I was on the radio program with Dr. Harley and Joyce on Friday to discuss my husbands affair. They are sending me "Surviving An Affair". Until I receive the book, they advised I check out the website and forum and so here I am. He recommended 3 weeks on being on Plan A. My first question is, how do I be a Plan A Wife? Secondly, regarding exposure, how do I handle the situation if my husband gets angry with me? Does anyone know how frequently the betrayer gets out of the fog in this step, or does it usually take progressing to Plan B? Also, Dr. Harley mentioned separation as part of Plan B. Could someone paint me a picture of what this looks like? Is there legal action involved? Dr. Harley said he recommended waiting 2 years, even if my husband decided to leave and be with the OW. Has anyone ever done that or had their husband come back? I just have this fear that if we progress to that step, that there's no chance of him coming back. He's such proud man. I appreciate anyone's insight.

Hello, holding out, welcome to Marriage Builders! Plan A should only last a very short time, just until you can arrange a separation. That would be 3 weeks MAX for women.


Plan A simply means a) exposing the affair, b) expressing a willingness to meet his needs in the future if he ends his affair and c) the avoidance of love busters.


He will be as furious as a crackhead would be if you took his crack away. So just count on him being furious and you won't be disappointed! Please go read my exposure thread in my signature for instructions on exposure.


Exposure typically kills the affair in about 50% of the affairs. If I remember right, this affair has gone on for some time, so I don't predict exposure will kill it right away and you will have to go into Plan B.


Plan B *IS* a separation.


Read here: here

You should try to get him to move out. That can be done by simply asking him or taking legal action. Regardless it is a good idea to get a legal separation/divorce in place to protect yourself legally. If you cannot get him to move, you should move out yourself.

Your chances of the marriage ever working out are lessened if you don't separate, because hanging around as an option makes you much less attractive and it also destroys your mental and physical health.

Thank you for the response. Do I tell him that 'the clock is ticking' or do I just do it? I've known about the affair for 5 months already.
Also when doing exposure, should I attach picture evidence....like through facebook messenger?

You can't get into Plan B quickly enough. For five months you've been his optional back up plan which is not an attractive look for women.

More importantly is the toll it has taken on you. You will be a haggard mess in no time.

Expose the A before going into Plan B. Respond to his anger with a very unimpressed face.

Your actions will tell him that.

Exposure particularly.

I would not tell him the clock is ticking, but just ask if he will move out. Tell him his affair is too painful and ask him to move out.

Attaching picture evidence is a great idea. Another lady set up a little website with all the evidence and sent out a link. Does the OW have a Facebook page? is she married?

hoh, I don't want to give you false hope. An affair that has gone on this long is very entrenched and I seriously doubt that exposure will bust it up. Your only hope is to go into Plan B and let it die on the vine. Exposure will certainly hasten its death. Plan B will also hasten its death because your H has been stuck in a great position for a very long time getting his needs met in TWO places. That has helped prop up the affair in many ways.

My point is that you should plan to go into Plan B. It will take a couple of weeks to separate, but you need to start planning NOW.

And kudos to your counseling for admitting that counseling is useless when a person is an affair. It is a complete waste of time.

Is the OW a coworker of your H?

TOW does have a Facebook page but she has blocked me. She is either currently separated or divorced, I'm not certain. They met at his second job which he longer has, so they no longer work together.

Ok good, that means you go log out of facebook and go to her facebook page and copy and paste all her contacts into a word doc for exposure.

Do you have her husbands contact information?


And if she still works at that same place, then their HR and Ethics department would want to know about her unethical, unprofessional behavior. I am very familiar with that company and know they take interest in managers who prey on subordinates.

She works as a supervisor at Wal-Mart. I understand that they have a fraternization policy but I wasn't sure they would care since he no longer works there.
During this 'plan a' period, would it be worthwhile to ask him to read or listen to 'Surviving an affair'?

Also are there counselors out there that follow this program that can assist working through this process? Recovery? To increase our success.

We are not counselors but we can help you. Most counselors do not know how to save marriages. [they have a higher personal divorce rate than the general population] However, We are very familiar with Dr. Harley's program and used it to save our own marriages. WE know the steps and can help you.

No. It won't get through to him because he is high on his affair.

