wants to pretend everything is normal.

I'm now trying the 180 plan, just started past 2 days, whilst secretly collecting enough recordings and waiting to follow him and confront them face to face. The reason I'm doing this is because I know the only way he will admit he is seeing her still is when I see them face to face. Me seeing messages and showing him isn't enough! At this point I will go straight to plan B and no contact - kick him out.

And I'm doing the recordings to see if I hear anything of a "plan" they may have - who knows she may now know he's at home but he has convinced her he's divorcing and they will rekindle everything seriously once it goes through - don't know how when he hasn't filed - I've offered a divorce if he wants to be with her but he refused. Again I think I will go straight to plan b if I hear this and play the recording as proof.

I have also asked him untold times to call her in front of me and tell the truth - he refuses and says he wants no contact with her. We all know that's BS

I know if anyone else found out, friends, family, he would be so ashamed and embarrassed, I think he has slight narcissism. This makes me think- he doesn't want to end it with her, is planning a secret runaway, keeping me "sweet" so I don't expose them and ruin their plan.

Or he is so embarrassed at duping her and her finally realising he is not the Mr nice perfect guy she thought, he is keeping up the pretence with her hoping she will get bored and give up?

I think I am even more p!ssed off that she is out there thinking I don't exist in his life and truly believes he's her "man"!!!

God knows what's going on, am I wasting my time even trying?!

Or, just to add, is he just a psycho and I never knew??!

MaryP16,

Gather all the evidence you have put them in a secure place, then expose both of them to their parents, grandparents, siblings, children, relatives places of worship, work, clubs etc. Go to their linkedin facebook etc, pay the 1.00 for the facebook message to go to their INBOX

Don't yell or fight, don't warn or threaten, do this all at once and completely, cool as 007, if they find out they will paint you as a crazy wife, get in the first strike.

You may be married to a chronic liar.

God Bless
Gamma

Thanks gamma,

This is why I have decided to do the 180 approach - to stay cool and calm so he doesn't know I'm gathering evidence. Then when I have enough I will find them together, ( tracker on the car now) expose to their parents and lock him out. He doesn't have any social networking sites, they communicate through what's app and he now never calls her - he messages her to call him.

I'm a bit scared of exposing because I have previously told him I will tell his sister ( someone he respects) and he goes mad saying " watch what will happen" I think he may get physical if I do it- he hadn't before but it's almost as if he has gone from Mr nice guy to Mr crazy overnight

Hi Mary, welcome to Marriage Builders. The affair has gone on for a very long time so it will be harder to bust up. My suggestion would be to expose the affair wide and far and then separate from your husband. Staying with him under these conditions harms you emotionally and physically and makes you look less attractive to him. It is better to leave or get him to leave until the affair dies. But I would first expose to everyone. Please go read my exposure thread linked in my signature.

If your husband does end his affair and you decide to reconcile, we can help you recover your marriage. The first thing we would help you with is your unhealthy, independent lifestyles. Your independent lifestyles are destructive to marriage. But we can help you turn that around.

You have enough evidence right now to expose, so I would not delay any longer. The "180 approach" does not work with our plan. We don't believe in it, and don't advocate it because it doesn't work.

And that is ok to be "scared" to expose. We all were too. If you want to make it, you have to put aside your fears and take action. Fear will not save your marriage.

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Our goal is to save your marriage, not to avoid his anger at all cost. If you think he will harm you, then I would be sure and stay in a safe place after you expose.

With no children and ^^^this, I would expose the affair to his family, your family and friends and file for divorce ASAP. Sorry but cheating almost your entire marriage and getting OW pregnant in addition to the crazy lengths he is going to gaslight you, I would cut my losses and get away from this sick man.

Thanks for your responses guys. I have enough evidence that I've seen to know myself the truth but because he denies its like his word against mine. I need physical evidence to show/ play to people- so far the recordings I have are him on the phone to her however he hasn't said nothing "incriminating" as such, just general chit chat and as its on the phone I can only hear what he is saying. I've put a recorder in the car now so I know at some point he will pick her up and I will be able to hear them both in the car. I have to be a bit patient to get this evidence but I know I will get it in the next week or so.

Black_raven I know you are right- he is a sick man. I should just go straight for divorce but it just feels like 9 years of my life has gone down the drain and I feel I should see what happens after exposure before making the final decision.
We have been living together for 5 years so feels like we have been married for that long rather than just 2 years.

With regards to me leaving- I refuse. We are joint owners of our place, and I am the higher earner so contribute slightly more to the upkeep of the house. I don't want to move out and be paying towards a roof over his head that he will bring her back to like its a bachelor pad- I made that Home and she will not benefit from it. He needs to go and I know the only way is for me to see them face to face so he cannot deny it then and I have a reason (I know I have many already) but a concrete reason I've seen and he can't run away from to get him out.

They say men stray because they are not getting their needs met- but I don't know what needs they are because when I found out he has said its nothing to do with me, it's him, he doesn't know why because i do everything for him, he feels depressed having troubles at work, and he spoke to her when he knows he should have spoken to his wife.

Maybe that's why, I do too much for him and he's turned in to a spoilt brat.

I will see them together, and go straight to her family to let them know. Lock him out that night and tell his. I don't want my family to know yet - it's too much for them right now ( we have had a death in the family my mum is dealing with and I don't want to cause her more grief- she absolutely adores my husband who has actually supported her through this time. I also feel if I tell my family they will hate him so much that reconciliation will be impossible.