If you want to increase your chances of success, I would say the very best thing you can do is to listen to Dr. Harley's free daily radio show. There are all sorts of things you can do beyond that, but I would start there.

I wouldn't waste any time trying to get your husband involved until no contact with the affair partner has been established. Until then, stay on point that you want to build a great marriage with him, and that in order to do so, he must end all contact with her for life. That's the main thing you need to worry about for Plan A. Put most of your energy beyond that into preparing for Plan B.

holdouthope, are you reading our posts? I am starting to get the sense that you are not very proactive. That is one of the reasons this affair has dragged on so long. Are we wasting our time?

You sound like you are wanting to put a lot of effort into planning your Plan A. That effort really needs to go into planning your Plan B, not Plan A. Plan A just needs to be exposing the affair (follow MelodyLane's thread on that), expressing a willingness to your husband to meet his emotional needs if he will end his affair (this will come from your Giver), and insisting that your husband must end his affair and have no contact with his affair partner for life and follow a program of recovery with you (this will come from your Taker - an important and GOOD part of you that is looking out for you!)

Here is what Dr. Harley says:


PREPARING FOR PLAN B IS A VITAL PART OF PLAN A. It is MORE important that you prepare a great Plan B than that you do a "great" Plan A. If you have already gone past the period that Plan A is recommended for women, it is MORE important that you get into a great Plan B than it is for you to do a great Plan A. The most important thing is to protect YOU with a great Plan B, establishing a new truth your husband will run up against and have to deal with: that you will protect yourself at all costs, and he cannot expect you to continue to put up with his affair, abuse, and addiction.

If I'm reading right above, you're already past this time period. It is vital that you prepare a great Plan B immediately. During that time you are probably not going to win your husband back with a great Plan A, but do your best to be pleasant and cheerful around him (your Giver), while still standing for the truth that out of consideration for you, he must end his affair, or you cannot continue to bear this (your Taker). Avoid any demands, disrespect, or angry outbursts on your part - don't try to punish him or make him do anything - other than a simple, calm demand that he must end his affair.

Here is an important guide to Plan B that you need to read:

How to Plan B correctly

I have not gotten a chance to listen to your show with Dr. Harley yet, but I know that Dr. Harley usually encourages women to get into Plan B as soon as possible once three weeks have passed. So please read up on this information and get your Plan B ready.

There's not really any "if" about it. Your husband is SURE to be angry. The angrier the wayward is, the closer the exposure hit to home and the bigger impact it will have.

The rule is protect yourself. Don't argue with him. Don't debate him about exposure. You did it, unilaterally, and that's all there is to it. That's the new rule for being married to you: if someone is married to you and they are unfaithful, it will be broadcast to everyone important in their lives. You don't tell him that; that's just the new rule you put into action. (My wife and I live by this rule, and we have a wonderful marriage.)

Don't debate him, and don't hang around him if he's angry. His anger should get him nothing and if he wants to debate it, his only opportunity to do so should be in an empty room by himself, not with you.


Plan B is to have no contact with him - don't see or talk to him - until he ends his affair. Separation is definitely involved. Yes, legal action must be involved; you need to see a lawyer now as part of your preparations and be prepared to have him legally removed from the house.


The truth is that very few wives win their husbands back in Plan A. Sooner or later the affair will take a devastating toll on you, which is why you must get into Plan B to protect yourself as soon as possible. That will save your reserves for the case where the affair may crumble on its own so that you will still have it in you to recover. Recovery can be very grueling and difficult work, and we need to keep you whole and healthy so you can do it if he decides to cut off contact with his affair partner.

If you don't go to Plan B, then by the time the affair ends, you will hate him so badly that YOUR MARRIAGE WILL HAVE NO CHANCE to recover. Also by then you may be suffering from emotional and health problems.

When will you be exposing?

Sorry if it seems like I'm not moving fast enough. I'm trying my best here. This program is new to me and I literally just got the book yesterday evening. I'm currently trying to figure out who the best person is to be the IM. I also have located an attorney to use and will be setting up an appointment. When I meet with the attorney what do i say? I want it written up as a 2 year separation? I'm in uncharted waters here. We have 2 small children and are in debt. I cannot afford our house payment alone. Do you ask him to leave, have your IM give him the love letter, change the locks then give him the legal paperwork? At the same time?