Also is it a common reaction for him to get so angry and defensive when faced with evidence and still deny it? Is there any hope for people who react this way?

Yes of course he will be angry. All waywards are. Expose anyway.

I would use a more strategic approach in your exposure and use the methods on the exposure thread. Just going to his family and telling them is good, but is not enough. The affair should be exposed to her family and your family. Your family would not "adore" him if they knew what he was doing. And you should not enable him like that. It hurts you both for you to cover up for him.

As far as separation, whether he moves out or you move out, separation should take place. Hanging around as his option makes you look much less attractive to him and is devastating to your mental and physical health.

Its textbook. Its addiction behaviour and will persist until the affair ends.

Please stop talking to his affair partner. You've given her far too much credence. A woman knows where her boyfriend lives and with whom.

You sound like a fellow Brit? Welcome to MB.

Exposure is needed urgently. It is not 'your word against his' it is the truth and will become apparent to anyone who cares to look. You don't need to persuade a jury, you simply need to tell people what you know so they can understand his strange behaviour.

Your family can handle the truth...it is more lies and deception that will hurt them. How do you think your mother will feel when she finds out that you kept her in the dark and let her think that that WH was a good guy while he is causing you so much pain behind her back?





Your WH will have to make the choice to redeem himself and make amends. Every WS in a truly recovered marriage has had to take this step.


You are so afraid of losing this man that you are enabling his hurtful choices. Fear paralyzes and will end up trapping you in a life full of heartache. Don't sign up for that Mary.

No, even if you were in a coma he would not stray if his love bank were closed to other women. He allowed someone else to meet his needs.

The dopamine hit of romantic love (from two people!) is more addictive than crack cocaine.



You already have their confession. Evidence doesn't get better than that.

I too exposed during a bereavement. Please, please, please do not lie to or patronise your family at such a time. Just because your mum is dealing with a natural grief does not mean she cannot support you in yours.

Imagine how you would feel if you were excluded, or patronised with people witholding news, because you are going through an affair?

Your mother should not be left in the vulnerable position of false information - of continuing to trust an untrustworthy man.

Following exposure, (every target should be hit in 24 hours) your WH would need to agree to a series of measures if he is to stay.

Otherwise, change the locks and have his things sent on.

That you lived together before marriage...he was a renter and still is. Sorry but he was never a buyer.

I personally wouldn't spend more time getting evidence. You have plenty and WH outright stands there denying his affair to your face. That is way beyond gaslighting IMO.

Your own family wouldn't believe you? I don't know what to say about that. My family and friends know that when I tell them something it is the truth and would not doubt it. I understand you want to see how things play out...you have an emotional attachment and investment but as an objective onlooker, I don't see anything worth saving. You married a man who is bad marriage material and endlessly lies his butt off.

Your WH will have to make the choice to redeem himself and make amends. Every WS in a truly recovered marriage has had to take this step.


You are so afraid of losing this man that you are enabling his hurtful choices. Fear paralyzes and will end up trapping you in a life full of heartache. Don't sign up for that Mary.

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We all thought this!

My ex never showed remorse - never came on board.

Yet my father, (who I expected violence from) still says he can't believe he didn't take the chances offered. Dad was initially was against recovery but when he saw how high my standards were - he approved of the recovery plan.

Plus there are many former waywards here. They have all made such impressive improvements they regained all former respect and more. They are amazing people who would scorn to do so under false pretences.

Plus you also don't get to decide what your family's opinion should be. I am sure they are very reasonable people who will simply want assurances you will be well treated.

Thanks guys

Indie girl- I am a fellow Brit!😜

I have spoken to the affair partner twice and haven't tried again. The thing is I know she believes him I'm crazy and he doesn't live with me and we are separated- I just want her to know the truth. Not for her benefit, but I can't take the thought she is out there labelling me as the crazy ex wife who is the one lying to try and get her man back! Ahhhhhhh!!!

You guys are right- I am afraid of losing him- I know I know you probably think I'm stupid, but everything still seems unbelievable at the moment.....I'm still in shock


If I have no evidence other than my word of what I've seen, surely they will both continue to label me as the lying crazy ex? This is why I need a recording of both of them together. Also I feel I need to prove at the same time he does actually live with me to her family, as she is so convinced he doesn't she will convince them- and of course they will believe there daughter over me. How can I do that?

I want to expose armed with evidence I can actually hand to people to see with their own eyes, especially to both their families. I know my family will believe me that's not a problem.

I'm defo going to expose but I just want to do it in a way where no one can question me cos I can hand them the proof, and without coming across as crazy and obsessed.

Forget about her mind set. The pair of them have the brains of a couple of drunks. Focus on exposing her.



But you are his wife, not his ex. The reaction will be 'if she's just a friend then why are you endangering your marriage for her?.'

If you want really good evidence then have them tailed by a PI while you set up your exposure plan. Don't take more than two days on this.

I really do think you are good to go though. Her family will already be wondering about her strange behaviour. Affairs change people (I bet your WHs eyes are different!).

Even if her family do believe her - she's now made it impossible to ever bring him home as a nice single boy because they've been rumbled and she denied him in shame. Not sexy

You're not really after belief. You don't know these people. You're ruining all prospects of the affair being respectable one day.

But actually, an affair is a very obvious thing to see once it is pointed out.

That's quite normal. Hugs.